The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns: Meeting Of The P.E.R.V.'s

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Greetings fellow members of P.E.R.V. (People for the Ethical Rights of Vegetables)

I call to order the first general meeting of PERV.

On the agenda is a discussion of how to bring down our opposition: the vegetarians.

Here is a list of suggestions:

1. Destroy their agricultural fields before they plant again. Salting the earth is a must.

2. Break in to people's refrigerators and steal from their crispers. Blow up their fridges afterwards, but leave their freezers intact as they will need a place to store their meat once we convert them. This is a difficult task, so it requires skill and patience. SET THOSE VEGGIES FREE!

3. Take away their pot(s). Without it, it renders them useless to our advances.

4. Protest at every garden centre you find. HELL NO, WE WON'T GROW!

5. Annoy every vegetarian you come across with your Meatatarian philosophies (thanks King Erasmus for the Meatatarian idea).

Oh yes, and they are very weak from anemia with their lack of iron from red meat, so they should be easily overtaken; however, due to the lack of appropriate nutrients, they can put up a fight with delirious ramblings about the wrongs in eating meat. So, take caution.

Are there any other suggestions?

Finally, we shall discuss the sad misfortune of two of our PERV members who were caught by Big Brother for decapitating and disposing of more than 80 varieties of veggies, much like PETA was caught euthanising and dumping about 80 cats and dogs in garbage bins. Similar to PERV's belief about veggies, maybe PETA believes that it's okay to be hypocritical about killing animals as long as you cuddle them while you're doing it.

Much like the two PETA members, our faithful PERV members were charged with three felony counts of obtaining property by false pretenses (they promised to find the vegetables safe, new homes, but "killed" them instead) and 22 counts of vegetable cruelty (putting the poor veggies out of their misery by chopping them up and serving them in a nice steak stirfry).

Like PETA did with their members, though, we have bailed out our PERV members for $35,000 and will pay their legal fees. We will not be brought down by society. We must persist in the hypocritical protests that everyone's come to hate.

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting adjorned.

Oh yes, and if you haven't already done so and would like to join P.E.R.V., please do so by commenting below.

May 2008

Comments

Let me find out one thing before I join- what happens to Popeye?

Posted by: Diane | October 20, 2005 04:23 AM

Does having been called a "perv" before count as honorary membership?

Posted by: Dave D | October 20, 2005 05:32 AM

Pro Meat eater by chance Sam?
I don't have that problem here in New Brunswick (Canada), we have all four food groups here and if you're caught sticking to just one, "The Others" take you away and you're never seen again.
Oh! I've said too much, they're listening, always, and they don't like to be talked about.
8|

Posted by: MacBros | October 20, 2005 07:00 AM

Sam, check out this site...

http://www.vegetablecruelty.com/

Posted by: moonbat monitor | October 20, 2005 07:27 AM

I have only concern Samantha. Does PERV object to the cultivating of mushrooms? Because really... theres nothing quite as wonderful as a nice rare grilled steak smothered in mushrooms.

I mean... if mushrooms are out... I'm not sure I can be on board.

Posted by: Nick | October 20, 2005 07:33 AM

my posts aren't showing up?

Posted by: moonbat monitor | October 20, 2005 08:15 AM

ok there back....check this site out...

http://www.vegetablecruelty.com

Posted by: moonbat monitor | October 20, 2005 08:16 AM

Count me in. I'm a very sensitive person, and every time my neighbor tears his little baby carrots out of the ground I can hear them scream. Can't these people at least use anesthetic?!?! And don't even talk to me about giant "threshing" machines going to work on defenseless plant life.

I'm crying now...

Posted by: Robert (New Victorian) | October 20, 2005 08:33 AM

This is brilliant, Samantha. PERV is an organization whose time has come!

Sign me up! (Just don't tell my doctor...)

Posted by: Alex Nunez | October 20, 2005 11:25 AM

Earl Pitts once did a skit on "vegetable rights". It is the funniest/saddest tale of vegetable cruelty. It's since been taken off the site where it was available in real player format. If anybody can find it, it's well worth the time.

Posted by: Bob K | October 20, 2005 11:56 AM

Yeah. We'll kick yer guyzes pork-filled butts. We've got Alexander the Great on our side.

Posted by: Karlo | October 20, 2005 02:11 PM

If you can find "Carrot juice constitutes murder" by the Arrogant Worms (canadian satire band), you could use it as the PERV theme song.

Posted by: Lost | October 20, 2005 02:51 PM

A missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous sound of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion."

And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "We thank Thee for the food which we are about to receive."

Posted by: Tenebris | October 20, 2005 02:57 PM

Thanks you all for your suggestions, for signing up, and for your humour.

I will research the ideas above and hopefully find the info to bring to our next meeting.

To those of you who asked about the veggies they enjoy eating, including Diane and her Popeye question and Nick wondering about those mushrooms on a steak, I must remind you of PETA.

PETA has all levels of supporters from those who have pets to those who believe having pets is like a crime. They have people who live almost a normal life (almost - I mean, they are members of PETA for gosh sakes) to those who protest to those who destroy laboratories. And, as mentioned above, they have members who euthanise and dump pets, but they also have members who would never dream of doing that illegal act.

So, to answer your questions, PERV doesn't encourage the eating of veggies, but it doesn't necessarily frown upon it either. PERV realises that there are many levels of "faith" in the system and a variety of lifestyle choices from our members.

Lol, and being somewhat like the president of PERV, heh heh, I get to be a hypocrite of the organisation since I eat veggies too - but, that information must not be leaked to the opposition.

Posted by: Sam | October 20, 2005 03:55 PM

Carrot Juice is murder lyrics

http://t.stlyrics.com/t/thearrogantworms305/carrotjuiceismurder13324.html

Posted by: Kender | October 20, 2005 06:33 PM

and please sign me up....

Posted by: Kender | October 20, 2005 06:34 PM

hear a clip here:

http://music.msn.com/artist/?artist=16494225#

Posted by: Kender | October 20, 2005 06:36 PM

Ugh. PeTA sucks so much. I *just* posted an entry about them last week, spurred by a new ad campaign using David Boreanaz:
http://ninjapoodles.blogspot.com/2005/10/dont-be-misled-by-pretty-face.html

Posted by: Belinda | October 20, 2005 07:56 PM

I'm so with you on this.

Posted by: the mad hare | October 20, 2005 09:28 PM

Okay, I want to be PERV :) Am I member now?

Posted by: Leesa | January 31, 2006 12:33 PM

Perv's we should change are name to PETA (don't kill me yet, hear me out!). I have a group called PETA that eat meat our name stands for. People Eating Tasty Animals. This group has a strong backing here in my high school, we are at war with the veg killer. If we change our name topeta it another way to stick it to them. Vegg out!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: PETA OVER LOARD | May 30, 2006 10:40 AM

Posted by: PETA OVER LOARD | May 30, 2006 10:41 AM