The Crazy Rants of Samantha BurnsMoron #6 Revealed
Kudos to all those who guessed correctly. Go here to see all of the guesses and to check out the sites of all those who gave it a shot.
I've been calling this one a moron since the beginning of her career. This Moron Of The Week #6 is the "queen of pop" Madonna. And, that means that this week's winner is Andrew at The Essayist and Shockingly Provincial has been dethroned [MrBig update: WHOOPS SAM! I believe the correct winner is Rachel from the Holstein Grove]. Thusfar, only Difster and Shockingly Provincial have been able to maintain the title for 2 straight weeks, will Holstein Grove be able to go for 3? We'll see.
Oh, so now you want the reason why Madonna is moron of the week? Like you didn't already know.
Cone boobies aside, Madonna is a moron for numerous reasons, and although I can't list them ALL here, I'll do my best.
Most recently, she was noted on the Drudge Report as saying that people "are going to go to hell, if they don't turn from their wicked behavior". Ok, I don't see her giving up the sin of greed or living modestly to help "clean up" the modern world, or the Beast as she moronically calls it. Hypocrite.
This wannabe altruistic, martyr-like stance of hers stems from her latest religious move towards the Kabbalah. Yes, Madonna, or Esther as she calls herself as a Hebrew name, claims to have cleaned up her life after Sex, but many, including some Kabbalist rabbis, don't buy it.
Many rabbis have become displeased with Madonna after they found that her latest album (which has a November release date) features a song called "Isaac", which is about Yitzhak Luria, "a 16th century Jewish mystic and Kabbalah scholar". As Jewish law forbids the use of the holy rabbi name for profit, the rabbis believe that Madonna's song disregards and disrespects the faith she claims as her own since she will clearly profit from his name.
Some rabbis believe Madonna will be punished from the heavens, and another rabbi calls for her to be thrown from the community altogether. Yes, Madonna has made a mockery of herself again. What's worse is that in 2004, she visited many significant Kabbalah sites in Israel, but never once travelled to Luria's grave. To me, that doesn't show a lot of faith if she can sing a song about the man, but not respect his impact on the faith by paying her respects. Hypocrite.
And, all of this sudden change of heart and faith comes notedly just before her album comes out (*publicity stunt*) and after the big, public smooch with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera.
Yes, that's right, if you haven't already heard or *shudder* seen, Madonna attempted to get one step closer to a tawdry porn video by kissing the other cheesy stars. Well, guess what, Esther, you're too old for that one. The wrinkles are already showing. So much so that she was painfully turned down for a reprised role as Eva Peron in a stage version of Evita. Andrew Lloyd-Webber states,
"She's not right for the part. We are looking for people in their twenties for goodness sake."
Ouch! That's gotta hurt. And, perhaps aging has gotten to the 47 year old Madonna, too, because she has been spotted having two plastic surgeons visit her London home and she was to meet another in New York. Hey, I guess if you can't age gracefully, at least weigh your options with the surgeons.
And, this is so typical of Madonna anyhow. She was never one to go against the grain. She has always only intensified the trend of the time rather than setting her own. And, that continues to this day with her sample use of ABBA's "Gimme, Gimme, Gimme (A Man After Midnight)" in her new song "Hung Up". Madonna followed the trend again, but only this time she's off by a year or two. Sorry Madonna, but ABBA music and that disco/retro trend is so done with.
Okay, what else is moronic about Madonna? Let's go into the history books and her dating record. How about the time she asked Michael Jackson to the Academy Awards. As stated at OC Weekly,
"whether she really tried to seduce the half-woman Pedophile of Pop—okay, alleged pedophile—is better left unknown".
I also like the fact that she was married to my first Moron Of The Week, Sean Penn. Now, how's that for moronorific? Perhaps morons travel in packs because she also reminds me quite a bit of Barbra Streisand by the way she "prophecy"s world problems and how she takes herself way too seriously. Serious and off her rocker.
And, let's not forget her hypocritical behaviour with her children, Lourde and Rocco (of course, Hollywood baby names, like I said she follows trends, not creates them). Moron Madonna apparently does not allow television or junk food when she is watching the kids, and no magazines or newspapers are allowed either. She states,
"My kids don't watch TV. We have televisions but they're not hooked up to anything but movies. TV is trash. I was raised without it."
Uh, ya, okay Madonna. HYPOCRITE. You can appear on tv and make millions off of it with your videos and magazine interviews and such, and all the while your kids are living it up on that "tainted" tv money, but they aren't allowed to watch it? Makes a whole h*ll of a lot of sense to me. Duh!
And, how about that fake British accent? Moron. And, she says things about herself like
""I am my own experiment. I am my own work of art," Material Hurl, OC Weekly.
Hey, scientists! Put the lab rats away, we have a volunteer. That's one experiment I wish were botched.
And, being the hypocrite she is, although she carries on with a fake British accent, she states,
“My ambition may be American, and I may have married a Brit, but my heart belongs to France"
And, as if I haven't written enough on this moron, I also have news that she's become professor Madonna. It seems that Madge attended a film course as professor for the day to teach students at New York's Hunter College about film.
Ummm... Prof. Madge can't teach film when her movies blow.
And, speaking of blow, Madonna has acquired the fourth spot on the list for most embarrassing sex scenes named by Empire magazine. Her 1993 film Body of Evidence gained her that prestigious spot because the scene is considered "a sad, risible attempt to shock and titillate".
So, although I could probably go on forever, there you have it. Madonna, errr... Madge, errr... Esther, errr... skanky whore, errr... wannabe, errr... hypocrite is rightfully Moron Of The Week.
For those interested in reading on about Madonna's moronic escapades:
Madonna VS. Marriah
Madonna defends Kabbalah exploits
Photos of her at a premiere
Material Hurl comments Not a Desperate Housewife
Trucker Madonna
Madonna breaks bones
Madonna's embarrassing sex book
Madonna joining biddy brigade?
Launch of "Hung Up"
Comments
Great post, it couldn't have been said better.
Posted by: Leesa | October 28, 2005 07:30 AM
Didn't somebody else guess Madonna before I did?
I'll take the victory though.
Posted by: Andrew | October 28, 2005 08:01 AM
You are correct Andrew (and thanks for being honest and pointing this one out). See if I had made a mistake like that, Sam would have fired me for sure. As such now I can laugh at her mistake and bring it up anytime I do something equally silly. Sam - HA!
An article correction is posted.
Posted by: MrBig | October 28, 2005 08:15 AM
"My kids don't watch TV. We have televisions but they're not hooked up to anything but movies. TV is trash. I was raised without it."
What kind of bullshit is that?!! She's a hypocrite alright... Fantastic post.
Posted by: The Ranting Human | October 28, 2005 08:35 AM
Why don't you try branching out from the word "moron"? Read this and learn.
Posted by: Orange | October 28, 2005 08:59 AM
A well-deserved prize for Madonna. I'm incredibly tired of celebs who wallow in greed, materialism and self-indulgence calling on the rest of the world to be more moral.
What's totally weird is that, having no idea she was even under consideration, I had a lengthy dream involving Madonna last night. She was a total bitch to my wife.
Posted by: SpoonFighter aka Gideon | October 28, 2005 09:32 AM
I apologise to Holstein Grove for the error, hopefully I've made up for it. Congrats to The Essayist for your moment of fame, hey, at least you were the second one to guess correct. Thanks for being honest because we all know I wouldn't have noticed.
Orange - a moron, according to that article, is one of low IQ or mild "mental retardation", thus proving I've used the correct terminology to categorise the Moron Of The Week.
Plus, what's then is then and what's now is now, and language grows and changes with society, and I wouldn't be much of a member if I didn't grow with it.
Besides, it would look pretty silly calling it the "People riding the short bus" Awards.
Posted by: Sam | October 28, 2005 01:14 PM
Only a moron would tamper with such obvious success...
Posted by: Diane | October 28, 2005 01:48 PM
Whoo hoo! I won!
A big THANK YOU to the Essayist. That was very big of you, and I wasn't really shook up about it anyway.
Sam,
Good read. That was a very in depth look into the moronacity (new word) of the artist formerly known as Madonna or whatever she's calling herself these days.
Posted by: Rachel | October 28, 2005 01:53 PM
still trying to sort out the bit about her heart belonging to france. talk about the ultimate global suck up. and i'm sorry but that green polka dot dress was triflin'. imagine the age has indeed gotten to her. maybe next appearance will be in a muu muu or housecoat.
Posted by: lesley | October 28, 2005 04:51 PM
She's in love with France because they're against the war in Iraq. But doesn't Madonna realize that at least 50% of Americans are against the war too? Where's the respect for Britin? It was their president's idea to go to Iraq - not the soldiers (that are set aside to protect their country) or the people in it. It's curious why she's singling out France. I bet it has something to do with WWII. Well, let me just say this, if it weren't for WWII, we'd all be under a dictatorship right now speaking German -- and that means Madonna too.
I like Madonna's music, stage performances, and dancing skills, but other than that, I agree that she IS a hyporcrite, and mean to those that appear weaker to her. And she sucks the nipples of those with "strength".
I don't know if that makes sense, but that's how I see her. Nevertheless, I can't stop listening to her music.
Posted by: ticklebug | October 28, 2005 08:19 PM
This is my second attempt at moron on of the week, each time "moron" reminded me of Madonna, I was hoping you would choose her soon.
Cone boobs and all!
Posted by: Carmel | October 28, 2005 09:49 PM
I LOVE it! Hypocrite Extraordinare. TV is trash but she made her millions from TV videos. People are sinning, yet it's fine for her to cuss out her own fans and ride anything that stands still. Claim to be perfect yet has plastic surgery, Botox, and has to exercise 10 hours a day to stay like that. Can't do a pic or concert without showing us her fallen crotch and middle finger. Talks about poverty and greed but sells 20 dollar keychains and 90 dollar jackets at her shows. On and on it goes...
Posted by: Schatzi | June 4, 2006 05:40 PM