The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns: Moron Revealed #31

Moron of the Week - 31 - Teri Hatcher The Dragonlady just beat out Jim this week as she switched her vote from Anna Nicole Smith to Susan Sarandon, and finally to the winning moron guess, Teri Hatcher.

Congratulations goes to The Dragonlady for knowing that Teri Hatcher seems to be aging rapidly these days, as well as seems to have some sort of eating disorder causing her to shrink rapidly too.

If sanity didn't escape her before, it certainly seems to have now that she's acquired uber-fame for being desperate: desperate both as one of the Housewives and in her personal life.

Sure, we've all known about her before - from being Louis Lame on the Superman tv series to her "spectacular" episode on Seinfeld to Radio Shack commercials - but these days we know her for being one of the top paid female tv stars out there.

And, boy, is she out there.

For one, everywhere she goes, she seems to spew her nipple obsession. Even during a discussion about the childhood molestation with her uncle-in-law, she chose to segue into a bull(sh*t) session, not over her boobs, but over her nipples, to be exact:

"They [the men she dates] will have to just sit across the table while they are buying me filet mignon and some fabulous wine thinking, I wonder if I'll ever see those nipples."

I wonder just how upsetting her child molestation was if she can easily switch to a semi-obscene discussion about her sexuality.

And, perhaps if she had more depth to her than a mere couple of knobs, she could snag a decent man for once.

And, speaking of snagging a mate, Hatcher seems to be extremely desperate. She once claimed that she hadn't had a partner since her virtually celibate marriage to Jon Tenney, which ended in 2003.

There's got to be a lot of maintenance issues if someone who wasn't terribly unattractive can't get a date to save her life.

Note: I said "wasn't terribly attractive" as in these days she's not looking so hot for some reason.

And, perhaps one of those reason has to do with her anorexic look. It seems to be wilting her. There's also the possibility that she's taken to the cosmetic surgery knife, which she'd sworn off at one point in her life.

Desperate and a hypocrite?

Of course, she also accidentally augmented her eye due to an injury on the set of Desperate Housewives. It seems the dimbulb was injured by a dim bulb as a light exploded on set and a fragment of glass got in her eye.

Arrrr matey, it's Cap'n Hatch.

That's gotta hurt.

And, remember the Grammys? The gruesomely changing Hatcher seemed to attempt to act her shoe size rather than her age by wearing a see-through dress, which showed her boy boxer briefs below. From the Defamer:

"'We did a few twirls around to make sure you weren't seeing anything you weren't supposed to be seeing,' she told reporters; unfortunately, the thing you really "weren't supposed to be seeing"–an aging, nighttime soap star clawing at the spotlight in an outfit that says, 'Hey, everyone! Look at me! I'm in my underwear! Isn't that outrageous?!'–was still clearly visible to the naked eye."

Ouch! I couldn't have said it better.

Her desperation has led into her sex life further. Not only can't she find a willing mate, but she's even considered paying for sex because she can't get any elsewhere:

"I thought about a male hooker. It would be like getting your carpet cleaned and there was a spot they didn't get out. You would feel safe saying 'I need you to get this spot out or I'm not paying you.'"

Ooooo-kay then.

Jacko isn't the only wacko in the world apparently.

But, I think this disclosure itself led to a tabloid fabricating a story about her having sex in a van while her daughter was in the house. True or not, Hatcher did win the lawsuit against the tabloid for that one, but it's still funny.

Well, with all her personal relationship problems, I guess it could be said that she's not totally ignored by other celeb potentials. I mean, she has been noted to have dated George Clooney on at least one occasion.

Morons dating morons, heh.

And, she's also been observed to have dated American Idol host Ryan Seacrest, but poor Teri was dumped by him immediately after a paparazzi stint.

Geesh, Teri, dumped by a loser.

Pretty sad.

I guess the funniest thing about Hatcher to me, though, is the discussion she had about wanting a boyfriend:

"I haven't had a boyfriend and I don't even know if I could ever call anybody a boyfriend. I mean, I'm really slow - really, really slow."

Lol, you said it.

She's slow - really, really slow.

Teri Hatcher - undeniable moron. Congrats again to The Dragonlady.

More on the moron:
The many poses of Teri Hatcher
one pseudo-lesbo kiss that's sure to nauseate
Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest make out
Hatcher too dumb to speak with Bill Maher (now that's dumb)
Hatcher is rated ugliest actor on HDTV
Teri Hatcher is frankenstein?
Hatcher as wax not far from reality
Teri Hatcher is scarred
Hatcher as luckless
Teri Hatcher whores in sheer blue dress
Hatcher has a self-proclaimed strong vagina

Some open trackbacks today: Comedian Jenée, imaginekitty, Cao's Blog

Comments

It is sobering to recall that this wildly popular femme fatale of the small screen got her start playing a brainless bimbo, on Richard Dean Anderson's old MacGyver TV series. Apparently, MacGyver's producers and casting agency knew what she would excel at.

Posted by: Francis W. Porretto | May 12, 2006 01:28 AM