The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

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Posted by Samantha at 08:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Here's a game that's pretty simple to do, but fun to beat up on Superman.

Invasion of the Space Invaders From Outer Space Episode 1

I harvested 177 earthlings before I gave up and moved onto something else.

How well will you do?

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink

If you've seen the Paris Hilton video and want to learn more about it, this is the place to go.

And, if you don't want to learn more about it, but need a good laugh at moron Hilton's expense, then you can also go here: POP SLUT VIDEO: Stars Are Blind

I think I got an STD just watching that.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

This post written in sudden haste by Lostinlimaohio, and approved by Sam where permitted by law.

I was going to enlighten you all about the man found sleeping in a video store wearing nothing, but women's underwear and the stores curtain, except something happened that demands I write about this instead.

I was spending the day avoiding work at every possible moment when I ran out of Bubb-a-loons. Since I was half way done making a complete 3 generation bubble family, I knew that I had to make a quick run to the corner store for more.

That's when it happened.

I was preparing to make a right turn into the parking lot when some complete idiot attempted to pass me... by going around the RIGHT side of me. Not right as in the correct side, but right as in opposite of left.

Now, I am no wonderful driver, but this woman, well she's the poster child for why women should be banned from driving. It wasn't just that she attempted to hospitalize me, via attempting to ram the rear right side of my mommavan, but then she FLICKED me off.

Sadly, had my window up so she couldn't hear me yelling and cussing at her. However, I have a great chance now to explain to the rest of the horrid women drivers just how their driving skills, or lack of, effects the rest of us. Enjoy.

Dear Stupid Women Drivers,

You are the very reason why posts like this ring so true. What most people don't know is that you are the real reason why those middle east people demand that their women be driven around by little boys.
Just how hard is it to not attempt to kill someone while sitting behind the wheel of a car? Why is it that you feel the need to use those car keys when you know that more than likely, all you're going to do is help create more images like this?

Please, for the sake of those of us that can drive, get off the road. You're embarrassing us all, not to mention you make a quick trip to the store to buy more Bubb-a-loon a Fear Factor-like challange.

Contributed by Lostinlimaohio

PS - this may be what get's Lilo fired one day...

Bubb-a-loons: His name is Fred.

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Posted by lostinlimaohio at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

A lot of you have been waiting for this, so I thought I'd better pull it off for you.

This week's moron is Mel Gibson, which means that Dragonlady's World guessed it correctly and is the winner.

Congratulations Dragonlady's World for knowing that Mel "The Drunken Lunatic" Gibson is a moron.

Of course, if you've watched that South Park episode, you'd know that long before his anti-semitic DUI remarks, Mel Gibson was a moron.

For instance, he was a nutball when it came to the Oscars and planned to promote his movie, Apocolypto, by taping a message while speaking Mayan:

"The New York Post's Page Six says that Time magazine says that Mel Gibson says that he'll appear tonight on the Oscars in a taped message. Speaking Maya.

Gibson says he's not going to tone down his antics. "After what I experienced with 'The Passion,' I frankly don't give a flying f - - - about much of what they think," he told Time."

Him stumbling over a language no one watching could recognise.

Duh.

And, he elected to make that movie into a propaganda piece, acknowledged especially after he blurted out,

"Film star and director MEL GIBSON has launched a scathing attack on US President GEORGE W BUSH, comparing his leadership to the barbaric rulers of the Mayan civilisation in his new film APOCALYPTO."

And booze.

Moron Mel doesn't stop there, either. When it comes to the after-effects of his controversial film The Passion Of Christ, he had it out for a columnist, Frank Rich, and even threatened the guy's life:

About Frank Rich, the New York Times columnist who implied Gibson's father is "a Holocaust denier," the director had some choice – and inflammatory – words: "I want to kill him. I want his intestines on a stick. I want to kill his dog."

But, then again, it seems that Mel's a shining example of hypocrisy when it comes to all things religious.

How many commandments have you broken now, Mel?

Whatever, phoney. Like, for instance, his probable breaking of marriage vows to his wife before his God and everyone when he mentions that his wife could be going to h*ll:

Mel Gibson has come under fire for being hard on Jews in his film “The Passion of the Christ� — but apparently, he feels that Protestants are also doomed to damnation. In fact, it looks like Gibson, a conservative Catholic, believes that his Episcopalian wife could be going to hell.

Gibson was interviewed by the Herald Sun in Australia, and the reporter asked the star if Protestants are denied eternal salvation. “There is no salvation for those outside the Church,� Gibson replied. “I believe it.�

And, his hypocrisies go further with his wife as it is speculated that he once cheated on her:

MEL GIBSON is bracing himself for another controversy after a little-known actress has claimed the Hollywood star cheated on his wife with her 15 years ago.

Oh, and let's not forget his broken commandments when he went on his drunken spree, slurring anti-semitic sentiments.

The report says Gibson told the deputy, "You mother f****r. I'm going to f*** you." The report also says "Gibson almost continually [sic] threatened me saying he 'owns Malibu' and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me."

The report says Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: "F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Gibson then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?"

Moron.

I think the funniest part about the whole moron Mel thing is this note, which I leave you on... despite all his anti-semitism, Mel almost got a circumcision. Okay, there was actually an incident with a knife at a restaurant, but you get the point.

Hunky Australian actor MEL GIBSON endured a harrowing accident in a restaurant recently - which almost cost him his penis.

The LETHAL WEAPON action man was dining with friends in Santa Monica, California when a waiter accidentally dropped a knife in his lap, leaving the famous actor with a wound gushing blood from his thigh.

Anyhow, congrats again to Dragonlady's World for winning it.

More on the Moron:

Mel Gibson DUI in 1:30
Mel Gibson
Mel Gibson's Blog
Watch Mel Go From Hunk to Drunk
Mel Gibson: The Mug Shot
Denis Leary and Lenny Clarke poke fun at Mel
Mel Gibson's SIGNS of anti-semitism
Retardedly funny
Gibson Blames Jews For Spiking His Communion Wine
Islamists cite inebriated Mel Gibson as key foreign policy source
MEL GIBSON RESHOT CHRIST SCENES IN PORN MECCA
GIBSON STOPPED FOR RECKLESS DRIVING BEFORE
GIBSON SELLS MANSION BECAUSE OF SPEARS
GIBSON TURNS DOWN RABBI'S OFFER
GIBSON PLANNING JEWISH MOVIE
Stalker jailed for three years after trying to pray with Mel Gibson
Mel Gibson in firestorm of bad publicity
GIBSON SLAMMED FOR DEFENDING DAD'S HOLOCAUST DENIAL
Gibson apologizes for behavior
Mel Gibson sorry for drunk driving not for hating jews
Mel Gibson to Change Name from Mel Gibson to Mel Gibson

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Weatherman meets Maggot

HEZBOLLAH HAS FEAR OF GOD THRUST UPON THEM

Jobs Are Overrated

Identify Your God

Chavez Takes Bait, Furthering Diabolical Cheney Conspiracy

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Wanna find out what kind of drunk you are?

Here are the alcohoroscopes.

And, here's mine:

Drinking style:

Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

Okay, it's all true, but I'm still going to pretend to be offended.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

123beta sent these my way some time ago when they were fresh to help me out when I couldn't blog as frequently. But, I wasn't around the computer to post them, so here they are now.

Pregnant man?

Ew.

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

Songs we can do without. Forever.

I concur. I mean, really, I concur wholeheartedly.

Impersonating a pussy...

That's funny. What a brat.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink

The story that made me laugh the most today:

RUSSIA REJECTS PROPOSAL TO SEND MADONNA INTO SPACE....

MR.BIG's retort: "Please, oh please do it."

The proposal: what do you all say that if Russia doesn't reconsider, then we start another war with them?

Can we have a consensus?

Sounds like rather religious and political reasoning why they won't have her on board at this time. One State Duma member said,

"Because of the television possibilities, it would be a pretty serious event in the year of elections in the United States and Russia."

"Taking into account her good physical preparedness and financial capabilities, the dream of (Madonna) Louise Ciccone of a space flight could be realized in 2009," Panarin was quoted as saying.

Like many Russians, he didn't use the 48-year-old pop singer's first name, apparently sensitive to the Russian Orthodox Church's objections to her use of religious imagery, especially crucifixion, in her "Confessions" world tour performances.

Maybe if we chip in a few extra bucks, they'll reconsider.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

POSSIBLY. MAYBE. PERHAPS. IT COULD.

Hold Your Breath!

Path To 9/11: The Home Game!

Sean Penn in trouble for smoking?

One Arab’s Apology

More On Alleged Dirty Bomb Threat

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

Need to lighten the mood of this death-themed day.

Test your subconscience.

I'll bet you're a horny pervert.

Let me know if I'm right or wrong.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Story here
Eye witness accounts
Video report
Photoslides

Dawson College was the scene of panic today as two gunmen went on a rampage shooting students. What isn't clear yet is if this is a Al Qaeda-style terrorist related plot or not yet. Early reports indicate that one killed himself, and the other was shot by police. A third gunmen might be on the loose.

*UPDATE* Reports say one gunman was wearing a long trench coat; "Gothic looking"; had part of head shaved. Columbine?

*UPDATE* Huge black boots with gun walking in broad daylight. Studs and piercings. "Retarded head cut". white, approximately 19 years old. Stereo-typical Goth look. Machine gun??

*UPDATE* Believed: 4 dead; 16 injured.

*UPDATE* Story has changed. Only one gunmen dead. SWAT team called in to search for other possible suspects.

*UPDATE* "Retarded haircut" is actually a Mowhawk. Killer dressed in black. Sounds more punk than goth. No other confirmed gunmen yet. Claiming 20 injured, some critical, uncertain how many are fatal.

*UPDATE* Murderer sprayed bullets at entrance. Four people dropped and killer continued to enter building. Killer shot by police and did not shoot himself. Shot at both men and woman according to accounts. Both men and women seen leaving in ambulances.

*UPDATE* Started at 12:45 EST. Secondary sweep to find any students that might still be hiding. Two Metro stations closed.

*UPDATE* 13 people taken to Montreal General. 6 in critical condition, 2 in serious, 4 in stable. Some others considered less critical went to Royal Victorian hospital.

*UPDATE* Parents and family can call police at 514-280-2880 and alternatively 514-280-2805, 514-280-2806.

*UPDATE* Semi-automatic used, not full automatic.

*UPDATE* Latest numbers: One woman confirmed dead; 20 others injured.

*UPDATE* Sad news: Two woman confirmed dead; 19 others injured. One of the women died in the hospital. Up to 8 people remain in critical condition.

*UPDATE* Gotta love the news, eh. How distorted after 20 billion updates. This one: A gunman with a Mohawk haircut and black clothing opened fire inside Montreal's Dawson College on Wednesday, killing one woman and wounding 19 others, before police fatally shot him.

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Posted by MrBig at 11:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Here are 20 Things You Didn't Know About... Death or maybe you do and they're just being facetious.

These are a few of them:

No American has died of old age since 1951.

That was the year the government eliminated that classification on death certificates.

Within three days of death, the enzymes that once digested your dinner begin to eat you. Ruptured cells become food for living bacteria in the gut, which release enough noxious gas to bloat the body and force the eyes to bulge outward.

It's a Glass House that some old dude made using 500,000 embalming fluid bottles.

He actually lived in that place.

This site has a better description and history of the place.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I doubt any of these have happened, but I thought I'd share some ways of dying that I think would be truly horrific.

1. Having a heart attack from the shock of being caught by your boss as you whack off in your cubicle at work. (Speaking of cubicles)

2. Getting out of your car with your seatbelt on, which causes you to plummet face first into the ground, cracking your skull.

3. You go to moon a pedestrian from the backseat of your friend's car, and your butt ends up hitting a passing street sign. Now, that may be bad, but what really seals the deal is that the impact of your butt hitting the pole causes your friend to lose control of the car, which goes into a fishtail, does a few 360s, and crashes into a telephone pole, killing everyone inside.

4. [Some men may fear this one] You go for a massage at your local parlour when the table you are laying on face down collapses and severs your penis, and while you're running around screaming in agony, shouting for help, you slip on some body oil that fell to the floor, smacking your head, which causes you to die.

5. You decide, for the first time in your life, you're going to do something naughty and you go to a porn peep show. As you run in quickly while nervously looking around, your feet skid on something slippery below you, making you lose balance, and you fall and knock yourself dead.

6. You fart in front of a date you really like, but are so embarrassed that you run away, but it's raining outside and an electrical wire is dangling in a nearby puddle of water, but you don't see it and you slip from the water and fall right into the electrical death trap.

7. You tell your grandpa the funniest joke you've ever told in your life, and he's laughing like mad, and you're laughing like mad, and all of a sudden his dentures go flying out of his mouth, and unfortunately find their way into yours, getting lodged in your throat, causing you to choke to death.

8. Similarly, you have a nasty habit of eating ABC gum (already been chewed), and you see a piece laying on the nightstand beside your friend's bed. You put it in your mouth, but it tastes funkier than usual and as you go to spit it out, but you begin choking on it and it kills you. Autopsy later determines that this piece of "gum" is actually a used condom.

9. You went to a wicked party the other night, and the next morning you're still drunk (ya, it was that good). You run your shower and step in, but oops, you sh*t in the shower. As you try to avoid the turd by jumping out of the shower without touching it, you slip and smash your head against the wall, rendering yourself lifeless.

10. [Wouldn't doubt if some women fear this] You happen to get a trigger happy security guard at the airport, and he shoots you down without thinking when your vibrator goes off in your suitcase.

Got any others? Dave D's always genius at these.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

10 Worst Company Domains

Coming to a theatre near you…..ooooohh..aaahhhh

ROOSTING CHICKENS

Fight for Peace (1991)

Take Your "We Are All Americans" Headline And Shove It, France

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

I think this would be the perfect gift for gun nuts like The Conservative UAW Guy or GN'R fans like me (you know, before Axl Rose f*cked it up).

Here is a gun table vase.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

You are searching for nudists or something, huh? I've decided to be nice to my readers and I've found a non-scam site where you can view your "needs". Just follow the link link here. Now back to the article...

Probably one of the more funny games I've seen around, and one that can get somewhat addictive.

Nudist Trampolining

Not exactly the most attractive nudist you'd want to see, but nonetheless, there it is.

My score, although I'm sure I could have done better: 439

I'm just thanking my lucky stars the fig leaf didn't fall off.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Related: Sandy Berger, Bill Clinton, and Madeleine Albright oppose "The Path to 9/11".

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Posted by Samantha at 09:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Congratulations on last week's win, Still Stacy.

Still Stacy guessed correctly that Jesse Jackson was, is, and probably always will be a moron.

So, will Still Stacy be able to hold the throne this week, or will you be the next to win the Moron of the Week?

Good luck to everyone.

Here is the standard info for the game:

To your right is the Moron Of The Week posting from which you will be able to guess who you believe is the moron in the picture, then submit your answer in the comment section of this article. On Friday, I will provide the correct answer along with a link to the winning guess's site. Will you be the winner this week?

PS - this isn't going to be easy as there is no shortage of morons out there: politicians, journalists, celebrities, frothing-at-the-mouth moonbats, and the like.

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The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns: Intro To Moron Of The Week #49 [by Pentimento]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Time Travel in 100 Words or Less

If you're up for a little laugh at the expense of Steve "the crocodile hunter" Irwin, CRIKEY!!!!!!!!!!

Somali government negotiates power-sharing with Islamists

So A Guy From the AP Was On Saddam’s Payroll Too…

September 11 Tribute: Clement Fumando

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

If you tried to get in to my place yesterday and were rejected, it's not because I don't love you - I still do.

I switched to a new server host not too long ago, and at first they were fine, but now, they suck donkey balls. So, I'm going to have to move yet again, and hopefully find a place that actually does their job, and does their job well.

Since just about nobody got in yesterday to read my stuff, I'm reposting it today, and hopefully we'll get more Moron of the Week guesses, as well as people checking out the links and seeing all that fun stuff I posted yesterday.

This post will remain on top today; scroll down for more Sam.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

This is just a post of remembrance to all those who lost their lives, and those who lost their loved ones, to extremist evil.

A lot of people need a lot of support to get through the day, so please be kind to your fellow man, woman, and child.

Unless, of course, the people you come across are terrorists, then you can kick their arses (or worse).

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Posted by Samantha at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)