The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

Here is the result of the B-List Celebrity Quiz that I took...

I feel the need to break this to you gently.

Are you sitting comfortably? If you fall, you're not going to hit your head or anything? Sure?

Right then. Um.

You're Pauly Shore.

Possibly the most obnoxious B-list celebrity there ever was or could ever be, you were once an MTV veejay but have since moved into the world of really, really bad movies. Take, for example, Biodome. Or the risible Encino Man (aka California Man). You've complained that Beavis and Butthead stole your act - and you may well be right. Ugh.

Credit should go to you, though, for making a documentary called Spooge.

You can inform the world how great you aren't with the following:

Which Annoying B-list Celebrity Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey.

Oh geez, does this mean that when I was in my 20's my cousin was attracted to me? Yes, you heard me correctly, my cousin was actually attracted to this nutjob. Clearly, she was not in her right mind.

I don't get the dis on Beavis and Butthead, they are still cool to this day. "Ya, ya, burn his butt."

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Posted by Samantha at 04:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Have you ever had one of those blonde moments? You know the kind that makes you wonder why you are still alive on this earth. In other words, you've done something so dense that you really don't even know how you are existing at this very moment. The kind of thing that makes you wonder how such a weak gene even came into existence.

Well, this link may relieve you of feeling so bloody stupid because nobody could be as stupid as these dumb blondes. My personal favourite is the one titled, "Locked in her car"; just click the blondestar logo to watch and listen.

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Posted by Samantha at 02:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

By Dangerous Dan (Note from Sam: if you're like me, you'll like the links in the article on the continued page)

If you haven't checked out PETA's anti-fishing site, then you haven't seen real crazy in action. It's the usual tripe you would expect from PETA and they try to use scare tactics to keep you away from fish (they're filled with toxic radioactive bacteria that poop mercury!). The really entertaining part, though, is their leaflet "Your Daddy Kills Animals." Here's a look:

Take a moment to look at the maniacal look on the father's face and laugh.

Here's what the back of the leaflet says:

Imagine that a man dangles a piece of candy in front of you. You love candy so you reach for it. But, as you grab the candy, a huge metal hook stabs through your hand and you're ripped off the ground. You fight to get away, but it doesn't do any good... You'd feel really scared, wouldn't you? That would be an awful trick to play on someone, wouldn't it?

But guess what?

YOUR DADDY PLAYS THAT SAME WICKED TRICK ON FISH AND FISH GET SCARED TOO! ...
Your daddy waits until hungry little fish are tricked by what looks like a tasty lunch.
...
Since your daddy is teaching you the wrong lessons about right and wrong, you should teach him that fishing is killing and killing is wrong.

Until your daddy learns that it's not "fun" to kill, keep your doggies and kitties away from him. He's so hooked on killing defenseless animals THAT THEY COULD BE NEXT!

PETA... bringing families closer together.

I can just imagine a little kid coming home and hiding Muffin and Spot in the closet to keep them away from dad and then breaking out in tears when he asks where they are. Here's how it would go:

Dad: "Where's Spot? It's suppertime"
Kid: "*sob* I don't... *snot choke*... want you... *snot choke*... to kill them! *sob, sob*"
Dad: "WHAT?!"

PETA clearly gets many donations from family therapists.

One of PETA's other sites is JesusVeg, which tries to make a religious case for the vegan life. Given FishingHurts, though, this concerns me. Jesus was, after all, a fisher of men and several of his disciples were fishermen. He also went fishing and helped fishermen bring in enormous hauls of fish. And then there was that time when he separated the loaves and fishes, which everybody chowed down on.

Kid: "Jesus... is... *snot choke*... coming after... Muffin! *sob, sob*"
Minister: "WHAT?!"
Kid: "He already went after the fish! *snot choke, sob, sob, sob*"

PETA clearly gets many donations from atheists.

Don't just stop your PETA tour with FishingHurts and JesusVeg, though.
Check out their other fine sites!

There's:

-Chris P. Carrot's 2004 presidential site featuring the slogan "Eat me!"

-The Lettuce Ladies featuring chicks who tour the country wearing lettuce clothing, begging the pick-up line, "Why don't we get some Ranch, go back to my place, and see where things go?" Most of the Lettuce Ladies are babes and you need to check out their turn-ons and turn-offs. Kayla (who is a non-babe and actually looks a little man-ish) says she's turned off by "flesh-breath" and also "runs in her nylons." It's the important things, people! I wonder if eHarmony has "flesh-breath" as a preference option?

Lettuce Lady Brandi. Two-Island dressing anyone?

-MilkSucks. Its take-off on Garbage Pail Kids in not to be missed.

-Then, finally, there's the anti-fast food sites, McCruelty, Murder King, Kentuckey Fried Cruelty, and the best, Wretch's Old Fashioned Murderers featuring Wendy as Chucky.

For the record, I ate my first veggie hot dog this past weekend. Or rather, I ate my first half of a veggie dog as the second half went uneaten; it wasnt 'very good. It would have been much better with some mysterious pork and beef parts in it. That's the problem with vegetarianism - animals are so darn tasty!

(thanks to my buddy Todd for pointing out the fishing father leaflet)

This article was contributed by Dangerous Dan. GO. VISIT. NOW!

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Losers, you're all losers!!! Nobody guessed correct; therefore, Difster is still the reigning champion by guessing the correct answer to the last Moron of the Week question.

Martha Stewart is Moron Of The Week #2. Foremost, the moron joins PETA *shudder*. Hmmmm, what's worse looking at Martha's ugly mug on TV or clubbing a baby seal for fur? That is one difficult question to answer. Sorry, but if I knew red paint wasn't going to be splashed on me, I'd wear that baby seal skin with pride. Heck, at least I'm aware that wearing fur would be supporting the lifeblood of the Inuit people (that's the Eskimo to the US); not only that, but the meat is used, as well as the innards, bones, etc. So get off your high horse Martha, fur is good.

Another one of Martha Stewarts latest moronic feats is her newest reality tv show, The Apprentice. 'Goodbye' is her slogan, which is quite different from Trump's 'You're fired'. Lol, I can just see it now, like trump trying to copyright his slogan, Martha will get a bigger head than the one she already has and will try to copyright the word "goodbye". Moron.

Word is out that Martha's "The Apprentice" is a dud, though. It seems that the show misses its mark in showing a ruthless, evil b***h that Martha so easily could have portrayed prior to her prison term. Aw, has prison made you soft, Martha? As BusinessWeek Online says, the show "misses a vital ingredient: A Stewart who bares some nails." Maybe all her nails broke off during an attempted prison break? Or perhaps she's just gotten too soft after her bruise incident that warders were certain was from an inmate fight (later found out otherwise to the embarrassment of Martha).

Yes, moron Martha was shackled in the Big House, but I'm sure it's not the big house she was hoping for with all her insider trading money. Redecorating the house you were in was a b***h wasn't it. Such drab colours; bet you were just dying to fix up the place. Here's a pic of her Prison Palace

And, let's not forget that while in prison, moron Martha tried to whittle away the time by pretending the place was Yale. Now there's an insult to higher learning if I ever heard one.

After being released from prison, Martha tells reporters "that she didn't miss cappuccino, she missed the idea of cappuccino". To that I say, Martha you are like a fine cup of cappuccino, we didn't miss you, only the idea of your cardiganNazi, moronic characteristics.

With all the lying and deceit that got her thrown in prison in the first place, who knows, she could become the next president.

In the true moronic wording that she's known for, Martha also mentioned her disgust with house arrest, claiming it was "hideous". Well, Martha, "it's a good thing" we didn't have to hear you for those 10 months you were in prison; we got a break from you moronically telling people what to do and how to do it.

Stewart is reportedly writing a book. I wonder what she'll call it... Jailbird, Yale Is Jail, Fur Is Murder, Martha Stewart (to serve her egotistical side), 101 Reasons Why Prison Food Sucks, or my personal favourite because I wish it were true, Martha Stewart Says 'Goodbye'.

Come on, Martha, you're 64, ever thought about early retirement??? For our sake???

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Posted by Samantha at 12:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Go check out Dianes Stuff to support her blog. She's been away for a while and I think she could use the traffic support to boost her back up to her rightful place in the blogosphere.

Diane's got some great stories on her adventures of fleeing the wrath of Rita, as well as plenty other info. Oh ya, and if that doesn't sway you to go check out her site, she also has the same view on supporting the pres. and on not supporting the PETA as I do.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

There is a new warning out there that new car smell is thought to be a possible danger to one's health.

ABC News tells us that

"'New car smell' is caused by volatile organic compounds that can cause headaches, sore throat, nausea and possibly cancer, according to studies".

The odor we smell in new cars is a mixture of plastic, glue and carpeting that create gases, which may harm us. Science does believe, though, that the dangers wear off after about 6 months, but caution pregnant women about the hazards, as well as advise people not to stain guard or clean their vehicles too soon.

So, I wonder, does this apply to that new car scent that you can buy as an air freshener? Also, can one get high off that smell now that we believe it has lethal chemicals associated with it? If so, I can imagine that tomorrow all the stores out there will be flooded with junkies trying to get their fix of "new car".

This is yet another reason, now, why I would prefer my vehicle to be older rather than newer. I'm not going to die from mine due to toxic organic compounds - it'll be my lunatic driving that does me in.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Get your guesses in quick if you're playing because soon the answer will be revealed.

Who could that silhouette be? Hmmmm?

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Posted by Samantha at 06:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I'm sure many of you have heard this one already, but I have my 2 cents to put in.

Barbra Streisand - hereafter referred to as BS - declared a 'global warming emergency' while talking with Diane Sawyer. BS tells us that "We are in a global warming emergency state, and these storms are going to become more frequent, more intense," and that "there could be more droughts, dust bowls. You know, it's amazing to hear these facts."

Thanks, BS, for the info. We really believe your spew after reading the facts on how Category 5 hurricanes have never existed before this day. You know, I never really thought of her as a Moonbat, but I suppose all of her bulls**t stories kind of are moonbatty - I'd go so far as to call her the queen of moonbat isle (gee, I hope that's one island that sinks fast).

Funny how she’s on the enviro-wagon now. However, when her privacy is invaded because of one aerial photograph of her sprawling huge estate among 12,000 photographs as part of a Coastal Erosion Project, she gets mad and sues. Yes, let’s all save the environment, unless part of saving the environment inconveniences BS, then well watch out or you’ll get sued.

You know how most times we say to singers and actors "shut up and sing" or "shut up and act" when they are irritatingly pressing us to think and act one way or another.

Well, with Barbara moron, BS, we need to say "shut up and don't sing either - please for the love of all that it good"

Or, we could say, "shut up and get a nose job".

BS, perhaps a better looking you might make for a better personality, too, but that would just be me dreaming, wouldn't it?

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Posted by Samantha at 05:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

If you have a little time to check out these funnies, you may be as amused as I was. Plus, you may even learn something.

Ever Wonder About Bra Sizes

You'll Learn About Grandma's Boobies

The Perfect Couple (and yes, for this one, I was one of the women who clicked the men's button to see what would happen.

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Posted by Samantha at 02:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

By Lingo Slinger!

Hide your pussy’s people!!! You may be living next door to a Kitten Huffer! Yes, that’s right. You heard me correctly… KITTEN HUFFING! It’s a widespread alternative to street drugs that could render your pussy soul-less.

These Kitten Huffers are just out to score a wicked high and will then dump your pussy in a KRC (Kitten Recycling Center)! They have no regard for the poor pussy’s they are ingesting and are selfishly in pursuit of the euphoric high given off from the soul of the pussy (especially the Orange ones).

Here are some steps you can take to ensure your pussy’s safety:

1.) Steer clear of any googly-eyed folks with fur around their mouths
2.) Look for indentations around the mouth of the person in question. Mouth cupping marks are often visible with serious Huffers.
3.) Listen out for traps such as “here pussy pussy pussy�

If you suspect a loved one, a friend or a neighbour is Kitten Huffing, call for help. What starts off as an innocent (albeit guilty) pleasure, may turn into a serious problem that could end up taking the life of the Huffer in question.

If you have an adorable pussy that you suspect may have fallen victim to a Kitten Huffer, you must shoot your kitten in the face. I'm sorry, but your pussy is now soul-less and is no longer cute and innocent. If you would have followed my advice above, you wouldn’t be in this position would you?! Now take your bloody kitten to the KRC pronto!

Don’t believe me? Click here to learn more about Kitten Huffing.

This Post Brought to you by the Twisted Mind of Lingo Slinger!

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Posted by Samantha at 11:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

By Moonbat Monitor

It's 4 in the morning, and I just finished typing up a post about the pitfalls of socialism. Unfortunately, I still can't sleep. When insomnia sets in, I tend to think about the great questions man has always asked. Questions like "Is there a god?" "Is there life on other planets?" And "how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?"

Clearly, there is no definite scientific answer to any of these. So I'm not concerned with those questions right now.

There is one famous question though that I do have a few queries about. Not only would I like an answer to this question, but I need some clarification with it as well.

What is this "great question", you ask?

It's none other than "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

Before you even blurt out answers, let me ask a few questions about that first.

1) What in the hell is "chucking"? I have no idea. Dictionary.com gave two definitions, to throw away was the first, to vomit was the second. Neither of these fit into the context of this question. That leads me to believe it's some kind of slang. What is this "slang definition" of the word chuck? Help me here!

2) One part of the question, "if a woodchuck could chuck wood" leads me to believe that for some reason, a woodchuck can't actually chuck. Why is this? Why can this animal not chuck? Do you think chucking requires an opposable thumb? Could it possibly require calculus skills? I just don't know. Someone help me with this one too.

3) This question also brings wood into play. Why? Of all things to chuck, why would this animal, or any animal for that matter want to chuck wood? There is nothing pleasurable about wood. It just kinda sits around acting wood-like. If one were going to chuck something, assuming it should be fun or entertaining, why not chuck something tasty such as cake, pie, pasta, or a chocolate bar? Please, someone, anyone, help me with this last important query I have.

After I have clarification on these simple queries, I will finally be able to answer that "great question" that has stumped many a man for generations.

And after re-reading what I've just typed, I have come to another conclusion. I need to sleep more. Insomnia makes me ask really odd questions - and them put them in print for thousands of people to read. Yay me!

Have fun with these question, and remember, if you're going to chuck something, make sure it's tasty.

This article was contributed by Moonbat Monitor. GO. VISIT. NOW!

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

It seems our supreme ruler, Oprah, has set her sights on purchasing more land on Maui.

You know, I'd hide myself in a bomb shelter for 4 years if it ever came down to her becoming president of the US.

It seems the big O bought 25 hectares to add to her already 41 hectares of island ownership. I suppose it's good that she is maintaining it as conservational land, but I wonder if she'll sneak her way around that contract some day in the future. You know, greed begets greed.

So, I wonder if this deal is the reason why she bailed on Ebony and Jet magazine's founder John H. Johnson's funeral. That's a pathetic excuse for missing such a significant moment in black history (yes, I said "black" for any Canucks or others who think it's racist; bite me hard). If you take offense to that, you may be interested to read this by MR.BIG.

Perhaps, though, Oprah felt the need to buy the land after being shot down by the Hermes store. Lol, she felt so bad about being viewed as a regular shopper that she had to overindulge with 25 hectares.

Or, perhaps Oprah has all her big bucks due to some drug related corruption. I mean, they don't call it Maui Wowie for nothing. Hmmm... it just so happens that she bought land on that island, eh, hmmmm.... Maybe she won't become supreme ruler of the US, but overlord of the drug market, lol.

Hey Oprah, if you do get into the drug scene, can you name your stuff Oprah Poop (I happen to like that title).

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I received this through the email grapevine, so it's not my own creation; I don't know where it came from, but wish I was bright enough to come up with one like this.

You Know You Live In 2005 When . . .

[1.] You accidentally enter your password on a microwave
>>
[2.] You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
>>
[3.] The real reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name
>>
[4.] You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing to button on the T.V.
>>
[6.] Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job
>>
[7.] You read this list, and keep nodding and smiling
>>
[8.] As you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends
>>
[9.] And... you were too busy to notice number 5
>>
[10.] You actually scrolled back up to check that there was no 5
>>
[11.] And now you're laughing at your stupidity

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Posted by Samantha at 12:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Most people I know wish their vehicle was younger in age, but I wish mine were older since then it would be paid for in full.

Older would also mean cheaper in insurance costs.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

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Posted by Samantha at 10:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Many people take the blogging environment a little to serious for their own good. They are the ones who call you on your "facts" as if you are supposed to maintain some sort of journalistic integrity.

Well, guess what, this blogger has none.

Like most bloggers, I am writing for the sake of getting out my ramblings, and hopefully getting a few laughs and making a few bucks in support of my entertainment. And, like most bloggers, I did not take any journalism courses, so I do not follow the standard practises of the field.

I have no desire to do so.

I don't, by any means, claim to have outstanding blog etiquette and have little interest in researching whether my words and interpretations of information are ipso facto. I do try to make sure my information isn't too far off its mark, but I can't guarantee precision.

Those who take this s**t too seriously, should lighten up a little, take a pill, chill, enjoy life a little more, and quit nitpicking minute details because it's not getting you anywhere in life.

You're just annoying.

But, if annoying is your intent, then irritate away. You'll just be looked upon by other bloggers as banal, irksome, and tedious, and they'll end up skipping your site as a result.

You do realise that your daft commentary does nothing more than give one heartburn, and an eventual ulcer, right? What are you trying to prove anyhow? Commonplace, that's what all them numbskulls are, commonplace.

I'm sure there are bloggers out there that enjoy getting comments and hatemail from annoying idiots, though. And, I admire those who relish the imbecilic ramblings because those bloggers have a noodle on their heads to dish out some deserving reprisals. Although I prefer, for the most part, to let idiocy slide, I appreciate reading from those bloggers out there who dish out the pain on unsuspecting halfwits.

Give it to them good for the sake of all us bloggers!

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Posted by Samantha at 12:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (19)

I think it's pretty bad when parents quickly switch channels on the tv or turn off the tv when they're watching a show and don't want their kids to see. Now, kids shouldn't see everything their parents watch, but I'm talking about shows like documentaries on cults, serial killers and rapists because typically these programmes don't have any violent scenes in them (at least, much milder scenes than what their cartoons and video games display).

Sheltering kids is sure to do more damage than if they were to watch it. Most documentaries are even rated PG and the parents flip out and change the channel.

When your kids join a cult later in life not knowing any better, history will be repeating itself; and you, as a parent, will be part of the problem. But, then again, I guess you're entitled to making baby Mansons and the women he manipulated.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

It may sound odd or be odd, but I think it would be so much better to have 20 year reunions for elementary school grades then for high school.

I guess a lot of people want high school reunions so that they can check in on how others are doing, and hopefully take a stab or two at the preppies who are now busboys and housewives with 6 kids or something. They may also want high school reunions to see if they're better than anyone, or to have some sort of ego boost. Don't get me wrong, I'll be at my 20th reunion with my best dress on too, but I think it would much greater to have an elementary school reunion 20 years later.

I have such fond memories of elementary school compared to high school. Sure both could be great, but I wonder more about what my friends from elementary school are up to now. People went their separate ways in high school, so I don't know where any of them are, except for one who's still my best friend.

Maybe some schools out there do that, but they didn't think to do that in my day. I know I don't have the time or will to track these friends down myself, and most people don't, so that is why I think an elementary reunion would be great.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

DD Sez shares some sad news as we learn that Don Adams, the bumbling CONTROL agent 86 (aka Maxwell Smart), died Sunday at the age of 82.

Aside from the obvious favouritism I have for The Simpsons, Get Smart was my favourite tv show and remains my favourite. Adams also played the voice of Inspector Gadget, which was another one of my favourite tv shows and movies.

Numerous catchphrases entered the American lexicon due to that fabulous show, Get Smart:

"Would you believe ... ?"
"Sorry about that, chief"
"Missed it by that much"
"I asked you not to tell me that"
"The old .... trick"
"And loving it"

We'll miss you by that much, Don.

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Posted by Samantha at 06:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

As it stands, I am ranking as the sign of the devil on the TTLB. It's sure to change by tonight, but I just couldn't let that go without acknowledging it.

So, what does this say about me and my site? Hope that doesn't scare anyone off, lol, but I guess if it does scare anyone off, it'll be good because those are usually the overly sensitive types anyhow.

Who needs it?

What does that say about you if you're reading this site? Join me in my menacing thoughts, mwahahahaha.

Actually, I'm more like female version of a Homer Simpson devil: a little bizarre at times. "I am evil Samantha, I am evil Samantha". Yes, I'm a bit of a The Simpsons freak, so only those who've watched that show will get that bit.

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Posted by Samantha at 02:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Why is there a picture of a Candian Beaver on every Canadian Nickel?

I don't know the actual reason for this - I have my assumptions - but I'll probably get a lot of perv hits from this one, lol.

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Posted by Samantha at 02:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Sam is wondering if there are any bloggers out there who’d like to occasionally guest blog on her site.

To be able to qualify to post on her site you must pass the following:

1) Be funny - or at least four out of five personalities inside you believe you are funny

2) Not be above the lowest common denominator of humour – toilet humour

3) Accept that Sam exhibits all seeing and knowing powers on her site, and be a willing minion

4) Be frothing at the mouth anti-PETA. Drool is required. A dispensing cup will be issued to measure. If you post something pro-PETA then you are history, vanquished, and banned from the plain of any existence.

5) Accept a quality control bureaucracy of Sam re-editing the post for English and grammar and accept underlining with a red pen (or it purple these days) to appease her scholastic training.

6) Accept that the timing, ordering and logical position of the posting is going to be random to all others except Sam (and even then, we must wonder).

7) Accept that an editorial review process of posted facts does not exist. If you make up a fact, at least be convincing or have previous work experience at the New York Times.

8) Never post anything that makes Sam libel. Besides, it’s easy to fix libel issues; just use the “They’re coming right for us� rule of hunting technique as appropriately applied to blogging.

9) Accept the same creative commons license as Sam gives to her fellow patrons and give all appropriate credits when due. Sam truly doesn’t want to hire a blood sucking lawyer to re-write the frick’en licensing. No insult meant to any lawyers reading this site. Besides, you all know you are blood suckers.

10) Be willing to accept that words may/will be Canadian-ized, such as neighbour, humour, colour and words like route will be pronounced “root� and not “r-ough-t�. Although I suppose pronunciation doesn’t matter since this site is written not read. But you should know that is how Sam will read those words to herself.

BONUS: Have a thick enough skin to accept if she doesn’t think you are funny. Sorry, the relative truth may hurt, but humour is in the eye of the beholder. Doesn’t mean you aren’t funny to some; even carrot-top has some fans *shiver*.

Here’s the profit sharing model for this website:
Step #1: collect underpants
Step #2: ??
Step #3: Profits

Basically, since she’s a greedy capitalist none of the underpant-blog collecting profits will be split. You’ll have to settle for a link to your site in the posting as your only reward. No refunds, sorry. If you are unlucky enough to get some of the traffic, then you are stuck with it.

This is going to be a trial run, and may or may not continue in the future. Sam will likely only pick maybe one or two people whom are enough of a sucker to apply. If Sam can’t decide, she may hold it up to a vote or use the old rock paper scissors technique.

You can e-mail sam at this site or post a comment here. Read the FAQ for the e-mail address if you can't guess it.

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Posted by MrBig at 12:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (23)

These are my picks for the top 10 things you should always buy new:

10. deodorant: you don't quite get rid of that not-so-fresh feeling when you share your pit-stick

9. hair brush: head lice, anyone?

8. underwear: crusty isn't just a character on The Simpsons, you know

7. toothbrush: mmmm... nothing like that minty bacteria taste in your mouth

6. razors: ouch, that hurts

5. food: nothing tastes better than something that's been pre-chewed for you

4. toilet paper: well, there is recycled toilet paper, but the thought is still kinda gross

3. brakes: Aaaaaahhhh... stop the car, stop the car. I CAN'T, I CAN'T

2. tampons: no comment

1. condoms: wah wah, change me.

Perhaps you have a better idea???

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Posted by Samantha at 12:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I may not like the idea of this because I am a strong supporter of the public education system, but Counterfactual has a point that the BCTF (British Columbia Teacher's Federation) made an error in their speech on the teacher's strike.

Apparently, the union lawyer, Diane MacDonald stated, "In the past, there have been lengthy strikes and lockouts without serious consequences for students or the education system".

I'm with Counterfactual on this one; they were rather lame to say that because it makes school seem like a waste of time.

Oh, it's okay to have a strike because school isn't worth your time, kids, anyhow.

Heck, I wouldn't be the person I am today without public school or have the knowledge I have (and you can disagree all you want, but I consider myself not too dumb), but when I hear this excuse for striking, I wonder if my knowledge would have been acquired better elsewhere - like on the streets where the kids will be hanging while the strike is in place.

I hope the teachers get what they need if it's truly needed; but to the union, don't denigrate the education system by saying, in not so many words, it's a waste of time.

I must say that they seem to have good intentions for the strike. I know that it's getting pathetic with the cr*ppy books (and lack of), overfilled classroom size (including some classes where there aren't enough desks for all the students; up to 40 in a class sometimes), and poor, lousy pay for teachers who are educating and caring for the kids when the majority of parents can't do it themselves adequately or at all (BC teachers are some of the lowest paid in the country even though BC education graduates have worldwide acclaim for top quality education training).

Anyhow, I'm sure some will disagree, and that's fine, it's a losing battle arguing about education because everyone's entitled to their own opinion. Just remember, I win! HA!

nya nya nya nya nyaaaa

That's right, I'm a baby. I'm taunting you like a child. I guess that must be my education shining through right now, eh. I'm still thinking at a 5th Grade level, lol.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Tinkerty Tonk shares this tidbit:

Name one person you fancy but wish you didn’t and one person who other people fancy, but you can’t understand why.

I fancy Dr. Cox

John C. McGinley.

The person who others fancy, and I can't understand why...

Ben Stiller, or as I call him, The Ape.

PS-MR.BIG whined saying that I should at least post a female if guys have to look at this, so here you go. Your welcome.

Hey, and I already put a female in a nurses uniform on this site once, so I guess we're even.

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Posted by Samantha at 06:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

If you're messed in the head (and you're reading my site so you must be), you may enjoy this if you haven't seen it and have a little time on your hands Homestarrunner.com.

I found it through a commenter on The Incurable Insomniac's site.

When checking out the Incurable Insomniac, you might be interested to check out the More Flapjack Bunnies article posted on Thursday, September 22, 2005, 12:50 am. Sorry I couldn't find a permalink to make this easier.

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Posted by Samantha at 02:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Ok, not a real mother and child get married. Actually, it's Demi Moore (mother of 3) and Ashton Kutcher (child-like mind) who reportedly tied the knot.

Demi (42) and Ashton (27) married Saturday despite the controversy behind their older woman-younger man relationship.

So, I guess that solves that controversy. After they marry, they should be divorced and back into dating people their own age in a few months like most of Hollyweird.

By the way, Demi is another one of those nutty child naming celebrities with her three daughters named Rumer, Scout, and Tallulah.

I just thank goodness that I wasn't raised in the Hollywood scene. I'd hate to imagine what my parents would have named me if they were famous. It's bad enough that my dad told me when I was young that if I were born a boy, he would have named me Kennebunkport. Ha, ha, he just thought he was so funny, didn't he?

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
slow news day [by Cafe Oregano]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

In case you missed the info last week:

To your left is the Moron Of The Week posting from which you will be able to guess who you believe is the moron in the picture, then submit your answer in the comment section of this article. On Friday, I will provide the correct answer along with a link to the winning guess's site. Last week was Difster, will it be you this week?

Once again, here is the PS - this isn't going to be easy as there is no shortage of morons out there: politicians, journalists, celebritites, frothing-at-the-mouth moonbats, and the like.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Random Hits [by Bezahlt(dot)Org]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (21)

What's your guilty pleasure? (try to make it PG; for x-rated, you can email to me)

I'd love to be able to admit to kicking rat dogs and poodles of all kinds, but that would be cruel and untrue.

My real guilty pleasure is that I thrill at making up facts while keeping a straight face; and, if it were researched, it would be found that my "facts" were complete fallacies. I particularly thrill at doing this to children, although I eventually let them in on my little joke. There's that and walking around the house nood when no one's around.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Here are some of the search engine hits I've received from people who have checked out my site.

free radical of burns
crazy schoolgirls
perception and interview
crazy world
skinny models
crazy postal posts
samantha porn
celebrity rants
crazy opinions
crazy girl party
crazy pee
august 2005 toronto,ontario,british columbia employers @comcast.net
"I spanked" -sex -porno -hardcore -BDSM
big women disciplinarian
dirty skivvies
dysfunctions blog spot
quebec jokes
Crazy pics of stick people
sick of evacuees mooching
It burns when I pee why?

My particular favourites are dirty skivvies ('cause I like the raunchy jokes, if you couldn't tell), dysfunctions blog spot (great, so I'm at the top of the list of dysfunctional people), and sick of evacuees mooching (because don't we all hate it when victims of a catastrophe make us help them, geesh, lol).

I think, though, that this has to be my favourite of all of the search engine hits: "It burns when I pee why?" I can hardly believe that I am at the top of the list when that query is entered into the msn seach engine. I must be the master of the secretion market or something, lol.

Yup, when I'm on my deathbed, I'll be feeling like I accomplished something in life:

I have entertained people through expelling urine.

Outstanding!

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

One Webmaster's Blog shares a few more stupid celebrity baby names. Please, someone, stop them now before they name again!

One Webmaster's Blog also did a great favour to us bloggers by informing us on how Dianes Stuff was doing; Diane had to leave home due to Hurricane Rita, but is safely away from the area. We patiently await her return to blogging, but I'm sure that's not a priority for her at the moment.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Independent Sources informs us of a new way to sneak porn into the house: claim it's for the good of the New Orleans relief efforts.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:40 AM | Permalink

This is an honest question. Why can't we create cars that rely on farts to power them?

Note I said honest, not stupid.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

YES! Of all the characters I'd want to be, it's Hawkeye. Yay, I lucked out.

Hat Tip: Cyber Chocolate

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

This is the first time I've seen this picture, so I'm a bit mesmerised. It's the Bigfoot truck jumping an airplane; that would have to be the coolest ride ever. I found it while searching for a pic for the Smart car article.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Bluebirds cannot see the colour blue.

I wonder if they're blue about it???

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Posted by Samantha at 07:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Them Dutch are trying to outdo us Canadians in the drug arena again. How dare they; don't they know that Canada IS the pot capitol of the world?

It's been reported that a Dutch talk show reporter plans on taking heroin and other drugs while on the television airwaves.

It is an attempt at bringing awareness to youth on the dangers of drugs.

The reporter plans to tape segments of drugging himself up and getting drunk while another reporter will show clips "about engaging in sex acts, but not on camera".

It's too darn bad it's not the other way around. I think they would have more young viewers if they actually showed clips of people, including the reporter, having sex.

If anything gets kids interested in watching the news, this has got to be it, but I just don't see it being effective in its pursuit to caution kids on the dangers of drugs, drinking, and sex.

On the contrary to bringing awaresness, these weekly broadcasts will likely aid in showing kids how to use drugs instead - an instructional guide.

If anything, they will see that it is acceptable: if the reporters themselves are doing it, why can't they? Not only that, but if society allows this to be shown on tv, then it will only make sense to the kids that they be allowed to do it, too.

Stick to what you know best, ya, all of which happens to be located in the red light district.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Foolish, Hairbrained, and Dutch [by dave's not here | David Earney]

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Posted by Samantha at 02:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Why is Sean Penn our moron of the week? Perhaps because he brought his photographer along to save victims of the N'Orleans hurricane. Or, perhaps it's because he looks like a 'tard bailing water out of his boat with a plastic cup after he forgot to plug the hole. Or, perhaps, it could be because the moron has enough millions that he could support people who are actually trained in rescue rather than risk his own life and that of others in his feeble publicity stunt.

(F.A.G. reference in "Team America" stands for Film Actors Guild)

Perhaps, most of all, it was his petty whining to Trey Parker and Matt Stone over the filming of "Team America":

October 6, 2004

To Trey Park