The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns: Moron Revealed #26

Support This Site

Moron of the Week - 26 - Charlie Sheen
Congratulations goes to Jim for guessing correctly that this week's moron is Charlie Sheen, which means that Rooster Cashews has been dethroned.

Yay, Jim.

This moron was especially difficult for me to write about. Not because it was hard to find stuff on him - on the contrary, there was a load of material - no, it's because he's such a pretty moron.

Pretty, but messed up.

Of course, we've known Sheen over the years for being a regular 'has his fair share of problems' moron, but lately he's turned into some sort of 'anal probed by aliens' moron.

Yes, what I'm talking about is his conspiracy theory on 9/11. Chaz was recently seen on the Alex Jone's radio show spouting off a theory of how the twin tower terror attacks were a result of an inside job.

"It seems to me like 19 amateurs with box cutters taking over four commercial airliners and hitting 75% of their targets, that feels like a conspiracy theory. It raises a lot of questions."

What? Like the question, 'did I forget to take my paranoia medication today?' He continues,

"I was up early and we were gonna do a pre-shoot on Spin City, the show I used to do, I was watching the news and the north tower was burning. I saw the south tower hit live, that famous wide shot where it disappears behind the building and then we see the tremendous fireball."

"There was a feeling, it just didn't look any commercial jetliner I've flown on any time in my life and then when the buildings came down later on that day I said to my brother 'call me insane, but did it sorta look like those buildings came down in a controlled demolition?"

Ya, you're right, terrifying things do tend to appear surreal, don't they?

Perhaps you should drop the conspiracy jazz and look into some scientific research and psychological evalutation of your nimble brain, 'cause you're such a wit.

Just shut up and look pretty Chaz.

I don't know, perhaps he's just buying into the nutty theory because his dad's going to run in some political realm, and his just being supportive of his dad's party.

I mean, sure, it sounds just so realistic for the US government to rig up some towers (without anyone noticing, mind you) and get some suicide bombers (the jihad terrorist enemies themselves, mind you) to plow into the buildings rather than believing some nutjobs have finally come through on their long-running threats against the country.

Chaz adds to the screwball commentary that "it feels like from the people I talk to in and around my circles, it seems like the worm is turning."

Ya, because your circle seems to be a bunch of doped up Hollyweird scientology freaks who believe anything unrealistic simply because fame has f*cked with their heads.

Oh ya, Chuck, and that worm that's turning... is that the tequila worm in your tummy after doing shots and blow with your crack whores?

Just wondering, is all.

Sheen adds to his crackpot theory by discussing the president's actions upon hearing the news of the attacks. Chucky states,

"it seems to me that upon the revelation of that news that the secret service would grab the president as if he was on fire and remove him from that room."

Hey 'tard, they need to assess the situation before just jumping the gun, you know.

They do plan for emergency scenarios, eh, and they followed procedure as was expected. To be a frantic freak would definately be unpresident-like.

He goes on to question the complete destruction of the plane set to attack the pentagon,

"show us this incredible maneuvering, just show it to us. Just show us how this particular plane pulled off these maneuvers. 270 degree turn at 500 miles and hour descending 7,000 feet in two and a half minutes, skimming across treetops the last 500 meters."

No, you're right, it wasn't that, it wasn't a terror plane.

It was actually your mothership looking for you to call you on board for your daily probe. It must have missed its landing space.

Moron.

I'm kinda starting to understand the whole 'Denise Richards leaving you' thing. Your priorities are skewed, moron. Perhaps you should be focusing on fixing your family rather than ranting about irrelevant nonsense.

But, hey, Chaswick's doing a different kind of line these days as he has created a kiddy clothes collection, so all's well that ends well, I guess.

It seems family man Charlie has created a clothing line for girls, which was inspired by his daughters Sam (*shudder*) and Lola.

So, ladies and gentlemen, watch for his new Pimp Daddy and Polly Prostitute lines, all items come with anal probe butt flaps for easy access by the mothership.

And, surprise surprise, Chaswick's been purported to have a pill and gambling problem, as well as claims resurfacing about his sluttiness with the prostitutes. I guess he's just trying to live the American dream: sex, drugs, and rock n' roll.

Just, please, Chaz, don't start a singing career.

And, his drug/prostitution problem reared its ugly head into his marriage and has eventually ended up in a bitter separation with wife, Denise Richards. Richards is also thought to have been so concerned about Sheen's promiscuity that she went for an AIDS test. Apparently, she found out about him sleeping with hookers during their short-lived reconciliation.

But, what really gets me is that even though the two were having obvious marital problems a year ago, verging on divorce, they go and get pregnant with a second child anyways.

Duh!

Seriously, enough with the little podpeople.

The Sheen gene needs to stop.

But, all in all, there is Chaswick's acting to look forward to.

HA!

It seems that he will be playing the parody role of Tom Cruise in the new Scary Movie 4. Sheen's character is apparently supposed to do some sort of wacky couch jumping.

Ya, there's a stretch.

What... were those two separated at birth, or something?

And, has anyone else noticed that his tv show characters always have the same name as his. They're all named Charlie - from both Spin City and Two and a Half Men.

My guess is that the shows had to make them the same name so as to not confuse the poor moron.

Like I said, pretty, but not all there.

Comments

Gosh, I thought he only acted as a moron in Scary Movie and Hot Shots. Now I know he 's a natural talent...

Posted by: Daisy Miller | March 31, 2006 01:31 AM

ARGH! I blew my chance to win!!! Boo hoo.

You know, I love that show "Two and a Half Men" but watching it is impossible now because I keep hearing his conspiracy theory every time he speaks.

If I was a Hollyweird mogul I would write into every contract that "if you want to work for me you will not speak about politics, religion or any personal beliefs in public" because no matter what side you take you potentially alienate half of your fans. Not good business if you ask me.

Posted by: Mark B. | March 31, 2006 04:22 AM

Samantha and Charlie, sittin' in a tree...K-I-S-S-I-N-G...

Posted by: Dave D | March 31, 2006 05:04 AM

That's it, Dave D.'s banned for life!

;-D

Posted by: Sam | March 31, 2006 06:06 AM

Ahh, good. I get to post the first debunk link: http://www.popularmechanics.com/science/defense/1227842.html?page=1&c=y

Posted by: mdmhvonpa | March 31, 2006 06:52 AM

Charlie Sheen huh! Is he living up to his Hot Shots image.

Posted by: TerritorialMale | March 31, 2006 09:52 AM

Dare I say he should be Sheen and not heard? (Ducks to avoid flying rotten veggies)

Posted by: John | March 31, 2006 12:35 PM

nice to see that all of you are christian like
so pure, like the driven snow i'm sure

instead of personal attacks on the man
(which has nothing to gain by voicing his opinion)
why don't you back up the official story's conspiracy, you know the one were 19 saudi's hijacked airliners, flew them with no navigation system, none of them could even fly small single propeler planes, masterminded by some guy living in a cave! rebunk that, if you are without sin, SHOULD BE NO PROBLEM for moral outstanding people like yourselves

don't quote populamechanics please, Ben Chertoff, the chief editor of popular mechanic, is cousin with Michael Chertoff, the new Secretery of Homeland Security in the U.S. an agency which owes its very existence to the establishment version of the 9/11 attack.
no conflist of interest? of course not!
provide another source would'd you please "conspiracy theorist" no! you'd rather do personal attaks that hav nothing to do with 9/11, yeah i thought so, go back to watching canadian idol, idiots!

Posted by: jacobin | March 31, 2006 06:39 PM

Wow! Thanks for setting us all straight! It must be great to not only have all the answers, but be as smart and ethically ADVANCED as yourself!

Dickhead.

Posted by: Dave D | March 31, 2006 07:47 PM

hey davy d

is that the best you've got "dickhead"

common refute the conspiracy, don't just attack by replying dickhead

is it that you like many others just accept whatever there leaders tell them to be true, and yet don't know jack sh!t

Posted by: jacobin | March 31, 2006 08:30 PM

My experience with conspiracy nuts and 9/11 is that even if they concede some points, they will not give up on their conspiracy arch, that they have invested so much time and ego in.

Posted by: Mark | March 31, 2006 09:28 PM

Jakey-poo: your conspiracy theories are so ludicrous on their face that they don't warrant serious consideration. Just because a particular schizophrenic put several hours into his latest shit-painting, it doesn't mean that the shit-painting is worthy of hanging in an art museum. It's still a shit-painting.

You came in here acting like a dickhead, so you got called a dickhead. Don't pretend that you didn't ask for it. I'm willing to bet that if you polled the vast majority of people who've encountered you for any length of time, the term "dickhead" would come up a lot more often than anything else.

You're a dickhead, Jakey-poo. I don't mean it as a particular insult; it's just a statement of fact, like calling the grass green or the sky blue.

Posted by: Dave D | April 1, 2006 07:02 AM

well since morons like you davy d like to dish out personal attacks instead of debunking the conspiracy, lets start with scenerio

I'm going to start you out on the Western border of West Virginia, right alongside Kentucky at about 35,000 ft and traveling 500+ mph more or less due west.
Are you aware of what the Pentagon looks like from here?
Being as the horizon is 229 miles away (at 35,000 ft.), and Washington D.C. a bit further than that, you might as well be looking for the Eiffel tower.
How the planes hit their targets is a non-trivial question.
With all these "terrible pilots", it's a miracle they hit even one of their targets.
And check out this analysis - just look at the scale of D.C. compared to the Pentagon.
If you aren't a top notch navigator, and you're flying without aid from towers and radio beacons and the like, you're not going to get anywhere near your target.
If you were off by only one degree when DC showed up on the horizon and you maintained your course, you'd be off by 4 miles when you reached your target.. and then you'd criss-cross the sky trying to line up on it.
That's not what happened here.. they flew directly to DC, then famously dropped the last 7,000 feet turning 270 degrees to hit the side of the building where they'd do the least damage.
Perfectly. On the mark. now that's a conspiracy theory

other dick heads

Paul Craig Roberts a former Assistant Secretary of the Treasury in the Reagan Administration -->believes 9/11 was an inside job

Former Chief Economist under President Bush, Morgan Reynolds-->believes 9/11 was an inside job

U.S. Senator Mark Dayton-->believes 9/11 was an inside job

U.S. Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney-->believes 9/11 was an inside job

Renowned Theologian Prof. David Ray Griffin-->believes 9/11 was an inside job

Head of Advanced Space Programs, Dept. of Defense, Robert Bowman-->believes 9/11 was an inside job

UK Minister of Environment (1997 - 2003), Michael Meacher-->believes 9/11 was an inside job

Assistant Secretary of Housing For Pres. Bush, Catherine Austin Fitts-->believes 9/11 was an inside job

9/11 statement signed by 100 prominent Americans, 40 9/11 family members-->believes 9/11 was an inside job

so much for tin foil hats, and just a couple of days ago

Sandra Day O'Connor, a Republican-appointed judge who retired last month after 24 years on the supreme court, has said the US is in danger of edging towards dictatorship

Andreas Von Bulow, Former German Secretary Of Defense-->believes 9/11 was an inside job

The Eagles,Don Henley has a new solo album, titled "Inside Job" the song referres to a 9/11 government inside job

Ray McGovern, a 27-year analyst for the CIA-->believes 9/11 was an inside job

still don't believe factions inside a government is capable of such horror
google "operation northwoods" a declassified memo detailling just that, killing some of it's own citizens, hijacking it's own planes using patsis and blaming blaming castro, has a means to invade cuba, look it up!

Posted by: jacobin | April 2, 2006 11:54 AM

Of course in this entire rant there is not one even halfway lame attempt to challenge Sheen on the facts. I wonder why. Is it perhaps that he cannot be challenged on those facts?

If you think charlie is such a moron then it should be a simple matter to dispute the facst he cited.

It makes me wonder who the moron really is here. No, not really I don't wonder at all.

Posted by: alexp | April 19, 2006 10:27 AM