The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns: Guest Blogger

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Sam is wondering if there are any bloggers out there who’d like to occasionally guest blog on her site.

To be able to qualify to post on her site you must pass the following:

1) Be funny - or at least four out of five personalities inside you believe you are funny

2) Not be above the lowest common denominator of humour – toilet humour

3) Accept that Sam exhibits all seeing and knowing powers on her site, and be a willing minion

4) Be frothing at the mouth anti-PETA. Drool is required. A dispensing cup will be issued to measure. If you post something pro-PETA then you are history, vanquished, and banned from the plain of any existence.

5) Accept a quality control bureaucracy of Sam re-editing the post for English and grammar and accept underlining with a red pen (or it purple these days) to appease her scholastic training.

6) Accept that the timing, ordering and logical position of the posting is going to be random to all others except Sam (and even then, we must wonder).

7) Accept that an editorial review process of posted facts does not exist. If you make up a fact, at least be convincing or have previous work experience at the New York Times.

8) Never post anything that makes Sam libel. Besides, it’s easy to fix libel issues; just use the “They’re coming right for us�? rule of hunting technique as appropriately applied to blogging.

9) Accept the same creative commons license as Sam gives to her fellow patrons and give all appropriate credits when due. Sam truly doesn’t want to hire a blood sucking lawyer to re-write the frick’en licensing. No insult meant to any lawyers reading this site. Besides, you all know you are blood suckers.

10) Be willing to accept that words may/will be Canadian-ized, such as neighbour, humour, colour and words like route will be pronounced “root�? and not “r-ough-t�?. Although I suppose pronunciation doesn’t matter since this site is written not read. But you should know that is how Sam will read those words to herself.

BONUS: Have a thick enough skin to accept if she doesn’t think you are funny. Sorry, the relative truth may hurt, but humour is in the eye of the beholder. Doesn’t mean you aren’t funny to some; even carrot-top has some fans *shiver*.

Here’s the profit sharing model for this website:
Step #1: collect underpants
Step #2: ??
Step #3: Profits

Basically, since she’s a greedy capitalist none of the underpant-blog collecting profits will be split. You’ll have to settle for a link to your site in the posting as your only reward. No refunds, sorry. If you are unlucky enough to get some of the traffic, then you are stuck with it.

This is going to be a trial run, and may or may not continue in the future. Sam will likely only pick maybe one or two people whom are enough of a sucker to apply. If Sam can’t decide, she may hold it up to a vote or use the old rock paper scissors technique.

You can e-mail sam at this site or post a comment here. Read the FAQ for the e-mail address if you can't guess it.

May 2008

Comments

Uhhh scissors!

Posted by: Peakah | September 27, 2005 12:57 AM

Mmm, sounds fun...wouldn't mind being a guest blogger myself...but not the first guest blogger though...

Whoever comes after me, I give them a place infront of me in the line. Not everyone just a few...

I don't like being a test dummy...and I'm not a dummy either.

Posted by: ThatMan | September 27, 2005 04:34 AM

"Miss! Miss! Pick me! Pick me!"

* sits down in a puddle of my own making *

er, do you have any of those spare underpants to hand?

Posted by: Mr.D. | September 27, 2005 04:38 AM

I'm new here so ... pick me pleeeeeeeeeeease!!! :)

Posted by: SteadyMan | September 27, 2005 05:23 AM

Heh. Read me and let me know if I am up to your standard.

I'm not sure I am funny, but a lot of people seem to laugh at me.

Posted by: TWM | September 27, 2005 06:04 AM

I may qualify, even my DOG posts anti-PETA articles:

http://www.plutospage.com/archives/000271.html

My normal website is http://www.eyesontheballnews.com

Posted by: PlutosDad | September 27, 2005 06:39 AM

I swear way too much.

I do however like toilet humoUr.

hmmm....

Posted by: moonbat monitor | September 27, 2005 09:03 AM

Hi! I'm an italian blogger and I found a referrer from this blog...Where is it? Good Blog!

Posted by: Walter Giannò | September 27, 2005 10:50 AM

ABOUT ME: An unabashed admirer of human freedom and dignity. An unapologetic opponent of those who would take them from others by force. Cultural relativists will be beaten with a logic stick. Finally, if you really believe that "A rat is a pig is a dog is a boy," then don't come around my boy, or you will get the real stick upside the head.

My official PETA rant here:

http://newvictorian.blogspot.com/2005/07/rat-is-pig-is-dog-is-boy.html

Also I'm on your random blogroll. Perfect, because I'm a random blogger.

Thank you for your consideration in this matter.

Did I mention that I have admired you from afar lo these many years and think you're crazy-sexy-cool?

Regards,

Robert

Posted by: Robert (New Victorian) | September 27, 2005 11:07 AM

Definitely don't pick me, it's all I can do to come up with something witty and hilarious for my own blog, and as you can plainly see, I *rarely* if *ever* reach even my own standards! :)

Posted by: Dave Diamond | September 27, 2005 11:44 AM

While I'm not applying for the position (I've enough trouble keeping myself shaven) I would volunteer for duty administering beatings to whomever would be foolish enough to post a pro-PETA story.
I will supply my own tools.

Posted by: Billy D | September 27, 2005 01:37 PM

Sorry I'm just a dumb American, and a male so I am vastly in-superior to you oh great one.

Posted by: Jeff | September 27, 2005 01:54 PM

gosh...besides anti-PeTA frothing, are their guidelines as to what to write? or is it sufficient to submit endless diatribes on the evils of PeTA?

HOLY CRAP that had absolutely no wit in it at all! must be cause all you other people beat me to the "PICK ME PICK ME!!" ya jerks.

Posted by: MacStansbury | September 27, 2005 04:43 PM

I would guest for you too. I guess I'm last on the list.

Posted by: mice | September 27, 2005 05:06 PM

BTW, I didn't mean any article written had to be on the anti-PETA topic just they should never be pro-PETA. ;)

Posted by: MrBig | September 27, 2005 05:40 PM

I enjoy guest blogging. Have not been thrown off a guest blog for _bad_ humor... yet. (Although I did come close to a spanking on one guest blog gig. *sigh*And I ws soooo looking forward to it, too...

Posted by: David | September 27, 2005 06:02 PM

Oooh I look forward to this! I'd volunteer, but frankly... I'm afraid! LOL!! Wouldn't want to disappoint! I'm sure you'll pick a fab loyal minion though!

Posted by: Lingo Slinger | September 27, 2005 06:25 PM

PETA: People for the Eating of Tasty Animals.

'nuff said.

Posted by: Dossy Shiobara | September 27, 2005 07:48 PM

Hey Sam,

Great blog you have here. I would volunteer to guest blog for you, but I'm not funny, in writing at least. However, I would be honored if you would consider guest-blogging for me from 10/3-10/5/05, and from 10/12-10/13/05. If you could please let me know either way, that would be great. Thanks!

Posted by: Zelda | September 27, 2005 08:04 PM

Underwear gnomes! HA!

Funny... check.
Toilet humo(u)r... check.
PETA bashing... check... oh wait... there was that comment I left on a post here a while back in which I complimented PETA on its unclothed celebrity ad s. Dang! Well, other than that, I hate 'em!

Posted by: Dangerous Dan | September 27, 2005 08:37 PM

wow, all that is rough. ya threatnin' to crampin' ma style, man! but seems you got plenty qualified candidates. it would be a good change of pace, maybe. hmm, i've probably gotten already lost in the shuffle.

Posted by: lesley | September 27, 2005 09:41 PM

Thank you to everyone who asked to be a guest blogger. Wow, what a response, and I've given some bloggers mentioned above the opportunity (or misfortune, whatever you want to call it) to write an article on my site.

Sorry to anyone who would like to, but missed it this time around. I hope to get you another time.

Some articles should be coming my way soon, so I expect to start posting guest blogs by next week if all goes well.

Posted by: Sam | September 28, 2005 12:51 AM

Wait a second, let me get this straight.

1. The guest blogger has to give up their skivvies and collect those of others, thus blogging commando.
2. ?????
3. Then said blogger doesn't even get to collect on the Canadian beaver nickels.

Hmm. Sounds aboot right to me. I can't think of a blogger who wouldn't jump at that, but what's in it for Sam? :-)

Posted by: Jib | September 28, 2005 06:31 AM