The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns: Increasing Blog Traffic Seminar

Article written by The Platypus Society

Blogging can be a rewarding process. Think about it: something happens somewhere in the world that you have an opinion on, so you log into your blogging platform and churn out 2000 words on the subject, and it's GOLD! Pure, blogging gold! Your position is flawless, your comparisons are witty and poignant, and the depth of your understanding is immeasurable.

Of course everything you've written in the past is brilliant, but this is absolute genius!

This is it, your one way ticket to Higher Being Status! You post it to your site, ping Technorati and all the other blog search sites, and wait.

Throughout the hour you continuously check to see if anyone has posted a comment on your brilliant post. Nothing yet. You swing over to Technorati, checking to see if any new links to your blog has sprung up. Nothing as well.

Hmmm.

You login to your hitcounter: only three visits in the past hour, all of them you.

Irritated that no one has seen your genius, you get the bright idea to email your post to Michelle Malkin and Glenn Reynolds (or Kos and Huffington, depending on your political persuasion), hoping one of them will read it and link to your post. You give them an hour or so (they are busy people), then check Technorati, their site, your site, then your hitcounter. Nothing.

Frustration sets in.

What the h*ll does a blogger have to do to get some traffic?!?

Have no fear! The Platypus Society is here with the following seminar to help you, the fledgling blogger, increase the visibility of your blog.

Upon completion of this seminar, you will know all of the tricks necessary to bring in the readers and the high dollar advertising revenue they generate.

Module 1: The Hoax

Consider the scenario outlined above: something big happens in the world, you have an opinion on it, so you post about it. Do you see the problem with this reaction? If you don't, let me spell it out for you:

no one gives a d*mn what you think because no one knows who the hell you are!

If pop culture has taught me one thing in my life, it's that only the opinions of famous people matter. Why else do we let high school dropouts continue to lecture us on foreign affairs?

The fact of the matter is, if a news story breaks about the Guatemalan black market coffee trade, and you just so happen to have a Master's Degree in Guatemalan Coffee Export economics, people will still heed Lindsay Lohan's opinion over yours.

So, if this is the case, why not post as Lindsay Lohan?

It's that simple: change your blogger account to lindsaysopinions.blogspot.com, put one of Ms. Lohan's pictures in your profile, and have at it.

Granted, to keep up the charade not all of your posts can be deep political or socio-economical pontifications, so weave in a few posts about The OC and Diddy. You'll eventually learn how to drop in a few "like, ya'knows" and "whatevers" into your writing to keep the proper balance of bubbly pop star airheadedness.

The only person who will know you aren't actually Lindsay Lohan is Lindsay herself, and she's too busy bringing up her last meal or wrecking her car to pay attention.

Not everyone will fall for your hoax, but if you are convincing enough with your portrayal it should keep you in a steady supply of fanboys to elevate your traffic and potential revenue.

Not into politics or feel a bit unethical posing as a celeb?

There are other hoax options available.

Perhaps you could do something along the lines of Save Toby or even Click Monkeys, but in blog form? Hoax options really are limited only by the depth of your imagination and the weight of your conscience. So be creative, be phony, and watch your readership explode!

The Platypus Society wishes you much blogging success and we hope this module is helpful in elevating your blog's visibility. Be sure to tune into the next installment of the Increasing Blog Traffic Workshop when we discuss fetishes:

dirty secrets or untapped blogging niche?

See you soon!

(On a side note, lindsaysopinions.blogspot.com is for sale. Drop me an email if interested.)

This article contributed by The Platypus Society

Comments

Somewhere, someone is paying for seminars with less useful content than this one. I want to *find* that person and have them pay *me* instead.

That's my "take-away" here.

Posted by: Radioactive Jam | March 13, 2006 09:28 AM

I just got an idea, I'm going to hold seminars online, about how people can increase their blog traffic. Them I'm going to invite everyone to read my seminar, and thus increase my traffic. My idea is to get other people to host their own seminars and invite others. It can't fail. What's that you say? No I didn't take this idea form a pyramid scheme, I don't even know what that means. :-D

Posted by: Saskboy | March 13, 2006 08:34 PM