The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

Contributed by Lost In Lima Ohio. Lost In Lima Ohio is a regular article contributor to this blog.

I was going to tell you all about how Swedish police refused to pursue two drunks after they terrorized residents of an elderly home. The police instead walked around picking up apples, but then I realized that the intoxicated suspects where just two moose that had been snacking on the apples which had fermented. Then again it is actually a funny thought. Drunk moose running around chasing old people while munching down on apples.

I was sure there was a good PETA/ PERV story in there. Maybe something like as an effort to counter attack PERV on last weeks issue- PETA decided to feed innocent fruit to these crazed moose. I wanted to check this out completely before jumping the gun and accusing PETA of anything that demented. So I did a little search engine clicking. What I found was ... disturbing to say the least. Please, be prepared the following information is unsettling.

After hours (okay about two and a half minutes if you count the break I took to replenish my glass of Pepsi) I have located the very explanation to why moose would would attack old people in Sweden. They mistook them for Canadians- so it wasn't PETA after all. Now, before you say anything- I am fully aware that Sam is from Canada. I'm just hoping that she isn't into this kinky type of stuff.

Canada - well more distinctly Toronto - seems to like to paint up helpless moose in embarrassing color schemes and decorations

and then torment them by putting them in public places. One particular moose was even sadly dubbed "beer moose". It's no real surprise that the biggest sponsor of this cruel public humiliation is Labatt Blue. That's right- a beer company. Naturally, moose do not have the ability to comprehend that Sweden is not Canada. So, in a mass revolt by these two single moose (if more than one goose is geese- why isn't more than one moose meese?) they decided to eat the fermented fruit and rage terror on Sweden. You can't really blame them too much.

Luckily, little damage was done, as the old people there seem to run pretty fast. In the end, the moose retreated to sober up, the old people relaxed and all's well again... or is it? I was going to end this enlightening story right there. However, something told me that in light of these bazaar happenings, I needed to check in with the vegetables of the world. Because, we all know that they are smarter than moose. And those carrots can see better, giving them the ability to have more luck at reading a map.

I tracked down a rather friendly family of carrots, and had a nice chat with them. They assured me that as long as we keep those friendly Canadians from painting them up... they won't be making any drunken attacks on old people. I'd say we can all rest a lot better knowing this.

**Note to Canada, here in America we try to only humiliate those animals that are too small to defend themselves, like pigs. You don't go around messing with animals that can take you out. Just who's genius idea was that??

This article contributed by Lost In Lima Ohio