The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns: Moron Revealed #27

Moron of the Week - 27 - Katie Holmes
The press was believing that Katie would have had the baby last weekend, and I was so certain she was going to have an April Fools child.

It would just make sense, you know.

Yes, this week's moron is Katie Holmes, which means that Peace of my mind is the winner, dethroning Jim.

Congratulations Peace of my mind, who, if you'll remember, once held the championship for three straight weeks. So, you all have a lot of work ahead of you on the next moron to take her down.

Of course, the press and tabloids were all believing that Katie Holmes and boyfriend/fiance/hubby Tom Cruise were going to have their little one this past weekend, but it didn't happen. I'm sure the National Enquirer is eager to get their alien headed baby picture of Holmes' baby on the front page.

And, I don't blame them. I mean, what kind of freak of a family must that be when they have the Scientology "church" put signs around their compound reading

“Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable.�?

It really should have read "Warning: Freaks Inside".

But, as the sign states, you are to make understandable movements. So, does this mean that I can walk by and make cuckoo faces and signal the "L" on my forehead for Loser? I think Katie would understand that quite well.

The 6 foot tall signs are also considered to be a reminder to Katie to be silent during birth; but in reality, I'm sure they're just another way of keeping her subservient and submissive.

I don't know, but it seems like Tom Cruise keeps his wombs quiet any way he can.

Someone commented once that

"perhaps Katie Holmes could hold Tom Cruise's testicles throughout the birth and see if he remains silent!"

Now, why didn't Hubbard put that into his religious story?

The reasoning behind the silence is because followers of scientology believe it's traumatic for the child to hear its mom scream and that they aren't to be spoken to for 7 days after the birth, either. Followers say that noise can cause "psychic" damage, which takes years of therapy to overcome.

Regardless of what the "church" says, the kid's going to need psycho therapy once s/he learns that dad put mom through that hell.

I bet it isn't even Tom Cruises; it's actually an alien impregnation and they were the 'chosen ones' to spawn their life forms on earth to eventually take over the planet... and then the universe.

Yup, to me, this isn't a religion, but a cult created by a science fiction writer to screw with people's minds and take their money in the process. Hubbard left this world laughing silently at the idiocy of Hollywood. The ultimate fiction brought to life.

But, that's just my opinion.

There has been a number of speculations on how moron Katie will go about having the baby, including whether she will have Tom Cruise there with her at the time.

Although I don't know their lives for sure, I'm thinking it would be wise for her to kick Tom out while delivering, but it's a little doubtful that he'd give up that kind of control.

And, we all know they're going to tell the press what they want the press to hear - all, I'm sure, performed for the "good" name of scientology.

It's a real shame Katie didn't stick to her more sane roots, but I guess that's Hollyweird for you.

And, Katie has been claimed to be nervous about the whole ordeal and that all the talk about 'silent birth' has made her unsure of herself, and she's not sure if she can live up to the expectations of the "church".

Good! It's not natural or human.

Oh, wait, she's not human, though, is she? She's a podperson from the planet Xenu or some weird junk.

And, while she's been pregnant, the moron's been spending 8 hours a day at the "church", and a source of hers stated that she has become more distant with family and friends, and seems to worship Scientology as much as she worships Tom.

Geesh, she seems more and more to be following the behaviours of all weak minds who enter cult life. Becoming distant, worshiping a weirdo, it all adds up. Let's just hope she doesn't turn psycho like The Manson Family.

But, I do like her last name Holmes; however, intelligent super-sleuth, she ain't.

And, it seems Katie has had her fair share of arguments with her partner. For instance, they have been noted disputing over whether the spawn, I mean baby, should be raised Catholic, like Katie originally was, or Scientology, which she has subscribed to recently.

They have also fought over custody in the event of a separation. Kinda makes you wonder how fake those overabundent smooches between Katie and Tom are if they're contemplating a split already.

And, it's reported that Tom Cruise is demanding sole custody of their child-to-be, which has left Katie in tears.

Like I said, girl, you are just the womb for the alien offspring. And, you're stupid if you think scientology will stick up for you in that battle. I'm sure they could pay off a judge or two so that Tom could keep his, *shudder*, offspring.

It's in the best interest of the "church", you know. To have its own child to experiment on, and to be the next heir to the insane asylum, I mean throne of scientology.

I just hope that Katie's belly isn't fried or the baby is screwed up in any way after all that sonogram action (since Katie and Tom bought a sonogram).

Katie has also had her fair share of problems with the press, including the allegations that her relationship is merely a publicity stunt, particularly since they came out publicly with their relationship right around the time that her movie Batman Begins was out at the theatre.

Na, I don't think it's a publicity stunt. But, I do think they are together because she is weakminded, and Tom can use her to grow his pod babies.

Katie's likely only with him because she's fallen for a cult leader-to-be. She probably thinks he'll take care of her once they've all boarded the mothership.

Where's your strength, Katie?

Stand up for yourself.

I'll never understand these willful victims.

What's it called? Like, identifying with your captors.

But, there is some good news in all this. Katie "the moron" Holmes is said to be thinking about quitting acting for good to be a mother..

Promise?

It's funny they say she's thinking about it, though.

Thinking about it?

Thinking?

This chick doesn't think, she follows. Whatever Tommy wants, Tommy gets. And, knowing him, he wants to keep her barefoot and pregnant so that she can't show him up in her acting career like Nicole Kidman did.

So, barefoot and pregnant - is this what Katie's "religion" is all about?

I just want to shout: KATIE.... GET A SPINE, GET A BACKBONE, GET A CLUE!

I'd really like to say more about the moron, but there isn't much more to her. So, I guess all that's left to say is, again, congratulations Peace of my mind.

Comments

Definitely an idiot. Any woman that agrees to "silent birth" is out of their mind. My guess would be that any one that does is a first timer.

Posted by: Diane | April 7, 2006 05:55 AM

The birth must be silent so the baby is not traumatized... but it was just fine having sound waves bounced off of his/her head during multiple sonograms?

Oy, what loons!

Posted by: Jerry | April 7, 2006 06:11 AM

I hope you caught South Parks reaction to loosing Chef to Scientology

Posted by: dave bones | April 7, 2006 07:12 AM

Free Katie... and the baby!

Geez! Ya think Tom Cruise is a control freak? Silent birth indeed. Go ahead and scream, Katie dear... scream at that moron you allowed to impregnate you that it's all his fault...just like the rest of us normal people.

Don't expect to see Katie in any more movies, unless Tom approves of them first.

Posted by: Stef | April 7, 2006 12:20 PM

Oh, and the identifying with captors is called Stockholm Syndrome. Someone somewhere commented that Jill Carroll acted like she had it. But who knows

Posted by: Stef | April 7, 2006 12:24 PM

I've been coming back here all day just to see her picture.

Posted by: Radioactive Jam | April 7, 2006 01:48 PM

One of these dang-gum days I'm going to win this contest!!!

Posted by: Butch | April 7, 2006 06:33 PM

Radioactive... not a very flattering picture, is it?

Posted by: Stef | April 7, 2006 08:26 PM

Not your typical glamour shot, no. But it *has* captured something "essential." I wonder if she's making a snorting sound... okay maybe I need to let go of this one.

Posted by: Radioactive Jam | April 8, 2006 08:29 AM

The more I read about this tragedy waiting to happen, I can't help but feel like maybe Tom has mixed a little of John Norman's Gor with his scientology. From what I can see, the opnly thing missing is the steel collar around Katie's neck. Yes, there are those that think Gor is an ideal blueprint for society.

Posted by: JRob | April 9, 2006 07:45 AM

Sam, I usually hand out "honors" among Lutheran bloggers, but the humor, pathos, and religious angle of this post compelled me to step outside my usual zone. So I'm happy to tell you that this week's moron won you an Aardie. Congratulations on a job well done.

Posted by: Orycteropus Afer | April 9, 2006 07:44 PM

How silly! People will believe anything! "Scientologists can't make noise while in labor" is about as true as "Christians eat babies and drink their blood." (Yeah, that was "true" enough that the Roman people supported Nero in giving Christians the death sentence!)

Scientologist mothers can make as much noise as we want during labor and childbirth. I should know - I have been a Scientologist for nearly 2 decades, and I have given birth 7 times.

Scientologist mothers, if they have read and used "Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health" will often CHOOSE to ask their doctors, midwives, and nurses to please refrain from unnecessary chitchat during our labors and births. It is OUR choice, and OUR right to request this.

I have never had a doctor, midwife, or nurse, suggest that this was dangerous, troublesome, or a problem in any way. If something needs to be said, it gets said, of course. But we try to keep the birthing room quiet and peaceful.

This is not so strange. Dr. LeBoyer and Dr. Bradley recommended the same.

Posted by: Jane | April 16, 2006 12:10 PM

Ya, like I said, moronic behaviour from a pseudo-religion.

But, whatever, there are all sorts of mixed nuts in this world.

I prefer the cashews.

Posted by: Sam | April 16, 2006 03:18 PM