The Crazy Rants of Samantha BurnsGuest Blog Offer
It's 2006, and I thought I'd better get my butt in gear and offer another guest post spot to you all.
If you would like to write an article or two for this blog, please read the instructions below and let me know.
To be able to qualify to post on Sam's site, you must pass the following:
1) Be funny - or at least four out of five personalities inside you believe you are funny
2) Be frothing at the mouth anti-PETA. Drool is required. A dispensing cup will be issued to measure. You do not have to write something anti-PETA, but know that if you post something pro-PETA then you are history, vanquished, and banned from the plane of any existence.
3) Accept a quality control bureaucracy of Sam re-editing the post for English and grammar and accept underlining with a red pen (or is it purple these days) to appease her scholastic training.
4) Accept that the timing, ordering and logical position of the posting is going to be random to all others except Sam (and even then, we must wonder).
5) Accept that an editorial review process of posted facts does not exist. If you make up a fact, at least be convincing or have previous work experience at the New York Times.
6) Never post anything that makes Sam libel. Besides, it’s easy to fix libel issues; just use the “They’re coming right for us� rule of hunting technique as appropriately applied to blogging.
7) Accept the same creative commons license as Sam gives to her fellow patrons and give all appropriate credits when due. Sam truly doesn’t want to hire a blood sucking lawyer to re-write the frick’en licensing. No insult meant to any lawyers reading this site. Besides, you all know you are blood suckers.
8) Be willing to accept that words may/will be Canadian-ized, such as neighbour, humour, colour and words like route will be pronounced “root� and not “r-ough-t�. Although I suppose pronunciation doesn’t matter since this site is written not read. But you should know that is how Sam will read those words to herself.
BONUS: Have a thick enough skin to accept if she doesn’t think you are funny. Sorry, the relative truth may hurt, but humour is in the eye of the beholder. Doesn’t mean you aren’t funny to some; even carrot-top has some fans *shiver*.
Here’s the profit sharing model for this website:
Step #1: collect underpants
Step #2: ??
Step #3: Profits
Basically, since she’s a greedy capitalist none of the underpant-blog collecting profits will be split. You’ll have to settle for a link to your site in the posting as your only reward. No refunds, sorry. If you are unlucky enough to get some of the traffic, then you are stuck with it.
This is going to be a trial run, and may or may not continue in the future. Sam will likely only pick maybe one or two people whom are enough of a sucker to apply. If Sam can’t decide, she may hold it up to a vote or use the old rock paper scissors technique.
You can e-mail sam at this site or post a comment here. Read the FAQ for the e-mail address if you can't guess it.
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Comments
AUGH! SHE FIRED ME!
Posted by: L. | March 3, 2006 06:44 AM
Lol, ya for being late. Kidding, you're a regular underpants collector here who I hope will continue writing for me. Maybe one day those underpants will turn into something more substantial for us, all fingers crossed.
Posted by: Sam | March 3, 2006 07:05 AM
It's really hard to recall what day it is when the kids have Monday off. Just wait till summer comes and I completely lose track of entire WEEKS.
Posted by: L. | March 3, 2006 07:09 AM
Submitted for your approval, I am requesting rights to occasionally post on this blog, as well as permission to be supreme dictator of the planet.
Whichever you can swing is fine...
Regarding your requirements:
1. I am incredibly funny. This is not only the opinion of 6 of my 5 personalities, but has been scientifically proven by many major non-Canadian universities.
I am also exceedingly good-looking, but that is not germane to this particular application for blogging rights. It's just FYI.
2. PETA sucks a**, and I would set them and their dirty-hippy friends on fire at the slightest provocation.
Ok. Even if I wasn't provoked.
Impaling is not out of the question, either.
Impaling and immolation at the same time would be totally sweet (check your local ordinances).
3. I accept constructive criticism very well, except from hippies.
And people.
But I can adapt.
Got a problem wit dat?
4. I'm used to being FIRST!, but I will concede this for the sake of diversity, tolerance and peace.
Heh.
5. I don't make up stuff, except when it suits my purposes (or when I'm drunk).
(Fabrications are then duly noted, or so blatently outrageous, that they could never be construed as facts.)
Of course, this does not apply to number 1. of my application, as that stuff is like totally true and stuff.
6. I am never libelous. I am evil, coniving, arrogant, smarmy, annoying, hysterically funny, snarky and tend to drone on and on, but I never am libelous.
7. I ALWAYS source and credit everything.
It's just proper.
See my site for examples. Any source (pics, news, quotes) is always credited and linked (if possible).
Did I mention I'm really smart, too?
8. Aren't Canadians Satan worshippers or something? Eh? I will pray for you...
Just kidding. I watched Bob and Doug McKenzie on SCTV when I was a kid, so I speak fluent Canukistani. I like Rush (the band, and Limbaugh, for that matter), and I saw "Strange Brew" twice.
Also, I am a huge Max Webster/Kim Mitchell fan!!!
Dang! It's almost like I live there!!!
Additionally, if you don't think I'm funny, I suggest professional therapy.
And drugs.
Lots of drugs....
I hear tell they're real cheap in Canada.
Finally:
Underpants gnomes and greedy capitalists both rock!!! (I'm a capitalist, but not, however, a gnome, or a troll for that matter).
Remember, if you don't let me post, Sadaam, Babs, and the liberals win!!!
And they suck almost as bad as PETArds.
Sincerely,
jimmyb, the Conservative UAW Guy and all around cool person, who is really, really, incredibly humble.
Insert shameless blogwhoring here:
The Conservative UAW Guy
www.theconservativeuawguy.blogspot.com
Posted by: jimmyb | March 3, 2006 10:25 AM
Hey, can I vote on this??? Please? I mean, it's not like you pay me or anything- so I should at least be able to nod one way or another in favor of at least one person.
Oh please Sam, please please please can we YOU hire him up there???
(he has guns, we could use him in a plot to overtake someone)
Posted by: L. | March 3, 2006 11:00 AM
I was on board until you got to the anti-peta part. I enjoy my pocket bread too much to give it up.
I'm sure you'd like it if you give it a try. You'll find out you can fill it up with all sorts of yummy goodness and roasted portions of animal flesh.
Mmmm, roasted animal flesh.
/homer drool
Posted by: Chris | March 3, 2006 11:12 AM
I've got a post that I'm trying to get out there that will make PETA foam at the mouth, or more so than usual.
Posted by: Dr. Phat Tony | March 3, 2006 12:04 PM
Lol, sure L., you're vote is in.
Posted by: Sam | March 3, 2006 03:30 PM
Put a vote in for me, too!! :)
Posted by: jimmyb | March 3, 2006 03:46 PM
jimmyb is a better choice than me even though I own an actual copy of Strange Brew on VHS. LOL
I'm too succinct, I shouldn't even have a blog of my own. I just do it to aggravate the hippies.
Posted by: Mark B. | March 3, 2006 08:57 PM
Ha. You're just a few hours too late. I've just posted my animal 'rights' piece here.
The voices in my head were laughing as I did it, and it is spelt proper too.
Posted by: David Hadley | March 4, 2006 03:33 AM
Sorry Sam, but I am pro PETA. Uh, that is "People Eating Tasty Animals" right?
Posted by: Tramp | March 4, 2006 01:25 PM
... I'd volunteer, but I don't do grammar.... never was taught, unfortunately...
Posted by: Eric | March 5, 2006 11:11 AM