The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

I doubt any of these have happened, but I thought I'd share some ways of dying that I think would be truly horrific.

1. Having a heart attack from the shock of being caught by your boss as you whack off in your cubicle at work. (Speaking of cubicles)

2. Getting out of your car with your seatbelt on, which causes you to plummet face first into the ground, cracking your skull.

3. You go to moon a pedestrian from the backseat of your friend's car, and your butt ends up hitting a passing street sign. Now, that may be bad, but what really seals the deal is that the impact of your butt hitting the pole causes your friend to lose control of the car, which goes into a fishtail, does a few 360s, and crashes into a telephone pole, killing everyone inside.

4. [Some men may fear this one] You go for a massage at your local parlour when the table you are laying on face down collapses and severs your penis, and while you're running around screaming in agony, shouting for help, you slip on some body oil that fell to the floor, smacking your head, which causes you to die.

5. You decide, for the first time in your life, you're going to do something naughty and you go to a porn peep show. As you run in quickly while nervously looking around, your feet skid on something slippery below you, making you lose balance, and you fall and knock yourself dead.

6. You fart in front of a date you really like, but are so embarrassed that you run away, but it's raining outside and an electrical wire is dangling in a nearby puddle of water, but you don't see it and you slip from the water and fall right into the electrical death trap.

7. You tell your grandpa the funniest joke you've ever told in your life, and he's laughing like mad, and you're laughing like mad, and all of a sudden his dentures go flying out of his mouth, and unfortunately find their way into yours, getting lodged in your throat, causing you to choke to death.

8. Similarly, you have a nasty habit of eating ABC gum (already been chewed), and you see a piece laying on the nightstand beside your friend's bed. You put it in your mouth, but it tastes funkier than usual and as you go to spit it out, but you begin choking on it and it kills you. Autopsy later determines that this piece of "gum" is actually a used condom.

9. You went to a wicked party the other night, and the next morning you're still drunk (ya, it was that good). You run your shower and step in, but oops, you sh*t in the shower. As you try to avoid the turd by jumping out of the shower without touching it, you slip and smash your head against the wall, rendering yourself lifeless.

10. [Wouldn't doubt if some women fear this] You happen to get a trigger happy security guard at the airport, and he shoots you down without thinking when your vibrator goes off in your suitcase.

Got any others? Dave D's always genius at these.