The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

Thanks again goes to Jim for these gems.

In an August segment on WWLP-TV (Springfield, Mass.), police chief Anthony Scott of Holyoke, Mass., described the extent of a recent domestic fight in which Ms. Yesenia Ortiz retaliated against alleged aggressor Victor Cruz: "She grabbed another knife and stabbed him in the winky...." (Cruz was arrested and taken to a hospital for treatment of his winky.) [WWLP-TV (Springfield), 8-14-06]

You see, as a police chief, you must know the correct terminology.

In an August rafting tournament on the Vuoksa River near St. Petersburg, Russia, which used only inflatable dolls of the kind typically sold in adult boutiques, Igor Osipov, 40, was disqualified upon finishing the race when (according to a report by Moscow News) observers "saw signs of recent sexual activity on (Osipov)'s doll." [Moscow News, 8-28-06]

I guess he just wanted to fulfill his fantasy of 'doing it' while floating downstream. You know, he was just using the doll for its intended purpose and now he's the laughingstock? No, I say shame on those other floaters who didn't screw their dolls.

The 30-year-old traditional festival of eel-"bowling" in the fishing village of Lyme Regis, England, was canceled in July after complaints from an animal rights activist that it was disrespectful to eels. In the ritual, teams of anglers stand on platforms and swing a giant (but dead) conger eel, attached to the ceiling, to see who will be the last person standing. Said a spokesman for the charitable event, which raises money for lifeboat crews, "But it's a dead conger, for Pete's sake. I shouldn't think the conger could care one way or another." [Reuters, 7-29-06]

Those poor, helpless, DEAD eels, how dare people ridicule them like that. F*ck, next thing you know animal rights will be outraged at pet owners for petting their pets. They will probably argue that petting animals removes essential oils from the animal's fur, which is a form of animal abuse. Duh.

In Jhalabordi village in India in August, a pigeon fell into a well, and five villagers went in, in succession, to rescue first the pigeon, and then the succeeding Samaritans, but all five died. And in Surkhondaryo province in Uzbekistan in August, a father and son were digging an overflow pit for an outdoor toilet when the walls collapsed, and five neighbors in succession were lowered into the pit to attempt a rescue, but all seven people wound up dead. [Herald Sun (Melbourne)-Reuters, 8-10-06] [News24.com (Cape Town)-Agence France-Presse, 8-14-06]

Looks like the Darwin Awards had a lot of nominees that month, eh.