The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

An extremely cool thank you goes to 123beta for sending me this wicked image.

I just wish the image was photoshopped so that it wouldn't show me hanging out in my bedroom with skull and bones, Calista Flockhart.

Ya, my bedroom's a creepy place.

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Posted by Samantha at 08:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Hat Tip: ...was I there? for this squeaky clean link.

Have you checked out The Cleaning Hunk?

I get to choose which one I want.

Guess what... I chose all three.

Naughty me, I need a good buffing. Buff me, baby, 'til I'm spic-and-span.

Okay, I'm done.

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Posted by Samantha at 04:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I Will Make Today the Day

Sugar, Sugar

NSFW: AHAHAHAH!!!!! omfg better than dog puke NSFW (sexual content: as in sex act performed), even I questioned putting this up on my blog.

On the flip side, NSFW from some random blogger, The coolest girl in the world. (nudity)

Coming soon: Windows 1984

L'Intifada a la Francaise

30 Countries Protest Security Fence

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 PM | Permalink

Question: What are three things found in Samantha Burns' place?

Lol.

Here's a news bit in which the dildo makes its cameo. Thanks goes to Shock and Blog for this one.

And, here's a chick who will whip the socks off you as you try the search engine. You can type something in to get a reaction, or just sit back and watch what she does. As Right Wing Howler (who sent me this) says, try search terms like phone number, halo, microsoft, google, whore. You can try many more.

Seriously, I think this should replace google and other major search engines.

And, when it comes to little miss stripper, Tesco has everything you need - including the stripper pole. Right Thoughts even found a video link for it, hilariously cheesy. And, while there, be sure to check out that Peekaboo poker game.

Let me guess, it's strip poker.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Pole Dancing at RightLinx [by RightLinx]
The dawn of the Anti-Jeeves [by dustbury.com]

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Posted by Samantha at 09:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Congratulations goes to Alabama Improper for the win.

Alabama Improper knew that Mark "the pedo" Foley is a moron.

And, if anything makes Mark Foley a moron, it would have to be his affiliation with Tom Cruise.

Lol, gotcha.

Well, in an offbeat way, he has an affiliation with nutball Tom due to Foley's association with Scientology.

"On May 24, 2003 a special dinner was held to honor Mark Foley at the Fort Harrison Hotel, the main accommodations building of the Flag Land Base of the Church of Scientology. Foley received leatherbound copies of Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health and The Way to Happiness as gifts from the Church.

After the Foley scandal became public, on October 5, 2006 the Church of Scientology removed the article boasting of their patronizing Foley from its website."

Foley, as we know, is the hot topic at this time of year - US election time - with the Democrats blaming the Republicans and the Republicans blaming the Democrats for having prior knowledge of Foley's mischief.

The mischief, as it could be called, is Foley's horn dog congressional page hounding. That is, the numerous pedophilic-type messages Foley sent to underage pages.

Foley's screen name in Instant Messages and Emails was always Maf54, which you may believe stands for his name and year of birth - Mark Adam Foley 1954 - but you'd be wrong.

It actually stands for My Attendant Flock = 54, as in I'm sure he'd like to get in the pants of at least 54 congressional attendant boys.

Or, perhaps it stands for My Attractive Footboys 54.

Here's a sampling of the perverse messages he sent, if you haven't seen them already:

"Maf54: do you really do it face down
Teen: ya
Maf54: kneeling
Teen: well i dont use my hand...i use the bed itself
Maf54: where do you unload it
Teen: towel
Maf54: really
Maf54: completely naked?
Teen: well ya
Maf54: very nice
Teen: lol
Maf54: cute butt bouncing in the air

In another exchange, Foley proposed to meet with a former page:

Maf54: I want to see you
Teen: Like I said not til feb…then we will go to dinner
Maf54: and then what happens
Teen: we eat...we drink...who knows...hang out...late into the night
Maf54: and
Teen: I dunno
Maf54: dunno what
Teen: hmmm I have the feeling that you are fishing here...
im not sure what I would be comfortable with...well see"

"In early October 2006, two news organizations quoted anonymous former pages as saying that they had sexual liaisons with Foley after they turned 18 and 21, respectively."

I guess the guy can't get a date in his own age group, or anywhere near it.

I think he may also be going through some demented mid-life crisis seeing as he's been caught hanging out at dorms and going to "mixers".

Hey, guess what moron, you're not 21. Now grow the f*ck up!

What's worse is this is the same guy who practically wrote the book on protecting children from sexual predators:

"In the House, Foley was one of the foremost opponents of child pornography. Foley had served as chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children. He introduced a bill in 2002 to outlaw web sites featuring sexually suggestive images of preteen children, saying that “these websites are nothing more than a fix for pedophiles.”

You know what I think is stupid about it all is that many people seem to be sticking by the idea that he didn't actually break any laws.

Uh... how about the laws of morality? I'm pretty sure he broke a few of those while corrupting the minds of our youth.

Oh, and after the fact, Mark "the pedo" Foley tried to cover up his gruesome behaviour by exploiting two stereotypes:

1. He claims he's an alcoholic and this must have driven him to such behaviour (oh yes, and by the way, he finds nothing wrong in getting a minor drunk).

2. He claims he was molested by a priest in his youth and this must have driven him to such behaviour.

Hmmm... Mark, what other cliched vices could you blame?

Were you abducted by aliens and anal probed, leading you to such behaviour? How about pulling a Rosanne Barr and claiming you were abused by your parents while growing up?

No?

Well, then maybe the cheap excuse that being in the public eye and the celebrity status drove you to your perversities.

Whatever, moron.

You're sick and twisted because you're sick and twisted. End of story.

Seriously, end of story.

Congrats again to Alabama Improper on the win.

More on the moron:
FOLEY-BOT!
Jon Stewart’s take on Mark Foley
Foley's e-mail to governor voices fear White House snubbed him
New Foley Instant Messages; Had Internet Sex While Awaiting House Vote
Congressman Mark Foley Action Figure
Mark Foley Jokes
Mark Foley 2006 Advertisement

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Seeing as how that spooky day is coming up soon, here's a game that's mad.

Mad as in insane because I just don't get it.

But, there's a warning: "Do not try this puzzle if you suffer from any kind of a health condition that could be affected by sudden and extreme fear."

Ya, I think I'm safe.

Tomb of the Mummy

Needless to say, I got only slightly so far and have given up, but maybe you'll get somewhere further.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

I don't know what's more lame, the fact that someone's built a website on Celebrities eating or that I'm reporting on it.

Just thought you should be subjected to the same trivial, mindless cr*p that I've been subjected to during my daily online wanderings.

My apologies.

Completely unrelated, Halloween Bunny. Check out the videos below at that link.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 PM | Permalink

Thanks again goes to Jim for these gems.

In an August segment on WWLP-TV (Springfield, Mass.), police chief Anthony Scott of Holyoke, Mass., described the extent of a recent domestic fight in which Ms. Yesenia Ortiz retaliated against alleged aggressor Victor Cruz: "She grabbed another knife and stabbed him in the winky...." (Cruz was arrested and taken to a hospital for treatment of his winky.) [WWLP-TV (Springfield), 8-14-06]

In an August rafting tournament on the Vuoksa River near St. Petersburg, Russia, which used only inflatable dolls of the kind typically sold in adult boutiques, Igor Osipov, 40, was disqualified upon finishing the race when (according to a report by Moscow News) observers "saw signs of recent sexual activity on (Osipov)'s doll." [Moscow News, 8-28-06]

The 30-year-old traditional festival of eel-"bowling" in the fishing village of Lyme Regis, England, was canceled in July after complaints from an animal rights activist that it was disrespectful to eels. In the ritual, teams of anglers stand on platforms and swing a giant (but dead) conger eel, attached to the ceiling, to see who will be the last person standing. Said a spokesman for the charitable event, which raises money for lifeboat crews, "But it's a dead conger, for Pete's sake. I shouldn't think the conger could care one way or another." [Reuters, 7-29-06]

In Jhalabordi village in India in August, a pigeon fell into a well, and five villagers went in, in succession, to rescue first the pigeon, and then the succeeding Samaritans, but all five died. And in Surkhondaryo province in Uzbekistan in August, a father and son were digging an overflow pit for an outdoor toilet when the walls collapsed, and five neighbors in succession were lowered into the pit to attempt a rescue, but all seven people wound up dead. [Herald Sun (Melbourne)-Reuters, 8-10-06] [News24.com (Cape Town)-Agence France-Presse, 8-14-06]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

(Alternative title: Sam Blows A Gasket... and I don't mean in a good way)

What is with all the "what the f*ck" commercials out there?

You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that you watch all the way through, and at the end of it all, your only response is "what the f*ck?"

Like, for instance, this new Skittles commercial, which undoubtedly begs that familiar question, WHAT THE F*CK?

Seriously, do you get it? Because I sure don't.

Gaw dang, some commercials suck sh*t!

Are they running out of ideas, or something?

I just don't get what's driving companies to create such wretched cr*p.

If they think this is going to sell their product to me, they are completely wrong. In fact, with many of the commercials that annoy the p*ss out of me, I purposely elect not to purchase their products as a result.

Or, how about that anti-Dave Reichert ad where the Democrats say something like don't vote for him, he supports the Bush agenda.

If I was able to vote in that election, I would see the commercial as a pro-Dave Reichert ad BECAUSE he supposedly supports the Bush agenda.

Bush is doing the correct thing for the most part, so... uh, ya, I'd vote for the guy.

Negative advertising. Is that how they think they're all going to sell their wares? And I say negative because it has a negative effect on me. I want to beat the poop out of the people who create those commercials, not buy from them or support them.

Anyhow, I'm not really going anywhere with this other than to say they suck. They suck-diddley-uck. They suck-diddley-iddley-oodley-iddley-uck.

Seriously.

F*ck.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Michael Moore Eats Pelican That's Eating A Pigeon!

Ooooooo! Boooobies!

Litmoid

Democrat Hypocrisy on Iraq

ACLU’s Christian Hostility

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Some parents make me sick.

This broadcast discusses some 14 year old who's addicted to the World of Warcraft game.

Here's a clue, you f*cknut, if your 14 year old is addicted, take the computer a-f*cking-way.

D*mn!

And, some freakin' 13 year old committed suicide after playing it for 36 hours straight???

Talk about child neglect, or what?

Fudge.

Of course, where would the world be without a South Park spoof of it: Southpark Season 10 Episode 8 Part 3.

Diane's Stuff has the first part at her place to the South Park episode.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Head here to find out which dead celebrity you'd best be matched up with.

My picks: Leonardo da Vinci, P.T. Barnum (Phineas Taylor), and Edgar Allan Poe.

There is also the option of women for those who choose it.

And, here are 10 Types of MEN You Need to Avoid

How many of us have dated all 10 types?

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Posted by Samantha at 01:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

No wonder so many unusual things occur in New Delhi, the place is run by monkeys.

They're out on the streets, riding the subways, acting as police officers, and are heads of parliament.

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but it's not much of a stretch from the truth when the people there allow monkeys into every facet of their lives, all because they're considered sacred.

"Monkeys and humans have long coexisted in India, where Hindus consider the primates sacred. In the ancient Sanskrit epic the Ramayana, the monkey god Hanuman symbolizes wisdom, devotion, righteousness and strength. Most days, but especially every Tuesday, devout Hindus feed Delhi's monkeys a feast of bananas and peanuts."

"Most big cities in the world face the same kinds of problems: traffic, pollution, crime. Then there is New Delhi, which has a challenge rarely encountered elsewhere — monkeys. Hungry Rhesus macaques roam the streets and even the subway, leap through treetops outside grand government buildings and scale fences of companies and private homes in search of open windows and tempting food. Even Delhi's police headquarters has been raided by a monkey gang.

And to deal with such a rare urban problem, Delhi has come up with an unusual response: it's launched a monkey arms race. Companies and city officials have started employing langurs — large, black-faced apes — to protect buildings and scare off the smaller rhesus monkeys. "Any langur will do the business," says Zahid Khan, 20, who has been handling langurs since he was eight and most days chains one or two outside the Press Trust of India building, which houses TIME's Delhi bureau. "The monkeys are petrified of them."

I know. They'll get the idea to secretly train troops of primates to do their bidding.

They'll teach them to invade first world countries everywhere and steal everything they can.

You heard it here first, folks.

New Delhi will soon be a first world superpower.

Alright, I've really gotta cut down on sniffing the kids' play glue.

Previous/Related: Monkey Gender Dichotomy, Stoned Monkey, Zookeepers At It Again

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Posted by Samantha at 10:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Many of us know about that saying, "the one with the most toys wins", but it's a little ridiculous when those material "toys" become panties and mannequins.

It seems some twisted 23 year old elected to steal women's underwear from dorms.

"Police said that Pascal Lucas, who is an accountant, was arrested on Saturday after being caught breaking into an apartment.

A Marquette graduate, Lucas allegedly had lived in the building and had possession a master key, which is how authorities think he gained access to the apartments, WISC-TV reported.

Officers said that they searched Lucas' home and found plastic bags full of stolen panties all sorted by apartment number."

Was his next step to stalk those women based on their underwear size and proximity, or something?

What I find most odd about this is that it's normal. Panty fetishism is apparently pretty common. Perhaps someone reading this may be sniffing or wearing women's panties at this very moment.

But, what's more disturbing than that 23 year old with his panty thefts is the sock fetish.

Now that's a foul fetish.

I just hope it's not a fetish for dirty socks.

Ew.

And, in other funky fixations, it seems some weirdo keeps getting busted for stealing mannequins.

"Dotson had been out of prison for less than a week when he was caught. His erotic pursuit of mannequins over the past 13 years has led to at least six convictions for breaking and entering and a stint in prison, police said.

"He told his parole officer he was going to buy a mannequin so he didn't have to do these break-ins anymore," said Detective Brendan Moore said. "Apparently that didn't work out."

Cross posted at 123beta's place.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Material Seduction [by 123beta]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

This Is a Test.

Dark Vador Lego Orchestra

Hollywood Greenies’ Credibility (or lack thereof)

Words Matter

Conspiracy Nuts!!

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'Dudes, let's do some polling!' [by Doug Ross @ Journal]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Here's Kmart's haunted house game.

Not exactly tough to do, but it's something to do.

My score: 54790 and completed in 0h 11m 05s.

Yes, 11 minutes of my life wasted.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Hat Tip: Gay Celebrity Crap for this intoxicating game.

Drunk Driving Mel

My final score: 2418 with a blood alcohol level of 1.5% .

And, here's an odd, and a tad bit lame, video unrelated to the above, but will you be taken?

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Posted by Samantha at 01:01 PM | Permalink

How much more disgusting is this guy going to get?

And, if you guessed I was talking about OJ Simpson, you'd be correct.

I mean, you'd think a guy who lost his wife to a murderer would choose not to write a book accounting details of how he would have killed her if he'd have done it.

Simpson's acquittal on murder charges could be considered the trial of the century. Now Simpson's smugness has reached new bounds after tabloid reports suggest he is penning a half-"hypothetical" account of the decade-old grizzly double murder of his exwife, Nicole, and her friend Ron Goldman.

The National Enquirer reports that the football player-turned-actor was offered US$3.5 million to write about the murders and how they might have happened. "Only that kind of money could have tempted OJ to finally tell the truth," a source told the Enquirer.

I'm sorry, but someone who lost someone to a murderer, whether they were getting along with the victim or not, should be too devastated to envision how they would have killed the person.

But, I wouldn't put it past him, considering how last year he exploited the murder and his reputation as a potential killer at the horror convention Necrocomicon .

If he could profit from it then, there's no reason why he wouldn't take advantage of it now.

Isn't imagination something like a window to a person's true self, or something like that?

In this case, I believe it.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Thanks once more goes to Shock and Blog for this enticing news.

Apparently, one Canadian university is heating up for winter with a sex education course:

An undergraduate program at Canada's august University of Toronto offers discussions on flogging, restraint, and role-play, as well as an arts course called "Queerly Canadian." But teachers and students insist it's a serious academic program that isn't simply about sex.

"We'll talk about whips and chains in a political, social, cultural, religious context of sexuality and how that sexuality affects those institutions."

I guess us Canadians are just trying to raise our sex quota for the year seeing as we 'went down' pretty low compared to other countries a few years ago.

Darn it, now where am I going to get the money to go back to school?

Heck, I've got a feeling I'd make for a good prof. of that course. Forget spending the money on the course, I should be getting paid to teach it.

Although... I'm not an expert. I still have plenty of room for learning.

Ya, I don't think I should teach it; I'd probably skip all that sociological mumbo-jumbo and move right into the kinky, perverse stuff. Get right to the meat of the discussions.

But, what I don't get is why they keep saying, "it's not what you think it is".

I mean, we all know academia is dry and asexual inside the classrooms, no matter what the topic at hand is, but what would be so wrong about teaching adult sex education at universities?

I know a lot of people out there who could use a course like that... unfortunately.

You know what, I bet if they made prostitution and other sex trades legal, they could get away with teaching an adult sex ed. course.

Heck, you could probably earn a degree as a professional sexual deviant.

Then, I could really sign my name...

Dr. Samantha Burns, ph.d.
Professor of Doing The Nasty

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Top 9 Suggested Cindy Sheehan Porn Movie Titles

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD: 1 on 1 with The Lancet

Guard the Borders

Feminists for Polygamy?

France is Burning

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Here is a simple pumpkin carving technique.

Boy, I'm glad I have all those tools at hand.

And, if you manage to create this thing, you may just end up having fewer kids come to your door this halloween if you have this sitting at your doorstep.

And, if you're really interested in scaring the poop out of people for halloween, perhaps this costume would be right up your alley. Ignore the moonbat ramblings at that site, though, unfortunately, I couldn't find that picture elsewhere online that wasn't from the site of a total wanker.

If that's not up your alley, try some of these tasteless costume ideas.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
More Pumpkin Carving [by ...was i there?]
Trick Or Treat! [by 123beta]

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

For Lostinlimaohio.

Apparently, since she's become famous for breaking news (as opposed to her usual breaking of wind, lol) on that Katie's Revenge photo, some 'tards have stolen alternative website names in order to profit off her good name. Lilo states,

I called them, they couldn't even spell "lima" and then he pronounced it wrong repeating the address back to me.

Sure, we could all make the claim that it's a free world to buy domain names and such, but seriously, we all know why they really did it, and that's just pathetic.

And, seeing as I consider Lilo a friend (even if she calls me a sex-crazed pervert), I support her upset and know that if (when, who knows) it happens to me, I'd be just as p*ssed.

Lilo added in an email,

Right now, I'm angry and annoyed. And highly offended. I've worked hard to establish and keep my site up, and it's almost like one of my own kids to me. You know what that is like. And, I find it offensive that just because I am too cheap to buy a domain, people believe that it's okay to use my name to make money be attempting to steal traffic, and all that other crap.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink

This article submitted by 123beta.

Unfortunately, these
fine urinals, shaped like a woman's mouth are soon to be history.

Austrian businessman, Neuhold Gerhard, is bowing to public pressure and promises to get rid of them. He said he found it odd that the urinals only became an issue during Austria's recent national election campaign.

Humour-less liberals at work? Probably.

Sigh. Some people just don't appreciate art...

Speaking of toilets...earlier this year I found the perfect toilet for Sam!

Article contributed by 123beta.

[Sam's reply] If I had a toilet like that, I'd never have time for blogging ;-P

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Just a Girl won it last week for knowing Bill Clinton is a moron (much to the dismay of some moonbats), so now you have Just a Girl to dethrone. Can you do it?

Good luck everyone.

Here is the standard info for the game:

To your right is the Moron Of The Week posting from which you will be able to guess who you believe is the moron in the picture, then submit your answer in the comment section of this article. On Friday, I will provide the correct answer along with a link to the winning guess's site. Will you be the winner this week?

PS - this isn't going to be easy as there is no shortage of morons out there: politicians, journalists, celebrities, frothing-at-the-mouth moonbats, and the like.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)