The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

Want a faster, cheaper state of tipsy?

Well, apparently artificial sweeteners are the way to go then.

Alcoholic drinks made with artificial sweeteners lead to a high rate of alcohol absorption, resulting in a greater blood alcohol peak and concentration than from drinks made with sugar-based mixers.

The reason, Australian investigators told attendees here at Digestive Disease Week 2006, is the accelerated emptying of the stomach caused by artificial sweetening agents.

The findings have public health significance, Rayner said. He recommends that product labeling include information on the intoxicating qualities of artificially sweetened alcoholic drinks. There could be legal implications for those driving home, as well, he noted.

And, I'm going to call it the Get Soused and Slim diet.

Instructions for the diet could be rather simple: drink nothing other than artificially sweetened alcoholic beverages. Plus, exercise could include lifting your beer mug for 10 reps, do 15 sets altogether, then swagger 10 times to the right and teeter 10 times to the left before passing out.

I'm off to try my new diet routine. If I'm not back in an hour, that means it worked.