The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

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Posted by Samantha at 08:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army

IN FLANDERS FIELDS the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

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Posted by Samantha at 07:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Here are some tests for you to take.

psych. test: why does everything psychological come down to sex for those people?

Here's a simple test in which you answer a simple, but morbid question.

My result: I'm clear of any wrongdoing.

Found at Dr. Helen's place, here's a quiz that may say a lot about you:

I'm a Lamborghini Murcielago!

You're not subtle, but you don't want to be. Fast, loud, and dramatic, you want people to notice you, and then get out of the way. In a world full of sheep, you're a raging bull.

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

Stupid thing about this last one is that I answered "no" to being loud, and I don't care if people notice me or not, and I'm not particularly dramatic. As for the rest, all true.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Anything anywhere remotely like Mortal Kombat is up my alley, so if you're relatively the same, you may enjoy Mascot Kombat.

Chief Stereotype is pretty funny, if you ask me.

My score: 236500

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Posted by Samantha at 01:08 PM | Permalink

Here are more search engine hits I've come across while checking my stats.

dr. dick tapper
soda pop flavors opinions
gay gigolò
breasts stare game
snakes 4 sale
bizarre/crazy/babe,s
i got wood
pimp my kia sportage
am i part indian
crossdress halloween
tickle robot
cheesy costumes
monkey poop scooper
female stand to pee demo
adult barbie clothing
plack pussy
killing pizza deliverers
handling blurters in the classroom
oh no, not her again!

My favourites: female stand to pee demo - I don't remember making that video demonstration, heck I don't even know if I could even if I wanted to.

pimp my kia sportage - uh, that would be a very absurd episode, eh. Not exactly the coolest car on the block.

plack pussy - I believe it's spelled plaque, and ew.

tickle robot - I could do without one of those... depending on where it tickles. Of course, they're probably referring to this article.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Congrats to cjg of eroticalee (NSFW) for being the first to realise that Nancy Pelosi looks like John Kerry, hence, is a natural moron.

It's a week of firsts.

Yes, there is a hypocrite in the House, and she dives headfirst into her role as moron this week.

I think one of the most questionable bits of info on this moron is her connection to communism.

In her past, she was on the executive committee of the socialist-leaning Progressive Caucus, with ties to the Democratic Socialists of America:

As only WND has reported, Pelosi is a long-time member of the "Progressive Caucus" – or, as I call it, the Congressional Red Army Caucus.

In fact, she has even served on the executive committee of the socialist-leaning Progressive Caucus,

"Nevertheless, the goal of the Democratic Socialists of America has never been deeply hidden. Prior to the cleanup of its website in 1999, the DSA included a song list featuring "The Internationale," the worldwide anthem of communism and socialism. Another song on the site was "Red Revolution" sung to the tune of "Red Robin." The lyrics went: "When the Red Revolution brings its solution along, along, there'll be no more lootin' when we start shootin' that Wall Street throng. ..." Another song removed after WorldNetDaily's expose was "Are You Sleeping, Bourgeoisie?" The lyrics went: "Are you sleeping? Are you sleeping? Bourgeoisie, Bourgeoisie. And when the revolution comes, We'll kill you all with knives and guns, Bourgeoisie, Bourgeoisie."

And, to make it worse (as if it's not bad enough), Pelosi comes across as a pro-terrorist, anti-American when she argues for terrorist rights and privileges:

"Pelosi believes that we should deal with the terrorists as a law enforcement matter – with all the trappings of rights for suspected terrorists that defendants in criminal trials are entitled to under our Constitution. Thus, she has called for the immediate closing of Guantanamo, declaring, “I think that we need a fresh start...a clean slate for America in the Muslim world.” No matter how she tries to explain it, the net effect of her “clean slate” approach would be to let the detainees go free, crouch into a defensive position and allow our country to become a sitting duck for a fresh attack on our soil."

It gets so bad that it seems like her hidden desire is to mail an open invitation to terrorists, asking them into the country:

"Pelosi voted against the REAL ID Act of 2005, which was aimed at stiffening federal laws to protect against terrorists’ entry to the country and their abuse of the state driver's license process to obtain false identification."

I also wonder if her other secret desire is to rename the country, Terror Central.

And, speaking of allowing everyone and their dog into the country with more rights and freedoms than actual US citizens, Pelosi apparently supports illegal immigration as she calls an illegal alien bust a "terrorizing raid":

"In 2003, she accused immigration officers of conducting “terrorizing raids” on a Wal-Mart retail chain, which led to the arrest of over 300 illegal aliens."

Whatever, dimbulb.

But, you know why she seems to support illegal immigration?

It's because her vineyard is staffed entirely by non-union workers. And, of course, non-union workers in fields are often known to be illegal immigrants.

I'm just saying.

And, I'm sure the environmental nutjobs who support her in politics wouldn't be too happy to learn that she is part owner of an exclusive country club that has

"...failed to comply with existing environmental regulations for the past eight years – including a failure to protect endangered species."

They're all morons.

Now, before I conclude this Moron of the House edition, I must mention that Pelosi did commend the Iraqi people and US troops for bringing Saddam Hussein to justice.

Okay, it was a backhanded congratulations, but I... uh... guess it stands for something:

"The Iraqi people are to be commended for bringing Saddam to justice in an Iraqi court. I commend our brave American troops in Iraq as well, for the trial could not have taken place without the security and logistical support they provided."

"Nearly three years after Saddam's capture, the U.S. Central Command said that Iraq is near chaos. That is clear evidence of the lack of progress in bringing security to Iraq and bringing American troops home."

Did they provide security in your opinion, or not?

And, why the frick would you pull troops when they are achieving goals?

Duh.

Anyhow, I'm sure seeing as she's Speaker of the House now, there will be plenty more moronity from this fool in the future.

It's a shame, but true.

Congrats again cjg of eroticalee (NSFW).

More on the moron:

Nancy Watch
Republicans slam Pelosi's comments as 'demoralizing'
Bill O’Reilly smears Nancy Pelosi
Nancy Pelosi's to-do list
The Hypocrisy of Nancy Pelosi
Nancy Pelosi is AWOL

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I don't quite get why they call this game Spider Bugs (possibly because you have to connect the bugs with a web-like thing?), but I played it and enjoyed it, so I'm sharing it with you.

My score: 5158

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Posted by Samantha at 05:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Found a site that has tons of bizarre condom and related weird stuff, so thought I'd share some of my favourites with you.

1. Clinton condoms - ultra fibbed! This about sums up his career as president.

2. Love that headline: Condom truck tips, spills load

3. The Burberry condom for those posh chicks.

4. Is this a demonstration of a black vs. a Japanese man's condom? Either way, look at the astonishment on this girl's face.

5. And, they say condoms make you lose sensation: here's the vibrating condom.

6. Refer to #1, How to put on a condom by mouth - instructions.

7. Japan, helping you get out of sticky situations: new "no touch" condoms from Japan.

And, that's it for now.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

GPS systems seem much cooler now that I've read this little news bit.

Satellite tracks the beer that RFID cannot reach

Dutch beer manufacturer Heineken is using satellite and mobile technology to track cargo shipments of beer from the Netherlands to the UK.

The containers will be fitted with wireless devices and tracked using GSM, GPRS and global positioning systems, providing real-time visibility at all stages.

Well, for the short term, anyhow, until I drink their profits away.
(oops, I was supposed to say that last bit under my breath)

Anyhow, nothing beats my own GPS system: Guzzling Precious Suds. With my system, I can track the product from the time it hits my mouth, to the time it vacates.

Lol, don't think too hard about that last line; you'll regret it.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Well, when you're naked and the police are after you, you've got to hide your weapon somewhere.

Naked man arrested after pulling awl from rectum

Passers-by called officers about 7:50 a.m. to report that a naked man was lying on a tree stump beside the Ohlone Greenway path, exposing himself and masturbating.

Police saw 33-year-old John Sheehan and arrested him on suspicion of indecent exposure.

Officers led him to the nearest street, the 2000 block of Kearney Avenue. Before putting Sheehan in the back of his car, Sgt. Paul Keith asked him if he had anything on him that police should know about.

Sheehan replied that he had hidden a screwdriver in his anal cavity, Horgan said.

That's at least two of them now, that I know of, who have something stuck up their a$$.

I suspect that this guy was not mentally disturbed until Cindy came along. Nowadays, he's probably just plain old mortified that he shares the same last name.

Poor fella.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Enough said.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:09 PM | Permalink

Oh ya, gotta love this website.

It's completely designed to encourage adultery for married people.

I don't know about you, but I'm disgusted.

I saw the commercial on tv some time ago and thought "that's sick"; profitting off illegal and immoral acts.

But, what's funny about this is that the owner's wife supports him in his money-making scheme:

Not illegal, but ill-gotten, gain seems to be of utmost importance to Morgenstern and his attractive wife, Marissa, who told CNN she was Darren’s “cheerleader.”

Idiots.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Here's a quiz that may get under the skin of many of my readers, and truthfully, it was difficult for me to take, too.

I kept wanting there to be a "do nothing" option.

Here are my results:

My score: 20

You are most like George Clooney. You are motivated to get involved with issues that you have personal experience with. You then use that experience to educate others.

Who is your inner celebrity-activist?

The only reason I got Clooney is because I chose all the answers with the least amount of obligation and work, lol.

All talk and superficial action.

Guess that says something about Clooney the Looney, too.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Thank you, Jim, for these news pieces. They're always great finds.

In September, police in the Georgia towns of Perry and Americus were investigating incidents probably involving the same unnamed man, who provided an additional dimension to the typical foot-fetishist: religion. An 80-year-old Wal-Mart shopper in Perry reported that the man was sitting on the floor of an aisle and asked her for help with his "religious" ritual. The lady accommodated him by stepping on his hands and then spitting on him, but when he began to lick her feet, she called for help. [Macon Telegraph, 9- 20-06]

How sick do you have to be, licking?

Least Competent Drug Agents: Just after federal and local narcotics agents cut down and bundled for destruction massive quantities of marijuana plants at a site in California's Marin County in September, officials reported that, despite security, 1,200 of the plants had been stolen before they could be taken away. [Marin Independent Journal, 9-2-06]

No agent would ever steal drugs; they're all innocent.

Either that, or they really are incompetent.

And, now for some news from some nether regions:

The Latest News From Places That Lack Sunshine: According to a September Reuters report, four gang-member inmates at the maximum-security Zacatecoluca lockup in El Salvador were caught with "cell phones, a phone charger and spare chips" in their rectums, "far enough (in) to reach their intestines," according to prison official Ramon Arevalo. [Reuters, 9-7-06]

Yes, I have a cell, but I also know there are a lot of rude idiots out there with them, too.

And in September, arrestee Melissa Roberge, 25, allegedly set fire to the mattress and blanket in her jail cell in Conway, N.H. She had earlier been frisked, but after the fire, a full-body search revealed a cigarette lighter in an unspecified "body cavity." [Caledonian-Record (St. Johnsbury, Vt.)-AP, 9-2-06]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I wrote a complaint letter to the pen company about this leaky pen I bought, but I couldn't figure out their reply due to the ink blotches on the page.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

And, don't mess with this b*tch, she'll take your a$$ out, or worse.

"I'm gonna to shoot him in his toodles."

You know, I half expected that chair to fly back across the yard.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This has got to be the creepiest haunted house ever.

It seems some teen "punks" wandered into a construction house and came across the Halloween hanging:

When the teens entered the home, they saw what looked like bags hanging from the rafters in the unfinished basement, they shot some BB guns and threw chunks of lumber at it, according to the sheriff's department.

Then they left and came back with a flashlight to discover it was the body of a man hanging from the rafters.

Halloween is creepy enough for some without having to encounter real dead bodies.

Last year, it was a woman dangling in a tree and this year, a guy hanging from the rafters.

I just wonder if the latest incident was enough to scare those kids straight.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

You still have a few days to nominate your favourite Canadian blogs at the 2006 Canadian Blog Awards, so be sure to do that while you can.

I've already been nominated in three categories - Best Blog, Best Humour Blog, and Best Personal Blog - so don't worry about me, but I encourage you to go out there and nominate others that you enjoy.

Thank you very, very much to those who nominated me.

Here's the info:

Nominations Close: Sunday November 12, 2006
Round 1 Voting Opens: Wednesday November 15, 2006

Here are some Canadian blogs that I know - in completely random order - whom you may wish to nominate (I apologise if I missed yours and please let me know so I can correct it):

Holly's fight for justice and she has Holly's fight to stop violence
Larry Hnetka Goes HMmmm
Macbro's Place
The maple lounge
West Coast Chaos
A north american patriot
IAM(also)CANADIAN
Abandoned stuff by Saskboy
daveberta
Dust my broom
Smartcanucks.ca
James Calder
Lala Land
Al b here
A golden world

And, PS, don't forget to support this site by clicking on the blogad to the left.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Canadian Blog Awards. [by MacBros' Place]
One more blurb and then I’ll zip it [by Larry Hnetka Goes HMmmm]
2006 Canadian Blog Awards - Voting has Begun [by James Calder]

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Posted by Samantha at 08:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Welcome all PERVs to another meeting time.

Seeing as it's near winter in most northern areas and harvesting is virtually over, I thought it would be nice to bring some tasty, good news to our meat eaters out there.

This spot o' meaty news comes from Jim:

Sometime next year, if all goes well, Brett Holm of Chaska, Minn., will begin selling his Season Shot, an improvement over current shotgun shells because its pellets dissolve on contact in the game meat and, more important, automatically flavor it for cooking. Holm told the Chanhassen (Minn.) Villager newspaper in August that he will initially offer lemon pepper, mesquite, Mexican, and Creole flavors, but, he said, chemists are at work right now to expand the selection. [Chanhassen Villager, 8-3-06]

Speaking of meat eater's in heaven, here are some cool meat-friendly products to purchase.

I'm debating between the steak hoodie and the sausage t-shirt.

And, to make you completely drool with pleasure, here's a weird meat eaters commercial for Kana: hot meat (at least that's what I think they're saying).

Lol.

PERVs PERVide PERVisions for plants instead of pulling the plug on their presence in this planet.

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting Adjourned.

Thanks muchly to VP PERV Diane's Stuff for the logo.

Previous PERV Posts

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PERVectly Ingenious [by Diane's Stuff]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

WTF IS THAT!? 3rd Edition.

The Gossip You Love To Hate

When n3rds collide

Round up the Usual Suspect Reactions!

"And the digger fights for freedom"

Election Eve Links

Don't forget to check out Shallow and Tacky for more great news bits.

PS. You may link your daily best articles here, see OTA FAQ.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
PERVectly Ingenious [by Diane's Stuff]
Take a trip to get pregnant [by Culturetastic]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

Ever feel like smashing up your computer when you see those words.

Perhaps it would easy our minds more if these ones replaced the original - at least we'd be able to laugh a little about it.

The page cannot be fucking displayed

don't you hate it when you read this in your book

This page cannot be displayed because you need some fresh air.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

That time of year is fast approaching, so here's the first installment of my Christmas Present Ideas. Of course, if you don't celebrate the holiday, these also make great gifts for any occasion.

And, this one is particularly a possible present that any pooch possessor may prize... or detest.

It's the Dog End Towel Holder.

Hey, at least the towels aren't brown when they come out.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

(click on image for more Crazy Sam Comics)

Much thanks goes to 123beta for this cartoon idea.

Previous/Related: Moron Revealed #46, John Kerry Calls Military A Bunch Of Lazy And Uneducated Idiots. *UPDATES*, John Kerry Calls Troops Stupid Round II *UPDATES*

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Another Crazy Sam [by 123beta]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Alabama Improper has been on the throne for two games now.

(That's what you call planned punning there with the "throne" thing.)

This week, will Alabama Improper remain the winner or will you be the next champion?

Good luck to all.

Here is the standard info for the game:

To your right is the Moron Of The Week posting from which you will be able to guess who you believe is the moron in the picture, then submit your answer in the comment section of this article. On Friday, I will provide the correct answer along with a link to the winning guess's site. Will you be the winner this week?

PS - this isn't going to be easy as there is no shortage of morons out there: politicians, journalists, celebrities, frothing-at-the-mouth moonbats, and the like.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Aren't you sick of seeing those messages in your email box?

Well, perhaps the next new product out there could end those nasty spams.

I doubt it, but I suppose it's possible.

Thanks goes to MacBro's Place for sending this in and enabling us to learn a little about AussieBum and their bulging underwear.

Wonderjocks help men "look bigger". The company AussieBum has created the Wonderjocks underwear, which are specially packed so that men can have the appearance of an increased size down below. Also known as the male version of faking it.

Anyone else humming the AC/DC lyrics to Big Balls right about now?

I've got big balls
Oh I've got big balls
And they're such big balls
Dirty big balls
And he's got big balls
And she's got big balls
(But we've got the biggest balls of them all)

Lol.

Nevertheless, does size really matter?

I thought it was all in how you use it.

Besides, if women cared at all about the size of a man's package, don't you think getting home and taking off those ginch in front of her might turn her off when she learns the truth?

Duh.

Anyhow, I can see where this whole underwear thing will go: AussieBum undies will be the start of it, then Hanes will compete by making an even BIGGER bulge, and to complete with the rest, Fruit of the Loom will create the GIGANTI-BULGE.

Thanks again MacBro's Place

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)