The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns: Monkey Mayhem

No wonder so many unusual things occur in New Delhi, the place is run by monkeys.

They're out on the streets, riding the subways, acting as police officers, and are heads of parliament.

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but it's not much of a stretch from the truth when the people there allow monkeys into every facet of their lives, all because they're considered sacred.

"Monkeys and humans have long coexisted in India, where Hindus consider the primates sacred. In the ancient Sanskrit epic the Ramayana, the monkey god Hanuman symbolizes wisdom, devotion, righteousness and strength. Most days, but especially every Tuesday, devout Hindus feed Delhi's monkeys a feast of bananas and peanuts."

And, their logic in combating the monkey problem is to bring more primates into the picture:

"Most big cities in the world face the same kinds of problems: traffic, pollution, crime. Then there is New Delhi, which has a challenge rarely encountered elsewhere — monkeys. Hungry Rhesus macaques roam the streets and even the subway, leap through treetops outside grand government buildings and scale fences of companies and private homes in search of open windows and tempting food. Even Delhi's police headquarters has been raided by a monkey gang.

And to deal with such a rare urban problem, Delhi has come up with an unusual response: it's launched a monkey arms race. Companies and city officials have started employing langurs — large, black-faced apes — to protect buildings and scare off the smaller rhesus monkeys. "Any langur will do the business," says Zahid Khan, 20, who has been handling langurs since he was eight and most days chains one or two outside the Press Trust of India building, which houses TIME's Delhi bureau. "The monkeys are petrified of them."

What's next?

I know. They'll get the idea to secretly train troops of primates to do their bidding.

They'll teach them to invade first world countries everywhere and steal everything they can.

You heard it here first, folks.

New Delhi will soon be a first world superpower.

Alright, I've really gotta cut down on sniffing the kids' play glue.