The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns: Moron Revealed #40

Moron of the Week - 40 - Elton John
Congratulations von for knocking The Hand of Munger out of the winner's circle.

Now, some of you may be wondering how von knows that Sir Elton John is a moron. I mean, what did Sir Elton John ever do to make himself a moron?

Well, let me tells ya.

If anything, we cannot call John a recluse. He's out there... and I mean out there.

From criticising and attempting to reform fellow celebs to his cr*ppy sense of style, John makes himself noticed.

Of course, we all know him for his tacky outfits and gaudy glasses, but another cheesy element of this moron is his self-loathing.

He hides no secrets about how he despises his physical appearance:

"Looking in the mirror and not liking what I see - that's been with me all my life and probably will be until the day I die.

"The physical self-loathing. I like myself as a person very much, but physically."

Perhaps if you stopped dressing the part of being ugly - take off those dang giganti-sized, sparkley glasses for frick sakes - you might actually be able to see your true self and perhaps fix it; hiding behide awful-looking clothes doesn't help one's self-image.

Plus, if you stopped nagging others (which I will get to shortly) and fixed your own deep-rooted 'problems', you could actually look past your superficial self to see a brighter life.

But, you know, instead of taking that logical step to healing, the moron opts for plan 'B': getting high and drunk to numb his pain.

Always the wiser frickin' choice.

Duh.

"Flamboyant rocker Sir Elton John used to smoke so much cannabis he was forced to undergo surgery to save his voice."

And, the nutjob has claimed in recent years that he has got back on the wagon and doesn't do that stuff; instead, he has been reported to have traded drugs in for sweets and cakes:

"My drug now is food. I've only got to pass a baker's window and I put on 15 pounds."

Way to solve that problem there, moron.

Wouldn't you just call that masking the issue?

What's next? Are you going to trade in sweets and cakes for heavy ammo and drive-by shootings?

Oh ya, and speaking of Rampage John, he has blurted out stupid gun-toting threats on numerous occasions.

For instance, he verbally attacked the Cannes Film Festival press when they interrupted a speech by saying,

"If you saw Transamerica ... I'm talking ... you f**kwit, f**ing photographers you should be shot, you should be all shot. Thank you."

Way to hold your composure and professionalism.

Twit.

I think those drugs may have eaten away too much of your brain, and it's too late for you now.

In another instance, he attacked the paparazzi, stating,

"I'm not keen on being followed around by the paparazzi, I hate them. If I had six months to live, I'd get a machine gun and I'd kill 'em all. And I'm being serious. It's that bad. They're scumbags. They're not human anyway."

Yah, I'd say you were one Twinkie short of a full box.

By the way, dimbulb, those paparazzi help keep you famous and wealthy. The more you are exposed in the media by them, the more chances of people buying your albums due to name recognition.

Dolt.

But, what's really funny is that Elton John basically threatened Madonna when he complained about her lip-synching:

"Anyone who lip-synchs in public on stage when you pay GBP75 to see them should be shot."

Okay, yes, Madonna's a dipsnot, but perhaps she's not the one who should be shot. I don't know about you, but I don't see any use for a whining douchebag like Elton.

Keep that 'man' out of the frickin' gun shops, people; he's a walking time-bomb.

I swear if he keeps it up, they're going to have to change it from "going postal" to "turning Elton".

But, when he's not threatening the lives of others, he's meddling in their affairs and attempting to reform all the celebrities he can in a single swoop.

For instance, he attempted to kidnap and reform Robbie Williams from his drug-addicted ways by getting his guards together, tossing Williams in a limo, and forcing him into a rehab clinic.

Ya, 'cause that's always the best way to help someone - by forcing them.

Moron.

Haven't you ever heard the phrase, "you can't help someone until they choose to help themselves" (well, it goes something like that).

Plus, Elton's been in one gay squabble after another with both George Michael and Boy George at one time or another.

Good grief, I'm not even going into that childishness.

He's also slammed singers Ashanti, Brian McFadden, and Gwen Stefani for their musical choices - like he's one to talk.

"Brian is probably a nice man, but I nearly died when I listened to Irish Son. I absolutely hated it. It's the worst lyric on a record I've ever heard. I had to take it off in case I committed suicide. It's just horrible. No, no, no."

When asked about Ashanti's ONLY U track, John fumes, "I hate this. Absolutely hate it. It sounds so dated, it's just painting by numbers. Awful. And that horrible cover. How will this ever sell? Ugh."

Despite admitting he "loves" NO DOUBT singer Stefani, John is unimpressed with her debut solo single WHAT YOU WAITING FOR?

John laments, "Very disappointing. I love her, but I just don't think the song is very good."

He's such a b*tch!

Look at the cr*p you sell. Give me a break - you suck-diddley-uck!

But, at least one person knows the truth about him - Elton John's a faker:

"Gospel singer RENATA WILSON, 19, was in the line-up for the ROYAL VARIETY SHOW in London two years ago when she witnessed Elton's diva-like backstage behaviour after it was suggested his slot was delayed.

Renata explains, "For about five minutes he went off for a paddy behind the stage. He had to wait to perform so we were all standing in the wings.

"Then as soon as the curtains went back he was all smiles and was playing away. I thought, 'You faker.'"

And, John seems to harbour more elements of lunatic when it comes to the United States:

"British rocker Sir Elton John believes Americans have been manipulated so much since the 11 September (01) attacks, they no longer live in a free country."

Whatever.

The freedom issue lies with the terrorists trying to take freedom away, you tool.

What the frick is so bloody wrong with protecting freedom and lives?

Well, it's almost time to go. But, before I do, I want to leave you with this notion:

Elton John dances in his bathroom to Kylie Minogue music while NAKED!

Enjoy that image of a nude Elton John, heh heh.

Congrats again goes to von for the win.

Some open trackbacks today: Woman Honor Thyself, partyblog.ca, imaginekitty, The Dumb Ox, Comedian Jenee

Comments

WOOHOOOOO!!

Posted by: von | July 14, 2006 05:53 AM

Congratulations Von.

Gee, Sam, so reserved? Why don't you tell us how you really feel about Sir Elton? Great pick.

Have a nice day!
D. Ox

Posted by: D. Ox | July 14, 2006 07:17 AM

Damn!!! Congrats, von, but DAMN!!

I KNEW it was someone with a wooden head! I just couldn't properly identify the termite bait...

Posted by: That 1 Guy | July 14, 2006 09:49 AM

Not sure about having a wooden head, but he sure likes wood in his head.

Posted by: Heavy Smoker | July 14, 2006 02:14 PM

It's rather pathetic that the word 'crappy' was censored here. In my opinion, it's 2006 and crappy isn't that offensive of a word anymore. And if you do think it to be offensive enough to censor it, why use it at all? Loser.

Posted by: Geoff | July 14, 2006 02:44 PM

I love it when people sign their own name as loser.

Posted by: Heavy Smoker | July 14, 2006 03:25 PM

Lol, thanks Heavy Smoker.

Geoff is cr*ppy, lol.

Posted by: Sam | July 14, 2006 04:48 PM

Elton was a creation of the genius of Bernie Taupin. Look at the mediocre "stuff" Elton has put out since Bernie stopped writing his lyrics.

Cripes, the great music he recorded was, "Madman Across the Water".

Posted by: Airdale | July 14, 2006 04:54 PM

Well, at least in my two guesses I had the gender right. <snicker>

Posted by: McGehee | July 15, 2006 02:11 PM

Well that was rubbish,
Elton is one of the best comtemporary composers you can't deny that.
As far as you bagging his sense of style and his opinions, why don't you just take him for what he is and love it or leave it.
Waste of time,
Long live Elton and his Music.
1969-2007 and beyond...

Posted by: One of EJ millions of fans | January 7, 2007 02:54 AM