The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

Contributed by Tony from Sand in the Gears.

1. We don't have to sleep in the wet spot.

2. We have the affection of the far more lovely and talented sex.

3. Very little is expected of us, so when we do something right, it's usually a welcome surprise.

4. Vasectomies are far more expensive than the pill.

5. Childbirth.

6. Peeing in the snow. Don't judge if you've never done it; it's really quite exhilirating.

7. Having an orgasm is not a complex ritual requiring the right mood and a precise alignment of moon and stars.

8. Sagging is not as much of a threat to our emotional well-being.

9. High heels, panty hose, make-up, bras.

10. With the creative use of commas we can limit a 10-item list to ten items.

Contributed by Tony from Sand in the Gears. GO. VISIT. NOW.

Note from Mr. Big: HA - In your face Samantha! First, intelligently fisked and now outdone, as us men have our own superior top 10 reasons!

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Posted by MrBig at 12:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

For those whom haven't heard, The Spoons Experience is closing his doors. Well sort of... Wish you well Spoons!

It's another LBW, but I have some Saturday and Sunday goodies for you.

Have a good weekend!

Consider this an open thread and an Open TrackBack Post (OTBP).

NOTE: Trackbacks must link to this post or they will be removed.

GO. READ. The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

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Posted by Samantha at 12:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I don't think anything gives one permission for this behaviour. It's putrid.

Dianes Stuff tells us of a disgusting person who put dried up human feces on donuts to retaliate for poor service at a Fiesta Mart.

Great, now I'm going to have to smell all my food before I eat it.

I'm not going to say much more about it because Diane gives us a good read on it, worth checking out.

I think the person who did it should have to eat his own donuts, plus the donuts of the guards at the prison that he'll hopefully be staying at for some time.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Conservative Cat has informed us of a new conversion system that CNN and others may be using in the near future (if not already).

It is important to read about it because the conversion system may aid moonbats like Sheehan in their anti-war efforts, and we don't want that.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

For those concerned about their weight during the upcoming holiday with all the candy sitting around your house (and I know it can be hard to fight it), I have a very important Halloween diet tip to share with you.

Although MSN Health provides you with a guide to control your diet during this treat-filled time of the year, I have supplied you with the best health tip that I can come up with.

I subscribe to this train of thought, and if you are watching your weight, I recommend it to you.

If you are trying to watch your weight... don't eat the candy.

You're welcome.

You didn't expect more from me, did you?

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Posted by Samantha at 06:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Found this over at Random Numbers who got it from File It Under...

It's probably best enjoyed by the ladies:

Wax On ... Wax Hoff

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Posted by Samantha at 02:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I want to thank the person, or persons, who graciously nominated me for the 2005 Canadian Blog Awards, under the categories of Best Humour Blog and Best Personal Blog.

That is, I'd like to thank the person(s), but I can't because I'm not sure who did it. If you could let me know, I'd greatly appreciate it so that I can either thank you publicly or privately, depending on which you prefer.

Regardless, it's nice to know my writing is worthy of a nomination in those categories. For those of you interested in voting for me, you can do so from November 24th to November 30th. I'll be sure to write more on it as it comes closer to voting time because I want to score big, lol (no modesty here), and I'll be linking to the site where you can vote for me and others when it comes time.

Thanks to whoever nominated me; it's makes me feel pretty darn good.

(I never in my life thought I'd have to say this cheesy beauty queen and Hollywood award phrase, but it's an honour to just be nominated)

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Posted by Samantha at 11:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

It seems a baby baboon at the Paignton zoo has been licked... a lot. Reggie, born 3 weeks ago, should be covered in hair, but mommy licked it all off. Likely, out of extreme love and happiness.

A zoo spokesperson said that they are all toying with the name of the baboon, saying that it should be called Gollum from LOTR instead.

Talk about having a mother's love and being coddled too much.

And, I thought my mom babied me too much with wanting to know where I was all the time and making sure I dressed proper. That baboon is constantly groomed by its mom.

Yes, I am equating my life to a baboons.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Kudos to all those who guessed correctly. Go here to see all of the guesses and to check out the sites of all those who gave it a shot.

I've been calling this one a moron since the beginning of her career. This Moron Of The Week #6 is the "queen of pop" Madonna. And, that means that this week's winner is Andrew at The Essayist and Shockingly Provincial has been dethroned [MrBig update: WHOOPS SAM! I believe the correct winner is Rachel from the Holstein Grove]. Thusfar, only Difster and Shockingly Provincial have been able to maintain the title for 2 straight weeks, will Holstein Grove be able to go for 3? We'll see.

Oh, so now you want the reason why Madonna is moron of the week? Like you didn't already know.

Cone boobies aside, Madonna is a moron for numerous reasons, and although I can't list them ALL here, I'll do my best.

Most recently, she was noted on the Drudge Report as saying that people "are going to go to hell, if they don't turn from their wicked behavior". Ok, I don't see her giving up the sin of greed or living modestly to help "clean up" the modern world, or the Beast as she moronically calls it. Hypocrite.

This wannabe altruistic, martyr-like stance of hers stems from her latest religious move towards the Kabbalah. Yes, Madonna, or Esther as she calls herself as a Hebrew name, claims to have cleaned up her life after Sex, but many, including some Kabbalist rabbis, don't buy it.

Many rabbis have become displeased with Madonna after they found that her latest album (which has a November release date) features a song called "Isaac", which is about Yitzhak Luria, "a 16th century Jewish mystic and Kabbalah scholar". As Jewish law forbids the use of the holy rabbi name for profit, the rabbis believe that Madonna's song disregards and disrespects the faith she claims as her own since she will clearly profit from his name.

Some rabbis believe Madonna will be punished from the heavens, and another rabbi calls for her to be thrown from the community altogether. Yes, Madonna has made a mockery of herself again. What's worse is that in 2004, she visited many significant Kabbalah sites in Israel, but never once travelled to Luria's grave. To me, that doesn't show a lot of faith if she can sing a song about the man, but not respect his impact on the faith by paying her respects. Hypocrite.

And, all of this sudden change of heart and faith comes notedly just before her album comes out (*publicity stunt*) and after the big, public smooch with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera.

Yes, that's right, if you haven't already heard or *shudder* seen, Madonna attempted to get one step closer to a tawdry porn video by kissing the other cheesy stars. Well, guess what, Esther, you're too old for that one. The wrinkles are already showing. So much so that she was painfully turned down for a reprised role as Eva Peron in a stage version of Evita. Andrew Lloyd-Webber states,

"She's not right for the part. We are looking for people in their twenties for goodness sake."

Ouch! That's gotta hurt. And, perhaps aging has gotten to the 47 year old Madonna, too, because she has been spotted having two plastic surgeons visit her London home and she was to meet another in New York. Hey, I guess if you can't age gracefully, at least weigh your options with the surgeons.

And, this is so typical of Madonna anyhow. She was never one to go against the grain. She has always only intensified the trend of the time rather than setting her own. And, that continues to this day with her sample use of ABBA's "Gimme, Gimme, Gimme (A Man After Midnight)" in her new song "Hung Up". Madonna followed the trend again, but only this time she's off by a year or two. Sorry Madonna, but ABBA music and that disco/retro trend is so done with.

Okay, what else is moronic about Madonna? Let's go into the history books and her dating record. How about the time she asked Michael Jackson to the Academy Awards. As stated at OC Weekly,

"whether she really tried to seduce the half-woman Pedophile of Pop—okay, alleged pedophile—is better left unknown".

I also like the fact that she was married to my first Moron Of The Week, Sean Penn. Now, how's that for moronorific? Perhaps morons travel in packs because she also reminds me quite a bit of Barbra Streisand by the way she "prophecy"s world problems and how she takes herself way too seriously. Serious and off her rocker.

And, let's not forget her hypocritical behaviour with her children, Lourde and Rocco (of course, Hollywood baby names, like I said she follows trends, not creates them). Moron Madonna apparently does not allow television or junk food when she is watching the kids, and no magazines or newspapers are allowed either. She states,

"My kids don't watch TV. We have televisions but they're not hooked up to anything but movies. TV is trash. I was raised without it."

Uh, ya, okay Madonna. HYPOCRITE. You can appear on tv and make millions off of it with your videos and magazine interviews and such, and all the while your kids are living it up on that "tainted" tv money, but they aren't allowed to watch it? Makes a whole h*ll of a lot of sense to me. Duh!

And, how about that fake British accent? Moron. And, she says things about herself like

""I am my own experiment. I am my own work of art," Material Hurl, OC Weekly.

Hey, scientists! Put the lab rats away, we have a volunteer. That's one experiment I wish were botched.

And, being the hypocrite she is, although she carries on with a fake British accent, she states,

“My ambition may be American, and I may have married a Brit, but my heart belongs to France"

And, as if I haven't written enough on this moron, I also have news that she's become professor Madonna. It seems that Madge attended a film course as professor for the day to teach students at New York's Hunter College about film.

Ummm... Prof. Madge can't teach film when her movies blow.

And, speaking of blow, Madonna has acquired the fourth spot on the list for most embarrassing sex scenes named by Empire magazine. Her 1993 film Body of Evidence gained her that prestigious spot because the scene is considered "a sad, risible attempt to shock and titillate".

So, although I could probably go on forever, there you have it. Madonna, errr... Madge, errr... Esther, errr... skanky whore, errr... wannabe, errr... hypocrite is rightfully Moron Of The Week.

For those interested in reading on about Madonna's moronic escapades:

Madonna VS. Marriah
Madonna defends Kabbalah exploits
Photos of her at a premiere
Material Hurl comments Not a Desperate Housewife
Trucker Madonna
Madonna breaks bones
Madonna's embarrassing sex book
Madonna joining biddy brigade?
Launch of "Hung Up"

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Ouch! That's Gonna Leave A Mark [by Common Sense Runs Wild]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Here is a list of the top 10 reasons why women are happier than men, or at least, why they should be.

1. the kitchen's all ours

2. we get control of the wedding plans and we get to look the best at our wedding

3. chocolate makes up for orgasms that men rarely give us

4. reading men is like reading an open book, whereas men can never understand women

5. we can get into a popular bar much easier than men; we just show some cleavage

6. we don't fart, we fluff

7. we know how to colour coordinate

8. we can build a man's ego just by asking him to open a jar

9. we get doors opened for us

10. we're not as hairy and we don't have to shave our faces

11. we aren't too chicken to ask for directions

12. scratching ourselves is not an hourly event in our lives

13. we can do two things at once: comprehend what someone tells us while we're watching tv, or pack a baby on our hips with a toddler holding our other hand and push a shopping cart while checking our grocery list and getting the cheapest, best products off the shelf.

Okay, so there were more than 10 reasons. I guess that's because it's just so darn good to be a woman.

Update: Sam you've been Fisked :P (HA-Mr. Big)

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
The Battle Against Sexism Continues... [by The Essayist]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

No, not you. The one to the left there.

This is just a quick reminder to get your vote in for who you believe is the Moron of the week. Will Shockingly Provincial maintain the title for a third week, or can you beat the defender by giving me the answer now to who is the moron of the week?

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Posted by Samantha at 08:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

This is serious.

I suggest everyone read this article on what could really be in your kids' Halloween candy.

Consider this... a dangerous syringe concealed in a Twinkie or Butterfinger bar. Or, ex-lax given away falsely as chocolates or mints.

Or, what's worse, opening up a Tootsie Roll and taking a bite out of dog or cat feces.

The article suggests taking your candy to the community Halloween CAT scanner to ensure your kids have a safe, enjoyable, and spooktacular Halloween. I suggest reading the article in detail as it provides many useful insights.

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Posted by Samantha at 06:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Sharon Stone was reported to have opened a Louis Vuitton store in Paris in nothing, but a designer's coat.

One onlooker stated, "she was like a flasher!"

Other actors at the opening were Winona Ryder and Salma Hayek.

My guess is the store owner was trying to get Winona Ryder to wear a coat only, too, so that she wouldn't have too many pockets to stuff things into if she stole items.

Okay, I'm a heterosexual woman and all, but I know a hot chick when I see one. Imagine, fellas (and some ladies out there), seeing Sharon Stone in only a trenchcoat.

Now that would sell some products.

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Posted by Samantha at 03:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Scientists believe that it may be more of a reality than we thought that men will one day be able to give birth.

After a Canadian woman had a c-section delivery of a baby that grew outside her uterus, scientists think now more than ever that men will one day be able to have the same joy of growing a baby within them.

Ouch! I'd hate to be the first man to be the guinea pig for natural birth.

Of course, when we read this we are all reminded of Arnold Schwarzenegger's movie Junior.

I just don't look forward to seeing men if they were to breastfeed their babies, because you know with lactating men they're going to be squirting each other.

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Posted by Samantha at 09:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (19)

A huge brouhaha started when Michelle Malkin brought to the attention an obviously doctored photo of Condoleezza Rice.

The images in question are as follows:



Drudge, a master of headlines, summarizes the situation well:

DEMON-EYES-ING CONDI: USA TODAY Caught Photoshopping Secretary of State...

The question is not whether the photographs photoshopped, as a half-brained monkey with a glaucoma could tell you the answer to that. The question is: Was the photoshopping intentionally manipulated to portray Condi with evil looking eyes. An important side question, when did photoshopping become an English word?

The best summarized knee-jerk expert reaction from Michelle Malkin's site Reader Scott J. writes:

I'm a prepress manager with twelve years experience and this is my professional take on it. The 'retraction' claimed that they sharpened the image and adjusted the brightness, they did not. The eyes were pencilled in at the pixel level by hand. (VERY sloppy, I might add.) Their 'retraction' is nothing short of complete bullshine.

Here's the two images, simply split down the middle and combined.

Note the forehead and color on the face. No change from left to right. Only
doctoring was done to the eyes.

However, I do not believe that expert answer is good enough. Some attempt to prove or disprove the assertions of USA Today can be done. The editor’s note did confirm that some editing was done, but the claim was it was minimal and restricted:

In this case, after sharpening the photo for clarity, the editor brightened a portion of Rice's face, giving her eyes an unnatural appearance.

While the editor may have excluded some details when writing that comment in the interest of brevity, I will limit my attempt to reproduce the image to simple sharpening and lighting without any detailed pixel level manipulation.

Unfortunately the editor did not include a set of detailed steps to reproduce the exact image and frankly that’s a bit of a stretch to imagine that anyone would have written down the steps to reproduce. As such, I will have to examine the image for clues as to what types of transformations were done to the image.

First, I will resize both images to the same size. The original ‘real’ image is at 450x354 pixels and the ‘evil’ image is at 180x142 pixels. Maintaining aspect ratio, I notice that the image has not been cropped. This is good as at least the details are not lost. Disappointingly, the original image was saved in a very lossy JPG format which means the blocking artifacts of JPG will be present and distracting from the analysis.

To do this, I will zoom in on the before and after images to unreasonable levels typically reserved for the late 80’s style awfully ultra-close-up TV commercials.

The first clue is the shoulders. The real Condi image looks like:

The evil Condi image looks like:

Three observations can be noted:
1. The dark blue at the edge of the shoulders is considerably darker in the evil image
2. The light blue above the shoulder is considerably lighter in the evil image
3. The amount of light and darkness adjustment is not uniform across colours of the same lightness, but rather concentrates around the edges.

This type of editing is consistent with the "sharpness" that the editor notes. This does not prove or disprove the editor’s assertions that the eyes are unintentional, but does give credibility that a sharpen filter was applied.

NOTE: The distortion on the evil image on the far left of the shoulder is a block artifact caused by JPG compression.

Further examples of a sharpen filter can be found in other areas, such as the left ear:

The lips:

The collar:

... and various other locations: the other ear, the hair, the neck and yes, even those dreadfully wicked eyes.

So step 1: Apply a global sharpen across the entire original image. Why? Obviously every edge of the picture has been effected by a sharpen effect. Doing two forms of sharpen, a normal and a "more". I discover the normal sharpen closely matches the sharpen applied to the evil image in every area, except those devil eyes. Actually, I think they rather look like the eyes from Star Gate SG1.

I often note that finding anomalies can be best done by breaking the images down to their various channels. In this case I break down the image into lightness, hue, and saturation which correctly show the eye brightness difference and the similarity in edges between the two images for their saturation.

Original, lightness, hue and saturation broke down as follows:

As you can see the image is identical except for the eyes. This can only mean one thing remains, the eyes must have been separately altered from the rest of the image. However, the type of altering could have been with a fine toothed pixel brush (i.e. intentional altering) or with a broader "I want to enhance the eyes" brush.

Again, when looking in detail the eyes yield some of the techniques used to enhance them:
1. The dark black at the edge of the eyes is considerably darker in the evil image
2. The light of the eyes is considerably lighter in the evil image
3. The amount of light and darkness adjustment is not uniform across colours of the same lightness but rather concentrates around the edges.
4. The eyebrows post-sharpen are identical thus no additional sharpen was applied to the surrounding area.

So the conclusion: Likely a second sharpen filter was applied to only the area of the eyes. The question again becomes how much sharpen was applied? Without great precision I applied 3 times the sharpness as the original sharpen, except only to the eye area and voila – the image now looks like the evil image. For your consideration, which of the following is the original evil image [don’t cheat]:

I’ll admit this isn’t anything of a precision science; and further, I was using Paint Shop Pro and not Adobe Photoshop as the original "evil" image, so I can’t expect exact results. However, the results are very telling on their own.

My conclusion:
1. There is no doubt the eye area has special attention in photoshop.
2. A pixel level editing level did not have to be done to obtain the evil image and frankly would have been tedious to get the correct balance between lighter and darker areas.

Was this intentional? Absolutely! Was it with intent to make the eyes stand out? Yes, for sure. Was it to make Condi look evil? Doubtful. This looks like more of an attempt to air brush Condi by making her appear to have strong eye liner and bright eyes, and a more refined presence from the blurred background.

This type of editing is fairly common, although I personally distain it. If someone wants to sharpen contrast or lighten or darken an image, try and do so on a picture level rather than doing so on individual areas – it rarely looks ‘human’ and gets you into trouble.

For anyone thinking I’m defending the media, please note the Moron of the Week #5 article, and for anyone whom thinks I have a thing against Bush and company, please read Why this Canadian supports the War in Iraq.

For those new to this site, while you are here, why not check out more of Samantha Burns. She's a fantastically witty blogger and I'm the equivalent of the techie Igor around here.

Update: Another doctored photo has been found by Michelle Malkin and the original story found at Little Green Footballs.

For further reading on this topic and various opinions see:

• Rhymes With Right
• Mike's Noise
• Confederate Yankee: Photo Ethics Eludes USA Today
• Steel City Cowboy: USA Today Uses the Sharpen Filter!
• Independent Sources
• The Anchoress
• T. Longren
• GM's Corner
• Viewpoint Journal
• Little Green Footballs
• RedState.org
• Holstein Grove

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
A Response and Correction from USATODAY.com [by Mover Mike]
USA Today Keeps An Eye On Condi [by The Noonz Wire]
USA Today Wordplay [by T. Longren]
Lord Con'di [by Windypundit]
USA Today Doctors Photo of Rice [by In the Bullpen]
Black faces [by scoopstories]
Resolving The USA Today - Rice Photo Issue [by Riehl World View]
Condi Rice and Mystique: Separated At Birth? [by Daniel in Brookline]

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Posted by MrBig at 01:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

I retrieved this article at Speed of Thought and Boots And Sabers.

The weirdos scored another one in Rome this week as goldfish bowls were banned due to animal rights protesting.

It was stated in the article that

"round bowls caused fish to go blind. No one at Rome council was available to confirm this was why they were banned. Many fish experts say round bowls provide insufficient oxygen for fish...."

Okay, ya right, as if goldfish live long enough to go blind in the first place. Furthermore, cats could barely get their paws in those bowls, but now that goldfish have to live in tanks, they'll be more open to kitty attacks.

When are those freaks going to give up, already. I can't believe such a stupid issue caused a law to be put in place. And, what's with the government? Get a backbone already. Even Canada's liberal government wouldn't give in to such imbecilic whining (at least, I hope they wouldn't).

But, hey, if Rome is willing to settle with such moronic protesting, then I have to agree with Rachel from Holstein Grove:

"maybe all the PETA folk should move to Italy and leave North America to the normals".

Sorry Rome, we're sacrificing you so that the rest of us can live happily again. Want our moonbats too?

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Posted by Samantha at 12:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

It is believed that all species of beetles are edible.

So, chow down.

And, the fetish, Formicophilia, is said to be the enjoyment of having small insects crawl on your genitals.

Put the two together, and you get one pleasurable night: dinner and a date.

*shudder*

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Posted by Samantha at 06:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (17)

I get a lot of love from my readers, and I just have to say right now that I appreciate it.

You comment to me from time to time about how something that I wrote was funny, or that you rotflmao. Or, perhaps you add your own two cents, or you make my joke even funnier with your humorous comment.

I think it's great.

This blog would have died long ago if it weren't for this great community of people.

No, I'm not sucking up for anything, no plotting going on, just saying thanks.

Ok, back to talking about sh*t.

By the way, one of my computers that I had storing some blog names to blogroll decided to go down briefly and I lost the list.

If you don't see your name on the blogroll, but want to be on it, let me know.

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Posted by Samantha at 03:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Wednesday [by Conservative Cat]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Contributed by Moonbat Monitor

Another hurricane, another round of weathermen trying to outdo one another. This time it was Wilma that let the "weathermen on steroids" go out in hundred mile an hour winds and flail around like drunks on a trampoline. And I think it's pretty amusing to watch peoples' egos put them in harms way just to get their name out there, and to show in fact that they are the most dedicated weatherman in the universe!

I think a great idea would be to put all the different networks in communication with each other so the idiots...er...I mean dedicated weathermen know exactly what the other networks are up to. This would enable them to know for sure what exactly they'd have to do to convince all of us in the public that they are that one special weatherman. It would get pretty crazy. It might go something like this.....

Weatherman #1 : "Well, I'm outside now, and MY GOD is it windy! If you couldn't tell, just look at how I am walking at a 45 degree angle and dodging debris left and right! Am I dedicated or what!"

Weatherman #2: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, Whatever, #1 - everyone knows I'm the real weather badass around here! Just look at me! I'm dodgin cocunuts while hopping on one foot AND I'm at a 45 degree angle! Ya see folks, watch my station, I'm totally the world's most badass weatherman! #1 - he's a joke"

Weatherman #1: "Ha Ha! So you think I've pulled out all the stops #2? Well, you're wrong! Just check me out now everyone, not only am I hopping on one foot at a 45 degree angle, but I'm hopping up the side of a skyscraper! Plus, the wind here was now just registered at 45 bazillion miles an hour! Just look at all these cars I'm having to dodge! Man, am I dedicated or what! #2 you say? Ha! I laugh at #2."

Weatherman #2: "Oh shut up, #1. I'm not eveeeen close to done yet! In fact, I've managed to tape my homemade, plywood hurricane-wings to my arms, and I'm actually flying around Ft. Lauderdale now, of course at a 45 degree angle against eleventy trazilliongazillion mile an hour winds, while dodgin cars, cocunts, stop signs, uprooted houses, and dead people! That's right, the death toll here is now up to 6 billion people, and I'm outside flying, people! Who is dedicated now, #1 you big pansy"

Weatherman #3: "Oh yeah, well I think both of you are wimps! Just look at me, everyone! I've outdone both of these girlymen! I am out here in these eleventy trazilliongazillion mile an hour winds, and I'm riding on the back of an endangered California Condor that I rescued, after I scaled a skyscraper, dodged, cocunuts, houses, cars, hand grenades, dead people, and Geraldo Rivera! Try dodging that goliath-sized moustache you non-Geraldo dodging wimps! AND, I'm flying this condor at a 35 degree angle! I am the king!

This would go on forever, or until one, or maybe all of them were beheaded by street signs.

Simple point here. We all know hurricanes are windy. We don't need to see these morons prancing around in them to get the point. The palm trees being uprooted and bent backwards kind of give that away.

So #1 and #2, just stay where we all know you belong. In the toilet. And #3...well...what exactly is a #3?

Not sure. But It can't be very pleasant.

"And I'll be right there, folks"

This article contributed by Moonbat Monitor

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Posted by Samantha at 12:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

This story reminds me of Alfred Hitchcock's Birds movie; it's a tad creepy.

It seems a 61 year old man in California was found with 300 sick and dead birds in his house. Upon the discovery, the man was operating on a pigeon that he had sedated with vodka. Animal control found droppings everywhere inside the home and about 120 dead pigeons in boxes and bags alongside his house.

The man was reported by PETA and the remaining birds were euthanised because they were either sick or malnourished.

First of all, I'll bet PETA only snitched on the man because they were jealous of the man hogging so many birds. Although it doesn't say who did the euthanising, PETA probably also narced on the man because they were itching to euthanise some more animals.

What was the guy's intention of having so many birds, anyhow? What he planning on creating a super bird? Maybe he was going to stitch bird parts together to make a Frankenstein bird; or perhaps, he thought by putting a whole bunch of birds together, he could bring pterodactyls back into existence.

So, I guess we have to add to the joke about the old spinster with 40 cats. Now we can say the 60-something year old man with 300 birds.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Extreme Pumpkins is the site to check out for all the cool pumpkin carving ideas you could come up with.

While you're there, check out some of the images of their carved pumpkins. Puking pumpkin part 2 in the photo gallery is pretty funny. And, the burger pumpkin in the contest winners 2004 section is awesome.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
http://www.dianesstuff.com/?p=201 [by Diane's Stuff]
Halloween Humor [by The English Guy]

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Posted by Samantha at 06:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Moonbat Monitor shares an article on how lame political correctness has become.

We're told that the term "freshman" is being changed at Amherst Regional High School because, I guess, it discriminates against women. They are now pathetically referred to as "ninth-graders". I think by now, we are all aware that if someone says something like "freshman" it includes the entire student body at that grade level, and not just the boys.

You know what this leads to??? If someone, especially adults in official positions like teachers or the principal, accidentally says the term "freshman", some student is going home to tell mommy and daddy so that they can sue the pants off the school, the "offender", and the school district.

It's so pathetic.

Talk about reinforcing the negative image of a "sue crazy" country just because they're trying to maintain political correctness. It's not like extreme political correctness is aiding us, anyhow.

But, I think Moonbat Monitor's on to something. Perhaps we should just cancel those Math and history classes, and start a course called PC Terminology and How To Raise Whimpy Kids.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Harry Potter Vs. Wyrd Sisters [by MacBros' Boring Life]

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Posted by Samantha at 02:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Contributed by Jeff

Please fill out this form completely, non-completed applications will be executed. Any answers other than "yes" will disqualify you from employment.

1. Have you ever been convicted of a felony? yes no
2. Have you ever doctored photos with fake blood using photoshop? yes no
3. Are you familiar with the proper use and storage of pentobarbital? yes no
4. Are you an air headed movie star? yes no
5. Do you feel your opinion is better than everyone else? yes no
6. Have you released all of your pets free into the wild on Hollywood blvd? yes no
7. Have you been nurtured? yes no
8. Can you remember to CLOSE the top of a dumpster after a hard days work? yes no
9. Would say your personality is like a sheep because they are cute and sweet? yes no
10. Are you a playboy playmate that takes your clothes off for guys around the world to beat off to and think you have more class than everyone else? yes no
11. Do you have a lack of morals and have no problem distributing bull$h1t propaganda? yes no
12. Do you believe that children are our future and we should start brainwashing now? yes no

Thank you for applying at PETA and we hope you have a great sunshine filled day. Please take a sample of our vegi steak tar tar on your way out.

This article was contributed by Jeff.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
PETA Employment Application [by Questions and Answers]

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Posted by Samantha at 01:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Click on the sign to get a larger image of the ACLU's information board.

I was tagged to post a sign for the outside of the ACLU's offices, by A North American Patriot, who was tagged by Holly Aho - who was in turn, tagged by REAL Teen- Right on the Right who was tagged by Cao’s Blog who was tagged by Third World County who was tagged by Euphoric Reality.

I tag those who support or contribute to Stop the ACLU blog. Or, those who have a link to Stop the ACLU. Or, those who've seen a link to Stop the ACLU. Or, heck, why don't I just tag Stop the ACLU themselves.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Here’s Your Sign ACLU Meme [by Stop The ACLU]
ACLU's Bulletin Board [by Peakah's Provocations...]
ACLU Is Psychic [by BIG DOG's WEBLOG]

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Posted by Samantha at 01:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I bet you are trying to choke your chicken you naughty searcher, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean? I've decided to be nice to my readers and I've found a non-scam site where you can view your "needs". Just follow the link link here. Now back to the article...

Chicken choking is no longer just about spanking the monkey, as I always thought it was.

There is now a chicken toy that squawks, clucks, and flaps its wings and feet wildly when being strangled, and it is being protested by an animal welfare group. They claim that it send the wrong message to children. Michael Beatty, a spokesman for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals adds, "what's next? Burn a cat? Shoot a dog?"

I'm afraid I have little to add because it's really difficult to top this blogger's article. He says it all, from the toy being desirable because it's "very un-pc" to wanting toys that smite Michael Moore and Barbra Streisand.

Go. Check. It. Out.

And while you're there, this is also too funny from The Conservative Uaw Guy. Made me laugh.

UPDATE: I found a picture of that doll. Looks very harmless to me.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

That's right, I think it's obvious by now that I'm whoring Amazon products.

As you can tell by looking at the profit sharing model for this blog, I'm working hard with no payout (but I really do appreciate that tip I got from you-know-who-you-are; it means a lot to me, like the first dollar I ever earned from blogging - it's cool). And, MR.BIG doesn't want to put ads on unless they're from reputable companies, so that means I have to get my readership up first.

Until then, I think my entertainment is worth something, so I'm hoping to make a small percentage off of amazon and people will get a product that they can use and enjoy.

I've only selected things from amazon that I like, have, or really, really want. Darth Tater being my favourite at the moment, lol. I may at some point add a wishlist because I want that little potato head.

If you have any problems with them loading on my site or glitches, or anything like that, let me know and I'll try to correct it, and I hope you find something you like. The list rotates once in a while and I add or delete some items once in a while, so you have to act when you want something. I thought, also, this would be a good time to introduce it since if you buy now, it'll be there with time to spare before Christmas.

I'm not listing books-only like a lot of people do because that's not something I'd be interested in myself. I can go to a bookstore if I want books, lol. But, some of the products I've put on my list I think are pretty cool.

Just wait til the book of crap rolls around, lol, and if you buy it, let me know if it's any good or if it's a sh*tty read. I'm curious.

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Posted by Samantha at 06:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

If you're easily offended, don't go to this site: Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes.

By the way, if you are easily offended, what are you doing reading my site? You must know I'm not very pc.

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Posted by Samantha at 02:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

It's that time again. Moron of the week is in its 6th week, so that means it's time for a new moron.

Two term running Shockingly Provincial is the one to defeat, so good luck to you all.

I'm going to see if a hint makes it too easy or if it's more helpful. Please let me know below if it helps or if it takes away from the fun.

The hint: Hypocrites come in all forms.

Here is the standard info to the game:

To your left is the Moron Of The Week posting from which you will be able to guess who you believe is the moron in the picture, then submit your answer in the comment section of this article. On Friday, I will provide the correct answer along with a link to the winning guess's site. Will you be the winner this week?

PS - this isn't going to be easy as there is no shortage of morons out there: politicians, journalists, celebrities, frothing-at-the-mouth moonbats, and the like.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Moron [by Drunken Wisdom]
For Other Cranky Right-Wing Bastards [by The Essayist]
Moron of the Week [by The Cassandra Page]

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Posted by Samantha at 01:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (25)

You've got to know that I can't go through life without bringing you this significant find.

And, I've been using a boring old porcelain toilet bowl like a chump - how depressing.

Here is a sample of the interesting facts that you can learn at this Toilet Museum near Delhi.

"One such toilet is the throne of King Louis XlV. In fact, the contraption worked both as a throne and a toilet pot which the emperor used for his official duties and personal needs at the same time!"

They also say they have a double storey toilet. I've got to say, it would be pretty sh*tty if I had to use the bottom level of that one.

The information about the toilet museum adds

"Full of interesting sidelights the museum brings to focus this very important subject, which despite its humorous connotations, remains the most important calling in any person's life."

And, it's calling me as we speak. Must go.

Hat Tip: All Over The Map

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Posted by Samantha at 12:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The Urban Grind takes a look at moonbattiness and the difference between opinion and attack.

Moonbats are dreamers and flakes. And, I don't know why, but they remind me a lot of animal rights groups. Perhaps it's ignorance towards others' opinions or perhaps it's the incessant futile protesting.

Whatever it is, we need an island to put them all on.

The Urban Grind also discusses the myth that rich people pay fewer taxes. I think that those who argue that point are simply jealous of those who knew the right strategies in acquiring financial success. I don't know how the system works in the US, but in Canada, the more you make, the higher your tax bracket, which means you pay insane amounts of money in taxes.

I'm sure even politicians pay high taxes. They just steal it back from the tax jar later, lol.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The Miceman is the source for all costumes, Halloween.

Whether he liked it or not, I think the hobo costume was a cool idea. At least, he has memories of what he was for halloween. I don't remember the costumes I dressed in, other than the ones I wore in high school and as a bar-hopping adult.

Mice has guest blogged here in the guest blogger posts section previously on halloween costumes, so you might want to check that out too, if you haven't already.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

The Churning has the down-low on all the euphemisms for pooping you could think of.

If you have any more ideas, share them either here or at The Churning (or both).

All I've got to say is I'm glad it was Code Brown mentioned and not Code Red because Code Red would have to be a pretty painful poop.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Hat Tip: 45-caliber justice

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Posted by Samantha at 12:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)