The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

This article contributed by King Erasmus.

One of my greatest fears in that Canada will invade the U.S. Yes, I can see many of the Americans nodding their heads. Don’t be ashamed, you’re not alone. It’s one of those fears that for the most part are left unspoken. I have decided to do my part to prevent this tragedy by showing the Canadians why they should leave our peaceful Republic alone.

1. American beer has no alcohol. It’s true. During World War II all alcohol was needed for the war effort, so it was replaced in beer with a substance that tasted similar. If you invade, you will have to import beer from Canada, which will be very expensive. And something you might not know – the climate here in the U.S. is such that it breaks down the chemical bonds in alcohol when it is exposed to air. Most likely any beer you import will not have alcohol in it by the time you drink it.

2. Meat will soon be banned in the U.S. Within the next two years all meat will disappear from grocery store shelves. This is not being done because of PETA (who, in my opinion, are the advance arm of the Canadian Military), but because of disease concerns. The recent concern over Mad-Cow disease is the best known, but there is also Mad Chicken and Squirrel’s Syndrome, which causes it’s sufferer’s to carry a shotgun, where a big hat and overalls and exhibit a laugh which is known in medical terminology as a “guffaw�. Squirrel’s Syndrome is prevalent in several of the southern states.

3. California will fall into the sea. It’s been known for years that the fault lines running through California will give way someday. The only thing that’s prevented it so far is the careful application of Super Glue. A lesser known solution to this problem was to locate Hollywood in California. It was theorized that the smaller brains (and therefore, lower weights) associated with many actors would reduce the strain on the faults. However, the theory has not proven out, possibly because Tom Arnold alone made up for about 30% of the weight difference.

4. American women require very large and very expensive diamond rings for the first date (all of you women, be quiet! I’m trying to save the country here!). The average date here costs approximately $35,000 and it is customary for a man to wear a dress for the first six months of dating to show that he’s spoken for. Oh, I almost forgot. There’s no kissing until just before the wedding.

5. My most persuasive argument: Hilary Clinton. Recent evidence suggests that Hilary has a secret agreement in place with the Canadian Government that in the event of a takeover, she will be the American “Quisling�. This will be the first step in her rise to power in the Canadian Government. Yes, I can see the sweat breaking out on your brows…

One more thing – I heard South America (yes, the entire continent) saying something about how scared Canada was of them. Might I point out what a beautiful continent it is, and look how easy it would be to conquer! I’d start with Brazil because of Rio, but you might also consider the Falkland Islands because they belong to Great Britain, and they’d never bother to defend them. And as an added bonus you’d be helping to save the South American Maple, which is being decimated by the destruction of the Rain Forests. If you take over you’d also eliminate that pesky competitor in the Maple Syrup market.

I’m going to go one step further and offer up $5 to help pay your costs in the invasion of South America. I’m sure many Americans will join me in this bribe joint funding of your military operations. Good luck!

Psst – hey America – I think we’re good!

This article contributed by King Erasmus. GO. VISIT. NOW.