The Crazy Rants of Samantha BurnsMoron Revealed #17
Despite kevin's hint in the comment section,
"You made it so difficult I need to go relax at a major hotel chain. Possibly one overseas so I can enjoy some good wine and cheese :D"it took a while for anyone to guess this moron correctly.
However, Stray Dog eventually guessed it correctly that Paris Hilton, soon to be renamed Super 8 Motel with rates by the hour, is a moron. This means that The World According to Nick has been dethroned and that Dave D. was only slightly incorrect - I mean, it kinda is a dildo in a wig, but she isn't in dreadlocks, so you don't win, lol.
I could be wrong, but I wouldn't doubt if Stray Dog recognised that Hilton is more than just a moron, she is probably the stupidest moron we've had thusfar. Some people out there may try to defend her intellect, but a fake dumb blonde is a fake dumb blonde.
And, gathering by the hint, Hilton is definately #1, but not in a good way. She's #1 Worst Dressed list by PETA, #1 Worst Pet Owner, and she does #1 in public (read more about it below). Plus, Hilton thinks everything's about her, so she's #1 to herself.
Hilton's latest monstrosity is the Paris Hilton beauty line. Try saying that without laughing.
All I can think of is that now, I can pick out my very own shade of Beverly Hills trailer trash blue eye shadow.
First, she has the new fragrance, which is supposed to be based on her lifestyle, so I wouldn't doubt if it smells a little fishy (ew).
Now, she's coming out with clothes, shoes, watches, hair products, and make up.
Yes, I'd like to purchase something from your Skanky Ho collection. I'd like a Dirty Whore Dress and a pair of Bimbo loafers, and top it off with some Ditsy doorags. Plus, her watch only displays two times: get drunk and party time.
And, I can see what could happen here. Every celebrity jumped on the bandwagon for creating their own perfume, so next, we're going to see celebs all over pawning their own cosmetics. Sure, we've already got the Kate and Ashley line out there, but that's not enough. We need the Tammy Fay Baker line and the Whitney Houston crack whore collection (you'll love the white powder cosmetics).
Paris Hilton is further shown to be a moron as she heads into lawsuit after lawsuit. One of her present suits is about her alleged slander against another heiress. Diamond heiress, Zeta Graff, is suing Hilton for concocting lies to a New York Page Six publication.
Graff argues that Hilton told the publication that Graff went "berserk" at a nightclub and tried to rip a diamond necklace off Hilton's neck. Although Hilton now admits it was a lie, she claims she's not at fault and places the blame on her former publicist.
During the trial, Paris uttered stupidity such as
When questioned on the last name of a companion identified as Terry, who was with her on the night of the reported run-in with Graff, Hilton replied, "It is like a weird Greek name. Like, Douglas."and,
Later, Graff's lawyer, Paul Berra, asked her if she was aware that the false item had made its way into "U.K. publications.""No," Hilton replied. "There is stuff in London."
Her lawyer, Larry Stein, jumped in to explain, "London is a U.K. publication."
"Right. U.K. Whatever," Hilton answered, per the deposition.
Paris is, of course, a moron for many, many, many more reasons.
For instance, she published a book that had pink on each and every page. The book is called Confessions of an Heiress, and it has numerous helpful hints to help one know what it takes to be perceived as an heiress. All of this fabulous information can be found between chapter one: "It’s All About Me" and chapter twelve: "The Ultimate Heiress Wedding".
And, seeing as I haven't read the book, I can only imagine what the other chapter titles might be and the contents within. Here's my guess:
Chapter 2: Find a jittery purse-sized mutt or other odd pets.
Hilton has not only been noted fashioning a monkey and a ferret, but she has primarily been seen carrying her punter of a pooch, Tinkerbell. This has gotten her into a lot of hot water from animal rights groups who claim she's not taking proper care of the dog, but she's also gained negative feedback from the public for swapping Tinkerbell with another tiny Chihuahua named Bambi because Tinkerbell got too big to be her accessory.
Chapter 3: Wear yellow. Yellow is the new pink, which was the new black.
I have a premonition that yellow will be the new pink for Paris for a few reasons.
Paris may be in trouble for p*ssing in a cab in Maui. Apparently, she couldn't hold it in, so she peed in the cab on her way between bars. The cab driver towelled up her mess and plans to take it in for DNA testing (likely to cash in on a suit, but that's just my guess). Her other yellow experience is in promoting a company called goyellow.de. And finally, she shows her need to expell the yellow as she orders her aides to clear the bathroom for her and her friends whenever she wants, leaving decent, less ignorant folks waiting even longer to use the john.
Chapter 4: Finger out the food - using bulemia to stay thin and ghastly.
That's right. Some believe the horrible heiress may be barfing her way to stardom. Decide for yourself.
Chapter 5: How to conceal gossip about other famous people.
Hilton's newly learned hint - don't keep their information in your cell phone day planner because it could be hacked.
Chapter 6: Strike a pose - over and over and over again.
Some think that Hilton has variety and depth; others, however, know better.
Chapter 7: Friends in low places - how to keep friends who are wealthy, but dumb like you.
Hilton has been seen with a past Moron Of The Week, Tara Reid. She is also known to have been friends with the daughters of some cr*ppy 80s singers. Nicole Richie for one (adopted daughter of Lionel Richie) and Kimberly Stewart (daughter of Rod Stewart).
Hilton, Stewart, and Reid are also known to have topped PETA's worst-dressed list (now I'm confused: laugh at the morons or applaude for p*ssing off PETA?).
Chapter 8: Use a catchphrase to its bitter end.
Of course, we all know Paris Hilton for her stupid saying, "That's Hot", but did you know that she's not too swift on how to print it grammatically correct. (okay, she may not have made the shirt, but if you have any self-respect and knowledge of the English language, you wouldn't likely wear something so embarrassing).
Chapter 9: Hide your drug habit - it's okay to be known as a drunk, but not as a druggy.
We know Hilton for her stumbling around like a drunken lunatic, but we never hear anything about her doing drugs... until now.
Chapter 10: Keep your racist sentiments to yourself - another lesson she has not yet learned.
Hilton has been accused by her new boyfriend's friend of spewing racist remarks such as calling him a lazy Mexican.
And finally,
Chapter 11: How to maintain the appearance of a rich, waste of space on this planet.
Hilton is shown as a grubby vehicle owner as a valet, cleaning service refused to decontaminate her land rover. I guess the snotty rich b* can't get everything she wants. Apparently, the vehicle was full of sh*t, from magazines to some grody underwear (I wouldn't touch that possibly disease-ridden stuff either).
Waste of space, I mean Hilton, is also a dolt for losing £2 million worth of diamonds at a party. That sounds familiar as I remember writing about moron Tara Reid losing money at an airport, too.
And, there's always the Paris Hilton who believed in Santa until she was 17.
So, what are you saying, that Santa isn't real??? Paris Hilton, you are a mean person because I never knew that he wasn't real. Wah wah!
To conclude this, it is reported that Hilton plans to retire from her public role in 2007.
We can only hope.
My question is what publicity stunt is she planning for 2007 for her to draw a connection to herself and that year? A little baby accessory to carry in her purse? Let's just hope it doesn't grow too big, or she might get rid of it.
More on the moron:
Aw, Paris, it's not so bad, is it?
Watch Hilton screw (safe for work, non-graphic)
Paris will get with anything
Nobody likes camel toe wedgy or crotch itch.
Paris's Carl's Jr. commercial
This is one funny blog about Hilton's secret diary
Superficial both inside and out
Paris Hilton Christmas shrine
The smoking gun sex tape info
Paris wants Punxsutawney Phil as a pet
Not quite Hilton's Carl's Jr. ad
Paris just a little obsessed with herself
Paris to play Zsa Zsa Gabor in telemovie
Paris to sing about Nicole?
Hilton and her lolli, and perhaps a kiss with a friend
Another clearance for Hilton at the loo
Hilton's butt patch
For the Canucks and others who know the old tv show, The Kids In The Hall. She kind of reminds me of the chicken lady here (it's uncanny).
The scariest halloween mask ever.
Paris Hilton sings
Paris likes dogs. Maybe a little too much.
Learn some Paris quotes She'll astound you with her genius.
Paris Hilton Not Killed in Car Crash; Nation Mourns
Paris Laya
This one has explicit content - Warning: boob, twat, butt, and poor clothing choices. Viewer discretion is advised.
Congrats again Stray Dog
Comments
Sacheen Littlefeather will drop by later to decline the award on my behalf.
Posted by: Stray Dog | January 27, 2006 04:29 AM
Rats. It was the dreads that got me.
That poor Paris. She just can't catch a break, even up north.
Posted by: Dave D | January 27, 2006 11:05 AM
The only value that Paris has is as a moron. She has no other qualities.
Posted by: Ole Blue | January 27, 2006 11:33 AM
I did like her in the end of this movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075860/
Posted by: Mark B. | January 27, 2006 12:11 PM
Ah, I found a good picture of her from that movie:
http://www.imaginekitty.com/external/pictures/ce3kcard.jpg
Posted by: Mark B. | January 27, 2006 12:15 PM
I dont see why people have to take the piss out of her?!
Seriously its not like she would even know this is going on and its not going to make you any better.
People who bitch and try to destroy people like this is just because they are more pretty, skinny, rich, famous and other stuff then they are.
You dont have to mock other people because of your miss fortunes.
I mean i guess they like to flaunt that they are "better" then the normal person but thats their choice and you cant do anythin about it!
Posted by: Jess | June 7, 2006 05:37 AM