The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

In the spirit of copying the sh*t out of PETA, we here at PERV have created a nearly identical version of their letter to the Wisconsin Department of Health and Family Services.

An open letter to the Organic Consumer's Association.

Dear Veggie-Eating Supporters:

People for the Ethical Rights of Vegetables (PERV) is an intergalactic all-for-profit organisation with at least two members, probably more, dedicated to the protection of vegetables (and to a lesser extent, fruit).

As you are probably aware, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), studies the health risks associated with vegetables, fruit, and other edibles. That has nothing to do with this letter.

This letter is to respectfully suggest that the OCA issue a public heath advisory urging citizens to avoid the health risks associated with organic vegetables by steering clear of these markets altogether. Eating vegetables can raise energy levels to what some might call, dangerous extremes. Veggie eating on a regular basis can also improve the immune system in people, which sounds nice, but can be hazardous. If the human immune system is strong, it is not able to take in germs and viruses, which means it would have nothing to fight. I question, is this fair to the human immune system?

The problem that we are coming to you with is that the public is not aware of these dangers, and we feel it is your responsibility to bring awareness to the public on these matters.

Further, the public is not completely aware of the absolute horrid taste of vegetables. It's not just the smell. So, even if you plug your nose, you are not assured that you will avoid the disgust of eating veggies. It is not realistic to expect families visiting farmers' markets and grocers to practice the degree of food selectiveness necessary to ensure that no vegetables are bought.

Vegetables used in mobile fruit stands are subjected to the rigors of travel, confinement, and often mishandling. Restricted to small boxes, these vegetables are given little rest from continuously excited and often unintentionally rough purchasers. Because many of the vegetables used in fruit stands are relatively cheap and therefore easily replaceable, some sellers don't even provide veggie massage therapy. And, at the end of the season, vegetables are often sent to slaughter and decomposition.

I have attached nothing, which details the health hazards of farmers' markets for your review. May we meet with you to discuss this matter further? Thank you for your time and attention to this completely farcical matter.

Yours truly,

Samantha Burns

Vegetables in Jeopardy Specialist
Captive Veggies and Salable Issues Department

All previous PERV posts.
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Thanks to VP PERV Diane's Stuff for the logo.

Some open trackbacks: TMH's Bacon Bits, imaginekitty, The Dumb Ox, Conservative Cat