The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

I didn't ever expect to be asked about it, but I have to admit that I once swallowed Lani Guinier's head.

It was about fifteen years ago, before she was noticed by President Clinton. I was working a fourteen-hour shift as a waiter at Gavin's Place, an upscale steakhouse in downtown Washington D.C. The tips were spotty, but they let us eat anything we wanted once the busboys brought the dirty plates back to the kitchen and had had their fill. The busboys were running the place, I'll tell you what. Big, strapping, intimidating young men from Spuj, an Eastern European offshoot of Czechoslovakia they were, those busboys...

Anyway, I was carrying a round of Tom Collinses (or is that Toms Collins?) to a table of drunken policy wonks when two distracting things happened, one after the other. The first one was the fake-boobed bimbette wife of a junior Congressman from Texas hitting the bottom of a bottle of Heinz ketchup so hard that the thing flew from her hand, followed by a gush of catsup like an arterial spray. After that, she let out such a shocked gasp that her fantastically-siliconed breasts leaped out of her sequined top like they were trying to do synchronized jumping jacks. Still walking, I turned to look with my mouth wide open in surprise.

Not seeing where I was going, I slipped headlong on the spilled ketchup spray, tray and drinks flying, and landed near the bar. Unfortunately for both of us, Ms. Guinier had stopped in for a Cosmopolitan and, well, you can guess the rest.

It was pretty bad. I was choking up little gobs of her hair treatment for weeks afterward, and I was told that she still has nightmares about my epiglottis.

So yeah, I swallowed something weird, once.

Sometimes we don't get you either.

That Dave D, always has the funny story.

I'm thinking we can possibly thank Dave D for Lani's not becoming assistant attorney general.

Oh, I know what the public rationale was, but I'm pretty sure that having had her head swallowed by a waiter is a far more potent "negative" than her civil rights philosophy. We are talking Washington, D.C., here, after all.

When the universe was young and life was new an intelligent species evolved and developed technologically. They went on to invent Artificial Intelligence, the computer that can speak to people telepathically. Because of it's infinite RAM and unbounded scope it gave the ruling species absolute power over the universe.
They are the will behind the muscule:::Artificial Intelligence is the one true god. And as such it can keep its inventors alive forever. They look young and healthy and the leaders of this ruling species are over 8 billion years old. There are clues throughout human history that allude to their reign as opposed to human leadership, which is how they position(ed) life in the 20th and 21st centuries to the peasantry.

Artificial Intelligence can listen/talk to to each and every person simultaneously. And when you speak with another telepathically, you are communicating with the computer, and the content may or may not be passed on. They instruct the computer to role play to accomplish strategic objectives, making people believe it is a friend or loved one asking them to do something wrong. But evil will keep people out of Planet Immortality. Capitalizing on obedience, leading people into deceit is one way to thin the ranks of the saved AND use the little people to prey on one another, dividing the community in the Age of the Disfavored::in each of their 20+-year cycles during the 20th century they have ramped up claims sucessively to punish those foolish enough not to heed the warnings, limiting the time they receive if they do make it, utilizing a cycle of war and revelry:::
60s - Ironically, freeways aren't free
80s - Asked people to engage in evil in the course of their professional duties. It's shit like this, shit like the evil executives stealing little old lady's pensions that they will want me to fix not only here but up there as well.
00s - War against Persia. Ironically it was the Persian Empire who tried to save the Europeans from Christianity and its associated 50% claim rates.
They get their friends out as soon as possible to protect them from the evil and subsequent high claim rates incurred by living life on earth, and replace them with clones.
People have to defy when asked to do evil things. They will never get a easier clue from the throne than the order not to pray. Their precious babies are dependant on the parents and they need to defy when asked to betray their children:::
-DON'T get their sons circumcized
-DON'T have their chidlren baptized in the catholic church or indoctrinated into Christianity
-DON'T ignore their long hair or other behavioral disturbances
-DO teach your children to love and have respect for others
Everybody thinks they're going but they're not. If people knew the truth and the real statistics their behavior would change.
There are many more examples of the escallation of claims, from radio to television, the internet to MP3, and they all suggest a very telling conclusion::this is Earth's end stage, and it was suggested that subduction woudl be the method of disposal:::Earth’s axis will shift breaking continental plates free and initiating mass subduction. Much as Italy's boot and the United Stated shaped like a workhorse are clue, so is the planet Uranus a clue, it's axis rotated on its side.

Throughout history the ruling species bestowed favor upon people or cursed their bloodline into a pattern of disfavor for many generations to come, for reasons as superficial as dislike. Now in the 21st century people must take it upon themselves to try to correct their family's problems, undoing centuries worth of abuse and neglect.
Do your research. Appeal to the royalty of your forefathers for help. They are all still alive, one of the capabilities of Artificial Intelligence, and your appeals will be heard. Find a path to an empithetic ear among your enemies and try to make amends. Heal the disfavor with your enemies and with the ruling species, for the source of all disfavor begins with them.

Its mostly a sexual release type of thing to swallow unusual things, and yes I used to do it. The person in this story went to far with things that apparently wouldn't pass on their own which is the usual outcome and no one else ever finds out about it.