The Crazy Rants of Samantha BurnsMoron Revealed #24
Looks like The Dragonlady has maintained the throne for another week since no one guessed correctly that the jiggly breasted moron is none other than David Hasselhoff.
Of course.
Yes, and that mid-week hint was a reminder of David Hasselhoff's breasts jiggling up and down while he ran slow motion on the beach for Baywatch. What a pitiful display.
Heck, his boobs bounced more than Pamela Anderson's melons (moron #11).
Yes, I know I've written about Hasselhoff a few times before, but he cannot be ignored as being a worthy moron.
Recently, Hasselhoff's been in the news for having possibly participated in domestic violence against his wife, who he is presently going through a divorce with.
His soon-to-be ex-wife claims that he was violent to her, and she had even tried to get a restraining order against him as a result.
Well, I don't know about you, but I kinda hope she wins, then my headline could read something like "Beating Hassel Hoff". But, then again, nobody wants to think of Hasselhoff getting off.
Ew.
And, of course, we all know that Hasselhoff ended the Cold War single handedly.
Or, at least he claims so.
In an article calling David the hunk in trunks *shudder*, we find that Hasselhoff freaked out because there was no photo of him hanging on the walls at the Berlin Museum at Checkpoint Charlie.
It seems that in 1989, the Nut Rider stood on the partly demolished Berlin wall and sang his "hit" song of the time Looking for Freedom.
Okay, now I understand why they wanted the wall to come down so quickly.
Loo-ooking for Free-...YIKES! *crash* *tumble*
Goodbye flabby booby Hoff.
As for that photo at Checkpoint Charlie, I find it sad that anyone would have a photo of Hasselhoff, and yet, I'm sure there are some sickos out there with pin up posters of the guy.
You know, I think the museum didn't put up a photo of him because not only was he of no consequence to the wall coming down, but also because, really, nobody wants to look at that. It would devalue the impact of the wall's significance.
But, let's not forget that Hasselhoff is probably nuts enough to have a whole room in his house designated specifically for photos of himself to supply him with a little self-admiration.
I can just imagine him unlocking the door to his 'Hoff fetish room, then stroking his body and chest as he drools all over himself, shouting out 'I love you, baby', 'who's a pretty boy, you are', and 'David, you're so beautiful'.
Yes, I'm THAT repulsed by him.
And, it seems I'm not the only one.
Back in 2004, his CD had the highest rating on Amazon.com as a result of an Internet hoax.
Some of you may remember this or may have been part of this hoax as David's CD received an incredible number of 5 star ratings - and those ratings are still available for your reading enjoyment today. Of course, those false ratings were followed by sarcastic reviews with numerous misspellings of his name, and the notorious catchphrase ending, The song "Hot Shot City" is particularly good!
Knowing Hoff, it probably raised his ego about 10 points despite the fact that it was a fabrication.
Hasselhoff's ego is so big that he once stated,
"Before long, I'll have my own channel - I'll be like Barney".Ya, and he's about as hated by most people just like Barney, too.
If he deserves any channel, though, it should be channel 86, as in get rid of him!
But, Hasselhoff is not without his personal problems aside from the alleged abuse.
In 2003/04 he was known for having a possible drinking problem and attended the Betty Ford Rehab clinic.
He also had a no contest plea in 2004 for driving while intoxicated.
Ya, I think I'd drink a lot, too, if I had to go around looking like that, acting like that, singing like that, and heck, simply being that.
All I've got to say is David, get HOFF the stage! We're sick of seeing you.
Oh yes, and warning to all those considering a trip to Australia.
Bail out of Australia by mid-2006.
WARNING: the summer of 2006 is a bad time to vacation in Australian.
I can't stress this enough.
Reason being, Hasselhoff is planning on touring Australia with his band in mid-2006.
I say the Australians flush him down one of their reserve-flow toilets.
Anyhow, congratulations again goes to The Dragonlady for claiming the title once again.
More on the moron:
Many more hilarious reasons why David Hasselhoff may be the devil.
Many previous and hilarious links on Getting Hoff.
Here's that glorious video for I'm Hooked on a Feeling.
He likes Pepsi. I mean A LOT. Like, enough to hump it.
Here's some fun photoshopping and other stuff, including Holding Hoftage, Gandhoff, and Jackhoff.
Here are 27 things you didn't know about him.
Warning: porn at the end of this one if you give him his nipple back, but otherwise you can help Hasselhoff find his nipple (not-so-shockingly got it on the first try).
Take the Which Hasselhoff are you quiz. I was cult icon Hasselhoff.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why David Hasselhoff Should Be Your Only Idol
You can send a Hoff e-card to the one you hate, or love, whatever floats your boat.
Vote for David as celebrity of the year 2006 if you're sadistic.
Linked to Adam's Blog, Stuck On Stupid, Conservative Cat
Comments
I'm glad someone shares my totally over the top loathing of this man! He's grimmer than a grim thing.
Posted by: Cal | March 17, 2006 02:11 AM
Bahahahaha, that's right. I should have known better. You always get me on these things. LOLOL
Posted by: Alabama Improper | March 17, 2006 04:04 AM
OH and that damned codepink/potfry advertisement scares the pee out of me every time I come over here.
Posted by: Alabama Improper | March 17, 2006 04:06 AM
I tend to forget that Hasseldork even exists. Yeah, I watched Knight Rider when I was too young to know any better, but it was because of the car.
Holy cow! I just noticed the codepink/potfry ad. That is one freaky photo.
Posted by: DragonLady | March 17, 2006 06:08 AM
Urk ... I'm gonna be sick. Where is Kit, I'm going to puke in his glove compartment.
Posted by: mdmhvonpa | March 17, 2006 07:20 AM
http://www.pepsi.com.au/v3/hoff.htm
and
a video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gi2CfuqcUGE
What is the fascination with this alien anyway?
I think the above two links have been seen before, and all I can say is I'm so sorry continuing to push their evilness on the unsuspecting...
Posted by: Rooster Cashews | March 17, 2006 09:06 AM
Sorry, didn't see the hooked on a feeling vid link when I posted. But the song (and creepy bear image) is now in my head for the rest of the day if it's any consolation.
Posted by: Rooster Cashews | March 17, 2006 09:09 AM
First of all - I have to agree with Alabama Improper. That Code Pink ad is some scary stuff (as is Code Pink...but that's beside the point). There are faces we don't make in public, just in case someone has a camera. That woman is Exhibit 1.
Second: Anyone who hasn't seen that "OogaChaka" video ("Hooked on a Feeling" for the title-sensitive) should go see it, though I think the world record for "elapsed watching time before you hurl" is about 4.4 seconds. Let me know if you beat it.
Third: Sam, you're dead on. He is one scary dude, and anyone needing a reason to believe Hollywood is completely disconnected from reality need only pause a moment to consider: "David Hasselhoff had two hit TV shows." Scary.
Posted by: The Random Yak | March 17, 2006 09:35 AM
DWM seeks...
Posted by: plsbehot | March 17, 2006 12:10 PM
Rooster: After watching that vid I am now 'hooked on a toilet'. Watching it was like watching a train wreck you can't help but look. He also failed at Celebrity 'Fear Factor' which had Donny Osmond, Chyna from wrestling and a few others. David was kicked off after the first stunt, as I remember. He had to walk on the roof of a moving bus while retrieving the most flags. Coolio and Donny did the best for the men and so David did the walk of shame with his jiggly ass.
Posted by: susan | March 18, 2006 07:42 AM