The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

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Posted by Samantha at 08:01 PM | Permalink

If you're a Borat fan, don't know who that is, but want to, or you would like to see some stuff off the big screen, here are some of The 10 Best Borat Skits of All-Time.

Needless to say, I'll be going to see that movie.

It opens at theatres today.

Yes - surprise, surprise - I like low rent and politically incorrect comedy.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I don't know what it is, but there's something a little unsettling about this site.

Bubble woman

And, here's something else for you.

Stupid boys, always screwing with our dollies.

I don't know about you, but the boys in my neighbourhood always ruined my playtime by dismembering my dolls.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

This post submitted by Lostinlimaohio, and approved out of sympathy by Sam.

By nature, I am a lazy person- which may explain why the "weekly guest spot" I fill here isn't always as "weekly" as it was suppose to be. But, dang it- I'm lazy at times. And that laziness is the simple reason I went from blogging (and commenting) as Lostinlimaohio to Lilo. Because, to be honest- I just got tired of having to type all those letters. For those who don't see the connection:

L ost
I n
L ima
O hio

See? Lilo. Short, sweet and just few enough letters that I don't become overwhelmed while typing it out a hundred times a day.

The odd thing was, when I started the whole "Lilo" business, the only other one I knew of was the famous little Lilo, from Lilo and Stitch. (I blame the kids for this knowledge) So, when I found "The History of Lilos" online, I was excited. E X C I T E D! I tell you. And amused. Because, I was on there. Along with funny little comments that, though not directed at this Lilo, were funny when I thought of them being said in reference to me.

Lilos were recently immortalised across the oceans by a Muggle called "Dodgy Dirk" in a Harry Potter story holding forth about how his inflatable lilo was punctured by a "dirty great flying lizard" otherwise known as the Common Welsh Green Dragon.

Ha, I was punctured. By a dirty great flying lizard.

I also found that I was beheaded in 1938... which may be a better excuse for my lack of weekly guest writing than just saying I'm lazy.

Norfolk District Council sensibly teaches children good lilo common sense urging children not to play on lilos on the sea unless the lilo is secured by a rope.

Oh, yeah... I'd like to see anyone attempt to secure me by a rope.

There has been poetry written about me, and I've been used as a safety device, and used as a bunker buster in wars. But, the best and so far funniest chunk of info about "me" came in the form of a warning... not to over inflate "your lilo".

(BTW, the site even has a great list of "place to take your lilo", if anyone is in the mood to vacation with me.)

So, if you've ever been interested in learning a bunch of stuff about me, while not really having anything at all to do with me, check it out.

This post submitted by Lostinlimaohio

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Posted by lostinlimaohio at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Well, it looks like Alabama Improper is the remaining champion since no one guessed correctly that Butch Campbell, I mean supermodel Naomi Campbell is this week's moron.

Congratulations Alabama Improper for maintaining the throne.

I must admit, I wouldn't know Campbell from a hole in the ground if it weren't for her reputation as a heavyweight assaultress.

But, I guess her violent tendancies make some sense considering she used to date that freak, Mike Tyson. She must have learned all her fighting skills and nuttiness from him back in the day.

And, if you're not aware of her 'left hook',
crazy Campbell has a long running history with the law in that area.

It started back in the 80s when she began creating her hot tempered image while working for the Elite Modelling agency:

"Supermodel Naomi Campbell has been blacklisted by the man who helped launch her catwalk career--because she is "nasty" and "temperamental".

Campbell shot to fame after being discovered by Elite Modeling agents near her London home when she was just 15.

But Elite boss John Casablancas, the father of Strokes rocker Julian Casablancas, hasn't worked with her since 1989, and says he will never work with her again.

He tells the New York Daily News, "Naomi has a really nasty side, because of her temperament, her lifestyle and her history. I like her a lot, but I would not work with her again for all the gold on Earth. She was abusive with her booking staff and it was unbearable."

It only gets better.

In 2000, she pled guilty in Toronto, Canada for assaulting her assistant, Georgina Galanis using a hotel phone and threatening to throw her out of a moving car.

She agreed to take an anger management course, but it apparently didn't work because...

In 2005, she allegedly slapped another assistant, Amanda Brack, with her Blackberry handheld personal organiser.

And, again, she attacks as an Italian actress, Yvonne Scio, claims she was left "covered in blood" after being punched in the face at a Roman hotel

Naomi "bitch slap" Campbell loves her phones because again in 2006, she allegedly used a Swarovski crystal incrusted cell phone against her housekeeper after Campbell accused the maid of stealing her jeans:

"Hot-tempered diva Naomi Campbell tried to cover up her alleged hissy fit by keeping her blood-soaked maid away from the hospital, the victim's lawyer charged yesterday. The super-rich catwalker tried to have Ana Scolavino treated by her personal doctor in an effort to keep the hired help from cops, according to attorney Michael Block."

What's next, a diamond studded car phone? I mean, that's gotta be pretty high class to be beating people up with, eh?

And, even if you thought that's moronic enough, there's more.

The fool seems to have a drug addiction as well:

"In February 2001 pictures were published in the Daily Mirror newspaper showing Campbell leaving a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in London."

She's even one of the nuts who stood up for cokehead Kate Moss when she was caught sniffin' up.

Perhaps Campbell's drug issues are partly to blame for her vicious side.

And, of course, no celebrity would be tabloid worthy without a good ol' fashioned celeb catfight or two.

It seems she once had it out for both Tyra Banks (another model) and Victoria Beckham (remember the Spice Girls... unfortunately).

"Campbell is purported to have had feuds with several celebrities, the most publicized of which is with fellow model Tyra Banks.

Campbell also had a rift with former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham, who publicly branded the model as a "massive cow" and a "bitch" in 2000."

*yawn*

And, crazy Campbell takes out her dukes again as she reportedly trashes her boyfriend's yacht after an altercation with the chef:

"Supermodel Naomi Campbell reportedly caused $54,000 worth of damage to her boyfriend's yacht following an argument with an Italian chef.

The 36-year-old destroyed furniture and fittings on Badr Jafar's luxury boat, which was moored in Viareggio harbor in Italy, writes British newspaper The Sun.

She is alleged to have lost her temper when the chef's tomato, mozzarella and dried ham starter with white wine failed to please Campbell."

Not as dry as your career will be, I'm guessing, after you get locked up for beating the lights out of everyone.

Moron.

But, she didn't stop at the yacht. She was also arrested in London after throwing a hissy fit at her former boyfriend's house:

"And now comes the news that Naomi Campbell was arrested by the London police, earlier this month for creating total ruckus outside the home of a former boyfriend, at an absolutely obscene hour.

Naomi Campbell is said to have landed herself outside the residence of a former boyfriend to seek possession of certain valuables. What ensued was such that it created a lot of disturbance and hence the cops had to be called in."

I'm just waiting for the day she gets mad and bites off someone's earlobe.

And, most recently, it seems her drug counsellor has filed a complaint against Campbell, claiming assault.

The paper claimed the therapist made a complaint after she was "scratched all over her face" by the catwalk model.

A spokesman for Campbell said he believed there had been a "misunderstanding".

Run, people, run away from Campbell. That's one nutjob I'd never want to be employed by.

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The Naomi Campbell Cell Phone
Naomi Campbell Is Arrested, Frightened Police Let Her Go
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Naomi Campbell Phone Rage Bust
Naomi Campbell Skips Out on Court Date, Blames The Press
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Motorola Unveils Naomi Campbell Signature Line Assault Cell Phones
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Moron Of The Week [by Alabama Improper]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This is exactly what tv shows are like before the audio editors get their hands on it: Lost Fart.

And, here's a cute fart video

But, don't trust us chicks.

Here's a farting contest.

All right, I've had enough of this. I'd better quit before I stink you out of here.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Here's irony for you: TV shows that non-jokingly complain about how sucky tv shows are these days.

And, here are some life's ironies I came across while online.

Got any of your own?

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Posted by Samantha at 01:03 PM | Permalink

Here's some more great news brought to us by Jim.

In a September raid, sheriff's deputies in Vista, Calif., seized jars of urine from the home of a suspected methamphetamine user. Deputies said the user appeared to be saving his own urine in order to extract, and reuse, the meth he had already used. A Drug Enforcement Administration agent said he was unsure whether the practice was widespread. [North County Times (Escondido, Calif.), 9-15-06]

A September episode of the periodic NBC "Dateline" stings of online child sex predators, in Long Beach, Calif., turned up 38 arrestees, including one who is apparently beyond embarrassment, since he had already been busted once by "Dateline." [Los Angeles Times, 9-11-06]

Alfred Thomas Steven, 69, was arrested in the La Purisma Mission park in Lompoc, Calif., in September, and cited for trespassing and animal cruelty for attempting to satisfy himself sexually with a horse. According to police, Steven apparently had anointed himself with olive oil and coated his nude body in feed grain or oats, and then lay down so that the horse would nibble and lick him. Deputies said he told them that it was a longtime fantasy. [KSBY-TV (San Luis Obispo, Calif.), 9-6-06]

I guess it only makes sense, though, I mean, look at the guy's age. He probably planned this years ago to be part of his 69th birthday adventure. I just wonder if he coated the oats on every part of his body.

Ouch.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

It's another meeting time for all those meat eaters out there who are against the destruction of poor, helpless veggies.

Welcome all!

Well, we have some good news and some bad news. And, I'll start with the bad.

It seems some insensitive cretins are promoting the consumption of veggies by stating that vegetables may boost brain power in adults.

MAY???

May boost brain power?

Is that all they have to go on? How dare they endanger the lives of those innocent lives by stating it MAY aid adults.

Screw the humans! (it's what a PERV does best)

Apparently, they have a specific vendetta against greeny, leafy ones, stating that a person should eat at least three portions of these per day. What they have against lettuce and the like is beyond me, but it sounds like a complete conspiracy.

We must PERVent such heinous crimes. Any suggestions on how to protect our beautiful veggies?

And, now it's time for some good new, you PERVs.

It seems we have a victory against veggie oppressors here in Canada as stats show that organic farms are on the decrease.

Chalk one up for the meat eaters.

Woo hoo.

Must have been all those death threats we sent them.

On a side note, us PERVs should look into making a video that will get the message out about veggie abuse like this PETA video does about spaying and neutering cats.

Funny stuff sent in, thanks to some random blogger.

Our goal is to PERVide shelter and safety to all things veggie.

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting Adjourned.

Thanks muchly to VP PERV Diane's Stuff for the logo.

Previous PERV Posts

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Here's the not quite 1000 ways to open a beer - the original!!!

More like 18 ways, but then again, this shows a bunch of kids opening beers that they're not even old enough to drink yet.

But, if you go to this site, apparently they actually have 1000 ways. I like attempt #974: using a giant galapagos tortoise.

But, I must say as a Canuck, it doesn't matter how you get the frickin' bottle open; it's how thrist quenching and tasty the beer inside is.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:07 PM | Permalink

Perhaps you'll remember that I once posted on Chad Vader: day shift manager.

Well, now there's Chad Vader 2, dorktacular as ever.

Is it still true that sequels are always much more sucky?

Let me know if these guys broke that myth or not.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It seems underwear wasn't mandatory for our firefighters here before now:

A Canadian city under pressure for alleged sexual harassment within its fire department has ordered firefighters to wear only boxer-style underwear.

Richmond, British Columbia will spend C$16,000 ($14,200) to buy six pairs of underwear for each firefighter in a bid to make firehalls in the suburb of Vancouver more gender neutral, a newspaper reported on Tuesday.

Somebody's gotta do it.

And, seeing how this is one of the very few times that I can expose a little male booty for my readers out there, here's the 2006 Firefighter's calendar.

And, here are the ones for next year:

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Selling bottled air is not a new cheesy attempt at profiting off of idiots; it's been done before.

But now, some guy is trying to sell a special kind of air: Olympic air.

A Chinese entrepreneur is suing a Beijing trade bureau for denying him a permit to sell bags of "World Cup air" and for scotching his plans to bottle and sell "2008 Olympic air," a newspaper said on Thursday.

Li Jie, who describes himself as chief executive of the Lunar Embassy to China and once tried to sell land on the moon, sought a permit to sell "World Cup air" for 50 yuan ($6.30) a bag to soccer enthusiasts unable to make the trip to Germany this year.

His idea was that fans could hang the green plastic bag around their necks and breathe in the air while watching World Cup matches on television, local media reported.

But the Chaoyang Industry and Commerce Bureau had rejected his application on the grounds that "special air from special places" was not classified as "an industrial category," the Beijing News said.

Well, seeing as the 2010 Winter Olympics is coming here, I'd better jump on this insane bandwagon and bottle some Whistler air.

I'll be a millionaire, I tells ya.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Halloween may be over, but this cat may continue scratching.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I only played this to complete the first level and stopped, but my score after the first level of Feed Me was 2128. It's more of a kids type game.

Something I'd rather play with is one of these Stupid Cars.

Now, if the sofa folded out into a bed, I'd be all over that.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:05 PM | Permalink

Seeing as how today is the creepiest day of the year, I thought it more than fitting to make you all watch David Hasselhoff videos.

Mwahahaha.

David Hasselhoff Video Blog. The bloated ol' egomaniac talks to his frickin' watch.

The Making of David Hasselhoff's 'Jump In My Car'

David Hasselhoff sings "Secret Agent Man" Apparently, this will be his next video he'll make, for me to mock.

And, apparently, the guy thought he could sing years ago. Boy, was he wrong.

David Hasselhoff Looking For Freedom

David Hasselhoff - Limbo Dance: something's deterring me from visiting Jamaica.

Previous/Related: Sam Hassles Hoff

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Posted by Samantha at 01:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Oh boy, I'm in trouble now.

It seems that a lawyer has invented a way to spy on nannies:

Just as trucking companies put signs on their vehicles asking the public to report unsafe drivers, parents can now put license plates on their baby strollers to get feedback on the behavior of their nannies.

The parents, who pay $50 for a plate, receive an e-mail alerting them to the report, which they access on the Web site (http://howsmynanny.com//default.aspx) using a password.

Starishevsky said she came up with the idea after she saw a nanny in a New York city park who for at least an hour ignored the two young girls she was looking after.

"I was so frustrated," said Starishevsky. "How do I tell the mother that these kids could have run into the street, they could have been taken away at the hand of a stranger."

How's my nannying?
Dial 1-800-EAT-SH*T.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt must think pretty highly of themselves these days.

It seems they are frightened that they will be the next targets of an al Qaeda terrorist attack.

Sure, Brangelina, that's all they've got time for is targeting a couple of dense-headed movie stars.

Just go adopt another baby, and shut the f*ck up, you numbnuts.

How many kids is it now... 56?

Something like that, I'm guessing.

Anyhow, perhaps they'd be smart to adorn themselves in the attire I suggested earlier

But, quite frankly, I couldn't care less one way or another. It's not like the world would miss another pretty boy or starlet.

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Posted by Samantha at 09:07 AM | Permalink

If you're horny in Seoul, you might have to keep your pants on for a while because it seems "love motels" are booked solid these days.

Ever since the October 9th nuclear explosion in North Korea, South Koreans have been getting in touch with their primal urges. Condom sales at convenience stores has gone up by approximately 400 packs sold per day:

A leading chain of convenience stores reported Thursday that their condom sales rose to an average of 1,930 a day in the week after Oct. 9, compared to 1,508 a day.

A popular online reservation site for South Korea's ubiquitous "love motels" - the popular term for lodgings built for clandestine rendezvous - also reported a rise in bookings immediately after the heightened security threat.

The motels are a fixture across South Korea. In one of the world's most densely populated countries, where extended families often live together, such accommodations provide a refuge for those seeking discreet intimate encounters.

They can just go ahead and thank that loonie Kim Jong Il for this one.

Quite truthfully, I never thought Kim Jong Il would be one to arouse sexuality in others.

Deter, yes, but provoke, no.

*shudder*

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Posted by Samantha at 12:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Seeing as I keep getting hits for offensive costumes, I thought I'd better provide searches with what they may be looking for.

Here are some sites I found with offensive costumes:

(Morally) Horrifying Halloween Costumes

I don't know what's so offensive about dressing as Bob the Back-Alley Abortion Doctor or the Post Mortem JonBenet.

It's not like it's not true.

Ew.

But, if that's not to your liking, perhaps you'd like to go as Penis Man, Goat F*cker, the Molesting Priest, or the Big C*nt, found at Most Offensive Halloween Costumes Ever!

Or, recently, how about going as Steve Erwin, Crocodile Hunter, like Bill Maher did.

Now, this one doesn't have pictures, but here is a list of some potential Offensive Costumes for Kids.

And, here's a site full of cheesy, and hilariously offensive Halloween costumes (scroll down to see a wealth of good stuff).

And, don't forget to check out their 10 reasons Why Trick or Treating is better than Sex

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink

This has to be the funniest and scariest Halloween card I've ever gotten from Lostinlimaohio.

Okay, it's the only card I've gotten from Lilo, but still, it scared the cr*p out of me.

Still haunts me.

Also from Lostinlimaohio, here's a creepy Death Clock where you can find out exactly when (day, month, year) you will expire.

Of course, ignore the fact that if you refresh the screen, you keep getting a different result.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It seems some screwball in Alabama is campaigning on the wacko front.

Loretta Nall has been bulging her breasts for a cause:

Loretta Nall, the Libertarian Party’s write-in candidate for governor of Alabama, is campaigning on her cleavage and hoping that voters will eventually focus on her platform.

“It started out as a joke, but it blew up into something huge,” said Nall, a 32-year-old with dyed blond hair.

Her campaign is offering T-shirts and marijuana stash boxes adorned with a photo of her with a plunging neckline and the words: “More of these boobs.” Below that are pictures of other candidates for governor — including Republican incumbent Bob Riley and Democratic Lt. Gov. Lucy Baxley — and the words: “And less of these boobs.”

What I don't get is why she's bothering to campaign:

Nall, who spoke in an interview Friday on the Capitol steps, realizes that is about as close as she is going to get to the governor’s office. But her outrageous antics have helped her attract attention not normally enjoyed by write-in candidates.

Ignorant boob.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

This week, you all have Alabama Improper to dethrone.

So, will you be able to do it, or will Alabama Improper remain the champ?

Good luck to all.

Here is the standard info for the game:

To your right is the Moron Of The Week posting from which you will be able to guess who you believe is the moron in the picture, then submit your answer in the comment section of this article. On Friday, I will provide the correct answer along with a link to the winning guess's site. Will you be the winner this week?

PS - this isn't going to be easy as there is no shortage of morons out there: politicians, journalists, celebrities, frothing-at-the-mouth moonbats, and the like.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)