The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

Contributed by Blogonomicon

On November 4 the CBC reported that mysterious radio signals were jamming garage door openers across Ottawa.

Since it was only recently discovered that Canada's gun problem is the fault of the United States (at least, according to our often-flaky sit-in, not actually elected by Canadians, Prime Minister who doesn't have the facts to back it up), the CBC immediately contacted the U.S. Embassy for an explanation.

Apparently the new Land Mobile Radio System used by the U.S. military shares frequency spectrum with the most common garage door openers. The embassy "categorically denied that it had anything to do with it."

But don't believe anything until it is officially denied.

Some are speculating that this was, in fact, a psychological operation aimed not at Ottawa, but instead at Angola. As shown in the photo accompanying this article, Angolan Ambassador Miquel Puna was unable to close the embassy's gates using his remote control.

He was, in fact, forced to use nothing more sophisticated than his bare hands. According to reports, he may have been forced to manually close "not only this gate, but even other gates."

Others have also proposed that this is only the beginning of a new form of warfare, begun on a very localized basis for experimental purposes. Future targets are expected to include various points inside Quebec, since no one likes Quebec anyway, and possible operations overseas.

One likely target is the garage door of Prince Charles, just to, as one insider put it, "mess with his head."

In other technology news, a Miami-based luxury cruise ship used a sonic weapon to defend itself against a pirate attack off the coast of Africa this past week. The new sonic weapon is said to use "a high-pitched, piercing tone with a tight beam." Reports that the ship's gofer was "only playing an old Sugarcubes tape" are unsubstantiated.

This article contributed by Blogonomicon