The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

If you haven't guessed by now, there are a lot of idiotic things that people do, which p*ss me off.

I'm sure these same things p*ss you off, too, so I have compiled a few of those irritants and have created some consequences to go with them.

These laws are to be upheld as it is the only way society can cope with the world's f*cknuts.

I will begin with my biggest pet peeve:

1. If you drive slow in the fast lane(s), the law suggests that you be punished in the cruellest fashion: you will be subjected to a mind-numbing musical performance by Celine Dion.

2. For those who bring odoriferous, stinky lunches to work and then eat them at your public desk, you will be punished by communal a$$ kicking. Every co-worker get in line; it's time to get revenge.

3. If you are one of those creeps who takes your date out, but you end up spending the night gabbing on a cell phone, then you are definately deserving of getting that cell phone crammed up your a$$. (This one, unfortunately, has benefits if you use a vibrating ring tone, as you may enjoy it going off up your derriere.)

4. This one's for those who tell the same story over and over again, and never find anything new to talk about. We call these people repeat offenders. Although there is no immediate punishment for this behaviour, these people require cattle prod markings of the letter "L" on the forehead, labelling them "losers" as a warning to all that these people have no life.

5. Last, but I'm sure, not least, it's the law of courtesy. For example, at all times, you will be required to apologise if you bump into someone, whether you "feel" it was your fault or not - it's only polite. Perhaps some would consider this merely a Canadian law, but out of decency, it shall be applied worldwide. Punishment: watching 72 non-stop hours of video clips with David Hasselhoff running along the beach with his breasts jiggling in Baywatch. One of the worst tortures known to mankind.