The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns: Moron Revealed #38

Moron of the Week - 38 - Mary-Kate Olsen
I wanted to put both moronic Olsen twins up this week, but since that would be a dead giveaway, I chose to go with the one that seems more idiotic than the other.

Congratulation to DragonLady's World for taking back the title and for guessing correctly that Mary-Kate Olsen is the moron this week.

It was a very close call as Kerrigan also guessed it correctly, only a few hours too late. So that means DragonLady's World is the one to beat next week.

Okay, let's get right into it. Just so you know who's who, Mary-Kate is the anoerexic, possibly on drugs, university dropout twin while her sister Ashley is considered to be the cigarette smoking wino.

And, man, it's not bad enough that society wants to make the anoerexic rehab fiend of a twin a role model, but now they want the twins to do a health show for kids.

If you think the protruding bellies and mile-wide hips sported by Barney and the Teletubbies provide an unhealthy role model for today's impressionable youth, then we have good news. Us Weekly reports Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have met with networks execs to drum up interest in a TV show for tots promoting good nutrition and exercise.

Ya, that's swell. Send in bones and chain smoker to teach toddlers health and nutrition.

"Okay, kids, today's lesson: how to fit one cracker into your mouth while the driver takes you to your movie audition".

You know, that's every kid's problem.

"Now, kids, we're going to learn how to barf that cracker up this evening before bed".

And - this is great - I guess it's only fitting that Mary-Kate be a potential new face for Calvin Klein as a way to replace cocaine addict model Kate Moss.

Stick figures seem to be Calvin's thing, eh.

And, Mary-Kate isn't stopping there.

She's hoping to play Kate Moss in a movie based on the model's life.

Mary-Kate thinks that she'd be able to bring the right edginess and depth to the role. She sees Kate as a survivor, just as she is herself. She believes that this could be the movie to show that she’s a talented grown-up who can really act.

Edginess? Depth? Talented? Can really act?

Ha, I don't think so.

But, that explains her scrawniness, anyhow.

Mary-Kate must starve herself thin to look like coke head Kate.

I wonder if she has the same "habit" to keep herself thin, too. Some people claim she does, although her representatives state otherwise.

What a fantastic role model.

I wouldn't doubt if she had the lesbo thing going on like Moss does, too.

And, when it comes to being a mogul among munchkins, Mary-Kate is adamant that her sister and she don't deserve that status:

Teen superstar Mary-Kate Olsen has hit out at criticism she is a poor role model for children - insisting she and her twin sister Ashley aren't looking to set an example.

The New York Minute actress, who previously suffered an eating disorder, is adamant the pair can't be blamed for the issues affecting other kids and is annoyed at being constantly saddled with that pressure.

Ya, so that explains why you did numerous kiddie movies - because you DON'T want kids looking up to you.

Duh.

And, that really explains why your sister and you are role modelling health and nutrition to tots.

Whatever.

Mary-Kate isn't lacking in the relationship tabloid area, either.

She's been on and off again with her partner David Katzenberg, who has lately considered proposing to Miss Skeletor.

He's totally gone! He said he knows he wants to marry Mary-Kate and have children with her, and he's just trying to build up to the right moment to ask her.

Ya, he's gone alright.

He's got to be out of it if he's dating that NYU dropout. Besides, I don't think that scrawny body of hers could bare children in the first place.

And, Mary-Kate was also in the gossip spotlight as she butted heads with Paris Hilton over the greek shipping heir, Stavros Niarchos:

The New York Minute actress, 19, began dating the Greek shipping heir in May and introduced him to her friend Hilton.

In October, Niarchos dumped Olsen for Hilton, who had just called off her engagement to Paris Latsis.

How very interesting *yawn*.

I guess that shipping heir just likes the idiots of the world.

I think Mary-Kate secretly idolises Paris, though, because she's taken to smashing up cars just like Hilton.

Mary Kate, twin sister of fellow actress Ashley, was forced to slam on her brakes because two lanes were blocked on a freeway in Los Angeles.

Her bodyguard, travelling behind her, could not react in time and hit the back of her Range Rover.

Maybe that was her reconciliation act.

And, apparently, Paris and Mary-Kate kissed and made up, and Mary-Kate has moved on to torturing Jessica Simpson.

Reportedly Mary-Kate was occupying a "VVIP" booth," reports E! Online: "(She was) all cozy and protected from the connection-hungry hottie masses. She was sans entourage. They were on the way, see. Va-va-voom, more-is-more Jess-doll entered. She was all smiles, as she started to slip into M.-K.'s booth.

Alas, Jessica was told she was so not welcome.

H'okay then.

Morons, the whole lot of them.

Morons.

I think the funniest thing about Mary-Kate, however, is that she was in school for chef training.

"I want to go to culinary school because I love cooking. One day I'd love to open up a restaurant or cafe."

Ya, Mary-Kate - anorexic Mary-Kate - in school to learn cooking.

I suppose you don't have to eat it to cook it.

Perhaps, though, she could do us all a favour and grab herself a plate from time to time, eh.

Well, that's it for this moron. Congrats again to DragonLady's World for the win.

More on the moron:
MK and A Olsen's Crackman
Mary-Kate Quotes
Play checkers with Mary-Kate
the lady's got class
Mary-Kate dragging Ashley down

Linked to imaginekitty, The Dumb Ox, Conservative Cat, Woman Honor Thyself, Comedian Jenee, The Pirates Cove, Leaning Straight Up, Dan Mancini

Comments

Sam's right again! These girls used to look hot, but now they are just washed-out has beens. It won't be long until their business dealings suffer as well.
Stay tuned!

Posted by: Mark Shipley | June 30, 2006 04:04 AM

I think that Mary-Kate Olsen wants to play Kate Moss in a movie because their names are pretty similar.

That's...that's what I think.

Posted by: Dave D | June 30, 2006 05:52 AM

Well, the real moron would be whoever believes that having a girl who appears to still be struggling with an eating disorder leading a show on health would be a good idea.

Posted by: K | June 30, 2006 06:12 AM

Those two look positively frightening to me. And their acting ability never improved one bit from their first days on Full House. What's amazing is that they took this utter lack of talent and made sums of money with it. This last fact makes it a little difficult not to giggle when MK refers to herself as a "survivor." What did she survive again? Being pampered, spoiled rotten, and becoming a vapid socialite and multi-multi-millionaire? But for the grace of God go I.

Posted by: Dangerous Dan | June 30, 2006 08:05 AM

Actually, maybe they don't. Maybe those movies were pitched more to the Humbert Humbert types...

Posted by: McGehee | June 30, 2006 08:12 AM

Umm, that's what a paper bag was invented for. Duh!

Posted by: Jeff | June 30, 2006 08:16 AM

Is that a picture of a real person? It looks like a mannequin.

Posted by: Ole Blue | June 30, 2006 09:09 AM

"I wouldn't doubt if she had the lesbo thing going on like Moss does, too."

Now see, that's just mean. I mean, Pete Dougherty has issues...but to call him a woman is just mean. ;)

Posted by: Thom | July 1, 2006 06:34 AM

HA, Thom, he's only some rouge lipstick away from being the woman I'm sure he desires to be. Maybe that's why he's on the drugs, because he's "confused".

Posted by: Sam | July 1, 2006 11:14 AM

You Do Know People DONT ask for eating disorders. I Suffer from Anorexia also, and we totaly cant help the fact that we have it. Anorexia is a mental problem. If you dont have an eating disorder you dont have the right to be talking about people that do, its just mean. She dropped out of collage becasue she needed to get herself help for her eating disorded. you cant just tell and anorexic girl to eat IT DOESNT WORK. So get a clue and think about other peoples feelings before you write hurtful shit.

Posted by: Mary | February 3, 2007 04:24 PM