The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

As a result of the ever-growing Internet, Yahoo is catering to Canadians by announcing it has created a Canadianised web portal/search engine to replace www.yahoo.ca. I have listed some of the new and unique features below.

When searching at the new Canadian web portal, the first 3 links returned from any search will always yield links to beer companies. Priority goes to Canadian breweries as Canadians require the good/strong stuff rather than pale ale.

Further, any links containing the words "Celine" and "Dion" will be permanently removed from their database.

There will also be a translation page included in the Yahoo portal which will translate any website from English to Canadian. For example, words such as couch/sofa will be changed to chesterfield, whole milk or Homogenized milk will be changed to Homo milk, theater will be theatre, color-colour, check-cheque, and all "ize" endings of words will be changed to "ise".

In agreement with regulations on Canadian content promotion, all Yahoo images will be interspersed with photos of Wayne Gretzky.

Yahoo is also assuring the public that searching for the word beaver will result in "friendly Canadian water mammal" hits instead of pornography.

Although things seem to be going well for the new search engine, they are undergoing reconstruction to remove the glitches listed below.

Unsubstantiated controversy has been circulating that the Maple Syrup Mafia is using the site to launder the money of their obscene maple syrup profits. The Yahoo portal is presently attempting to cease the MSM abuse and misuse of power.

Unfortunately there will be no Quebec French (Quebecoise) translations. When asked to comment, one yahoo executive stated,

"Quebec Bill 101 requires that the French font size be at least two times the size of the English font, and we are unwilling to compromise the asthetics of yahoo's image. As such, we will not be offering Yahoo Quebecoise translations".

As an attempt to ameliorate the problems they are facing, the new Yahoo portal has included a few more new Canadian features:

Yahoo Messenger will now have a specialised version in second quarter of 2006, which will include emoticons featuring unique Canadianisms such as "Take off, eh", "How's it going, eh?", and "Hey Hoser".

Yahoo Canada Finance will chart the steady devaluation of the Canadian dollar against the ever-increasing taxes and cost of living.

When asked to comment on the Yahoo announcement, Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin stated: "I did not have sexual relations with anyone involved in the sponsorship scandal". Martin was later informed that he had commented on the wrong topic.

And finally, Yahoo Weather will change its forecasting to include the only necessary three levels of weather watch warnings: "it's cold, eh", "time to plug in the car's block heater", and "our seniors are moving to Florida".