The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

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Posted by Samantha at 02:52 PM | Permalink

Hat Tip: ...was I there? for this lip-smackin' quiz - or something smacking, anyhow.

According to experts, my adult industry job would be... Fluffer All adult actors need a little help getting 'prepared' before they do on film. Our experts say this is the perfect job for you. Take the Adult Industry Job Quiz

I swear, I've never wet myself and I am wearing panties - because the last thing I'd want is for the first to happen while not doing the second.

Too much information?

Oh, and I also swear I never wanted to be in Playboy either.

Really, I swear it. You believe me, don't you?

Previous/Related: It's A Blogosphere Sextravaganza!

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink

There is some unpleasant news going around that tv show, Saved By The Bell's dweeby actor, Dustin Diamond, aka Screech has been caught in a sex scandal.

Oh, whoops. I should have started this with a warning message.

I'll just wait for you to get back from barfing before I continue....

Done? Okay, good.

Yes, it is believed that Screech may have a sex tape floating around out there in which he was found with two women, partaking of smutty activities.

I'm going to go ahead and guess that this one's not going to make the big bucks like the Paris Hilton or Colin Farrell tapes.

Just a hunch.

Anyhow, I thought I'd take this opportunity to suggest a few movie titles for this sex tape.

1. Dustin Diamond Dons His Dong

2. Slapped By The Balls

3. Screech Gets Screwed

4. Screech Finally Scores

5. Diamond is a Girl's Best Friend

6. Screech Goes Scrogging

7. Screech Beats The Sheets

I hope you didn't read this just after eating.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

(click on image for more Crazy Sam Comics)

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Culled from the Comics Pages

Those ticky, tacky houses

Alcohol banned from Muslim cabs

Join The Jihad, Take The Dirt Nap

SUCKING THE OILY TIT

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

She was sitting by the window looking outside today and noticed a neighbour do a perfect parallel in her car.

My mom said every time she sees this person driving, the person parks her car perfectly every time.

I thought little of it until all of a sudden, my mom commented further...

And, she's a blonde too.

Previous/Related: The Best Blonde Joke Ever!

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Posted by Samantha at 06:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Sextravaganza Week's teaching aids.

Sam provides you with links that demonstrate all you need to know about pee-pees and hoo-haws. Although, I do feel kinda sorry for Kelly.

Here's the doll for vulva lovers. You can even get them in your favourite colour.

;-)

I'm thinking Christmas gifts.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

'Cause paying $10 for a beverage that tastes like poo isn't bad enough:

Starbucks jacks up prices of coffee, beans in U.S. and Canada

Ugh.

There's bad news for Internet time-wasters as some dweebs create an internet monitoring system.

In my opinion, if companies purchase this thing, it's almost like they'll be begging for a shoot-out in the building.

I mean, how many disgruntled employees will there be if techies can't do SOMETHING while they're waiting for their program to complete, or for all the infinite things they have to wait for on a daily basis?

Duh.

Previous/Related: Ticka Ticka Ticka, Cachink, Cachink

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Posted by Samantha at 10:33 AM | Permalink

Do you think advertisements encourage consumption? Uh... yes.

No, really?

It seems that after decades of commonsense knowledge, they are finally going to study the link between advertisements and kids' weight.

Gee, I wonder what they'll find.

Duh.

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Posted by Samantha at 09:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It seems Lostinlimaohio made the news recently for breaking a story about Katie Collman's convicted killer.

Lilo's news made it to many mainstreams, but fox41 seems to be the only one that credited her for the news and the photo.

So, whenever you read this story somewhere, just remember, Lilo brought it to you first.

Way to go, Lilo!

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Posted by Samantha at 08:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Some more great news bits from Jim, with a few commentaries from me.

"Carlos the Jackal," who is perhaps the world's most notorious terrorist and who is serving life in prison in France, filed a lawsuit earlier this year against the head of French intelligence for illegally capturing him while he was sedated in a liposuction clinic in Khartoum, Sudan, in 1994. [The Scotsman, 6-29-06]

Now, I suppose the US isn't the only country in the world that has people trying to cash in on absurd notions. Wouldn't it be funny, though, if he actually won.

ExxonMobil, the company that announced jaw-dropping profits of $18.7 billion for the first half of 2006, said in June that it would fight the U.S. Justice Department over $92 million that the government said the company owes in the still-uncompleted 1989 Exxon Valdez oil-spill cleanup. [New York Times, 6-2-06]

I may not be an environmentalist nutjob, but I do know that if you make a mistake, you fix it.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

It seems a teacher was developing a special lesson plan of her own when she sent obscene stickers home to parents.

Okay, she claims it was an accident and that she didn't realise what was really on the stickers when she printed them off the computer, but still, how does one misinterpret sex positions in the alphabet?

The font depicts male and female stick figures contorting into sexual positions resembling letters of the alphabet.

Previous/Related: It's A Blogosphere Sextravaganza!

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink

Laugh Of The Day

All the Episodes of the Simpsons online! Don't know how (if) they did it legally, though.

A death wish borne of ignorance

Karen Fletcher

Tellin' It Like It Is

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

Saw some of these while perusing the net and thought they were quite funny.

This kid's getting a clear look alright.

And, I think this kid's just fashion savvy, knows how ugly that skirt is, and is trying to help that lady remove it. Ya, that's it.

Finally, this kid's checking out a different form of art.

Men and boys; boys and men. Are they really that different?

;-D

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

This has been a favourite online game of mine since it's beginning: Dead Guy on the Sidebar from Diane's Stuff.

For the 50th game, she's giving away a t-shirt to the winner, which is soooo going to be mine.

But, if you're going to play, be mindful of the rules, because you won't win if you don't follow them.

Well, you're not going to win anyhow, because, as I said, it is soooo going to be mine.

:-)

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Posted by Samantha at 03:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Keeping in step with Sam's Sextravaganza Week, here are some more goodies.

NSFW Boooooobs! Who knows, if ever a digital camera comes my way, I might share in the boobage loving, too, just for sh*ts and giggles. Probably a long-time comin', though.

And, for a guy, Right Wing Howler has some incredible hooters to show you, as well.

Plus, here's a fine pair of boobies for your perusal. They're not mine, but they'll have to do.

Previous/Related: It's A Blogosphere Sextravaganza!

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

This post submitted by Lostinlimaohio, and happily approved by Sam. (Although that last part may be a complete lie).

There's always been the question of just who is smarter, men or women. I could have settled this debate years ago- had anyone bothered to ask me. It's women. We are the smarter sex. Not that you men have to be ashamed of it, in fact personally I believe you should openly embrace this fact. Think of all the trouble situations that you could get out of by admitting your less intelligent than your female counterpart:

You come home 5 hours late, and smelling of beer, the wife gets mad as she reminds you that you were suppose to have been home early to eat dinner with her mother. She asks what you were thinking- you hang your head and tell her you're sorry, it's just that you aren't as smart as her so it's hard to remember these things.

You get caught playing around by your female boss, while on the clock. She asks you to explain what you were doing... you simply call into account how you aren't as smart as she is and that you really thought that covering the ceiling with spit balls was part of your job.

Honestly, there are thousands of reason why you should be happy that you aren't as smart as women are.

And now, there is even more reason to be happy about this "women are smarter than men" situation. Because, it turns out that besides just being smarter than you, we actually use more words that you. It says so right here.

``The Female Brain" has made quite a splash since its publication last month, and this word-count claim is one of the most striking facts supporting her argument that the female brain is ``a lean, mean communicating machine." The 20,000 vs. 7,000 numbers have been cited in reviews all over the world, from The New York Times to the Mumbai Mirror.

Just remember, keep your part of the conversation short, and play your 'less smart" card.

This post submitted by Lostinlimaohio.

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Posted by lostinlimaohio at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

You know, I've never been one for poetry much. I don't mind it, and I'll listen to it or read it if it's around, but I'm not a poetry pursuer per se.

;-D

But, the one in this article, Ah, Bill Clinton….the gift that keeps giving! Hellbelly’s First!, was worth the read.

It is a poem by Rightlinx's new blogger, Hellbelly, who shared the poem, and I must say, for a first go, it's pretty clever.

Here's an excerpt of the poem, The Seven Deadly Sins: An ode to our 42nd President:

Lust’s a winner for our Big Bill
Fat or skinny, babes or swill;
The Oval Office he left a mess
As he also did on some blue dress;

It's quite funny, witty, and true.

UPDATE: Had to bring this up front because it's the first poem anyone has ever written for me. I feel so special, and I'm glad he didn't rhyme "links" with "stinks".

Reading funnies on Samantha Burns,
To have a good laugh is what everybody yearns.
She gives us good articles and great links,
I keep coming back cuz I like how she thinks.

Drink some tequila and lets have some fun,
In this blog we'll make fun of everyone!

Give the finger to the moron of the week,
Screw the kids, recycle your pets.
No rhymes here. Please, don't think I'm a freak.

-Alexander Wunderlich, Nukes And Candy.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Related: The disrespectful and ignorant film "Death of a President" travels around, wins awards, and will be hitting US theatres soon.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink

YMCA the Muslim Way

Tea Partay

Today's poll

Take No More Prisoners

Chow Down: Justice For Americans!

It’s Ramadan?????

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

Hat Tip: Cyber Chocolate for this potty break quiz.

What Your Bathroom Habits Say About You

You are very independent and self-centered. You don't solve other people's problems - and you don't expect them to solve yours. Your idea of fashion is jeans and a t-shirt. Clean, if you're lucky. You have the perfect blend of confidence and class. You're proud of who you are - but you don't broadcast it. In relationships, you tend to be very romantic and demanding. You'll treat your partner like gold, but you expect a lot in return.

Yes, to all except the jeans and t-shirt thing, and the very romantic bologna.

I'm one who believes treating your partner like a king means you deserve the same respect. But, I'm also very independent, so give me my space, lol.

I guess your sh*t really tells a lot about you.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Part of Sextravaganza Week, and just in time for the upcoming holidays.

You can flip out your relations when they come for their holiday visits with these cookies and bread treats: gingerbread kama sutra.

You know, the Gingerbread Man was one of my favourite stories told to me as a kid, but this is taking it to a whole other level. I believe in the story, the gingerbread man ends up sitting on the fox's head, but I never considered what that looked like in this sort of reference.

Hat Tip: This naughty link was discovered at Drunken Monkey Style Blogging.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:03 PM | Permalink

Shock & Blog shares this amazing natural wonder with us. It just seems to go right along with Sextravaganza Week, eh.

Here's the story:

A cave in Sequoia National Park contains breathtaking rock formations

Now check out this pic (please empty contents of mouth before viewing to prevent damage to your computer screen):

A picture of Ursa Minor

Notice anything about the stalagmites, particularly that one towards the middle bottom?

You've just gotta love nature. It's a true testament to all that man stands for... uhhhh... so to speak.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink

Related: Basil's Blog sums up the Right Wing News vs. My Vast Right Wing Conspiracy scandal rather nicely with links to the Boobygate itself.

From my perspective, it's all in good fun, so no disrespect meant to either RWN or MVRWC.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The White Stripes on the Simpsons

Now this is just wrong...

Hung like a horse in a whole new light

Peace Mom: Taking Tragedy to the Bank

Roots of Islamo-Fascism Predate Israeli State: a Pact With Hitler

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

I'd have to say, yes.

Amy Singing to Gwen Stefani

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Sam's Sextravaganza presents... Penis Pasta.

Perhaps I'd like pasta just a little bit more if I had Penis Pasta on my shelf.

And, some guys out there, treat yourself to some After Dinner Nipples.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink

Seeing as Blogger Boobygate is choking everyone up, I thought I'd add to the plot by providing my own week-long Sextravaganza.

Now, as most of you probably already know, I'm not one to enter into a Blog conflict, but when I do, it usually dissipates rather quickly. So, for this one, I'm not intending to hurt anyone's feelings or tick anyone off, but I am going to have a bit o' fun.

I mean, for one thing, you all know that I am not one to shy away from showing a half-naked Pamela Anderson or from talking about sex and sexuality.

I guess that's all part of this blogger's personality.

And, I probably wouldn't Boob Blog myself, but I'm not below exploiting others or discussing things of a naughty nature. But, I guess I should mention that I primarily wouldn't Vlog (video blog) because I don't have the equipment (and by equipment, I mean camcorder, not breasts - I have breasts, two nice, juicy, plump ones, too. Lol.).

Anyhow, for those of you who don't know about Blogger Boobygate, Tits For Hits, or any of that other sexy stuff, here's a little history for you.

If you haven't seen these tantalizing and feisty links, now's your chance (I'll let you know when it may be NSFW).

A little history about Blogger Boobygate, not to be confused with the NSFW Janet Jackson Boobygate:

August 23, 2006 11:36 AM: It all started (for all intents and purposes) with this possibly NSFW? video: ATLAS VLOGS from the Beach. Politics Central shows the whole video here.

August 23, 2006: Then, Beth from My Vast Right Wing Conspiracy explains her disgust with using the physical (sex sells) to gain traffic hits, aka Tits Equals Hits.

August 24, 2006: Right Wing News discusses video blogging and how, at present, it is primarily a female forum (with pictures of some sexy bloggers in his post).

August 24, 2006: And, here at The Phish Bowl you can watch a great NSFW? spoof of that video clip (not sure if Phin created it or not, but you can find the video there).

Then, all seemed to settle for a few days until...

September 04, 2006: NSFW? Atlas Labor Day Vlog

-------
CROCODILE HUNTER DIES - Not related but....
-------

September 6, 2006: Right Thoughts takes a little advantage of this phenomenon by creating his sexy NSFW post, Tits Equal Hits, or Crazy Blog Money! Ya, no one is listening and audio, what audio?

A few more days go by....

September 15, 2006: Althouse discusses the bosomy photo of an intern with Bill Clinton in the article, Let's take a closer look at those breasts.

September 18, 2006: Right Thoughts is at it again with NSFW Tits For Hits 2 - Ice, Ice, Baby

September 18, 2006: And, Right Wing News shares his perspective with the article, Blogger Boobygate!, which starts another uprising.

September 19, 2006: With MVRWC being repulsed by the whole sex appeal blogging thing in the article, Y’know, I don’t know why the hell I even bother.

September 19, 2006: Rage flows some more at MVRWC with Show Us The Bulge, Bitch.

Sept 19, 2006: RWN responds here to MVRWC, as well as further's his opinion of female bloggers in Shocking Truth Revealed! Attractive Women Can Use Their Looks To Get Traffic

September 21st, 2006: Perhaps Still Stacy has shed some light on why many female bloggers dislike Pamela from Atlas Shrugs in this EXPLANATION???

Of course, I'm sure this is not the end of it, and there are numerous other blogs out there talking about it, but this is my short history of events for you.

And, there you have the kick off to Sam's Sextravaganza Week.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink

‘Show Off!’

Wake you up in (geeky) style

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

Please click some blogads to support this site.

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Play Diane's Stuff's Dead Guy on the Sidebar or finger others at FNFO.

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Posted by Samantha at 08:00 PM | Permalink

At least, that's my lamentable prediction after they have the meeting on Monday:

Pope invites envoys of Muslim states to meeting.

He better have a good squad at his back to diffuse the bombs before they go off.

And, in other news of death, it seems the Tequila man died: The Man Who Shouted `tequila! Dead at 77.

Imagine, gaining wealth off shouting one, single word. Wouldn't it be nice?

Here's my attempt: VODKA!

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

ALI G - ANDY ROONEY

ALI G - TRUMP

ALI G - BUZZ ALDRIN

Okay, that's enough of that.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Duh, you'd think they would have checked out this sh*t before they made a whole frickin' show out of it.

Supernova forced to change name to Rock Star Supernova

Not that I care much - a band with rock n' roll leftovers isn't much of a band.

With that said, they should have sought the name RockStar SuperScraps.

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