The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

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Posted by Samantha at 08:05 PM | Permalink

What's with all the boobs out there?

Not the kind you're thinking.

Here are some more YouTube freaks doing stupid things just for 5 seconds of "fame".

Watch some dweebs perform Parknastics.

They really suck at 'sticking the landing'. And, the music doesn't really go with how lame this performance is, but it's still funny to see the stupidity out there.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink

I like this idea of the wacky drinking cups. Gotta get the gun to the head one, lol.

And, here's Route 666 in Bolivia. Thanks, but I... uh... think I'll stay home.

Oh, it's so coot. Wook'it da whittow cwoot puppies in their Puppy Monorail.

And, on to more disgusting things. Wook'it da weird freaks and their gawdy Body Implants

Ugh!

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Retro-Nose: North Korean President To Face Super-Animal Wrath

Trust the Computer

AARP poll says Baby Boomers are stupid

We Have Not Yet Begun to Fight

Flin Flon gets to stay green

And, don't forget to head to 123beta's place for more great news, opinion, and funnies.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink

Congratulations again, Dragonlady, for taking the win.

Dragonlady's like some kind of winning machine; it's awesome.

Yes, to everyone, it is correct that Jimmy Carter is a moron.

He is like Bill Clinton without the fox attitude. Of course, I got that hint from The Simpsons who, instead, said Clinton was like Carter with the attitude.

So, there you have it.

I guess I could have also said he was the other annoying and useless ex-US president who won't go away.

Retire from publicly complaining already, Carter - you ol' coot.

No one's listening; we're just being bothered by your blathering.

Heck, your image is so dry, even a blue stained dress accusation couldn't have spiced up your presidency.

The only "spice" in Carter's career was the killer rabbit incident.

For those unaware, the only affair moron Carter had was with a rabbit, and I don't believe that was sexual in nature at all. It was extremely bizarre, however.

Carter was fishing when he claimed a rabbit, a "swamp rabbit" of all things, was heading directly towards his boat, trying to board it, but Carter apparently freaked out and swatted at the creature with his paddle.

Carter was taking a few days off in Plains, Georgia fishing when he spotted a rabbit swimming toward him.
“It was hissing menacingly, its teeth flashing and nostrils flared and making straight for the president” and he hit the rabbit with his paddle.

with a collective *yawn*.

And, it's this same dull weirdo who criticises the Bush administration every second he has.

I've got news for you, Carter, you've been wasting your breath for years now.

Carter has moronically blurted out stupid commentary about the Bush administration like the Iraq war is "a terrible mistake" and "a flat disaster".

I'll tell you what, Jimbo, if you had remained the president for another term, THAT would have been a flat disaster.

Good thing Reagan kicked your a$$ out of there.

Of course, the real questionable nature of Carter is still being overlooked by many.

For instance, in 2002, he acquired the Nobel Peace Prize for being some wonderful peacemaker and all, but others believe that title is undeserved.

In Jimmy Carter, Traitor? it is asked why the award presenters overlooked the fact that Carter could be guilty of treason as well as aiding in arming the North Korea.

And, in that same article, it is quoted,

Ground Zero has a trail right back to the feet of Jimmy Carter in the Oval Office.

But, although there is much more about this moron, I must let it go for now and leave you with this....

Carter quote: "I can't deny I'm a better ex-president than I was a president."

Sam quote: "So says you!"

And, congrats again to Dragonlady for the win.

More on the Moron:

Analyse your relationship with Jimmy Carter
President Jimmy Carter's Sighting of a UFO
Jimmy Carter – a national disgrace
Savage: "Jimmy Carter is like Hitler"
Jimmy Carter: Nut
Did Jimmy Carter Withold Information on a 1956 UFO Incident?
Carter says Gore won 2000 election
Jimmy Carter thinks he has the right touch when it comes to solving the North Korea crisis
Jimmy Carter Quacks Again
Jimmy Carter’s Blame Game

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Posted by Samantha at 12:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I think I got to about the third level of this one on the first try, but the objective isn't really a high score for me; it's more about slaughtering some zombies.

Warning: this one may be a tad gory for some, guns, knives, bloodshed, you know, the standard for a decent game, lol.

Zombie Survival

I chose this game mainly because MR.BIG has mentioned a couple of times that he's looking for a good zombie killing video game. This one isn't all that good, but at least it's something.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Suriving Zombies [by Animus Ex Machina]

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Posted by Samantha at 05:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I don't know what the frick they were thinking when some of these things were invented, but here they are anyhow.

Many Strange Products That Come From Japan

I kinda like the personal karaoke. I mean, if people insist on killing a song, then I'd rather them do it privately so that I don't have to listen to them wailing.

But, that nap helmet is just too funny. I've got a friend or two that could use that while in my car. For some reason they always get bobble head when they pass out while I'm driving.

Of course, if you know me at all, you know that I also enjoy waiting for them to doze off, then I slam on my brakes.

Stops their bobble head rather quickly when I jolt them out of their sleep, lol.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Some Giggles [by 123beta]

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

If you didn't think lawyers could sink any lower, you were wrong.

Abducted by aliens? Call now for compensation:

A German lawyer hopes to drum up more business by pursuing state compensation claims for people who believe they were abducted by aliens.

"There's quite obviously demand for legal advice here," Jens Lorek told Reuters by telephone on Thursday. "The trouble is, people are afraid of making fools of themselves in court."

Side note: I didn't know they had fellas named Billy-Bob or Cletus in Germany.

Lorek, 41, is pinning his hopes for success on a German law which grants kidnap victims the right to state compensation.

Asked if he was worried he might look ridiculous by seeking justice for clients haunted by aliens, Lorek was unfazed.

"Nobody has laughed about it up until now."

What's next?

Suing the government for allowing Santa and the Easter Bunny to enter homes in the middle of the night, aka Bunny B&Es or Kriss Kringle Capers.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink

You are searching for blow jobs, huh? I've decided to be nice to my readers and I've found a non-scam site where you can view your "needs". Just follow the link link here. Now back to the article...

Just when you think reality tv couldn't sink any lower - enter Colombia and its breast implant seeking psycho as a girl attempts anything, including prostitution, just to gain another cup size:

Every weeknight millions of Colombians tune in to watch a smash television series about the indignities suffered by a teen-age girl willing to do anything to get her breasts enlarged.

The show, based on a true story, is both loved and hated for displaying the culture of easy money here in the world's biggest cocaine-exporting country.

And, in other breastacular news, it seems a German doctor has been getting ripped off by his patients after their cosmetic surgery concludes:

A German plastic surgeon who was cheated out of payment by several women has given pictures of their enlarged breasts to police, in the hope the photos will help trace them.

"The women registered under fake names," Michael Koenig, a surgeon in Cologne, told Bild newspaper. "After the operations, which lasted about an hour, they just ran away."

Bild published a five-column picture of Tanja's naked breasts. "It's probably the most unusual wanted poster police ever had," the newspaper wrote.

Ummm... no... can you show me some more? Better yet, can we have a police lineup of the suspects? And, I think I'm going to need to feel them in order to be 100% accurate.

Uh, ya, that should do it.

Hey, you know, perhaps that Colombia chick should move to Germany to get this freebie augmentation.

I'm sure that would make for an entertaining episode of Sin Tetas (Without Tits).

Previous/Related: Beboppin' Boobies, I've Got Boobtacular News

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Posted by Samantha at 12:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

If brevity is wit, then that explains why so many have verbal diahhrea.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:02 PM | Permalink

Hat Tip: The Great Leap Forward

Previous/related: We Meet Again, Sparrow

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Can we get this idea up in Canada, please?

If we could, I'd reconsider teaching as a career, lol.

Lawmaker's in Wisconsin call to arm school staff:

A state lawmaker, worried about a recent string of deadly school shootings, suggests arming teachers, principals and other school personnel as a safety measure and a deterrent.

It might not be politically correct, but it has worked effectively in other countries, Republican Rep. Frank Lasee said yesterday.

I'm afraid, though, that some jacka$$ teachers would abuse the idea whenever some punk student p*sses them off.

Unfortunately.

But, then again, perhaps there'd be a lot less punk a$$ kids lipping off their elders if instructors brandished weaponry.

What a conundrum!

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

... but I don't know if I ever will.

This sounds like a truly shocking experience: Lightning exits woman's bottom.

And, although I don't like to just cut and paste articles, I thought this one too good to paraphrase:

Natasha Timarovic, 27, was cleaning her teeth at home when lightning struck the building.

She said: "I had just put my mouth under the tap to rinse away the toothpaste when the lightning must have struck the building.

I don't remember much after that, but I was later told that the lightning had travelled down the water pipe and struck me on the mouth, passing through my body.

It was incredibly painful, I felt it pass through my torso and then I don't remember much at all." Doctors at the city hospital where she was treated for burns to the mouth and rear said: "The accident is bizarre but not impossible.

She was wearing rubber bathroom shoes at the time and so instead of earthing through her feet it appears the electricity shot out of her backside," a medic told local television news channel, 24 Sata.

"It appears to have earthed through the damp shower curtain that she was touching as she bent over to put her mouth under the tap. If she had not been wearing the shoes she would probably have been killed by the blast."

That chick's got one lightening a$$.

Lightening. Ya sure it was lightening. She's probably just covering for having some insanely explosive gas.

Ouch.

Okay, I'm done. It's just so bizarre and hilarious that I can't top that story.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

This person is a Bill Clinton without a "fox" attitude.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to risk getting frisky on this floating bed.

Okay, ya, I would, but I wouldn't have that bed for long.

I don't know about you, but I don't get the whole floating bedside nightstand thing that seems to be popular this year.

I just know, somehow, I'd have some accident and break that stuff quick.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

There are so many optical illusions at this site, I don't know what to do with them all.

Several are M.C. Eschers or Escher inspired, as well as some from Worth1000.

This one's pretty perverse, but funny.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

George Carlin has some funny stuff to share, which you may or may not have already heard or read before.

I liked them when I read them, and thought it only fair that I share some of my favourites with you, regardless of how cheesy it is to merely cut and paste articles.

Lol, but I'm not exactly known for being the most tactful person around.

Anyhow, here they are:

1. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
2. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
3. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in... what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
11. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
15. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Bonus Favourite: I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

And, head here for more George Carlinisms.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Hat Tip: Shock and Blog for this butt-clencher.

So, let's list all the ways to cure hiccups, or hiccoughs as some people call them.

There's hold your breath, scare the person, drink a glass of water while upside down, and of course, rectal stimulation.

Yes, you read that correctly, rectal stimulation:

The winner of the Ig Nobel prize in medicine was Francis Fesmire, of University Hospital in Florida, for a study that showed that intractable hiccups can be terminated by "digital rectal massage".

"Initially, gagging and tongue pulling manoeuvres were attempted with no change in symptomatology," Dr Fesmire wrote in a study published in the Annals of Emergency Medicine. "Digital rectal massage was then attempted using a slow circumferential motion. The frequency of hiccups immediately began to slow, with a termination of all hiccups within 30 seconds," the valiant scientist found.

I'll live with it.

What's slightly ironic about the situation is that the dr. who wrote the rectal probing paper doesn't know whether to be honoured or embarrassed for his recognition, and he wishes he were recognised for his cardiac research instead. He claims that the paper was based on one case, which was the one and only time he'd ever attempted that procedure.

Ya, sure it was. Lol.

The dr. added, "I saw this patient who couldn't stop his hiccups, I tried these other manoeuvres, and then I stuck my finger in his bottom," Fesmire said, emphasizing that it was the treatment of last resort. "Will I ever do it again? No!"

Well, that's a relief.

Article over. You may unclench your buttocks now.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
GOT HICCUPS? [by Right Wing Howler]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Loonies On The Path - part XXXIII - Grandma Got An SUV

Funny and Sad

The problem with Rumsfeld...

Joking about being PC is very un-PC?

Another war widow faces deportation

And, don't forget to head to 123beta's place for more great writing.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

Today is Canuck Thanksgiving, so I'm taking a break to get drugged up and pass out from some turkey tryptophan.

I'm gonna sleep good tonight!

Anyhow, there's a Moron of the Week for you to guess at, and please enjoy some of the archived material.

Happy Gobble Gobble!

Picture selection courtesy of PERV (please ignore the yummy, I mean poor, innocent cranberries lying helplessly on the plate waiting to be devoured by me, I mean some ruthless, savage veggie eater).

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Posted by Samantha at 12:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Time again for another moron.

Last week's winner was Jim, so can you beat him or will Jim remain on the throne?

Good luck everyone.

Here is the standard info for the game:

To your right is the Moron Of The Week posting from which you will be able to guess who you believe is the moron in the picture, then submit your answer in the comment section of this article. On Friday, I will provide the correct answer along with a link to the winning guess's site. Will you be the winner this week?

PS - this isn't going to be easy as there is no shortage of morons out there: politicians, journalists, celebrities, frothing-at-the-mouth moonbats, and the like.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (19)