The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

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Posted by Samantha at 08:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Regardless of the "better answer" they give you, I really don't think there is a right answer for some of these questions.

Dangerous Questions women ask.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Found at alldumb, here are some condoms for the cheapskate in you.

Now that's what I call an economy pack. Enjoy some used condoms.

But, for those who want some newer, unsoiled ones, go here:

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Lol, right around the time I read this, regarding Hollywood gathering to support Tom Cruise during his wacky behaviours and failing MI 3 movie, I read this story about Tom possibly wearing heels.

Sure, he's as sane as h*ll, isn't he?

Hmmm... thinking about it, perhaps it's not just about his weird behaviour, but also about the way he tries to push his "religion" on others.

I don't know anybody who enjoys those 'holier than thou' types.

And, some have even said that Cruise's poor box office opening of MI 3 suffers from overexposure:

"The media overexposes him, and then turns around and asks the question: 'Is he overexposed?', which is kind of ironic."

He's the one who kissed Katie publicly every d*mn chance he got in front of the camera; he's the one who did talk shows and spewed his alien/anti-drugs beliefs all over the airwaves; he's the one who chose to speak with the press about the pregnancy; he's the one who "joked" about his placentophagy thoughts; and he's the one who went to interview after interview to ramble on about how great he thinks he is in MI 3.

No sympathy for that dillweed here.

You know, thinking about it, I've never thought him a good actor. The only times I've watched a movie of his was when it was forced upon me by a friend. Bad times, bad times.

But, what really kills me is that b*st*rd got his producer hands on Deathrace 3000 - a movie that I, without a doubt, will go see because Death Race 2000 is the sh*t. I guess I'm going to have to suffer with watching something else he's stuck his nose into.

Rats.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink

The Dragonlady just beat out Jim this week as she switched her vote from Anna Nicole Smith to Susan Sarandon, and finally to the winning moron guess, Teri Hatcher.

Congratulations goes to The Dragonlady for knowing that Teri Hatcher seems to be aging rapidly these days, as well as seems to have some sort of eating disorder causing her to shrink rapidly too.

If sanity didn't escape her before, it certainly seems to have now that she's acquired uber-fame for being desperate: desperate both as one of the Housewives and in her personal life.

Sure, we've all known about her before - from being Louis Lame on the Superman tv series to her "spectacular" episode on Seinfeld to Radio Shack commercials - but these days we know her for being one of the top paid female tv stars out there.

And, boy, is she out there.

For one, everywhere she goes, she seems to spew her nipple obsession. Even during a discussion about the childhood molestation with her uncle-in-law, she chose to segue into a bull(sh*t) session, not over her boobs, but over her nipples, to be exact:

"They [the men she dates] will have to just sit across the table while they are buying me filet mignon and some fabulous wine thinking, I wonder if I'll ever see those nipples."

And, perhaps if she had more depth to her than a mere couple of knobs, she could snag a decent man for once.

And, speaking of snagging a mate, Hatcher seems to be extremely desperate. She once claimed that she hadn't had a partner since her virtually celibate marriage to Jon Tenney, which ended in 2003.

There's got to be a lot of maintenance issues if someone who wasn't terribly unattractive can't get a date to save her life.

Note: I said "wasn't terribly attractive" as in these days she's not looking so hot for some reason.

And, perhaps one of those reason has to do with her anorexic look. It seems to be wilting her. There's also the possibility that she's taken to the cosmetic surgery knife, which she'd sworn off at one point in her life.

Desperate and a hypocrite?

Of course, she also accidentally augmented her eye due to an injury on the set of Desperate Housewives. It seems the dimbulb was injured by a dim bulb as a light exploded on set and a fragment of glass got in her eye.

Arrrr matey, it's Cap'n Hatch.

That's gotta hurt.

And, remember the Grammys? The gruesomely changing Hatcher seemed to attempt to act her shoe size rather than her age by wearing a see-through dress, which showed her boy boxer briefs below. From the Defamer:

"'We did a few twirls around to make sure you weren't seeing anything you weren't supposed to be seeing,' she told reporters; unfortunately, the thing you really "weren't supposed to be seeing"–an aging, nighttime soap star clawing at the spotlight in an outfit that says, 'Hey, everyone! Look at me! I'm in my underwear! Isn't that outrageous?!'–was still clearly visible to the naked eye."

Her desperation has led into her sex life further. Not only can't she find a willing mate, but she's even considered paying for sex because she can't get any elsewhere:

"I thought about a male hooker. It would be like getting your carpet cleaned and there was a spot they didn't get out. You would feel safe saying 'I need you to get this spot out or I'm not paying you.'"

Jacko isn't the only wacko in the world apparently.

But, I think this disclosure itself led to a tabloid fabricating a story about her having sex in a van while her daughter was in the house. True or not, Hatcher did win the lawsuit against the tabloid for that one, but it's still funny.

Well, with all her personal relationship problems, I guess it could be said that she's not totally ignored by other celeb potentials. I mean, she has been noted to have dated George Clooney on at least one occasion.

Morons dating morons, heh.

And, she's also been observed to have dated American Idol host Ryan Seacrest, but poor Teri was dumped by him immediately after a paparazzi stint.

Geesh, Teri, dumped by a loser.

Pretty sad.

I guess the funniest thing about Hatcher to me, though, is the discussion she had about wanting a boyfriend:

"I haven't had a boyfriend and I don't even know if I could ever call anybody a boyfriend. I mean, I'm really slow - really, really slow."

She's slow - really, really slow.

Teri Hatcher - undeniable moron. Congrats again to The Dragonlady.

More on the moron:
The many poses of Teri Hatcher
one pseudo-lesbo kiss that's sure to nauseate
Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest make out
Hatcher too dumb to speak with Bill Maher (now that's dumb)
Hatcher is rated ugliest actor on HDTV
Teri Hatcher is frankenstein?
Hatcher as wax not far from reality
Teri Hatcher is scarred
Hatcher as luckless
Teri Hatcher whores in sheer blue dress
Hatcher has a self-proclaimed strong vagina

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Posted by Samantha at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Of course, I'm speaking to Cindy Sheehan and every other "freedom fighter" supporter out there.

And, this is regarding the fact that some Canadian soldiers kicked some Taliban a$$ by capturing some of their fighters.

Suck that! Boo-Yah!

Lol.

The 10 prisoners were apprehended earlier this week in a compound near Gumbad.

"In summary, we've taken some bad guys off the streets, and Afghans are safer because of it."

Okay, let's not.

The question at the moment is how far will the anti-war freaks go after the photos of the captured murderers are released.

Military lawyers in Ottawa debated for hours Thursday over whether photographs of the operation and detainees should be allowed to be published.

The photos show detainees with plastic ties around their wrists and blindfolds. But McHugh said he believed they were being treated well.

What bullsh*t stories will they make up now?

Linked to Comedian Jenée, imaginekitty, Cao's Blog

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It's the duck tape website.

There are even a number of crafts you can do with duct tape.

Red Green would be proud (Canucks know who I'm talking about), even though they did spell the product incorrectly by modern day terms. (history of duct tape here or here)

Here's a site with numerous duct tape colours (I'm partial to original silver).

And, here are some fashionable items you can make for your wardrobe.

Okay, enough of that weirdness.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Number one on my list of most disgusting foods is asparagus, but ya, I guess these are gross too.

Mmmmm... monkey brains, gurgle.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

It seems a British couple who married via radio are divorcing via idiocy.

For those unaware, the couple was selected out of 250 contestants to participate in a blind marriage, but have split after only 3 months.

Gee, you'd think they would have learned from the first radio show stranger marriage that failed in 3 months.

It seems with this latest couple, Craig Cooper and Becky Duffy, that after the "marriage", Mr. Cooper was leaving flirtatious text messages to some other chick.

Ya, this whole thing is real smart.

This is an excellent way to devalue the sanctity of marriage.

Everyone seems to get so upset and appalled that divorce rates are high, and question what's wrong with our world and all that, but many of those complaining are the same ones listening to this kind of drivel.

What a raunchy way to look at something so important in our society.

I'm afraid I have too much respect for such a union to support the boobery that goes on in some of these shows.

And, I know I'm not alone in this belief. Why treat something this significant as an "experiment"?

Or, perhaps a better question, what did the winners of the contest receive for prizes to make it worth their while to disgrace such a bond?

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Dave D. from The Waterglass should like this one.

Janeane Garofalo is a tool.

End of story.

Kidding. There's more, even though that really says it all.

Apparently, the moron is taking some heat these days as she has upset some of her fans.

(how desperate are these losers to be fans of Garofalo, of all people)

It seems Janeane is ready to kiss some screwball a$$ as she defends the pseudo-religion scientology. Janeane devoted at least two of her radio programme episodes to talking about the scientology-based New York Rescue Workers Detoxification Project.

In what was considered by many to be more like an infomercial, Garofalo cushioned her talk show with soft questions and praise for the pseudo-detox programme - a programme many medical professionals disapprove of.

So, yay, we have another scientology supporting celeb to make fun of.

I wonder if she'll turn out to be a couch jumper, too.

Hmmm... I wonder if she uses her radio signals to contact the great and all-knowing Xenu.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

It seems some Georgian woman gains an overflow of pleasure from her odd hobby: she collects outhouses.

Janie Peel, I'm sure, is stinkin' happy when she comes across an outhouse for the collection she has in her backyard.

Her newest addition is a 2 seater toilet that took 3 men to lift it.

Peel's words of wisdom on the matter...

"It has a lot of character. You have to wonder about the conversations that might have taken place in there."

"Ya, weather's pretty cr*ppy today, isn't it?"

No, thanks. I'd prefer to mind my own business while doing my business.

Previous/Related:
Gallery of outhouses
Man stuck in stall

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I wonder what is wrong with this spectacular SAG winner since she seems to be wrinkling and shrinking quickly these days.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I was just wondering if one has to be either a female or a gay male to be a fashion designer.

I have never encountered a straight male fashion designer, and I'm curious to know if it's a criteria.

Perhaps I'm wrong. Prove me wrong, but I've never seen otherwise.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Sweet, finally a collector's hobby I can participate in, too. It's the electrical pylon of the month archive.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I've written about nutty New Delhi stories before, and this one is no exception.

Apparently, a man decided he'd rather live in a tree for 50 years than try to work things out with his wife.

The man, Gayadhar Parida, got into a tiff with his wife 50 years ago about something seemingly very trivial (although the story does state just what the conflict was), and he climbed up a tree.

Who knows why he chose a tree. I mean, aren't they allowed to divorce there or something? Or take an apartment separate from the wife?

Geesh.

Parida's strange abode is a makeshift shed on a tree, located about half a kilometre from his actual house. For many years Parida lived in a mango tree, but was forced to move to his new address after the tree collapsed in a storm.

And, the guy's son is 55, which means Parida went into the tree when his son was 5 years old. Imagine growing up with your daddy living in a tree.

I suspect that kid requires a lot of therapy: "my dad's a sloth".

And, what's with the wife?

I'd have left that bum decades ago. Actually, I'd use a few of those years to go out and throw rocks at him to see if I could knock the fool down, lol.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It seems a robber in London has been jailed for 4 years after he was convicted of attempted poop snatching.

A year ago, the robber tried to rob a lady by knife point, but was forced to flee without his "prize" because the bag he was after contained dog feces.

That was probably the sh*ttiest bungled robbery of his life.

The mugger-drug addict, David Carlisle, was told by the woman that the bag she had was full of her pet's poop, so "he fled empty-handed".

What I'd like to know is why she would say anything to the guy.

I'd gladly give him the cr*p, and then I'd be the one with the last laugh as he reaches in for his loot, only to come out with a hand full of poop.

Another classic poop caper.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I've written about his trek before, and now I'm writing about Steve Vaught's completion as he walks across the US to lose weight.

Yes, I guess Fat Man Walking will be a website of the past soon since his goal has been achieved. Well, I guess it won't die anytime soon since people are going crazy reading his story of success.

Congratulations.

His journey has helped him lose about 100 lb's, and I suspect he will continue on his personal trek now that he's on the right track.

Not only that, but I'm sure it has encouraged, and will continue to encourage, many to strive for their own achievements.

His first plan after the journey was accomplished: put on some new socks.

Ya, peee-ew, I can only imagine the stench after walking from California to New York.

That and a good bath.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Here are several ways to p*ss others off.

Here's the 52nd way, pretend you're Cindy Sheehan, Cynthia McKinney, or any other squawky moron.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

joecartoon.com has been one of my favourite funny places to head for a couple years now, and I can't believe I'm only sharing this with you now.

I'm assuming many already know about it, but these are hilarious and timeless.

These are my favourites. And, the gerbil at the bar or in the microwave. And, the 3 wasted flies. And, joemomma.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

A penis article Monday calls for a vagina article on Tuesday.

It seems that more and more women are going in for vaginoplasty.

Lol, ya, there is such a thing.

It's cosmetic surgery for a female's lower region where they tighten the vagina to increase friction and sensation.

I guess basic kegals aren't cutting it.

I can see it now. Kegals, then cosmetic surgeries, and finally they will begin holding vaginal exercise classes. They'll probably even promote it with honeymoon specials where you can tighten your twat in only 5 weeks.

Geesh, I don't look forward to watching celebs show off their new makeovers for this one, or hearing the stories of people's vaginoplasties gone wrong.

So, how many guys out there want this job, and what would they call the doctor anyhow?

A Bush Chopper? Coochie Cutter? Or, perhaps a Snatch Sculptor.

And, what do we call it after the surgery?

A beefed up beaver, an augmented oyster taco, a mended meat grinder, doctored dick depot, or overhauled oval office?

How about a reconditioned rug, or perhaps a patched up panty hamster?

Got any better ones?

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

...is now profiting off Canadians at a tune of $20 a head while on a four city rampage tour through the country - all in the name of her made up organisation Gold Fish, I mean Gold Star Families.

Great, first we have the blimptacular loud mouth, Michael Moore speaking for us, then Mr. Al "make up the facts" Gore, and now we have *shudder* Sheehan.

Thanks, but no thanks to the lot of you.

While talking to Canadians, Sheehan made claims about the war like,

"It's never about spreading freedom or democracy or making the world safe, it's about lining the war profiteers' pockets."

Okay, first off, as if a war is a cost effective procedure, numbnuts. How many billions have already been spent on this war? Sure, profiting.

Uh huh.

There's a reason Sheehan won the MOTY last year, and it's not because she's honourable or a genius.

She also stated, "Canada's deployment of 2,300 soldiers to Afghanistan simply 'frees up more soldiers to be in Iraq'".

Your welcome. I'm glad our troops are being useful over there.

After reading this story, I've been held up in the shower. I feel so dirty knowing that Sheehan was in my country, and worse yet, she was within an hours drive time of where I live.

Clean. Clean. Must get clean.

The air is so toxic and rank with anti-patriotism (ok, I may be overexaggerating a bit, but you get the point).

And, Sheehan says she was here to support other anti-war nuts who want us to open the border to US lowlifes, I mean traitors to their country, I mean military deserters.

No thanks; we don't want your trash here.

Her reasoning for why Canadians should allow US military deserters into the country is because

"the soldiers are within their rights to desert because many are 'lied to' by U.S. military recruiters who tell them they won't have to fight in Iraq. 'My son was an honourable, honest person lied to by his recruiter'".

Ya, he CHOSE that.

A person doesn't CHOOSE to re-enlist if they were tricked into joining in the first place.

Not only that, but nobody with any sense of mind joins the military thinking they are completely exempt from ever taking place in any military-type activities.

And, if they join merely looking for a free ride from the government, then I really don't sympathise with them at all. Being a soldier is an honourable decision to protect one's country, and to use that position merely for a paycheck or free education is pitiful.

I can't believe people ignorantly support this "lady" who spews lies. They should be ashamed.

Linked to freedom watch, common folk using common sense, the median sib, planck's constant, imaginekitty, third world county, blue star chronicles

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Posted by Samantha at 12:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

Got this idea from Right Wing News, who has a great set of people (mostly political, or politically related) he wouldn't want to be stuck beside, and I thought I'd add my own list. Two of mine are similar to those rated in the poll taken on this topic.

1. Tom Cruise - I really wouldn't want to be stuck hearing him babble on about it wacko alien beliefs.

2. Courtney Love - I'd be too afraid that the heroin needle in her purse would jab me during take off.

3. Pamela Anderson - I fear the breasts would take up too much seating space, and I'd be stuck in a tight corner with my face plastered up against the window.

4. Paris Hilton - I'd be too concerned that my IQ would slip well below average just sitting beside her.

5. Ben Stiller - I'd be afraid his ape fur would get into my airline meal (ditto to Robin Williams, but at least he'd be funnier).

6. Sean "Puffy" Combs - or P. Diddy, or Poo Daddy, or whatever the h*ll he's calling himself today. I wouldn't want to sit beside him on a plane because I don't feel like getting shot.

7. David Hasselhoff - See # 3.

8. Julia Roberts - I'd be afraid she'd bite me by mistake with her horse teeth as she tries to chew on her salisbury steak.

9. Oprah Winfrey - I don't feel like being "healed" today.

10. Anna Nicole Smith - Ugh. Aw geesh. Ick. All around, just ew. I can imagine the plane ride smelling terribly (for some reason, I've just got this feeling that she's a smelly person), while I'm cramped up in the corner and my IQ lowers several points as her stupidity rubs off on me.

Bonus: Barbra Streisand - same as the breast idea only with her nose. I mean, this chick tries to get her nose into everything, despite how moronic she comes across.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This was insanely impossible for me.

I got to level five before giving up. Actually, I accidently clicked when I didn't mean to and had to start at the beginning again.

Fun, but geesh.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Thanks goes to Lostinlimaohio for sending me the photo and giving me the idea to search for more.

Men start your growing!

September 2007 is the next World Beard and Moustache Championship held in England.

Here are some more photos of this beardy goodness.

You know, that windmill... if you took the blades/slats off that thing, it could look rather phallic.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This article contributed by The Conservative UAW Guy

Here are some headlines I saw, and my synopsis of them.

I didn't actually read the articles, though.
Just the headlines, ma'am.

Pesticides may affect penis size Probe started into pesticide, firearm and sportscar manufacturers' collusion...

Oil falls below $70 a barrel, gasoline stocks rise
It's all Bush's fault, except the falling price part.
Gore family unavailable for comment...

Navy Chaplain May Face Court-Martial For Praying
Officials looking into charges against lawyers for suing, and against hippies for smelling next...

Teacher Out Of Job After X-Rated Video Surfaces
ACLU, Planned Parenthood and DNC hiring slugfest forseen.
Can't agree on who she represents best...

Bill Gates wishes he weren't so rich.
Still won't give CUG a freakin' dime...
Boo-effin-hoo for you, Bill.

KENNEDY CAR CRASH COVER-UP?
Low IQ, Daily KOS connection?
Sunlight Causes Daylight?
Does jimmyb like guns?

Dean fires Dems' gay outreach chief
Meant to hire a gay reach-around chief...

Article contributed by The Conservative UAW Guy

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Posted by Samantha at 10:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Congratulations to Jim for beating everyone to the punch on the Jessica Simpson guess last week.

Jim has won it once before, but hasn't gone past the one week mark, so will he be able to maintain the title, or will you defeat him to become the next champion of moron of the week?

Good luck to everyone.

Here is the standard info for the game:

To your right is the Moron Of The Week posting from which you will be able to guess who you believe is the moron in the picture, then submit your answer in the comment section of this article. On Friday, I will provide the correct answer along with a link to the winning guess's site. Will you be the winner this week?

PS - this isn't going to be easy as there is no shortage of morons out there: politicians, journalists, celebrities, frothing-at-the-mouth moonbats, and the like.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
New Game at twc [by third world county]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

There is a penis painter in Australia, and no he doesn't paint penises, he paints WITH his penis.

Yes, Tim Patch chose to paint using his shlong as a paintbrush after a friend of his encouraged him.

But, his father doesn't seem too pleased with it (and I don't blame him), with his only response to it all was "oh dear, oh dear, oh dear".

Right now, his art work, including one of Australian Prime Minister John Howard and one of opposition leader Kim Beazley, can be found at the Aussie Sexpo.

Forget the painting, let's hear more about this Sexpo thing!

Intriguing.

And, I don't know about you, but I highly doubt that in the future, they'll be saying, "wow, that's a Tim Patch original" or "I'm the proud owner of a Tim Patch painting".

I seriously think this guy should change his name to Dick Johnson; it would go so well with his "art".

But, this is not a totally unique idea. In my art classes, I did hear of women using their breasts as their painting tool.

Hmmm... now there's a thought, lol.

Maybe I could sell some Samantha Burns originals that way.

And, surfing around, I did find an example of this unique art; and hey, you could even say this is the breast painting you saw.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Uh oh, Where are my socks isn't going to like this.

Today is NO SOCKS DAY!

Seriously, are people bored when they make up holidays, or what?

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)