The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

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Posted by Samantha at 08:00 PM | Permalink

Go here to play the Mimulator game.

As much as you want to be the one killing the mimes (I'm sure), in this game, you are the mime who kills hecklers.

I didn't last too long. Good thing I'm not a mime.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This is one catchy tune.

UR Really Hott, and he's got his hand.

This has to be better than the original version.

Of course, here's Just a Girl's version of the song - also hilarious, which I've linked in the past: You’re beautifuuuuulll…

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink

In light of the recently aired special, Glenn Beck-Exposed: The Extremists Agenda, I thought I would share with you why the some liberals and many Europeans don't take the Al Qaeda/militant Islam threat seriously. Many actually believe that the entire thing is a grand conspiracy invented by neoconservatives. Yes, I kid you not. Can we say "cuckoo for coco-puffs?"

No one puts the entire conspiracy into perspective like Adam Curtis in this BBC Documentary "The Power of Nightmares". Michael Moore, take note, this film is done way better than your clap-trap documentaries. Now if they could some how weave in Bigfoot and space aliens, they'd have a plot for a new Hollywood movie!

I give you the grand conspiracy elegantly explained with a British Accent:

Part 1 - Ideology and Fantasy

Part 2 - Rumsfeld's Imaginary War

Part 3 - Birth of Islamic Extremists

Part 4 - Recruiting Christians/Concept of Terror

Part 5 - CIA's $1Billion Backs Future Terrorists

Part 6 - Ignored Warning of Terrorists

Part 7 - Destruction of the Republican Party

Part 8 - Clinton's Blowjob / Extremist Rampage

Part 9 - "There's No Al-Qaeda Organization"

Part 10 - "We're Gonna Find Those Evil Doers"

Part 11 - Hunt for Osama / The Disney Terrorists

Part 12 - Godzilla was a Terrorist Mentor

Part 13 - Dirty Bomb / Precautionary Principle

Part 14 - Fear is the Only Agenda

PS. In case you actually find yourself drinking the cool-aid from this documentary, go ahead and read a fairly balanced review of the information spewed.

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Posted by MrBig at 09:06 AM | Permalink

Well, it was a close one between Shock and Blog and Blogonomicon, but Blogonomicon beat everyone to the punch after the moron hint this week.

That means that cjg of eroticalee is out and Blogonomicon is the new champion for knowing that Al Franken is a moron.

And, what's not moronic about this guy? I mean, he's got the moron look, the failure as a broadcaster, and the moronic political perspective.

And, let's not forget his "comedic" acting. It's sucktacular at best.

He's not good enough, nor smart enough, and doggone it, he thinks people like him.

I mean, there's not much to remember about him other than being a one hit wonder of SNL (Saturday Night Live).

And, it appears he's also the one hit wonder of radio broadcasting, too, as his show Air America has gone bankrupt and left Franken in the dust.

Plus, it seems the guy isn't even good enough to get paid for the job, and when asked about the bankruptcy, he stated,

"We do know that there have been cash-flow problems. I haven't been paid in a while. Like, there's no cash flowing to me."

Well, let's just hope that's true.

You suck, Franken, get it?

You suck.

But, I guess he's too dense to realise his valueless persona since apparently he's been thinking of running for Senate in 2008.

Ya, that's really what the US needs, another dimwitted Dummicrat making decisions for everyone.

Ugh.

But, if Franken's history says anything about the guy, I'm sure he'll bomb at the polls too.

And, when it comes to his political moves, in 2004 Franken was all fisticuffs as he got into a brawl at a Howard Dean rally.

The brawl left him to tape up his glasses, making him more ridiculous-looking than ever. Just when you thought he couldn't look any more moronic....

Of course, that's nothing compared to the idiotic conservative-bashing video he made.

Seriously, what makes this guy think he has a chance at winning an election?

And, his comedically-challenged political manipulation doesn't stop there. He was also seen on Letterman and Today regurgitating his dippy joke about executing Rove, Libby and Bush:

"Yeah. And I don't know how I feel about it because I'm basically against the death penalty, but they are going to be executed it looks like." Franken later suggested that President Bush is at risk of receiving the same punishment.

And, when it comes to lying liars, Franken wrote the book - figuratively and literally. Although he chastises political figures and media personalities for their alleged lying, Franken is a prime example of the leftist hypocrisy. One article notes,

Air America radio host Al Franken says conservatives are racist because they lack diversity and oppose affirmative action. But fewer than 1 percent of the people he has hired over the past 15 years have been African-American.

The same qualities that he claims to abhor in his right-wing foes are displayed throughout the flick.

Stubborn disregard for facts, fondness for nasty personal attacks and endless supply of whiny voiced complaints makes “Al Franken: God Spoke” a must skip movie.

Actually, with those traits, perhaps you're just right for politics.

Lol.

Okay, I'm done with that moron. Congrats again Blogonomicon.

More on the moron:
Al Franken on Congressional Oversight
Air America's Al Franken on Letterman-Sept 1, 2006 (2 of 2)
(Caption This?) Photo of Al Franken in drunken rampage
Al Franken quotes
Crocodile Tears
Al Franken Is A Big Fat Loser.
Caution: Al Franken Dancing
INSIDE AIR AMERICA: AL FRANKEN'S LYING LIES
Al Franken: Not Much Profit in Stealing from Poor
frankenlies.com

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Head on over to the video to watch a helicopter open bottles of beer.

Doubtless, the caps aren't actually tight on the bottle, but I'm sure it's not easy to do nonetheless.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Here's a dictionary of the 100 Most Often Mispronounced Words and Phrases in English.

My admissions:

I always thought it was card shark, not cardsharp.
And, I still can't get used to staying barbiturate. I've always pronounced it barbituate.

Gotta love the Heineken remover part.

I must, however, disagree with their "forte" vs. "fort" commentary. That's up to the discretion of the speaker, in my opinion, since some dictionaries suggest such.

But, I do like their Marge Simpson addition: Foilage vs. Foliage, as well as Nucular vs. nuclear.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Thank You, Samantha Burns [by Illumination,Inc.]

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Once again, Jim comes through with some intriguing and quite funny news pieces.

A traffic officer in eastern Ontario, who ticketed a speeding motorist from Switzerland in September, said the driver blamed it on the lack of goats. He told the officer that he felt liberated to drive fast because, unlike in his country, there were no goats wandering onto the highway. [BBC News-AFP, 9-7-06]

Obviously this person wasn't driving around in my home town where the mountain goats come down onto the highways and laze about during the summer.

Hey, thinking about it, I suppose I can use that excuse if I'm ever caught for speeding, too. "But, officer, I'm used to goats wandering the streets; and without them, I lose all control and cannot resist speeding."

I guess we can just be glad it wasn't the other way around where he speeds up to ram goats intentionally.

Although, I've never tried goat steak before.

And, speaking of goat assault, here's a bizarre tale:

Authorities in the Nigerian village of Isseluku arrested a man for killing his brother in September, but the man insisted that he had only tried to move a goat from his farm but that when it wouldn't move, he hit it with an ax, at which point it turned into his brother (according to an Associated Press report). [South Florida Sun-Sentinel-AP, 9-17-06]

I wonder, if he is ever caught "doing" a goat, will he be arrested for committing incest?

Now, speaking of freaky sex acts,

Charles Henson was convicted of attempted murder in Bristol, England, in October, but insisted he couldn't have done it. His ex-wife said he had stuffed his latex-gloved hand down her throat, knowing that she had a latex allergy that would be fatal within minutes. Henson said that was impossible because, according to the couple's "contract" setting out their sadomasochism, bondage and domination rules, "section four" states very clearly that "the master does not have a right to kill the slave." [The Guardian (London), 10-17-06]

And, I don't know, but it's a little disturbing realising that a Henson may have stuffed his hand into something merely for sexual gratification.

I wonder if he called her his dirty little muppet.

Lol, did I go too far?

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Here's another reason why gaining a professorship is good, and perhaps another reason why I should head back to school for my Ph.D.

Professors win right to toke up at work

The use of medical marijuana has given two Toronto professors the right to something that many students could only dream of – access to specially ventilated rooms where they can indulge in peace.

The two, at the esteemed University of Toronto and at York University to the north of the city, suffer from chronic medical conditions that some doctors say can be eased by smoking marijuana. They are among nearly 1500 Canadians who have won the right to use the drug for health reasons.

*cough*

Leave it to us good ol' Canadians to find a way to make drug possession legal in school.

I'm just shocked it didn't happen here in BC (British Columbia: pot capital of the world).

And, in other news, I think I may have found a way to pay for my education....

It looks like things will be getting up, I mean looking up for some men out there since lap dances are legal again in Seattle.

The rules, which were struck down by last week's vote, included a requirement that strippers stay at least 4 feet away from customers.

I mean, I'm sure not too many women would care enough to support lap dancing. Well, the strippers would, but I highly doubt other women would care too much.

Oh, and me. I's gotta pay for muh lurnin' somehow.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink

What a Douche

Islamic Rage Boy To Star in Re-Make Of Animal House

Heh Heh - Joke of the Day

Texas takes stand against illegal aliens

Canadians of convenience

Calming Effect

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

One Sentence Wonders

Here are some that I enjoyed:

"One time I tore a dollar in half to buy a 50 cent popsicle."

"One time my older brother put his coat in the oven to try to dry it off, but it kinda caught on fire."

"It was one of those exams that you absolutely must pass if you want to continue in the program, and I failed the set-your-alarm-clock-properly portion."

Just a warning to those grammar- and punctuation-sensitive types like me, you may cringe at some of the sentences.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Here's my second installment of great gifts for those you love... or despise.

It's Knitting for Psychopaths. An appropriate title.

My favourites: The Unicorn, The Bunny with the carrot, and the Teddy Bear.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink

Eat your heart out PETA, KFC isn't going away anytime soon. In fact, quite the opposite as just yesterday, Colonel Sanders got a makeover.

It wasn't much of a makeover, they just added a red apron to the image, and I think the new image is slightly dorky with that apron, but it's enough to make me happy knowing that it's probably killing PETA right about now.

I'm sure they're plotting their next strategy as we speak, trying to incorporate a red apron into their lame protests.

And, it seems KFC is taking things a step further by ensuring they'll be the fast food of choice for alien life forms: KFC Advertises To Extraterrestrials

The KFC Corp. on Tuesday launched a rebranding campaign with an 87,500 square-foot image of Colonel Sanders in the Nevada desert which the company says makes Kentucky Fried Chicken the world's first brand visible from space.

"If there are extraterrestrials in outer space, KFC wants to become their restaurant of choice," KFC President Gregg Dedrick said in a statement.[more]

What more do we need?

UPDATE: Committees of Correspondence has more on the topic in his article, The Great Brand Space Race. I wonder how McDonald's plans to top that, too.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Canada labelled 'fossil' at climate change talks:

Canada took its lumps at the UN climate conference in Kenya Monday, tying with Australia in a "fossil of the day" award while being ranked near the bottom of an environmental group's list for efforts to combat global warming.

Opposition MPs and environmentalists from Canada, meanwhile, struck a common theme at a news conference in Nairobi, saying the federal government's lukewarm position on the Kyoto Protocol doesn't reflect Canadian public opinion.

"The majority of Canadians are firmly and strongly behind living up to our Kyoto obligations," said John Godfrey, the Liberal environment critic.

My position, for those unaware, is that it's a load of hooey. Yes, there is global warming, but it is a natural earthly cycle. It is not influenced by human actions as far as I'm concerned.

I won't go into it any further since it has been written about on this blog before, so if you would like to read more on it, here are a few articles my techie, MR.BIG, wrote: When Science Goes Awry, SHUT. YOUR. PIE. HOLE. A. BIT. MOORE, MICHAEL., SHUT. YOUR. PIE. HOLE. (take II), Global Warming Shmarming

And, isn't it great that those Liberal wackos are speaking for all of us. I'm sure they've got big plans for if they ever get back into power and start taxing the bejebus out of us with their "save the environment" cr*p they'll enforce.

I'm just speculating.

Anyhow, I might as well use this Canadian themed space to ask for your vote at the 2006 Canadian Blog Awards. Categories: Best Blog, Best Humour Blog, and Best Personal Blog.

Vote For Sam.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Bolton doomed, Israel in the cross-hairs, and politics as usual [by Right Truth]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

My on-air opinion is that this person looks as moronic as s/he is.

Now that's the truth.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Here's a two parter for you.

First, I'm reminiscing back to the 80s again with the Pacman pie chart.

It's mighty accurate.

And, second, here are some favourite quotes of The Simpsons by the AV Club.

I should create a list of my own favourites. I'm sure I'd make some pretty darn good picks.

"Stupid bug, you go squish now!"

Just one of many.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Being a Canuck who grew up in the Family Ties and Back to the Future era, it disturbs me a little to report this.

What the frick is with Michael and the hedge clippers?

Michael J. Fox Japanese Spot

Seriously, Limbaugh should have questioned the guy's sanity, not his Parkinson's disease.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I'm not feeling great right now, so I'm just putting up some links for your perusal today rather than writing an article. I have more stuff coming this afternoon, however, so head on back for that.

Burkas may have a bonus

A challenge!

WTF IS THAT!? 13th Edition.

A Few Thoughts On Saddam

Pelosi Proposes: "Let's Replace War in Iraq with a Moral Equivalent!"

sheehan is immortal

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The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Generals Call Democrats in Congress "naive" [by Wake up America]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

This is either going to turn out as an asset or a hindrance for this kid: Singaporean is world's fastest text messager.

A Singaporean student broke the Guinness World Record for the shortest time needed to type a 160-character SMS message on Sunday after whizzing through the task in less than 42 seconds in a competition.

Sixteen-year-old Ang Chuang Yang typed the SMS (short message service) message in 41.52 seconds, beating the previous record of 42.22 seconds set by American Ben Cook in July, according to Singapore Telecommunications, organizers of the competition.

Either he can use this ability to text message tons of girls and make several dates, or he can use his speedy hands after he has been shot down by the girls who consider him a nerdy loser with a tacky talent.

No matter what, his handy work should benefit him in various ways.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Here's a place I could waste a few hours at.

They have several remade 1980s video games, including Frogger.

Woo hoo, Frogger.

Lol.

Oh ya, and Pong.

Some of the games have glitches, which could annoy, but still fun nonetheless.

My score before quitting the Duck Hunt game out of boredom: 110500

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Posted by Samantha at 05:03 PM | Permalink

Here's a Pacman Illusion that's cheaper than buying the game.

Pretty cool.

And, here's a really good giraffe illusion. I usually can never get these things to work, but this one worked super well.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Some more great news came my way thanks to Jim.

Underachieving former St. Thomas Law School (Miami) student Thomas Bentey filed a federal class action lawsuit against the school in August, alleging that it knew when it accepted him that he couldn't muster the necessary 2.5 grade-point average to stay in school (and thus defrauded him, and dozens of his classmates of similar talent). [National Lew Journal, 9-1-06]

I'm sure if you looked at the kid, you'd know right away.

Duh.

Christopher Bordne, 17, was arrested in September in Newton, Mass., after a police officer, waiting behind Bordne at a traffic light at 1:40 a.m. through several light changes, checked to find Bordne with his foot on the brake but otherwise sound asleep. After yelling at Bordne and rapping repeatedly on the window with his flashlight, the officer watched as Bordne woke up, drove off and crashed into a tree. [Daily News Tribune (Newton), 9-19-06]

And, who wants to bet the kid sues the officer for waking him and causing him to crash?

Adult video star Mary Carey, once again running for governor of California, said she is a new person from the woman who was an also-ran in 2003: "I've got brown in my hair (instead of the 2003 blond) because brunettes are taken more seriously." She said she also has lost weight, replaced her teeth, gotten breast implants, and given up smoking, contraceptives and alcohol. "I've actually been sober for five days now," she said on Aug. 9. (Carey dropped out of the race on Oct. 23 to care for her mother, who is recovering after a recent fall.) [Reuters, 8-9-06]

Like, brown is taken, like, so much seriouslier.

You know.

Tee-hee.

And, like, sober for, like, 5 days. That's, like, so hot.

Tee-hee.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink

CJG of eroticalee is the one to beat this week.

Are you going to be able to do it, or will cjg of eroticalee maintain the throne?

Good luck to everyone.

Here is the standard info for the game:

To your right is the Moron Of The Week posting from which you will be able to guess who you believe is the moron in the picture, then submit your answer in the comment section of this article. On Friday, I will provide the correct answer along with a link to the winning guess's site. Will you be the winner this week?

PS - this isn't going to be easy as there is no shortage of morons out there: politicians, journalists, celebrities, frothing-at-the-mouth moonbats, and the like.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

At least, that's the story I'm making up and sticking to after reading The Absurd Report's article on last week's moron, Nancy Pelosi.

It's a funny bit of news on the bat, so go ahead and mosey on over there.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink