The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

• Canada still has allegiance to the Queen of England, and is not a true democracy. Like an ant colony, all Canadian officials are sworn to protect the Queen including all Canadian military personnel.
• Canada has long been playing war games with American troops to probe their weaknesses. We have found it: Canadian beer. Ever wonder why Canadian beer is stronger than American beer? One beer and the average American is completely immobilised. So much for the American high tech warfare advantage! A secret army of Molson trucks sits in top secret warehouses lined along the border awaiting deployment. The trucks can be mobilized with a mere five minute notice!
• Canada powers huge areas of the US via hydroelectric power. Once flick of the switch and America is back living in the dark ages again.
• Maple syrup is not just a sugary treat; it’s also a weapon. In fact, it’s standard issue for Canadian soldiers! The maple syrup has a dual purpose: for energy in times of low food supply and it can render the most resilient military hardware completely ineffective by permanently gumming up any operating mechanical mechanisms.
• Canada has a secret army of mosquitoes and deer flies feeding and breeding in northern parts of the country. Canadians have long built up immunity to this common Canadian pest, but when they are unleashed on an unsuspecting American population the damage will be unimaginable!
• Many famous Canadian actors are really double agents, spies, and stooges designed to distract, spread chaos, and fear. Who are these agents of Canada? The likes of Pamela Anderson, Keanu Reeves, Celine Dion, Jim Carrey, Dan Aykroyd, Neve Campbell, Tommy Chong, James Cameron and even Brendan Fraser are all Canadians! Hollywood is seen by Canada as the other little known arm of the US government and has been long infiltrated by Canadians.
• Canada shares the largest continuous unprotected border with the United States. Accidental? I think not!
• Over two thirds of Canada’s population lives primarily along this unprotected border.
• Canada has been funding anti-gun movements in the US to disarm its citizens for decades.
• Hillary Clinton is actually a US defector to Canada and has been trying to push Canadian-style health care to prepare for the eventual arrival and welcoming of Canadian conquerors.
• Michael Moore has been Canada’s best propaganda machine. He prepares Americans to accept their Canadian overlords by teaching Americans the superiority of the Canadian way of life.
• South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone have been sending covert warning messages to Americans for years with Terrance and Philip and their forecasting of the bombing of the Baldwins.

Don't believe me, huh? I told you so!

For the humour impaired: this is called satire – the second lowest form of humour, which is one step above bodily sounds.