The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns: Moron Revealed #35

Moron of the Week - 35 - Kevin Federline Wow, Dragonlady's World is the quiz extraordinaire! Kicking snot over at Diane's Stuff as well as five weeks in a row here, eh (thanks DL for the correction). Someone better catch her quick; she's on fire.

So, since Dragonlady's World won it again, it means she guessed correctly that this fruitloop is none other than Keven "Cletus" Fertilizer, I mean Federline.

I figured I'd better get in on writing about this moron now before he becomes history in the public eye after Spears divorces his sorry arse.

It's only a matter of time, in my opinion.

Now, let's ignore the fact that he needs a babysitter to change his diapers (or whatever the sitter does), and look at K-Fed's life.

K-Fed is probably one of the most laziest SOBs I've ever heard of. I'm sure we've all heard the stories of how he leeches off his wife, Britney Spears, all the time.

We know little about Federline prior to his marriage with Spears, so I'll just start there. After meeting her at a bar, K-Fed spent a little time leeching of Spears' fame by taking part with her in a reality show similar to the Newlywed show.

I don't even remember what it was called, it was that stupid.

Shortly after, we learned just how lazy K-Fed was when Britney was forced to propose to him since he couldn't get his sh*t together enough to make the move.

Since their marriage, his laziness has been further proven in his need to leech money off Britney all the time.

Let's start with him buying a $300,000 wristwatch behind his wife's back:

"Britney Spears has yet another reason to be miffed at her hubby. Kevin Federline shelled out $300,000 for a wristwatch without telling his wife first, according to Us Weekly. Perhaps it's no co-incidence that that's the exact amount the aspiring rap star reportedly was paid to record an album and tour in Japan. 'All he does is work on his music and try to find ways to get out,' a source told the mag. 'That is all he cares about. It has taken a big toll on their marriage because he's not always there for her and he used to be.'�?

Hey Britney, y'all might want to use this for grounds for divorce.

But, K-Fed's not stopping there.

Laziness has pervaded his typing finger, too, as we learn that he is scavenging bandwidth off Britney:

"When you go to http://kevinfederline.com/ and look at the source code, the flash intro's URL is var mMovie = "http://www.britneyspears.com/kfed/intro.swf";

So his website is leeching bandwidth off Britney's website host (saving him upwards of $20 a month)."

Dude, get a f*cking job.

Can't even afford his own $20 a month.

Loser.

He's even taken to getting his friends to profit off of Brit:

Spears suspects that K-Fed is responsible for some of the leaks to the tabloids about the couple's private lives. “Britney knows Kevin tells his friends information, knowing they will leak it to tabloids,�? a source close to Spears told Us. She has taken to not telling her hubby certain things — including that she was going to announce her pregnancy on David Letterman — for fear the info would be leaked to his buddies. “They sell stories for money. ... She is sick of him using her for them to profit.�?

And, he's not just leeching off Britney, he's even been accused of stealing music samples:

"You can't just take a very well-known piece of music and add your own vitriolic rap over the top of it and get away with it," Dolby told MTV News on Wednesday (April 5). "If anybody's going to sing nasty lyrics over my music, it's going to be me."
"America's Most Hated," which Federline recently debuted on his MySpace page, actually samples Mobb Deep's "Got It Twisted," which sampled "She Blinded Me With Science."

So, like, what is this guy good for?

Making babies?

Perhaps that's all he's good for since he now has 3 of them with one on the way (two from his ex, Shar Jackson and one with Britney)

And, speaking of being a baby maker, apparently he's a poor one at that too.

It's been said that he has basically abandoned his first two kids, and

"Federline schedules more weekly face-to-scalp time with his personal cornrowing professionals than he does with his own offspring. What's more, Federline was putting the background moves on Spears well before he had ended things with Jackson."

It seems he's not such a great father with his latest arrival either since Spears has had to hire a manny to do Federline's job as a parent.

Way to be a man, K-Fed.

Not only that, but the one thing that he does say in support of his children happens to be one of the stupidest things a person could say:

"It's completely unfair when a child is brought into this world and now he's already looked at like a prince," the soon-to-be-dad of four explains to Item magazine. "My kids are going to have to learn what a real job is, what life is. You don't have it easy with me. Period ... My kids are going to work at Taco Bell, dammit!"

So, while the rest of the world considers "real" jobs to be doctors, teachers, lawyers, etc., K-Fed has high hopes by raising Taco Bell babies.

D*mn, he's a freakin' moron.

But, let's get back to the fun stuff. K-Fed can also be observed as the lazy b*st*rd that he is in how he is promoting his new album.

He so darn pathetic that he's not even going to perform while on tour. He's going to hire a frickin' DJ while he sits back and "observes" the crowd.

He confirmed on March 28, 2006 that he will perform a promotional club tour in major cities such as New York and Los Angeles. Federline reported that he will not be performing on the tour but rather he will be observing fans' reactions to tracks played by a DJ.

But, what I want to know is how will he be able to observe an empty room?

What makes me sick is this tool actually has fans that could show up to his "concerts". Yes, there's actually a fan club for this f*cknut.

If ever there was a reason to blow chunks....

But, to end this, I guess it should be noted that Federline dislikes his nickname: