The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

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The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Privacy and employment [by Nerd. and so much more!]
The Knuckleheads of the Day award [by The Florida Masochist]
FNFO 7th !! [by MacBros' Place]
Why there are only 72 Muslim Virgins in Heaven [by Planck's Constant]
Recall what happened to the Mother of the 1000th s [by Committees of Correspondence]
Hard Partying Life Leads To Untimely Death For Frasier's Pooch [by Political Satire Fake News - The Nose On Your Face]
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Fourth Of July Weekend Open Trackback Fireworks Display [by BIG DOG'S WEBLOG]
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The Woman behind New York Times SWIFT Leak [by Planck's Constant]
The Knuckleheads of the Day award [by The Florida Masochist]
Major League Faith Nights [by Alabama Improper]
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My favorite cover songs [by Don Surber]
Open Track Sunday [by The Amboy Times]
Nobody Cares About Soldiers [by Blue Star Chronicles]
Bragging on my little toddler’s latest accomplishments [by Lil Duck Duck]
Scarlett Johansson Busting Out All Over - Match Po [by Planck's Constant]
Happy Fourth of July! [by Mark My Words]

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Posted by Samantha at 08:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

David Hasselhoff injured his arm a little while shaving.

Okay, not funny. Poor Hasselhoff. *snicker*

Man, I can't wait to watch his lights get beat out of him in that movie Click.

Previous/Related: Hasselhoff's a moron, Sam's laws of life, Top 10 Celebs I Wouldn't Want To Be Stuck Beside On A Long Flight, Hooked on a Feeling, He's Available, Top 10 Weird Digital Music Creations To Come

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Click [by MacBros' Place]

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Posted by Samantha at 05:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

then you're a little to freaky for me.

Here is a game where you try to catch all the sheep as fast as you can.

My reaction time... 0.1866, I'm a Rocketing rabbit.

Can you beat me?

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

... or was that cows?

Here you can read up on the Hindu belief that cows are sacred and why.

There are even many picture of some famous holy cows.

Aunt Betsy, is that you?

(no offense meant)

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I recently participated in an interview on the topic of Blog Traffic Tips and Techniques.

What I have included are a few of the traffic-gaining ideas I've had and employed, so if you are wondering how I've maintained a Top 100 ranking in TTLB for over the past 6 months, those are some hints for you to read.

Plus, if you have your own traffic building tips, we'd appreciate your input either in my comment section or at WeblogHits.com.

Some open trackbacks today: imaginekitty, The Dumb Ox, Conservative Cat, Woman Honor Thyself, Comedian Jenee, 123beta, Macbro's Place, Gospel Fiction

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Open Trackback Weekend #8 [by 123beta]
Some Memoirs are Best Forgotten [by Conservative Cat]
Tips to increase blog traffic [by Larry Hnetka Goes HMmmm]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Apparently, a study is saying that the rich get more sleep than the poor.

But, I'm guessing this rich dude isn't in that same category after his 10,000 square foot mansion just got hit by lightening.

Sucks to be him... sort of. I mean, if you ignore how many millions he has in his pocket.

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Posted by Samantha at 09:57 AM | Permalink

I wanted to put both moronic Olsen twins up this week, but since that would be a dead giveaway, I chose to go with the one that seems more idiotic than the other.

Congratulation to DragonLady's World for taking back the title and for guessing correctly that Mary-Kate Olsen is the moron this week.

It was a very close call as Kerrigan also guessed it correctly, only a few hours too late. So that means DragonLady's World is the one to beat next week.

Okay, let's get right into it. Just so you know who's who, Mary-Kate is the anoerexic, possibly on drugs, university dropout twin while her sister Ashley is considered to be the cigarette smoking wino.

And, man, it's not bad enough that society wants to make the anoerexic rehab fiend of a twin a role model, but now they want the twins to do a health show for kids.

If you think the protruding bellies and mile-wide hips sported by Barney and the Teletubbies provide an unhealthy role model for today's impressionable youth, then we have good news. Us Weekly reports Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have met with networks execs to drum up interest in a TV show for tots promoting good nutrition and exercise.

"Okay, kids, today's lesson: how to fit one cracker into your mouth while the driver takes you to your movie audition".

You know, that's every kid's problem.

"Now, kids, we're going to learn how to barf that cracker up this evening before bed".

And - this is great - I guess it's only fitting that Mary-Kate be a potential new face for Calvin Klein as a way to replace cocaine addict model Kate Moss.

Stick figures seem to be Calvin's thing, eh.

And, Mary-Kate isn't stopping there.

She's hoping to play Kate Moss in a movie based on the model's life.

Mary-Kate thinks that she'd be able to bring the right edginess and depth to the role. She sees Kate as a survivor, just as she is herself. She believes that this could be the movie to show that she’s a talented grown-up who can really act.

Ha, I don't think so.

But, that explains her scrawniness, anyhow.

Mary-Kate must starve herself thin to look like coke head Kate.

I wonder if she has the same "habit" to keep herself thin, too. Some people claim she does, although her representatives state otherwise.

What a fantastic role model.

I wouldn't doubt if she had the lesbo thing going on like Moss does, too.

And, when it comes to being a mogul among munchkins, Mary-Kate is adamant that her sister and she don't deserve that status:

Teen superstar Mary-Kate Olsen has hit out at criticism she is a poor role model for children - insisting she and her twin sister Ashley aren't looking to set an example.

The New York Minute actress, who previously suffered an eating disorder, is adamant the pair can't be blamed for the issues affecting other kids and is annoyed at being constantly saddled with that pressure.

Duh.

And, that really explains why your sister and you are role modelling health and nutrition to tots.

Whatever.

Mary-Kate isn't lacking in the relationship tabloid area, either.

She's been on and off again with her partner David Katzenberg, who has lately considered proposing to Miss Skeletor.

He's totally gone! He said he knows he wants to marry Mary-Kate and have children with her, and he's just trying to build up to the right moment to ask her.

He's got to be out of it if he's dating that NYU dropout. Besides, I don't think that scrawny body of hers could bare children in the first place.

And, Mary-Kate was also in the gossip spotlight as she butted heads with Paris Hilton over the greek shipping heir, Stavros Niarchos:

The New York Minute actress, 19, began dating the Greek shipping heir in May and introduced him to her friend Hilton.

In October, Niarchos dumped Olsen for Hilton, who had just called off her engagement to Paris Latsis.

I guess that shipping heir just likes the idiots of the world.

I think Mary-Kate secretly idolises Paris, though, because she's taken to smashing up cars just like Hilton.

Mary Kate, twin sister of fellow actress Ashley, was forced to slam on her brakes because two lanes were blocked on a freeway in Los Angeles.

Her bodyguard, travelling behind her, could not react in time and hit the back of her Range Rover.

And, apparently, Paris and Mary-Kate kissed and made up, and Mary-Kate has moved on to torturing Jessica Simpson.

Reportedly Mary-Kate was occupying a "VVIP" booth," reports E! Online: "(She was) all cozy and protected from the connection-hungry hottie masses. She was sans entourage. They were on the way, see. Va-va-voom, more-is-more Jess-doll entered. She was all smiles, as she started to slip into M.-K.'s booth.

Alas, Jessica was told she was so not welcome.

Morons, the whole lot of them.

Morons.

I think the funniest thing about Mary-Kate, however, is that she was in school for chef training.

"I want to go to culinary school because I love cooking. One day I'd love to open up a restaurant or cafe."

I suppose you don't have to eat it to cook it.

Perhaps, though, she could do us all a favour and grab herself a plate from time to time, eh.

Well, that's it for this moron. Congrats again to DragonLady's World for the win.

More on the moron:
MK and A Olsen's Crackman
Mary-Kate Quotes
Play checkers with Mary-Kate
the lady's got class
Mary-Kate dragging Ashley down

Linked to imaginekitty, The Dumb Ox, Conservative Cat, Woman Honor Thyself, Comedian Jenee, The Pirates Cove, Leaning Straight Up, Dan Mancini

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Posted by Samantha at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Leave to the Japanese to create something totally bizarre. Not saying they ever build weird things like robots, and sh*t... but they do.

Now you can feel safer in the crotch-al area while riding your bike with the new balls bag.

Yet another way men can protect their package.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Protecting What's Most Important [by The World According to Nick]

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

This is just a little time passer.

If you're bored, why not play Redbeard.

Just don't stay underwater too long.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Yeesh, where do I begin?

Everytime I head to Home Depot around here, I get the royal screw job. After the first time, I thought maybe they were just low on staff. Perhaps they were just busy that day and couldn't have staff available to answer my questions.

So, I got what I needed, forgot about what I wanted, and wrote the experience off as one bad day.

I returned another time for something else, figuring forgive and forget.

No chance.

Same drab treatment, cr*ptacular service.

But, as time goes on, one tends to forget the horridness, so I returned for one last venture.

A friend of mine needed a lawnmower for her place. I also needed to get myself some minor goods, so we headed to Home Depot together.

Once in the store, we headed to the lawnmower section where we picked out something that didn't look cheap, but not too expensive, and it had to be electric. She had made her decision from looking at the floor models and looked around for a service person to get us one in a box.

Oh, just our luck, a service person was just walking by at the very moment we needed one.

Unusual, but desired.

But, as luck would have it, this person told us she'd get someone from that department, as she was too much of a dimbulb, apparently, to get a d*mn box herself.

So, we waited a little while and finally got some high school-looking kid to help us out.

Or, so we thought.

My friend tells him what she wants, and he says he'll go get a trolley to pack it on for us. He returns a while later, with the trolley and proceeds to put the floor model on the trolley.

My friend's like, no 'tard, I want a new one. Okay, she didn't call him a 'tard at that point, but I was sure thinking it.

So, the kid says he'll go track one in a box down for us. He reads the information for the model we want, and he leaves.

Luckily there was some patio furniture beside us, so we sit down there and wait.

He returns, looks at the information again, and he leaves.

We continue to sit and wait.

He returns and says he's not sure if they have one, but he'll check the computer. He takes down the information on a notepad, and he leaves. At this point, I'm like, why didn't he just write the information down in the first place.

We sit and wait.

He returns, looks at the information, and leaves.

What the...?

We sit and wait.

I tell my friend that we should just leave. She's says to give it a few more minutes.

We sit; we wait.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see the kid walking up an aisle. I figure, okay, he's finally going to get it out of storage. Then, a few minutes later, I see the same kid walking in another direction down the front end of the store.

Finally, I just say, enough, we've got to get out of here. I told my friend that this isn't worth her business or mine, and she agrees.

We are no longer sitting and waiting.

In the end, I vowed not to go back to that Home Depot Hell; plus, I created a more appropriate slogan for the company:

Home Depot - where everybody's a nobody.

Linked to Liberal Common Sense, Conservative Cat, The Dumb Ox, imaginekitty

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Posted by Samantha at 10:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Sure, you thought it was cave writing, but it was really...

Some open trackbacks today: TMH's Bacon Bits, Conservative Cat, The Dumb Ox, imaginekitty, Sed Vitae

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

As a result of the hag's hunger strike (and, by "hag", I'm sure you know exactly who I'm talking about), I will be spending my days, starting July 4th and ending September 2nd, eating uncontrollably.

Consider this to be an effort in expressing my absolute disapproval of Cindy Sheehan and her 'tardy entourage. Sure, I support troops coming home when the timing's right, but I certainly don't support the moonbats in any way.

Similar to Sheehag's strategic title, Troops Home Fast, I have titled my engorgement, Poops Come Fast (especially after devouring innumerable greasy edibles and tons and tons of junk).

Okay, well, I probably won't actually be taking part in it, but you get my point.

Besides, I really don't believe Sheehan and the other moonbats will honestly stick to their new diet, either. Something tells me those granola munchers will fake it in front of the public eye every chance they get, but behind the scenes... ya, right.

So, no, I will not be gorging on everything in sight, and I don't recommend it to anyone, but I can guarantee you this - every time I take a bite of something, I will not be thinking of that ugly mug, Sheehan.

*Buurrrp*

Linked to TMH's Bacon Bits, Conservative Cat, The Dumb Ox, imaginekitty, Sed Vitae

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I never thought I could ate strawberries more, but I do.

Check out these freaky foods.

For me, what's more creepy than the food is the fact that people thought enough to photograph it. Of course, some of those are manually manipulated, but still weird.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

This is just perturbing.

Who in their right mind would create glasses that you pierce onto your body?

Well, apparently James Sooy that's who-y.

Now, you can be a nerd and a freak at the same time.

This is not something I want to see. Ick! But, what's sad is that because of the "ick" factor, many punks will probably do it.

*shudder*

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Posted by Samantha at 01:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

If you'll recall, there was a time when I wrote an article about a new hybrid of cattle, which are smaller, or dwarfed. I believe I called the article Mini Moo. Lol.

Well, now there's a new hybrid around that's not only small, but it's wooly too.

Two cattle producers in New South Wales are trying to downsize their cattle to produce a miniature breed which can also be shorn like a sheep.

The cows are between 100 and 120 centimetres high, and apart from being extremely docile, the couple say their hair is like cashmere wool.

"It's a Scottish breed, from the Galloway area of Scotland, good for beef, they can be milked, also their hair can be spun like wool."

We know cattle can be crossbred, so my guess is that our future will eventually entail talking cows once Billybob gets ahold of Buttercup, and they create the first ever human/cow mutation.

I suspect that it will not stop there, and instead, cows will become so evolved that they eventually wipe out the human species to take over the world.

Perhaps this explains the alien abduction of cattle.

The aliens know who the real species in control of planet earth are, or will be.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Well, if computers or global warming doesn't take over the humans, perhaps these wonky animals will. I mean, they're already learning self-defense techniques in karate and quick getaways using bicycles.

That's right, just take a look at this dalmation dog riding a bike and this karate chopping monkey.

It all adds up.

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Posted by Samantha at 07:05 AM | Permalink

Evolutionary Big Bang theorist, Stephen Hawking, is wrong, I tells ya.

Lately, Hawking has been hawkin' his belief that we need to colonise Mars because the earth is in for doom, perhaps as a result of global warming or some other catastrophe.

I disagree.

I believe, with the aid of new technologies, the human population will survive indefinitely.

As slaves, mind you, but we will survive.

Call it the "I, Robot" syndrome, if you will, but I think humans will create computers so powerful that they will begin controlling the earth, the environment, and everything in between.

I mean, it's already begun. Just look at what computers are capable these days: reading our minds. Not to mention how they can serve us beer.

Now, wouldn't that be the ultimate strategy? Computers acquire a mind of the own enough to learn how to sedate and enslave the human race by appealing to our senses, like our taste for beer, and learning about our emotional state, then finally, controlling our emotional state, and hence, our entire existence.

Yup, that's how we're going down. Not by global warming, but by computer enslavement.

And I, for one, welcome our new cyber overlords.

(I have to, he's watching me now as we speak)

Some open trackbacks today: third world county, Diane's Stuff, imaginekitty, Conservative Cat

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Posted by Samantha at 12:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

This is an article MR.BIG, my techie, wrote a long time ago, but deserves another look as an informative measure. I'm revisiting it because I've been getting an awful lot of those fake paypal scams telling me they have received "unusual activity" on my account, and I'm sure some of you have gotten this bull-story, too.

Article contributed by MR.BIG

Every other day or so, I receive an e-mail from someone claiming to be PayPal or another bank of some variety.

Of course, each e-mail wants me to immediately click on the link and enter my username and password to promptly verify that information is correct due to lost records on their part, or to validate a recently large sum of cash deposited into my account, or other such ridiculous reasons.

Now the scam pages are usually easy to spot.

Basically, if you click on the link, it will show you the actual URL you will be directed in the address bar. For example, this is a fake http://www.paypal.com/ link. If you clicked on the link you'd be directed to visit Oprah's poop. If I had been a nasty evil person, I could have made that webpage look exactly like PayPal's website. If you were fooled, you might enter in your PayPal username and password which I would promptly abuse for evil deeds.

Okay, so you are wise and smart to this trick? No one is going to fool you because you look at that address bar to tell if the website is a fake or the real McCoy. Not so fast wise-guy; you could still be fooled. Take a look at this fake PayPal URL from MSIE: https://www.paypal.com/. This does not go to the real PayPal website. Pretty neat trick, huh? Not if I were an evil person trying to scam you. This webpage does not include a valid PayPal forgery fortunately, but it could have very easily.

This is all due to Internationalizing Domain Names in Applications (IDNA). Basically, there are international characters that look almost exactly like the normal latin characters to which we are all familiar.

Even the writers of the RFC specification, warned that this might happen:

When systems use local character sets other than ASCII and Unicode, this specification leaves the problem of transcoding between the local character set and Unicode up to the application. If different applications (or different versions of one application) implement different transcoding rules, they could interpret the same name differently and contact different servers. This problem is not solved by security protocols like TLS that do not take local character sets into account.

Let me interpret for you:

Yadda yadda yadda... some international characters look like Latin characters... yadda yadda... it could fool people into thinking one website was anothers... yadda yadda yadda

What's the best way to make sure you are going to the right website? Type the website in yourself into the address bar, and not by cut n' paste or by clicking on a link in your e-mail. Yes, typing is a major pain, but it's highly unlikely you will type the international character by accident and be fooled by imitations.

YOU. HAVE. BEEN. WARNED.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

This one comes as a set... but which one is it?

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Fact: Until the year 1920, Canada was planning on invading the United States.

Little do they know, the invasion strategies continue ;-D

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Posted by Samantha at 05:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

This is a post I had to share. Be sure to read the instructions before scrolling down.

I just love the last picture.

Quite funny.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Dave from The Waterglass wrote this tale in the comment section of my recent article, The Gangs of New Orleans, but really it deserves to be front page news. In the article, I had a little fun commenting on the ever-so-tough transvestite theft gang in New Orleans.

This is Dave D's response.

"Y'know, that's not that funny. Brings back memories of living in The Big Easy...

There I was, walking back from a 27-hour shift working for The Man, with my $1.98 monthly paycheck jingling softly in my jeans pocket. Times were tough then, and half the pennies would fall out of the holes in my pants if I wasn't careful or if the duct tape peeled off. Anyway, there I was, dog-tired and walking home at 2:30 AM, and when I looked up from the broken sidewalk, I was surrounded by 'em. Five o'clock shadow, Adam's apples, Revlon Peach Delight lipstick, and velour track suits an Italian housewife would run over an old lady for at Filene's. They were terrifying. The ringleader's bright red wig seemed to glow like Hell's own fire in the streetlights' glare, and when he/she smiled, I saw dentition so horrible that I will carry that image to my mausoleum.

'Gimme whatcha got, sugar, 'fore we take it and more,' she/he said, in a deep, gravelly voice that squeaked on the high notes like James Earl Jones being rogered by a desert cactus.

Hands shaking, I fumbled with my pockets, trying to gather up the nickels and pennies in a quick and non-threatening manner. I heard the ever-deafening 'click' of a switchblade opening behind me, and I knew that no matter what I gave 'em, I was still a dead man. These trannies were out for blood.

Grinning from ear to ear, the leader reached out for the money, his/her crimson Lee press-on nails gleaming dully like the talons of a fearsome street raptor. At the last moment, I flung my hands up, change flying everywhere. While they scrambled to pick up the precious nickels and pennies amidst the busted crack vials in the gutter, I ran away in the confusion.

Thank God my worn-out Keds could beat high heels in a street race, or I wouldn't be here now.

Yup."

Thanks Dave D for informing us on the gravity of the situation. My humblest apologies ;-D

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Tales from the Big Easy [by The Waterglass]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I thank Jim for sending me these funny tidbits from time to time. What a crazy world we live in - it's full of butty goodness.

In April, according to a report in the Lincoln (Neb.) Journal-Star, a 38-year-old man appeared at the ER at BryanLGH Medical Center West in Lincoln with a 20-ounce soft drink bottle lodged in his rectum. [Lincoln Journal Star, 4-12-06]

Well, I guess that's one way to to get the lid off.

Also in April, according to a report in The Capital (Annapolis, Md.), a former restaurant manager was acquitted of assaulting one of his then-employees, heightening the mystery behind the alleged assault (in which the employee had been found in June 2005 in an alley behind the restaurant with a garden hose's nozzle end stuck in his rectum). [The Capital (Annapolis), 4-13-06]

That must have been the home kit enema.

April - authorities at El Salvador's La Esperanza prison near San Salvador arrested visitor Lidia Alvarado for allegedly trying to smuggle an M-67 grenade to inmates by stuffing it inside her vagina. [KTRK-TV (Houston)-AP, 4-19-06]

Now that's what I call an explosive coochie.

In May, a judge in Edmonton, Alberta, ordered Shee Theng, 30, to serve a nine-month community-control sentence for partially scalping his then-girlfriend by attempting to "style" her hair with a power drill, a technique he said he learned about on a TV infomercial. Theng admitted that he knew it was a bad idea because he had previously screwed up his own hair trying it out. [Edmonton Sun, 5-11-06]

She should just be thanking her lucky stars he didn't trip while styling her hair with that drill. She'd have a little more than scalping done; she could have had a full frontal lobotomy.

Idiots.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:04 AM | Permalink

I haven't done this in a while, but I just wanted to thank you all for being the best darn readers, commenters, and fellow bloggers a gal could ask for.

And, no, I'm not drunk.

It's the hangover talking.

Kidding, I really do appreciate you.

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Posted by Samantha at 06:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Lol, I don't know about you, but something about a gang leader wearing a pink jumpsuit and fluorescent red wig doesn't exactly strike fear into me.

Apparently, New Orleans roughnecks come in the form of a flamboyant transvestite gang that wanders the streets and looks for the finest fashion to raid.

“They’re fearless,� said Ogle. “Once they see something they like they won’t stop until they have it. They don’t care, they’ll go to jail. It’s really gotten bad. You know it’s ridiculous when everyone on the block knows who they are.�

Like, say, get a bunch of women to start flirting with/hitting on the drag queens.

That ought to make them run away... and fast!

Some open trackbacks: Common Folk Using Common Sense, Freedom Watch, Tor's Rants, imaginekitty, Conservative Cat, Blue Star Chronicles

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
TUESDAY'S BEST OPEN POST [by Freedom Watch]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

1. The brand Old Man replaces Old Spice

2. Mennen's MoldAway

3. Forgotten Funk

4. Ladies Cheese Stick

5. Stink Defunctor

6. Woozy Whiff

7. Rotting Fish Stick

8. The Rancid Roll On for men

9. Pungent Pit

10. Dirty Secret Anti-Perspirant

Bonus: Hotel Bed Dry Stick

Got more ideas?

Linked to Common Folk Using Common Sense, Freedom Watch, Tor's Rants, imaginekitty, Conservative Cat, Blue Star Chronicles

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Enjoy a little of dancing Paul.

Make sure you crank up the tunes 'cause this guy's rockin' the house - with your help.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
So You Think You Can... [by ...was i there?]

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Only this is claiming to be legitimate artwork. Looks like the kind of junk IKEA would sell.

Well, when I get more paintings accomplished in my life, maybe people will be interested in buying some Sam originals instead.

It's gotta be better than that bologna.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink

If you haven't guessed by now, there are a lot of idiotic things that people do, which p*ss me off.

I'm sure these same things p*ss you off, too, so I have compiled a few of those irritants and have created some consequences to go with them.

These laws are to be upheld as it is the only way society can cope with the world's f*cknuts.

I will begin with my biggest pet peeve:

1. If you drive slow in the fast lane(s), the law suggests that you be punished in the cruellest fashion: you will be subjected to a mind-numbing musical performance by Celine Dion.

2. For those who bring odoriferous, stinky lunches to work and then eat them at your public desk, you will be punished by communal a$$ kicking. Every co-worker get in line; it's time to get revenge.

3. If you are one of those creeps who takes your date out, but you end up spending the night gabbing on a cell phone, then you are definately deserving of getting that cell phone crammed up your a$$. (This one, unfortunately, has benefits if you use a vibrating ring tone, as you may enjoy it going off up your derriere.)

4. This one's for those who tell the same story over and over again, and never find anything new to talk about. We call these people repeat offenders. Although there is no immediate punishment for this behaviour, these people require cattle prod markings of the letter "L" on the forehead, labelling them "losers" as a warning to all that these people have no life.

5. Last, but I'm sure, not least, it's the law of courtesy. For example, at all times, you will be required to apologise if you bump into someone, whether you "feel" it was your fault or not - it's only polite. Perhaps some would consider this merely a Canadian law, but out of decency, it shall be applied worldwide. Punishment: watching 72 non-stop hours of video clips with David Hasselhoff running along the beach with his breasts jiggling in Baywatch. One of the worst tortures known to mankind.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Way to go Kerrigan for knowing that Travolta's a moron.

So, who wants to steal the crown from Kerrigan? You? Well, you can only steal it if you play the game, so go ahead and give it a try.

Good luck to everyone.

Here is the standard info for the game:

To your right is the Moron Of The Week posting from which you will be able to guess who you believe is the moron in the picture, then submit your answer in the comment section of this article. On Friday, I will provide the correct answer along with a link to the winning guess's site. Will you be the winner this week?

PS - this isn't going to be easy as there is no shortage of morons out there: politicians, journalists, celebrities, frothing-at-the-mouth moonbats, and the like.

Some open trackbacks: third world county, imaginekitty, The Dumb Ox, Committees of Correspondence, Bloggin Outloud

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Posted by Samantha at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (18)

This article contributed by The Conservative UAW Guy.

*Cue Twilight Zone Music*
Submitted for your approval: A tasty sammich; a man; a mystery....
Next stop, the CUG Zone...

I think I have a ghost in my house.
It was very strange this morning.

It was dark and stormy.
Lightening was flashing and the thunder was grumbling and booming; the house trembled.

There was an almost palpable tension in the air.
There was unease, nay fear, hanging in the dank gloom of the early morn.

The lights flickered, threatening to go out, but not fulfilling their implied promise of darkness and hopelessness.

The satellite picture was intermittent, interrupting my normal maniacal patriotic monitoring of Fox News. (Because it is fair and balanced.)

I was making a turkey sandwich on the kitchen counter to take to work for lunch.
Suddenly, I had a nature call.

I left the sandwich, with its generous mound of decomposing turkey flesh (mmmmmm...), on the counter, to await the final construction and packaging phase, which would involve much bacon (surprise!) and lettuce.

After peeing, and thanking the good Lord for not hitting my plumbing (literally and figuratively) with lightning while I was doing so, I washed my hands.
(Yes, I am not only witty, but hygienic as well.)

I returned to the kitchen, sensing something was amiss, and much to my dismay, I found that with nary a sound nor any other obvious indicator, my sammich had disappeared!

I looked hither.
I looked yon.

But to no avail.
Fruitless.

And sandwichless.

Note: The following picture is not an actual picture of the AWOL sammich in question, but an artistically masterful and realistic re-creation of the missing delicacy (*sniff*):

It looked so happy and carefree....

Here is shocking, indisputable photographic evidence of the missing lunch staple and its paranormal implications; it was right here! (For you hippies, please note there is no sandwich in the picture, as it is missing.)

Of course, I immediately reached for my weapons, as apparently a dangerous, ravenous interloper had surreptitiously made his way into my humble (yet tastefully decorated) abode!!!

But then, as I quickly swung around with shotgun and pistol at the ready (I'm moderately ambidextrous), I suddenly thought to myself,

"Self, your two dogs, one of whom coincidentally has a head that is countertop height when standing, would have barked and howled and snarled and yipped at, and then bitten and ultimately rent asunder, any intruder whom may have breached the intrinsic security mechanisms of your domicile, and who then might have subsequently tried to pilfer the tasty, meat-laden repast in question".

There would have been no way I could have missed the ensuing canine cacophony, had some one entered with nefarious, luncheon-meat filching intentions.

An intruder would have met with something akin to this:

Grrrrrr!
A full-on Jake-assault!!!

Thus, the only logical conclusion is (thank you Occam!), understandably, that a hungry, ill-mannered ghost has nestled into my culinary haven, without so much as a please or thank you.

That bastard.

Maybe I need an exorcist.
(Now why does Jake look so happy?)

Article contributed by The Conservative UAW Guy.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Please trackback your best here.

An