The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

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Posted by Samantha at 08:03 PM | Permalink

Here's your daily puke over at cuteoverload.com.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It may be a game intended for Christmas, but you get to beat on little kids, which is fun just about anytime, right? Right?

Kidding, of course, but go ahead and enjoy Brat Invasion.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew! Yes, porns most ugliest actor has inserted his member (his mind for once) into America's most ugliest organisation. PETA and Ron Jeremy penetrate the advertisement scene to encourage speying and neutering pets.

Of all the things that should be neutered, it should have been Jeremy years ago because no woman wants to look at that (unless they are getting paid good bucks like his fellow porn "actors").

So, essentially I'm gathering that Ron Jeremy is against overpopulation of cats and dogs, and that he would like to see more people speying and neutering their animals. My interpretation of what he's saying is that sex for pleasure is okay for animals as long as they aren't breeding.

With that, I present you with a list of porn movies for pets:

Mittens Does Manhatten
Deep Throat II: That Fishy Smell Is Coming From Pussy
Great Danes Do It Doggystyle
Fido and Fluffy Get Funky
Boning Bitches
Pimping Pussy
Madame Foo Foo's Bordello
Peep Shows For Pooches
Whips, Chains, And Catnip
Rover and Rex's Romping Room

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Being naughty, huh? I've decided to be nice to my readers and I've found a non-scam site where you can view your "needs". Just follow the link link here. Now back to the article...

Yes, I said dog condoms. I'm astounded by this one, I must say.

It seems the wonderful invention, the dog condom, was recalled because apparently it didn't work.

No Sh*t!

The creator of the meat-scented dog condom believes it is the owners' fault that there were 102 unwanted dog pregnancies and 15 near-choking incidents. He apparently thought that dog owners would "place the condom on the dog before intercourse and supervise the act".

And, what's worse, the numpty is now working on a female dog condom that uses some type of harness mechanism.

Dude, you ever hear of spaying or neutering a pet? Sounds a lot more logical to me. And, as if animals require a romantic setting in the first place.

I don't know, but a meat-scented dog condom??? Wouldn't both the male and female be trying to bite the condom off the male, and wouldn't that create a very unromantic predicament?

Nutjob.

And, why would we want our canines to go through the same embarrassing situations as Aprosexic did at the pharmacy line? Having to figure out what size they are. As an owner of the pet, do you really want to be the one to figure out what size your Great Dane's penis is? I don't even want to go there.

Or, do we want our pets to fear a possible sense of inadequacy when we tell the store clerk that we require a small doggy condom for our pooch?

I can't believe this thing even got on the market in the first place. It's ridiculous.

Here are some brand name condom choices for you.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

In Syria, they have a doll named Fulla similar to the Barbie, but this one wears a black abaya and matching head scarf. It seems that young girls there are obsessed with Fulla, who has her own prayer rug, and parents are hoping this doll will instill valuable morals and career goals in their children. It is expected that the Fulla doll will soon come in the form of a Doctor and Teacher, which are two respected careers for women.

Fulla sells for about $16 US, which seems pretty steep for a country who's average household income is around $100 per month. For girls, and many parents, "it has to be Fulla".

Sounds a lot like North American children, "I want, I want, I want" must be a global phrase.

I wonder if they'll ever consider coming out with a G.I. Jihad to date and do it with Fulla. I also wonder if the boys there do what the boys here did to Barbie and rip off Fulla's head and melt her body.

For me, it's good to know that a somewhat similar version of Barbie exists. It's depressing to see girls miss out on all the learning they could be doing with their Barbies because they are too busy escaping into the mind numbing, pathetic video game drone.

Ya, sure, you're going to claim that games teach kids this and that, but how much can they actually learn when they are just running/jumping, running/jumping, running/jumping repeatedly. It's so boring to watch kids play that s**t because there's nothing important about the games.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I don't know my French all that well, but this game doesn't require it after you hit the "jeu" "jouer" buttons. Basically, killl the robots, use the up/down/side-to-side buttons and space bar to leave bombs.

It's Pyromaniaks.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:07 PM | Permalink

Now you can stop time in its tracks with this moderately entertaining mind trick.

So, what do you believe? Can you really stop time, or is it just an optical illusion? Read the info at the site for more details.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Time Keeps On Slipping… [by Territorial Bloggings]

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink

Create your own South Park character at Planearium

(Sam as a south park character)

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Now this is a big stink I could back up.

It seems a couple near Cincinnati are protesting the government's decision that disallowed them to put up a 6 ft tall fence around their backyard because of what seems to be wishy-washy laws.

Their retaliation to the decision led them to put up a large display of toilets, toilet brushes, and several appalling ornaments around their backyard.

Here is their website with plenty of description and photos of the home.

Ugh, look at that backyard, eh. That's just awful. Please, give them their d*mn fence already.

So, with all the toilets at their protest, I wonder if there will be lots of squatters, too.

You know, I would like to make a contribution to the cause. I'm sure my protest "movement" could get the government to change their minds.

Just let me eat some beans first.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I get a lot of hits for this article, but I don't think it's exactly what they're looking for when they come to this blog. So, I thought I'd bring it to the front and really tick some people off, lol.

Okay, you people want some Canadian news?

Lol, here goes.

It seems a Canadian millionaire bachelor decided to leave all his money upon his death to his cat named Red.

David Harper, reclusive owner of $1.3 million, worked much of his life as a gardener in public service.

What will happen with kitty and the money?

"The United Church of Canada will administer the funds, in accordance with Harper's will, and be responsible for the three-year-old cat's care, feeding and veterinarian bills for the rest of its life, the newspaper reported."

Okay, if that's what a gardener makes, I'm switching jobs.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Vacation Stuff [by 123beta]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Looks like the world has a new invention.

It's called the Extender Plus, and it's a penis stretcher.

Come on. Be the first in your neighbourhood to try one!

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

iPods are all the buzz... and I mean literally.

Now you can turn your iPod into a vibrator with the iBuzz.

So, when you see a chick dancing down the street with some buds in her ear, it may not be just the music causing the stir in her knickers.

I'll bet Diane's Stuff could come up with some great songs to go with this story. They already have the Beach Boys "Good Vibrations" listed, but I'm sure she could add to this list as she's the master of song selections.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:03 PM | Permalink

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Posted by Samantha at 10:05 AM | Permalink

1) Is that a suicide belt in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

2) Those 72 virgins I'm about to receive next week have nothing on you babe.

3) If I weren't planning on blowing myself up next week, I'd ask you to marry.

4) If you don’t leave with me tonight, I’ll go to pieces.

5) Won’t you grant a dying man's last wish for a night with you?

6) I’m planning to blast away next week, but how about you and I blast away this week, too?

7) You'll do... until I get my 72 virgins.

8) I’d blow myself up for you if I didn't already have commitments.

9) What's common between my goat, a suicide bombing, and you? I did my goat last week. I’m going to do a suicide bombing next week. And, I’d like to do you this week.

10) Since I'm dumb enough to blow myself up, perhaps you're dumb enough to sleep with me?

Bonus: You're the bomb, baby. Come here and explode me.

Just a reminder: Today is International Mock-a-Jihadist day! Have you mocked, ridiculed or made fun of a Jihadist today?

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
The last week update (part I) [by The Anti-Jihad Pundit]

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Posted by MrBig at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Here are two articles I've combined into one since I seem to get a few hits for these.

Virtual Girlfriend
No way! This is new to me...

v-girl.com offers the public a mobile girlfriend to download and date. This artificial lady can be your constant companion who shares her secrets, provides conversation, and comes with realistic 3D animation.

V-girl also comes with the bonus of screwing you out of real money when you send her a gift, contains life-like emotions ('cause what everyone wants is some fake whiny nag that you can't even get busy with), and she increases your phone bill as you get more and more obsessed with playing the game.

Just wait, the next thing we'll see is a bunch of weirdos marrying their virtual partners. As if people marrying their dog or cat isn't disturbing enough.

Virtual Boyfriend

Do you have a boyfriend? If not, would you like one? And if you already have one, would you like a better one?

Boyfriends are going for 99 cents for a deluxe model or free if you're a cheap son-of-a....

You can create as many as you want for your friends, which means, that in the virtual world, you can become polyandrous and have open affairs.

How does Build-a-Boyfriend work?

First you choose a free boyfriend or the deluxe model, which costs you under a buck, but can be entered into a Boyfriend Contest. But, you must remember, once you've created your boyfriend, you cannot alter him in any way.

Sounds too much like real life, in my opinion. You can never change them to the way you like them, lol. Of course, the same could be said of us women; and yes, there is a virtual girlfriend out there for the guys. Just check to the right under Classic Sam, or go to build-a-boyfriend and switch it to build-a-girlfriend (although, I couldn't get it to work).

If you are lazy in love, then you can always get yourself a pre-built boyfriend who's been "broken up with" and he can be purchased for a fraction of the original price. I suppose this means you get to pay for someone else's leftovers, and that your new mate will come to you carrying some extra baggage.

Yup, that sounds realistic too.

I guess the best part of it is that you can break up with your boyfriend. So, even when it's a fake relationship, you can be an evil, manipulative bitch and dump his sorry a$$.

Welcome to the wonderful world of dating, lol.

I decide to get myself a boyfriend, here he is...

Jimbo
Age: 29 Girlfriend: Sam

Description
I like long walks on the beach, snorkling, and pooty-tang. Will you be mine, you sexy momma, you?

What a gorgeous catch, eh?

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This has been claimed to be the longest webpage on the internet www.rstolley.com.

I'm not sure if that's truly the case, but it is just a tad long.

Just a tad.

I mean, I just opened the page a month ago and it's still loading, lol.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

http://www.2on.com/
I'm a cow.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 PM | Permalink

Click on the sign to get a larger image of the ACLU's information board.

I was tagged a while ago to post a sign for the outside of the ACLU's offices, by A North American Patriot, who was tagged by Holly Aho - who was in turn, tagged by REAL Teen- Right on the Right who was tagged by Cao’s Blog who was tagged by Third World County who was tagged by Euphoric Reality.

I tag those who support or contribute to Stop the ACLU blog. Or, those who have a link to Stop the ACLU. Or, those who've seen a link to Stop the ACLU. Or, heck, why don't I just tag Stop the ACLU themselves.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Cicciolina, aka Anna Ilona Staller, is apparently Italy's most famous pornstar, although I really don't know why.

She is remembered by the rest of us as the wacko chick who offered herself to Saddam Hussein twice in return for a peaceful conclusion to both the Gulf War and the Iraq War.

Now, the 55 year old is offering her body to Osama Bin Laden as a way to end the fighting and terror.

"I am ready to make a deal, he can have me in exchange for an end to his tyranny. My breasts have only ever helped people while Bin Laden has killed thousands of innocent victims."

Trust us, one look at'cha will send Bin Laden hiding in a hole like Saddam did.

Time to retire lady.

Ick.

Seriously, you may all be going "me-ow" right now, but geez, chickidoodle, dye your brows or get a wax job, or something, anything, if you're going to fake blonde like that.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Porn Mama Wants Osama [by Interested-Participant]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

1. Granny on board. (or, to not sexually discriminate, grandpa on board)

2. If you can read this, you're tailgating me because you're pissed off at my lousy driving.

3. How's My Driving? Dial 1-800- I Already know it sucks a$$.

4. Pedestrians make great speed bumps.

5. Caution: I may or may not be blonde, but I drive like one.

6. I'm Sorry. (ya, we wish they'd apologise for their terrible driving)

7. I'm not cutting you off, I'm just getting your attention.

8. Road Rage, Fear, Aggravation - My work here is done.

9. Lost your kid? Try looking under my tires.

10. Don't Honk: Driver yappin' on cell phone.

11. No I'm not a tourist, I'm just a really bad driver.

12. I stopped to think... and never got started again.

13. Warning: driver armed with lipstick and may use it.

14. Seeing over the steering wheel is for suckers.

15. Honk all you want, I'm deaf. Highbeam all you want, I'm blind, too.

16. Pardon my driving, I'm commutally challenged.

17. Why are you the only person on earth who knows how to drive?

18. This one's been done, but thought it was worthy here...

I brake for no apparent reason.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

Hat Tip: Not Exactly Rocket Science for this revealing quiz.

Your Lucky Underwear Is Red

You're confident and bold, and your lucky red underwear will only make you more sure of yourself. You have a great zest for life, and you tend to take on impossible goals - and succeed. When it comes to love, it's hard for you to take the time to open up. You're too busy conquering the world. So if you're looking for a little more romance, put on your red underpants. And see where their passion takes you!

Who needs luck when you've got red undies.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
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Not Too Far Off Actually [by The World According to Nick]

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Posted by Samantha at 05:02 PM | Permalink

These are some of the coolest, weirdest Lego creations I've seen.

I think the Lego Volvo is the best, but the Pinball one's probably the trickiest to put together.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Yes, the man who used himself as target practise while teaching a class about gun safety is back in the news.

Lee Paige was the laughing stock of the internet a while back (written about with video link here), and he is now upset about it. He's trying to sue the DEA who he says leaked the video.

The lawsuit complaint says that he "is the target of jokes, derision, ridicule, and disparaging comments."

Well, I should hope so. He made an a$$ of himself.

Dude, you were not being very safe for performing a safety lesson. You know, boo hoo if people are laughing because you acted the fool.

How about getting a backbone and laugh along with them for your stupidity?

If nothing else, this is a worldwide lesson that you taught us about not being idiots around weapons.

You've served your purpose.

You go now.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink

The future looks bright for the horny and perverted.

It seems sex toy researchers have looked to computer-human interactions in the not-so-distant future.

"There is a possibility of developing erotic materials for yourself that would allow you to create a partner of certain dimensions and qualities, the partner saying certain things in that interaction, certain things happening in that interaction."

This field of research is appropriately called teledildonics, and it already enables people to manipulate electronic devices via computer technology.

Talk about bringing a new element to long distance relationships, or creating a new approach of having sexual relationships with complete strangers. Ya, I can see chat rooms getting a lot more nasty.

But hey, at least STD's won't be an issue.

And, when people say, "I'm going to go play on the computer", they're really going to mean it.

You know, I just knew it. I mentioned a while ago to my techie that he should invent something for touch with computers, seeing as they have honed in on others of the 5 senses, such as smell. Tough luck, MR.BIG, you missed out on this unique find.

But, until things like these actually make it to the market, for sex without human contact, people will just have to settle for sex toys and sex with dolls.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)