The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

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Posted by Samantha at 08:00 PM | Permalink

Whatever you do, don't click this site: www.FlashCV.com.

And, don't say I didn't warn you!

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

You can go here to do some online scribbling with others.

Some can be jerks and ruin it for everyone, but some are really cool and talented.

Doodle away.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

for some reason.

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Posted by Samantha at 11:52 AM | Permalink

It wasn't such a barrel of laughs for a bunch of Hungarian builders drinking hooch.

The Hungarians decided to polish off a barrel of rum while renovating a home, and to their surprise, a naked body was found inside the barrel after they'd finished it.

The workers stated that the rum had a "special taste" to it, and some even bottled some of the liquor to take home with them.

Special taste all right.

Ew.

It later became known that the naked male body was shipped from Jamaica by the man's wife 20 years earlier as a way of avoiding costs and paperwork.

What people will do to save a buck, eh, lol.

Gak! That barrel should have had a warning label on it... aged to perfection by corpse. Taste the *cadavery goodness*.

Perhaps this is will become a new fad. You know, like eating the Tequila worm.

Again, ew.

But, one thing's for sure...

those were very unique rum balls.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Well, it looks like Blogonomicon has been defeated by Jim who beat everyone to the punch on guessing Jessica "The Simpleton" Simpson.

Congrats to Jim.

Jessica is obviously best known for her dumb blonde routine/reality.

This is not only portrayed in her everday life of FUBARs, but it is also displayed in her acting roles. For this reason alone, I find it very fitting that she is up for the role of Pamela Anderson's character, C.J. Parker, in an upcoming Baywatch movie.

And, ya, Simpson has the brains for this talentless role, but does she have the jiggle?

I'm guessing it will be implants for Jess if she wants to maintain the bosomy look that Anderson went with.

And, as for other ingenious, spectacular, and awe-inspiring Jessica Simpson acting roles...

Uh... uh...

Okay...

In other news, Simpson is noted as a spokesperson for an organisation called Operation Smile.

I hope by spokesperson, they mean that all she has to do is stand there and smile.

Her position in the organisation is to seek aid for disfigured children.

I wonder, is this a result of her own person battles with deformity? (not to poke fun of those with real problems, just at Jess).

Of course, Jessica doesn't just have the physical to contend with. She's also been reported to have mental therapy as a result of her dead-before-it-began marriage.

Simpson responds,

"I respect knowledge of the psyche. I would be a therapist if I weren't an entertainer."

What I really want to know is how does a therapist analyse an empty head, anyway?

The poor doc.

And, Simpson shows more featherbrained behaviours as she gets herself sued by a cothing company. It seems she breached a $100 million contract in which she promised to call Princy jeans her favourite brand. Instead she called another brand her favourite and she refused to be photographed wearing the jeans.

Dumb, dumb, dumb....

Wouldn't it be nice to have enough money (regardless of how stupid you were) that you could easily breach a contract of that magnitude? Na, I'm sure it's not that she's careless about the money; it's because she's too much of a dimbulb to know any better.

But, we can be a little relieved for the moment as Jessica doesn't seem to be interested in having any kids of her own. Instead, she's considered adopting like her idol, Angelina Jolie.

Ya, do what your idol does. Brilliant.

Try having your own life for once, wannabe Jessica.

She started out as a wannabe Britney Spears as she sings kiddy tunes and vows virginity, and now she's a wannabe Jolie.

When is she gonna wannabe shuttin' up?

Simpson has also been digging her own grave lately as she snubbed the US president. It seems she decided not to attend a presidential fundraiser dinner even though she and her family claim to love Bush.

Man, why is it that Bush supporters have to suffer with this chickipoo as their cheerleader? Please, Simpson, do Republicans a favour and go Liberal.

She also acts the tool as she makes crank calls to a fellow celebrity, Kristin Cavallari, because she was dating Nick Lachey.

Geesh, Jess, act your age and not your shoe size. Pretend for a moment, if you will, that you have an average IQ.

Is that too much to ask?

Uh, ya, I'm sure it is.

What really makes me laugh is that her mom claims Jess has an IQ of 160, which is in the genius category.

Okay, don't hurt yourself laughing on that one.

And, speaking of parents, because Jess lacks the cranial capacity to do anything for herself, her father Joe Simpson seems to take over in all aspects of her life, including a spat with Lindsay Lohan.

Ya, the Simpson's manager daddy reared his ugly head when Lindsay Lohan wouldn't invite Jessica to a party.

Wow, that is so, like, not cool.

What - ever!

What age are these people anyways? 12? How juvinile of the whole lot of them.

So, to conclude this, I've chosen to leave you with the words of wisdom of Nick Lachey, Jess's former hubby.

"Let's see what could I say.......Do you really want me to tell you...... Not too many nice things to say about her... How about she was the best stocking I ever stuffed? She was the best chimney I've ever come down on."

Congrats again to Jim.

More on the moron:
Are you as dumb as Jess?
Could you be a Simpson?
Deformed Jess
Proactiv Jess
Deformed Jess 2
gallery of the absurd
asian Jess
Daisy Duke dances 4 you
Sculpture of Jessica Simpson Passing Gas To Rival Britney Spears Sculpture Giving Birth
Jess fails adoption questionaire
Jessica's boobie bounce
Drunk Ditz
Jessica's attitude

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Posted by Samantha at 12:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

This post submitted by Lostinlimaohio, and somehow magically approved by the no longer vacationing Sam.

For those of you who are not aware, my regular blogging isn't really all that funny. In fact, it's sort of depressing at best, and it's all serious and crime filled. Which is why I enjoy working for Sam so much, despite the low pay and bad health care.

I'm always looking for a new story to write up for my place, and one of my favorite spots to look is The Smoking Gun. Usually they have the court documents and mug shots of enough criminals that they have become a "regular source" for a lot of crime bloggers.

So, I'm over there today and I happen upon a real gem.

A goldmine.

Except, it's more slated towards the humor blogger than the crime blogger... and I just knew it'd fit in well with Sam's place.

Amber Mumma and Marcelo Gonzalez are in love... and not that sweet cuddling on the couch type of love. Nope these two horndogs are in the "doing it in the parking lot outside of the car in plain view of everyone" kind of love.

According to the police report, the intoxicated arrestees were spotted pressed up against a car in the parking lot of Peabody's Billiards as several onlookers (including one guy snapping away with a camera phone) watched their outdoor performance.

This story gets better... or worse depending on how you look at it. Sadly, I'm not sure what the rules are here at Sam's place regarding this type of stuff... so I can't give you all the, um, backdoor information on the case. I can, however, give you the link that takes you to the full police report.

Just don't be drinking anything while you read it.

This post submitted by Lostinlimaohio.

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Posted by lostinlimaohio at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Here's a version of Who wants to be a millionaire?

Go ahead, waste a few hours playing one of the most popular game shows created. I only played a couple rounds, and my highest was $16,000. My very first question was a The Simpsons one, so go figure, lol. Another question was who plays Jack Bauer on 24? Duh.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Oh ya, you gotta love a crazy list like this one.

Here are some people who are believed to have died in the bathroom.

That's the sh*ts.

The only one I know of off hand is Elvis, so let's see who else bit the big one on the john.

Well, Claude François's death doesn't seem too bright, now does it (pun intended).

After reading it, all I've got to say is if you have a heart condition, don't try too hard to take your dump. Let it come naturally. Weird, eh, it seems a lot of people died of heart problems while on the can.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I just found this news bit, and it's pretty messed up.

It seems a 10 year old boy performed some grotesque behaviours outside a preschool in New Zealand.

The boy apparently hung out at the preschool with a bunch of friends and decided to take it upon himself to piss on the outside eating table, smear poop over the doors of the building, write crude messages on the windows with lipstick, and litter condoms around the playground.

First off, what's a 10 year old doing with condoms?

Geesh.

But, I'm guessing the apple doesn't fall far from the tree because it mentions that his parents are known to the police.

And, what's worse is that they say not much can be done to punish the kid due to his age.

Uh... try making something up, eh.

Like, perhaps, give this little runt a swift kick in the arse.

And, the boy told the youth officer in charge that his reason for the behaviour was that he needed to go to the toilet.

The youth officer also stated that due to the boy's age, he did not understand the implications of his actions.

Oh, ya sure.

A frickin' 10 year old doesn't know to use a toilet rather than a preschool to do his dirty work.

Whatever.

Talk about lazy policing.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Ya, now Pamela Anderson's being a nut about another form of animal usage, and this time it has to do with a close relative of hers.

Anderson's going ape about the use of primates in commercials and other advertising forms.

Aw, boo hoo.

I mean, oo oo oo ee ee ee.

The PETA freak stated in the Wall Street Journal that

"King Kong is my hero. He's big, muscular, sensitive, a terrific actor -- and he's not real. The use of computer-generated imagery has really taken off in Hollywood. So why has Madison Avenue suddenly gone bananas for real apes?"

Duh.

I do like, however, the article writer's description of Anderson as a "cartoonishly augmented lover of all creatures great and small".

Lol, cartoonishly augmented.

However, I'd say she probably loves all creatures great and small, excluding humans. She is a PETA nut afterall, and we all know how they don't come across as very supportive of the humans.

Bah!

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Posted by Samantha at 02:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

And, I pity the fool who watches this show.

Yup, Mr.T. is getting ready for tv land again as he intends to host an advice show.

Ugh.

Well, I've got some advice for T... gold chains are soooo 80's.

I wonder how insane this show will be, though. I mean, the guy doesn't come across all that "with it" whenever he talks on talk shows.

Just a little squirrelly.

I'd be intrigued, however, just to watch an episode to see what insanity will develop. He even states,

"My show ain't no 'Dr. Phil,' with people sitting around crying."

On a side note, oh mama, here's MR. T.'s rap song. Let's hope he doesn't do any of this on his show, or it will be instant cancelled. And, what's with those shorts? *shudder*

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Posted by Samantha at 01:33 AM | Permalink

All I have to say is...

It's canned tuna, you idiot!

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

It's not as cool as the South Park character maker, but it's not terrible creating your own The Simpsons character.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Doh! Nuts! [by The World According to Nick]

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It's kinda like a booger - it can be slimy and full of dirt and germs - but with a computer.

Here are some odd jobs I would never want.

Most disgusting to me are brain picker, odor judger, and ant catcher.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

If you haven't already checked it out, Diane's Stuff has a cool weekly game going on called Dead Guy on the Sidebar.

The goal is to correctly guess who Diane selected as the dead guy (or gal) for the week.

She has the rules there for you, and several people have already started playing. It looks like a lot of fun, and I've already posed a question.

Mine was did the guy die before his time (which to me is pretty much before age 50).

Here are the answers to the questions so far:

This dead guy was an entertainment celebrity.
He was an actor.
He did not die in 2005.
He never won an Oscar.
He was an American.
He was not an elected official.
His dentist’s name was not Harold Bergenheim.
He was also an actor on television.

I'm sure there are more answers by now, so go ahead and check it out.

You are allowed one question and one guess per day.

Fun, fun.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Well, I can't start my return off without a weird toilet story, so here goes.

What I want to know is if there's a toilet seat glue bandit going around or something because this is at least the third time I've heard a story like this.

A man got his butt glued to a toilet seat in a Walmart bathroom.

"The man had gone into the bathroom and sat down," she said. "He was banging on the wall when the employee came in."

And, I've read about the same sort of thing at a Denny's restaurant in the same town as the Walmart incident.

Hey, at least the guy in the Denny's was in the right place at the right time. I mean, you know how that food goes right through ya, lol.

Perhaps there's a new product out there called Bum Bond, Gluteus Glue, or perhaps Posterior Paste that's intriguing punks to pull a stupid stunt like that.

Anyhow, if they caught the criminal "mastermind" behind the behind bondage, what would they charge him with? Serial Butt Assault with the intent to adhere?

What frickin' thrill is it, anyhow, for this nutjob (assuming it's the same person) to go around putting glue on toilet seats?

Hyuck, hyuck, someone's going to get stuck.

Whatever.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Well, I'm back and playing the catch up game right now.

Thanks, Lilo, for the ad clicky support and thanks to everyone who stuck around to read my stuff - old and new (the stuff, not the readers) ;-D

I tried to keep as much new material scheduled as possible, so I hope it wasn't too boring last week.

And, I have no idea what's going on in the world right now because I wanted to come back completely fresh and just wanted to get away from it all for a bit. But, I'm back and ready to play some hardball, so I'll be surfing some of my regular blogs, as well as reading some new stuff out there.

Hopefully, there's some good sh*t going on in the blogosphere for me to rag on.

Fun stuff.

I'm also looking to boost readership, so if anyone has some good (and cost effective) ideas or article links to share, I'd be grateful, and I'm sure my other readers would appreciate it too.

So, ya, this article is pretty boring, but good news about my vacation... I got me a new pair of socks.

Comfy, too.

Lol.

Just had to add that.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

All it takes are two cows and a lot of imagination.

Check out Politics Explained to learn that Surrealism would be the utopia of political systems.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:03 PM | Permalink

I must be Canadian because I couldn't get it to work for me.

Bet they couldn't do this trick with Bush and Cheney.

Gee, you think a misogynist may have created this one?

I think it has a little something to do with the fact that we speak/read in words and letters, and we don't say colours all day long - hence reading side of brain (left) is more dominant.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Yes, you read that correctly, it's a fecal odor suppliment.

Apparently, you can take a pill that deodorises the smell of your poop. The 30 day supply allows you to experience the Whiff Revolution for only $15.

Whiff reduces the offensive smell of poop.

There are some side effects, but no big deal really, it only turns your sh*t green and gives you extreme gas to start.

Yup, not only can you "experience significant flatulence and/or diarrhea", but "Whiff turns your poop a distinct and rich green color".

But as good as all that sounds, and I know some of you are considering it (especially the granola munchers), it warns that their statement is NOT approved by the FDA.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Sam's Back [by 123beta]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I'm back on the game and here for another week of moron guesses.

Congratulations to Blogonomicon for beating everyone to the punch on the Cynthia McKinney guess a couple weeks ago.

Will Blogonomicon be able to maintain the title, or will you be the next champion of moron of the week?

Good luck to everyone.

Here is the standard info for the game:

To your right is the Moron Of The Week posting from which you will be able to guess who you believe is the moron in the picture, then submit your answer in the comment section of this article. On Friday, I will provide the correct answer along with a link to the winning guess's site. Will you be the winner this week?

PS - this isn't going to be easy as there is no shortage of morons out there: politicians, journalists, celebrities, frothing-at-the-mouth moonbats, and the like.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Dead Guy On The Sidebar [by Diane's Stuff]
Sam's Back [by 123beta]
Back Tracking Trackback Tracking back [by Sed Vitae]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (18)

As a result of the ever-growing Internet, Yahoo is catering to Canadians by announcing it has created a Canadianised web portal/search engine to replace www.yahoo.ca. I have listed some of the new and unique features below.

When searching at the new Canadian web portal, the first 3 links returned from any search will always yield links to beer companies. Priority goes to Canadian breweries as Canadians require the good/strong stuff rather than pale ale.

Further, any links containing the words "Celine" and "Dion" will be permanently removed from their database.

There will also be a translation page included in the Yahoo portal which will translate any website from English to Canadian. For example, words such as couch/sofa will be changed to chesterfield, whole milk or Homogenized milk will be changed to Homo milk, theater will be theatre, color-colour, check-cheque, and all "ize" endings of words will be changed to "ise".

In agreement with regulations on Canadian content promotion, all Yahoo images will be interspersed with photos of Wayne Gretzky.

Yahoo is also assuring the public that searching for the word beaver will result in "friendly Canadian water mammal" hits instead of pornography.

Although things seem to be going well for the new search engine, they are undergoing reconstruction to remove the glitches listed below.

Unsubstantiated controversy has been circulating that the Maple Syrup Mafia is using the site to launder the money of their obscene maple syrup profits. The Yahoo portal is presently attempting to cease the MSM abuse and misuse of power.

Unfortunately there will be no Quebec French (Quebecoise) translations. When asked to comment, one yahoo executive stated,

"Quebec Bill 101 requires that the French font size be at least two times the size of the English font, and we are unwilling to compromise the asthetics of yahoo's image. As such, we will not be offering Yahoo Quebecoise translations".

As an attempt to ameliorate the problems they are facing, the new Yahoo portal has included a few more new Canadian features:

Yahoo Messenger will now have a specialised version in second quarter of 2006, which will include emoticons featuring unique Canadianisms such as "Take off, eh", "How's it going, eh?", and "Hey Hoser".

Yahoo Canada Finance will chart the steady devaluation of the Canadian dollar against the ever-increasing taxes and cost of living.

When asked to comment on the Yahoo announcement, Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin stated: "I did not have sexual relations with anyone involved in the sponsorship scandal". Martin was later informed that he had commented on the wrong topic.

And finally, Yahoo Weather will change its forecasting to include the only necessary three levels of weather watch warnings: "it's cold, eh", "time to plug in the car's block heater", and "our seniors are moving to Florida".

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Posted by Samantha at 12:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I'm not around this week (vacation, yay), but have **new** articles and a few Classic Sam's. Sorry, no Moron Of The Week. *gasp*

THIS POST WILL REMAIN ON TOP; SCROLL DOWN FOR MORE SAM.

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Posted by Samantha at 11:59 PM | Permalink

Is it just me, or is this totally boring as an adult?

Sesame Street counting.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Uh, ya... sure... it's art.

Here are some condoms painted to represent countries' flags.

I notice Canada's not on there. Perhaps it has something to do with our low production rate.

Anyhow, that site has more sex art, or so they call it.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 PM | Permalink

I hope if you're in Hawaii, you're getting laid, I mean lei'd, because today is Lei Day.

It's also May Day, aka International Workers' Day where you may see people dancing around large wooden poles (Maypoles).

So, I guess that means that all over the world people are gettin' wood and gettin' lei'd.

What a special, special day.

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Posted by Samantha at 11:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Be A Better Male 101

Day 1: The 3 T's
Toilet Paper
It may grow on trees, but only you can replace the roll in the bathroom.
Group discussion and role play
Toothpaste
Tonight you will learn the crusty truth of why the cap must be put on the tube after use.
Practising with the tube
Trimming The Lawn
Will the grass disintegrate on its own?
Lawn Mowing Simulation Demonstration

DAY 2: Laundry
Underwear
Learn that it's more hygienic to buy more than 1 pair of underwear and to wear a new pair daily.
Class field trip to the mall
Washer
If it sits in the washer long enough will it magically transfer itself to the dryer?
Panel debate
Folding
Learn to fold in 3 easy steps
Hands-on experience
Bonus lesson:
Real Men Bring Them Flowers
Real life testimonials of men who didn't die as a result.

PS - Got this idea from Holly's Fight For Justice, thanks Holly.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:09 AM | Permalink

As you may know, I'm away from the computer right now, so I can't put up the image for the moron this week.

I will have it up and ready for you all tomorrow, and the moron will be revealed on Friday as usual.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink

1. Golden Girl Showers

2. Doing Desperate Housewives

3. ALF (Adulterous Love Fantasies)

4. Everybody Does Raymond

5. That 70's Ho

6. Mork and Mindy is changed to Porking Mindy

7. Night Rider (no change necessary there)

8. TJ's Hooker

9. Three's A Company, Four's An Orgy

10. Different Strokes... For Different Folks

Bonus: for the Brits out there - Are You Being Serviced? (this show takes place in a split-level bordello rather than a shopping mall)

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)