The Crazy Rants of Samantha BurnsPERV Meeting Time
It's time for another meeting of the PERVs.
Today on the agenda is how to stop veggie mutilation of all forms, but first, a special thank you goes out to sister Dianes Stuff for that awesome and beautiful banner shown at the top. That banner makes me proud to be a PERV.
Now, on to business.
First, we must decide on how to tackle the vial use of pesticides on poor, helpless, and innocent veggie crops.
And B, we need to set up a strategy for ransacking the laboratories that use defenseless herbage to test new chemical steroids.
"Say No More To Vegetable Testing"
I believe that if we combine the projects of ending both pesticide use and chemical steroid testing, we can cease botany brutality and bring forth a conciliatory concord. Who's with me?
At this point I would like to address an issue that is painfully troublesome to us all.
I'm sure by now, you've all heard about the kiss-a-pig contest that an Austen, Texas based company was forced to cancel due to PETA's belief that it would be potentially "cruel" to animals. The company was supposed to use the contest to raise money for a diabetes association as people kissed a live pig, but the company was forced to resort to using a stuffed pig instead.
Well, here at PERV, we have our own dilemma to face.
We must stop the suck-a-pickle contest taking place at Ol' Jim-Bob's Farmer's Market and Sausage Factory. I propose that we beef up our scare tactics to include contaminating Jim-Bob's sausages with real meat rather than the lips and hooves he typically uses.
Further, I declare we threaten him by saying we'll go public about his exploitation of vulnerable veggies and that we'll partake of a protest outside his market in which we'll dress up as broccoli sitting in a large pot of boiling water unless he stops the suck-a-pickle contest to be held on the 29th.
In light of the detestable contest, we here at PERV have decided to hold our own contest:
Tell us in a sentence or two why you choose to go meatatarian. Write your responses in the comment section.
Also, if you have not yet, but would like to become an official PERV sign below in the comment section.
VIVA LA PERV!
Meeting Adjourned.
Linked to: Third World County
Comments
Can I be a Perv? Where do I sign up???
Posted by: Temujin | November 18, 2005 12:35 PM
VIVA LA PERV!
Indeed.
BTW, is PERV a sister organization to People Eating Tasty Animals? If so, can I be an affiliate member?
heh
Posted by: David | November 18, 2005 01:13 PM
OMG LMAO I'm going to have to see if I can find something about the pig's flying in news archives.
For now!
I would choose to go meatatarian because I live in Texas and if I don't start eating meat I'll be shunned by all my neighbors at BBQ's and laughed at to boot.
(They're much more liberal in Austin then they are here in Houston- )
Posted by: Diane | November 18, 2005 07:02 PM
I couldn't find it in the news archives, but Boing Boing posted about it. I Googled till I found it-
http://www.boingboing.net/2005/03/23/diving_pig_electrocu.html
Posted by: Diane | November 18, 2005 07:18 PM
Well, with so many religious fanatics running amok, one wonders how anyone could live, much less be among the fit who survive.
For years I have worked in the occupation to which I belong; that is, I am a plumber. And a rather simple one at that. And don't get me wrong; I fully believe in freedom of speech. But what really gets me going are those zealots who insist that I believe in primordial sludge! (Such raving is better left to the pulpits of our schools.) [cont...]
Posted by: Carl | November 18, 2005 07:45 PM
[...continued from above.]
The short answer to your question? "Mud." The long answer would take too much server space, and would, perhaps, tend to evolve into something which no one would enjoy. What I mean is, I could go on for pages about why it is that I choose to believe in the particular fairy tale in which I believe. I could explain that many people, not unlike myself, have, themselves, fancied the delusion of an Almighty Creator. And as an aside I could also mention that they were highly, and historically influential persons. But who would believe it? Not many, I'm afraid.
[cont...]
Posted by: Carl | November 18, 2005 07:48 PM
[...continued from above.]
That is, however, beside the point. For the point is that I am willing to let the Darwinian fundamentalists believe in their fabliau if they will but be content to let me have mine. And in my fairy-tale, the Creator says we can eat meat. I close with the words of one who is much more learned than I.
Carl
Post Script:
*-Indicates the particular folk-tale in which I am placing my confidence.
I suppose that as there is nothing contrary to one's introduction into P.E.R.V., in either the International Plumbing Code or the Bible, I humbly submit my application this eighteenth day of November in the Year of our Lord two-thousand and five. And if them "People Eating Tasty Animals" has any openings, put me down for that'n too!
C.
[End]
Posted by: Carl | November 18, 2005 07:49 PM
To the author of this blog and the readers:
I hereby give my sincere apologies for the length of my post, which I do understand went just slightly beyond the wording of the author's plea. (Tell us in a sentence or two why you choose to go meatatarian...) I do believe, however, that my post was entirely within the spirit of the author's intent. Besides, my wife is out of town, the kids are asleep, and I have nothing better to do just now.
Adieu.
Carl
Posted by: Carl | November 18, 2005 08:00 PM
Lol, Carl. No apology necessary. A welcomed commentary.
Posted by: Sam | November 19, 2005 01:22 AM
My Name is Jason and I'm a veggie eater, i've been a veggie eater for the last 33 years and i'm finding it very difficult to stop...please help...you PERV's
Posted by: Jason | November 21, 2005 06:52 AM
i was so absorbed in carl's manifesto, i forgot where i put my minutes for this meeting. sam, brief me on the pickle situation after i address the deformed turnip abuse scandal... meat all the way!
Posted by: lesley | November 21, 2005 02:34 PM