The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

This post submitted a day late due to forgetting what day it was by Lostinlimaohio, and approved (with points deducted for lateness) by Sam.

Dear Kid Whose Nipple I Pinched in the Deli,

I'm sorry that your nipple called out to me while we where standing in line at that deli. You see, I really wanted olives on my sub, but the cashier wouldn't let me have any. And then, I like seen your nipple- it was sort of cold outside- just poking out through the thin cotton lining of your shirt. So I pinched it. And then twisted it. I know dude, it was thoughtless. But, like man, I couldn't help myself. Don't you know to that you should wear thick shirts in the winter? I mean, come on man- we were in a deli- and your nipple was like THERE- what did you expect me to do? I don't know what the problem is, I mean so like you got a tittie twister dude, okay my bad. We're cool now right?

Signed,

Kid Who Pinched Your Nipple in the Deli.

That's all David Thumler would have had to write to prevent himself from four days in juvenile detention after being convicted of "offensive physical touching" last July. But, TwistinThumler couldn't bring himself to do it, and rejected the idea of explaining his nipple twisting actions, so the judge sent him off to the nearest detention center.

Imagine being locked up for four days with actual "bad kids" and having to explain that your crime consisted of pinching some other boy's nipple.

"So dude, like what ya do?"

"Busted into a car and took some stuff after sniffin some glue, whadda do?"

"Was stoned on some crazy s*** and laid into this dude, whadda ya do newby?"

"Twisted this dudes nipple...."

Article contributed by Lostinlimaohio