The Crazy Rants of Samantha BurnsMoron Revealed #30
Well, it looks like Blogonomicon has been defeated by Jim who beat everyone to the punch on guessing Jessica "The Simpleton" Simpson.
Congrats to Jim.
Jessica is obviously best known for her dumb blonde routine/reality.
This is not only portrayed in her everday life of FUBARs, but it is also displayed in her acting roles. For this reason alone, I find it very fitting that she is up for the role of Pamela Anderson's character, C.J. Parker, in an upcoming Baywatch movie.
And, ya, Simpson has the brains for this talentless role, but does she have the jiggle?
I'm guessing it will be implants for Jess if she wants to maintain the bosomy look that Anderson went with.
And, as for other ingenious, spectacular, and awe-inspiring Jessica Simpson acting roles...
Uh... uh...
Okay...
In other news, Simpson is noted as a spokesperson for an organisation called Operation Smile.
I hope by spokesperson, they mean that all she has to do is stand there and smile.
Her position in the organisation is to seek aid for disfigured children.
I wonder, is this a result of her own person battles with deformity? (not to poke fun of those with real problems, just at Jess).
Of course, Jessica doesn't just have the physical to contend with. She's also been reported to have mental therapy as a result of her dead-before-it-began marriage.
Simpson responds,
"I respect knowledge of the psyche. I would be a therapist if I weren't an entertainer."Now, that would have messed up a few minds.
What I really want to know is how does a therapist analyse an empty head, anyway?
The poor doc.
And, Simpson shows more featherbrained behaviours as she gets herself sued by a cothing company. It seems she breached a $100 million contract in which she promised to call Princy jeans her favourite brand. Instead she called another brand her favourite and she refused to be photographed wearing the jeans.
Dumb, dumb, dumb....
Wouldn't it be nice to have enough money (regardless of how stupid you were) that you could easily breach a contract of that magnitude? Na, I'm sure it's not that she's careless about the money; it's because she's too much of a dimbulb to know any better.
But, we can be a little relieved for the moment as Jessica doesn't seem to be interested in having any kids of her own. Instead, she's considered adopting like her idol, Angelina Jolie.
Ya, do what your idol does. Brilliant.
Try having your own life for once, wannabe Jessica.
She started out as a wannabe Britney Spears as she sings kiddy tunes and vows virginity, and now she's a wannabe Jolie.
When is she gonna wannabe shuttin' up?
Simpson has also been digging her own grave lately as she snubbed the US president. It seems she decided not to attend a presidential fundraiser dinner even though she and her family claim to love Bush.
Man, why is it that Bush supporters have to suffer with this chickipoo as their cheerleader? Please, Simpson, do Republicans a favour and go Liberal.
She also acts the tool as she makes crank calls to a fellow celebrity, Kristin Cavallari, because she was dating Nick Lachey.
Geesh, Jess, act your age and not your shoe size. Pretend for a moment, if you will, that you have an average IQ.
Is that too much to ask?
Uh, ya, I'm sure it is.
What really makes me laugh is that her mom claims Jess has an IQ of 160, which is in the genius category.
Okay, don't hurt yourself laughing on that one.
And, speaking of parents, because Jess lacks the cranial capacity to do anything for herself, her father Joe Simpson seems to take over in all aspects of her life, including a spat with Lindsay Lohan.
Ya, the Simpson's manager daddy reared his ugly head when Lindsay Lohan wouldn't invite Jessica to a party.
Wow, that is so, like, not cool.
What - ever!
What age are these people anyways? 12? How juvinile of the whole lot of them.
So, to conclude this, I've chosen to leave you with the words of wisdom of Nick Lachey, Jess's former hubby.
"Let's see what could I say.......Do you really want me to tell you...... Not too many nice things to say about her... How about she was the best stocking I ever stuffed? She was the best chimney I've ever come down on."That about sums Jess up.
Congrats again to Jim.
More on the moron:
Are you as dumb as Jess?
Could you be a Simpson?
Deformed Jess
Proactiv Jess
Deformed Jess 2
gallery of the absurd
asian Jess
Daisy Duke dances 4 you
Sculpture of Jessica Simpson Passing Gas To Rival Britney Spears Sculpture Giving Birth
Jess fails adoption questionaire
Jessica's boobie bounce
Drunk Ditz
Jessica's attitude
Comments
Not to be too big of a contrarian Sam, but there doesn't seem to be a lot that's criminally moronic here. Jessica Simpson's not what anyone would call a bright bulb by any stretch of the imagination, but she doesn't strike me as being in the same league as some of the past MotW's.
Posted by: Dave D | May 5, 2006 05:02 AM
Dave, I have to respectfully disagree. "Chicken of the Sea" was cast as Daisy Duke. That is criminally moronic. Hmm, then again, that would make the producers of that godawful movie the real morons...
Posted by: DragonLady | May 5, 2006 05:44 AM
I grew up with her at a Richardson, TX church. While I'm 10 years older than she is, and didn't see her all the time, I talked with her enough while she and her family still lived in Texas. Believe me, she's not an idiot. Like a lot of 20-somethings, it appears she doesn't think before she opens her mouth. While that's typical behavior for many in her age bracket, do her general mistakes really measure up to someone like Penn, Clooney, or Sarandon?
Of course I could change my mind once the Baywatch movie deal is finalized. This frightens me almost as much as the Dallas movie being planned... with J-Lo as Sue Ellen.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0429966/
Posted by: Rooster Cashews | May 5, 2006 09:52 AM
I don't care what anyone says, she's dumb as sh*t. You can't fake that amount of stupidity.
Plus, if you look at her father's behaviour and her sisters, it just all adds up.
Posted by: Sam | May 5, 2006 11:22 AM
Oh, she's a moron all right. She may not be the same type of moron as Susan Sarandon. But, she's still qualified for this title. She's became one if she wasn't one years ago. Perhaps all the stardom has gone to her head.
Posted by: thirdee | May 5, 2006 02:47 PM
While I'm not a big fan of blondes and even less a fan of stoopid in general, I have to admit that I find her curiously attractive and can think of a few things we could do behind closed doors. Granted, it wouldn't involve her singing or acting...well. Hmmm. Maybe that lil french maid routine...::ahem:: Alas, I have no delusions about it all and even if she did consider an ugly old man, I'd have to hook my better half up with the guy that played that Legolas elfdude in LOTR.
Methinks he'd have the better end of the deal.
Posted by: Civis Proeliator | May 7, 2006 07:49 AM
I showed this to my friend. He said "So what? She's hot." LOL
Posted by: Mark B. | May 7, 2006 07:16 PM