The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns: Moron Of The Week #14

Moron of the Week - 14 - Michael Jackson Spoonfighter has dethroned Tales of the stupid who won it last week for knowing that Saddam Hussein is a gawd-dang moron.

That's right, Spoonfighter guessed correct that it's the man-child, Michael Jackson.

Bubbles the monkey-loving, elephant man wannabe-owning Wacko Jacko, as they call him, is the 14th moron for many reasons which you already know, and some that you may not know, but I will regurgitate much of it here.

Foremost, we know moron Michael for his pajama parties. Oh wait, I suppose we're supposed to know him for his music, or for the moonwalk he created, but na, we really know the guy these days for his child molestation court cases.

Or, was it his weirdly deformed face?

Na, it was the bedtime ticklings.

It all started in 1993 when a boy, Jordie Chandler, accused Wacko of inappropriate behaviour at Wacko's Neverland ranch sleepovers.

Michael settled the civil case by paying $20 million.

After a brief marriage, and very bizarre and ugly kiss with Elvis' daughter and Scientology scholar (lol), Lisa Marie Presley, and a few nose jobs, and a few children, Wacko was back in court with another child molestation case.

Oh, but wait, let's not forget the very wonderful, baby dangling incident in Berlin. Hmmm.. the name Wacko is fitting, isn't it? I mean, who gets that excited that they forget they have a baby in their hands and wave it around for everyone. All the while, Prince Michael Jackson II's head is covered with a blanket.

Ya, really sane.

Sure.

But, it's not surprising that he named his kids such odd names. With stupid celebrity baby names like Gwenyth Paltrow's baby Apple and all that nuttiness, naming one's kid after oneself seems the most honest of the lot.

I mean, it is the celebrities who get big heads more than anyone, so it's only fitting that they name their kids after themselves with the added bonus of giving them royalty, i.e. naming it Prince Michael.

But, back to the most recent court case involving accusations of child molestation. Wacko was indicted on 10 counts, including

"four allegations of molestation, one of attempted molestation, four of serving alcohol to a minor and one for conspiracy".

After a strong defense, with many celebrities taking the stand like Jay Leno, Chris Tucker, George Lopez, and of course, Wacko's best bud Macaulay Culkin, Wacko was found not guilty on all accounts.

Although the only people who really know what went on were the people in the room that/those night(s), I do find it displeasing to learn that smut (Hustler Barely Legal) was found in Wacko's bedroom with both his and the accuser's fingerprints on it.

I also find it interesting how he got off so easily (no pun intended). I mean, don't you find it odd that Michael Jackson is known for his single-gloved hand and he was found not guilty just like OJ Simpson was found not guilty as a result of his single-gloved incident?

Well, no matter what, Wacko has decided to profit from the experience. It would only be appropriate that he released a new single based on his bedtime antics, calling the song, "Oops... I did it again". And, it is especially fitting that he use Britney's song considering Spears offered Wacko advice while he was going through court.

Hmmm... is there a future love connection for these two???

*shudder*

Wacko is also coming out with his own line of fragrances like many celebrities. And, he's going to use a naming method much like Calvin Klein has as Wacko calls his perfume, Molestation.

But, I wouldn't want to wear that scent. Ick!

Oh, how the list goes on for the "king of pop" and the oddities of his existence. His skin lightening and facial disfigurement is one that really alarms people. Why would someone make themselves look so terrible is one question that pops to mind. And, although he's denied it in his past, it is absolutely impossible to ignore the reality that the guy has definately gone from a normal-looking human being to looking like some horrid alien.

In further news, Wacko was caught in a woman's bathroom at a shopping mall in Dubai. Wacko, at the time, was putting on makeup and wearing a traditional Arab women's headscarf.

No comment. It speaks for itself how weird that duck is.

I guess he just wanted to be a pretty lady.

She's SO pretty.

A pretty anti-semitic lady, that is. Wacko was also caught on voicemail spewing prejudice ideals:

"They suck … They're like leeches. … I'm so tired of it … It is a conspiracy. The Jews do it on purpose."

Moron. It's like he's becoming some white, everybody-hop-in-my-bed, perverted, bigot lady.

Oh yes, and he's overdosed, or not overdosed, or did overdose on drugs, or not? Whichever it really is, Wacko Jacko was thought to have OD'ed on Demerol and Jack Daniels while living exiled in Bahrain.

It's certainly not okay to do if he did it, but I think I would have done it, too, if I created such a miserable life for myself.

Fortunate for me, I'm not nuts.

Well, as I just about wrap up my review of the moron, I will just mention that Wacko may be sued for custody of his kids, Prince Michael Jr. and Paris.

Wacko's ex-wife, Debbie Rowe has filed legal papers that accuse him of abducting their kids and she requests that he return from Bahrain with the kids.

Rowe has recently been noted, stating that Wacko is not the father of the kids:

"Michael knows the truth - that he is not the natural father of Prince Michael Jr and Paris. He has to come clean."

Let's just hope that they aren't really his offspring.

Like we really need to infest the planet with more future moron's of the week.

Ah, hee hee!

Comments

Please, take as much time as you want in posting MJ's pic. Really, at least until I'm done with breakfast.

Posted by: Windigo | December 23, 2005 04:32 AM

Windigo - hope you've eaten because he just got the pic up.

And, it's his pretty pic, too, so we can all enjoy an extra barfy breakie.

Posted by: Sam | December 23, 2005 07:31 AM

Always remember, Jacko is only two letters away from Jackoff.

Posted by: Mark B. | December 23, 2005 08:16 AM

I once watched a training video for EMT's that involved trying to get a breathing tube into the throat of a man who'd erased his face from having slid off his motorcycle at 60 MPH.

That was a lot easier to look at than this photo of Jacko.

Posted by: Dave D | December 25, 2005 05:01 PM

Wait, so MJ owning heterosexual (girlie magazines) that your average straight man has is disturbing? Well I'll be...the irony. Especially when consider his collection (Over 50s, Plumpers, etc).

Prince is the first name, Michael is the middle name, much like Michael's father name is Joseph, and Michael's middle name is Joseph.

Don't ask me why I'm commenting on a circa 3 year old archive entry, but I'm bored.

Posted by: angela | January 22, 2008 10:35 PM