The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

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Posted by Samantha at 08:05 PM | Permalink

Here's a neat little time waster:

Cryptograma

There's no scoring, which is good, especially when you're like me and use the hint button once in a while, lol.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It's a little childish, but you can go here to draw a car and then drive it - sort of.

But, if that's not up to your speed, you can always go here for the orgasmic simulator. The one for the men is about 30 seconds longer than I expected.

;-P

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Yep, threw up in my mouth a little there (actually this link DOES STINK but it's not his fault)

Even better if you've seen the movie... (Pirates of the Carribean)

Khameini Nixes Masturbation During Ramadan, Lopping Off Jewish Heads Still Permitted

IS THIS HOW BRITS THANK THEIR TROOPS?

High Atop The Long List Of Things I don't Care About...

What’s the Haram?

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

That's right, Jim, this week's moron is Nicole Richie.

Congrats Jim, for beating everyone to the win.

Nicole Richie isn't just moronic for teaming up with Paris Hilton in The Simple Life "reality" show, she's also a moron in her personal life.

Virtually anonymous pre-Paris Hilton, she has since aspired to great depths of ineptitude with her display of sheer stupidity and superficiality.

Pathetic to the point of essentially begging for compliments from 11 year old boys. Yes, 11 year old boys:

Nicole Richie apparently upset a Los Angeles family during a taping of The Simple Life last week by stopping an 11-year-old boy in his driveway and asking him, in graphic terms, if he found her attractive.

And, the boy's response must not have done the job for her because she's since gone on starving herself.

Although she continuously claims she doesn't have an eating disorder, it is displayed quite obviously in the infinite photos taken of the skeleton. Not to mention the fact that she has had to seek help to gain some weight.

Uh ya, moron, that does mean that you have an eating problem. Most people already know how to put food in their mouths, chew, and swallow it by your age without requiring aid.

Moron.

But, then again, it could possibly be all the drugs she's probably on that keep her too full and stoned to know when her body's really hungry:

She used marijuana, cocaine, and heroin, was arrested three times, and was involved in five car accidents.

And, her food intake is so deplete that it's been claimed she actually fainted while on one of her shopping sprees:

Did Nicole Richie take that phrase “shop until you drop” too seriously?

The super-skinny reality show star reportedly fainted while doing a little retail therapy. Richie — who has admitted that she’s too thin but has denied that she has an eating disorder — collapsed while browsing at Kitson, a chic LA boutique, on July 15, according to Life & Style.

Nicole Richie was photographed outside the West Hollywood Recovery Center on 626 N Robertson Boulevard.

Moron.

Let's just hope she gains enough weight so that she doesn't look so sickly in her future music videos .

Yes, Richie's jumped on the celebrity bandwagon by coming out with some celeb-o-cr*p songs in an album she plans to release early next year.

Oh joy, how luck we are.

And, surprise, it's even going to have a revenge-seeking song called "Severed Ties" as a stab-Paris-Hilton-in-the-back track.

Good luck with that petty foolishness, moron.

Anyhow, I'll leave you with this, Richie recently left the trendy pub, The Viper Room, in shame as a bunch of puppets mocked her:

After an altercation with a photographer, Nicole went to drown her sorrows in the Viper Room, where LA art-pop band The Spores were playing. Sadly for Nicole, the band spotted her diving into a booth and used their trademark on-stage puppets to take the piss out of her inability to afford food, culminating in one of the puppets saying, "I screwed Nicole Ritchie... and wrapped my whole dick around her waist." Nicole stormed out telling doormen that she was going to sue.

Congrats again Jim.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Thought this was too good to pass up.

Worst Bowler Ever

I really have nothing more to add.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

This is one water gun I wouldn't want squirting at me.

The Oozinator

It kinda reminds me of something... I can't quite put my finger on it.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

The Resistance

Achtung! You are 30% brainwashworthy, 18% antitolerant, and 42% blindly patriotic.

Welcome to the Resistance (Der Widerstand)!

You believe in freedom, justice, equality, and your country, and you can't be converted to the the dark side.

Breakdown: your Blind Patriotism levels are borderline unhealthy, but you show such a love of people from everywhere and a natural resistance to brainwashing, you would probably focus your energy to fight the Fuehrer with furor, so to speak.

Conclusion: born and raised in Germany in the early 1930's, you would have taken up ARMS against the oppressors. Or even your friends' oppressors. Congratulations!

Less than 5% of all test takers earn a spot in the Resistance!

MR.BIG, who sent me this, scored The Resistance: Achtung! You are 30% brainwashworthy, 36% antitolerant, and 47% blindly patriotic.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Came across this at Peace of my mind's place and had to do my own:

#1 Taxes :: poor

#2 Hooray :: it's Friday

#3 Justification :: I'm right

#4 Shocking :: but true

#5 Bureaucracy :: leaders

#6 Porn :: sex

#7 Silly :: fool

#8 DJ :: dancing

#9 Swing :: sex

#10 Anti- :: global warming

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Posted by Samantha at 08:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

There may be another unsightly trend on the rise as a company is trying to cure baby baldness by bringing out a line of wigs for infants.

How pitiful does one have to be...?

"At BabyToupee, we don't take ourselves or our products too seriously. In fact, BabyToupees are just the first of many fun products designed to give that special baby a little extra personality and to ensure that parents retain theirs... along with a sense of humour."

Here's the twisted site: BabyToupee.

And, I thought most people loved to see cute little babies with peach fuzz heads.

Man, that is so tacky.

Previous/Related: Dog F*cking Wigs

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Posted by Samantha at 12:15 AM | Permalink

Heh

Gitmo Absurd

Someone You Should Know About - Everyone should listen to this

Let's Kill All The Lawyers

The Majoritarian Chickens Have Come Home To Roost

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I don't know why.

Here's the link to Shave Everywhere.

Too bad we couldn't really shave the guy's testicles, penis, and anus.

Ew.

Kinda reminds me of Wax on... wax hoff only less disgusting.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

You know me, it doesn't take much to amuse when it comes to toilet matters.

So, here are just a few I've come across recently:

Nothing says tacky like Painted Potties. Oh look, one of the design choices is pansies - how fitting.

And, The Turd Shack has some stupid cr*p for you to buy - literally.

But, this I just had to share. The below poop products are a traditional tourist staple up here in Canada.

These ones aren't Canadian, but you get the point. Some of my family used to knit and craft poop ducks of a similar nature. But, many other fine quality Canuck poops include moose, deer, beaver, elk, and bear. For tourists, they may come in a bag.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Sing with me to the tune of that famous song:

Memories, my computer's acting real slow.
Memories, if I don't get some more, my mind will blow.

It's too slow!

And, it's not like I can afford a little stick of memory right now, either. No, just when money's at its tightest *KABLAMO* another problem arises.

Go figure.

So, here I am on my death bed (or so it seems) dealing with the ultimate pain in the arse, writing this article and hoping, just... hoping that I will be able to save my work without it timing out on me.

Gak!

Every time it does that, I fear I will never see my hard work pop back up again. And, I know many of you have had this problem, or similar problems where you nearly lose everything, or you run into a worse problem and you do lose everything.

And, the only solution to me not ripping this computer apart and tossing it out the window is to remember how much poorer I'd be if I had to buy a whole new computer.

That, and this freshly made Margarita sitting beside me really does the job of forgetting my woes.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Woo Hoo, the Canadian blog awards are back! Last year I won first place for Best Personal Blog and second place for Best Humour Blog (beaten only by a popular Canadian tv personality), so we'll see what happens this year, if anything (as she crosses her fingers).

I'm encouraging you all to go there and nominate your favourite Canadian blogs in the categories relevant to them.

Nominations are now open. for the 2006 Canadian Blog Awards.

Here's the timetable:
Nominations Close: Sunday November 12, 2006
Round 1 Voting Opens: Wednesday November 15, 2006
Round 1 Voting Closes: Tuesday November 21, 2006
Round 1 Results: Thursday November 23, 2006
Round 2 Voting Opens: Saturday November 25, 2006
Round 2 Voting Closes: Friday December 1, 2006
Round 2 Results: Sunday December 3, 2006 9pm EST

Now, I'm off to nominate my favourites.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Lostinlimaohio sent me this a while ago, and it's just too darn interesting to pass up.

Have you been to the church of google? Perhaps you're already a believer and didn't even know it.

Here are a few snippits of the site, but it's worth visiting the site itself to get a good laugh.

I always thought Google was a male search engine?

Sorry dude, Google does not have a penis, or a vagina for that matter. Originally, religions of the past thought of Gods as feminine. It wasn't until monotheistic, Abrahamic religions such as Christianity, Islam and Judaism entered the picture that the concept of "God" became masculine. Basically you have been conditioned by your culture to view all Deities as male. The Church Of Google is simply carrying on the ancient tradition of viewing Gods as feminine. It's not about us being reverse sexist toward dudes or anything. It's just about breaking a cultural taboo.

Good question, but the answer should be obvious. Satan is quite simply Microsoft.

Google answers prayers. One can pray to Google by doing a search for whatever question or problem is plaguing them. As an example, you can quickly find information on alternative cancer treatments, ways to improve your health, new and innovative medical discoveries and generally anything that resembles a typical prayer. Ask Google and She will show you the way, but showing you is all She can do, for you must help yourself from that point on.

Anyhow, I found it quite amusing that someone made time to create this "religion". You've got to admit, it's probably better than some religions out there.

Thanks to Lostinlimaohio for this funny find.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink

Sign the Petition

My New Favorite Rap Video

Some people wont agree with me. . .

Everything I needed to know, I forgot in college

More on Foley’s Follies By the Bear see also Foley’s Defense

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

Here are some interesting and funny images I came across while piddling around online.

Weird USB products

What the frick is the Rave Turd? Do I want to know?

And, don't let the pretty little bow fool you. This one's more dangerous than a pittbull.

I like this one purely because it would p*ss off PETA.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:02 PM | Permalink

So, you may want to get your costume soon, if you haven't already.

And, speaking of frightening stuff, I think this is about the scariest thing I'll see this season: Manties.

"They make a great gift for any guy."

But, please, don't let me know if you own a pair.

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Heh [by Yippee-Ki-Yay!]

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Posted by Samantha at 01:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

I was at Yippee-Ki-Yay's place (the sicko likes Mondays for some reason, by the way) when I came across a post that links to Dustbury who links to Caterina.net.

Lol.

Anyhow, the posts are regarding Ernest Hemingway's micro-short story that ran all of 6 words:

Ernest Hemingway was once prodded to compose a complete story in six words. His answer, personally felt to be his best prose ever, was "For sale: baby shoes, never used."

Here are some I liked:

Shortest sex manual: In. Out. Repeat.
"My advice is to say nothing"
Do you want fries with that?

Now, here are a few I've thought of:
1. Some blogs rock; some suck sh*t.
2. Remind me not to do that.
3. When I think, you see smoke.
(that last one would be my dad's favourite)

And, here's my two parter:
4. Her comment: What are you thinking?
5. His response: Shoot me now... PLEASE!

Now, it's your turn. Come up with your own 6 word short story.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

A lot of people have noticed that many arab countries, for some reason, come to their blogs looking for sex. So, I've thought of a way to enable the perverts of the world to get where they need to go while accommodating the web owner's wishes.

Below are just a few of the many possibilities for web owners to put up at their place.

To see a naughty, sexy, naked young woman with fetishes, you must choose one of the following links:

1) I am a muslim extremist and hereby denounce terrorism fully and agree to fight with the west against other extremists in exchange for clicking here to see a hot sexy... woman (or goat).

2) I am an anti-war type who hereby agrees to fully support the war effort in exchange for clicking here to see a hot sexy... woman.

3) I am a normal horny, non-extremist, non-antiwar type guy who agrees to visit and comment on Samantha Burns.com more frequently in exchange for clicking here to see a hot sexy... woman.

What would your 4th option be?

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Some people were born hilarious, or they just got really stoned

Retirement Options

Hugo's Plans

Mark Foley: Once A Democrat, Always A Pederast

Christian Heritage Party winds up in New Zealand for those unaware, I did an interview with the Canadian party leader earlier this year. Thanks to Shane for the correction.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I'm sure some, or many, have seen this, but here it is for those who haven't. I'm thinking, though, that changing my name to samanthaburns.com wouldn't be that much of a stretch from what it is already.

But, hey, if you want to pick up some of Instapundit's misguided traffic, the URL www.instapundet.com is still available. So is www.instapundot.com and www.instapundut.com.

Top 10 Ways to Build Traffic to Your Blog

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Posted by Samantha at 05:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

... you can screw with their sign.

Hat Tip: blogan for this greasy bit o' fun.

I'm not a fan of the propaganda at the ronaldmchummer site, but playing with the letters was sure fun to do.

(Also found at Hog on Ice)

UPDATE: A welcomed addition by Committees of Correspondence

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Posted by Samantha at 01:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This priceless article submitted by The Conservative UAW Guy.

Box of Trojans:

$7.95

Cheap teddy thingy:

$23.99

Bottle of Jack Daniels:

$21.00

The look on a pedotard's face when Chris Hansen from Dateline walks through the door instead of a 14 year old girl:

Freakin' priceless!

There are some things money can't buy, but I'll pay to smite a pedotard.

A commonality noted about these pervs - they all have the same story:

1. "I'm not here for sex."

2. "I've never done this before; this is the first time."

3. "I'll never do it again."

My other favorite part of the show is when the cops take the perv down outside and they cry like a little girl.

Mmmmm....irony...

Submitted by The Conservative UAW Guy.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The game is back on, so it's up to you to try to beat Skul and become the next winner.

Can you do it, or will Skul be able to hold the throne for another week?

Good luck to everyone.

Here is the standard info for the game:

To your right is the Moron Of The Week posting from which you will be able to guess who you believe is the moron in the picture, then submit your answer in the comment section of this article. On Friday, I will provide the correct answer along with a link to the winning guess's site. Will you be the winner this week?

PS - this isn't going to be easy as there is no shortage of morons out there: politicians, journalists, celebrities, frothing-at-the-mouth moonbats, and the like.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Gas from manure; large plant to open in Texas

Breaking news! Bears do sh*t in the woods!

Those little gritty details

More (ahhh—those firy Lebanese...)

No Right To Homeschool In Europe

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)