The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns: November 19, 2006

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The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Knucklehead Award Friday Part One [by The Florida Masochist]
It's all about the party......... [by THE HILL CHRONICLES]
Open Trackback Weekend [by The Amboy Times]
Using New Forensic Techniques to Profile a Criminal Mastermind [by Conservative Cat]
Things I-ve Done [by Planck's Constant]
By Demons Be Driven [by Noblesse Oblige]
Uncooperative Talk Radio - Weekend of November 25, 2006 [by The Uncooperative Blogger]
Why I am the way I am (episode III) [by ★imaginekitty★]
A Christmas Story Redux [by Pirate's Cove]
WTF IS THAT!? 24th Edition. [by MacBros' Place]
The Knucklehead of the Day award [by The Florida Masochist]
Michael Richards apologizes for Hurtful Words - Ag [by Planck's Constant]

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Posted by Samantha at 08:00 PM | Permalink

Support This Site

Hope Your Thanksgiving Wasn't Lame

timmy gobble south park turkey
"GOBBLE!"

For those of you who aren't still passed out from the tryptophan, enjoy your weekend.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:03 PM | Permalink

Moron Revealed #58

Moron of the Week - 58 - David Letterman

Woo hoo, imaginekitty got it just in the nick of time.

And, I thought no one would.

Yes, imaginekitty is correct that this week's moron is David Letterman.

And, getting right down to it, here are some reasons why....

David Letterman is nothing more than a stinkin' moronic moonbat who doesn't have the wit enough to actually answer questions; he can only ask them.

Case in point, when Bill O'Reilly was on the show recently, Letterman couldn't hold up his end of the conversation and could only answer questions with questions: O'Reilly too smart for Letterman.

In typical moonbat form, Letterman proves that he is a load of hot air with nothing important to say and has no sense to respond intelligently.

And, you can see more of Letterman's moronic behaviour as he reverts to childish name-calling when he realises he's losing the battle: Letterman calls O'Reilly a bonehead.

Perhaps Letterman was just jealous that O'Reilly got more support and laughs than he, and that's probably also why he continued cutting off O'Reilly. Whenever a moonbat can't respond with intellect, they revert to uneducated name-calling and diverting of questions.

Whatever the reason for his behaviour, Letterman is clearly a moronic moonbat (and that's not name-calling; that's a fact - in my opinion, lol).

And, there's further proof here as he calls Ann Coulter a bitch and suggests setting her up with a murderer, I mean novelist, OJ Simpson.

Of course, note that he's taken to calling people names behind their backs rather than to their faces after being slammed by O'Reilly.

Forget Late Night's "stupid pet tricks", when you watch that show, you get stupid Letterman schticks.

Further proof of Dave's moronic tendencies is his decade-long desire to have, ugh, Oprah on his show.

Anyone who wants to get that near to Oprah has got to have a screw loose.

I guess one of the funniest things I've read about this moron is the fact that he actually had a restraining order against him for allegedly sending subliminal messages to a viewer through the tv.

In December 2005, a fan named Colleen Nestler (whom Letterman claimed he had never met) sought a temporary restraining order in a Santa Fe, New Mexico court against Letterman, claiming he used code words and gestures on his television broadcasts to convey romantic feelings toward her.

Why anyone would want to be stalked, or would want to stalk, this guy is beyond me.

Anyhow, for what it's worth, David Letterman is this week's moron, so congrats again to imaginekitty on the win.

How Many Licks?

If they made chicken flavoured lollipops, could we call them cock suckers?

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Posted by Samantha at 05:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Christmas Present Ideas #3

Treat your loved one to some laptop love (ya, what are you thinking, you perverts) by giving them these winter USB gloves.

And, the next item is probably one of the more disgusting things I've seen online in a while.

(Warning: the following site has links that take you to real porn; graphic)

If you have someone you care little or nothing about, then you may want to send a turd.

It really "'Tis better to give than to receive."

Of course, if that fecal gift is too graphic for you, you may prefer sending a good luck poop. You can light it, too.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Christmas Gifts [by Shadowscope]

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 PM | Permalink

Thanksgiving Day Fun

I saw this over at Diane's Stuff, who got it from Skye’s who got it from Renaissance Blogger. The idea is simple: copy, bold the things you’ve done, and post.

Here are mine:

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
All these things that I've done [by Right Thoughts...not right wing, just right.]
Things I-ve Done [by Blue Star Chronicles]
Things I Have And Have Not Done [by The World According To Carl]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

The Booty Burden, Dining On Dick, And A Little Talking Jewelry

Jim sends us more great news bits. Thanks Jim.

Korinne Barnes, 29, a single mother of three running for the North Kingstown (R.I.) School Committee, was finally persuaded in September to remove her MySpace.com personal listing in which she described herself as "smart, sexy, fun" and a "voluptuous chocolate sister with a big booty." [Providence Journal, 9-21-06]

So, what are they saying? If you're a d*mn sexy lady, you can't run for school committee? They just want old biddies and nerdy, librarian types?

That profile is hardly offensive compared to some of the trash I've seen in MySpace.

The small, specialty restaurant Guolizhuang, in Beijing, serves mostly dishes made from various animal penises, according to a September BBC News dispatch, attracting discerning customers who come for the reputed health benefits. Sheep, horse, ox and seal are good for the circulation, said the restaurant's staff nutritionist, and donkey improves the skin. Tiger, she said, has no particular value to justify its high price, but snake ("two penises each," she said) is great for potency. [BBC News, 9-23-06]

I don't know about you, but I think I'd rather die young with no sex drive and poor circulation than munch on donkey balls with other wackos.

Lol, I guess you can say that people in Beijing really like to eat cock.

Of course, we already eat chicken penis. Isn't that how McDonald's gets their nuggets?

In October, The Washington Post reported the growing movement among psychiatrists to call compulsive buying a separate, identifiable disorder and recounted this 62-year-old "shopaholic's" therapeutic conversation with herself: "I would say (to the jewelry she felt compelled to buy), 'You are so beautiful, I can't live without you, I love the way you sparkle.' The jewelry would say back, 'You need me. You look pretty when you wear me.' I would say, 'I do need you. I can't possibly think of being without you. But something has to change. I need to stop this. I can't afford a penny more.'" The patient said she eventually came to believe that her compulsion stemmed from her relationship with her mother. [Washington Post, 10-13-06]

Let me guess, from childhood, too, right?

Doesn't it sound like the psychiatrist gave her a new form of nuttiness to add to her compulsion? I mean, yes, bad to be a clinical shopaholic, but isn't it just as bad to be talking to some inanimate object like jewelry, especially when it talks back?

Duh.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

US Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to my US buds out there.

Thanksgiving turkey

Pack some leftovers to send my way, eh ;-D

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Moron Hint

Don't fall for this former weatherman's subliminal messages.

PS - MR.BIG reminded me to say it is **NOT** OJ.

Lol.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Furniture Porn

I'm sure I really don't have to explain any further, and quite frankly, I'm not sure what I could add, so here's furniture porn if you're into that really freaky stuff.

Go ahead and peruse the site of furniture fetishism.

Of course, if you're not into watching, there's always telephone sex.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Fizzle, Fizzle, Snap, Pop

Check out these random items being zapped by a microwave at 123beta's place.

I thought the lightbulb would have exploded more than it did, but the matches were quite a light show - gotta love that ding at the end.

I'd warn you not to try this stuff at home, but I'm sure you wouldn't listen anyhow.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Microwave [by 123beta]

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Does That Mean George Lucas Is Their God?

Apparently, there are some really nerdy people out there - perhaps as nerdy as Trekkies.

Sad, but true.

These people are Star Wars fanatics who want their beliefs to be acknowledged as a religion by the UN.

The Religion of Star Wars:

They also want today's International Day for Tolerance renamed Interstellar Day of Tolerance.

Umada and Yunyun said: "For the last ten years the United Nations has marked the International Day of Tolerance. While we support this important work, we feel the UN needs to move with the times.

"Like the UN, the Jedi Knights are peacekeepers and we feel we have the basic right to express our religion through wearing our robes, and to be recognised by the national and international community.

You know, as lame as that is, if it came down to two choices, I'd believe in Star Wars before I believed in Scientology.

Lol.

The "religion" has two names: it can be called either Star Wars or Jedi Knight.

But, I think they should just lump all movie- and tv-based religions into one category and call them all the religion of the nerds. I mean, there have to be some dorks out there who have pulled religious Star Trek values out of their a$$, right?

And, there's also the worship of Matrixism.

Okay, you can stop rolling your eyes now.

But, if you want to see how other religions compare to the Star Wars religion, check out this article: The Force Is With...Everyone

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Greenpeace South Park

Those are words I never thought I'd see together.

It looks like greenpeace is up to their usual shenanigans as they introduce a Blame Canada video.

The goal of this fraudulent South Park story is to brainwash the youth into thinking trawling in Canada and Spain is wrong.

They've taken on Mel Gibson, Saddam Hussein, Satan and Jesus.

Now the potty-mouthed kids from South Park are featured in an online advertisement - and their target is the Canadian government and its opposition to a ban on bottom trawling on the high seas. Greenpeace posted a video spoof online starring Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman, who slam Canada's stance on deep-sea dragging just as a six-day round of talks on sustainable fisheries began at the United Nations.

I'd be so p*ssed if I was Trey Parker or Matt Stone.

I mean, I'm pretty certain that they aren't exactly the biggest fans of enviro-weenies. I'm kinda crossing my fingers that they retaliate in a most humourous way.

Kids, if you're reading this, Greenpeace blows... but hopefully you already knew that.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Canadian Blog Awards, 2006

Today's the last day of voting. Be sure to vote for your favourite Canucks at the Blog awards.

My categories: Best Blog, Best Humour Blog, and Best Personal Blog. You are allowed to vote daily.

And, don't forget to nominate others at the upcoming 2006 Weblog Awards.

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Posted by Samantha at 11:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (21)

Merely Time Killers

I think you have to be as drunk as P. Diddy, or Puffball, or Poofster, or whatever his name is today to enjoy watching this: P. Diddy drunk and ragging on Proactiv celebs.

You may also want to be drunk when messing around with this thing: her hair moves with your mouse.

Like I said, these were merely time killers.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Punch Out A Celeb

Too bad this wasn't a real life experience.

Imagine how much better it would be if this was a virtual reality celebrity punchout game.

Of course, my first pick was Osama Bin Laden, and I'm so glad I didn't get an arse whoopin' from Michael Jackson - he KO'd pretty easy.

I'm kinda surprised he actually threw punches; I thought it would be more of a swatting, cat fight.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

The Plastinarium

It seems like the creator of the Body Worlds exhibits, which have been travelling the world, is now creating a corpse factory.

I wonder if they'll be giving out free samples of corpso-cola and candied carcasses.

Actually, the "factory" won't likely be selling the products they make, instead they will be enabling their tourists to watch the processes of body preservation.

He will be calling it the Plastinarium.

Gunther von Hagens' newest addition to his displays of preserved human and animal bodies and organs, which have attracted more than 20 million viewers around the world, is aimed at offering the public what he calls a unique view of the preservation process, called "plastination."

Plastination preserves the corpses by replacing body fluids with liquid plastic. The plastic is hardened, leaving tissues intact. Bodies can then be displayed without formaldehyde or glass containers, so onlookers can come within centimetres of exposed organs.

So neat.

For more information on the Body World exhibits, visit Larry Hnetka Goes HMmmm, Diane's Stuff, or read my opinion in Morbid Or Beautiful?

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

To Avoid Confusion

This article contributed by Conservative UAW Guy.

Sometimes when I speak, there are questions as to what I am referring to.
Case in point -

This is a pop-tart:
pop tart

A pop-tart sings (kind of), acts (poorly) and sells images of sexuality and eroticism to underage girls after displaying an initial facade of innocence and wholesomeness to rope them and their parents in. They then becoming increasingly slutty as more dollars roll in.
They come filled with simplistic ideas of life and the universe, along with a vapid personality. Pop-tarts generally have a limited useful lifespan, and are expensive to maintain.

This (below) is a Kellogg's Pop-Tart.

poptart

It is a warm, delicious toaster pastry, which comes filled with yummy trans-fat and a sweet fruit filling.
Mmmmmm...trans fat and fruit filling....
They have no personality, but who cares when they're so tasty! Very low maintenance.
Economical, but with a very short lifespan (gulp!)

This next picture is of a pup-tard.

Pup-tard

A pup-tard is neither a hyper-sexualized "entertainer", nor a warm, tasty toaster pastry. He is warm however, and expensive to maintain, as he likes to eat most anything. He comes filled with love, teeth, insatiable curiosity, piss, vinegar, and oodles of personality. High maintenance, but worth it for the protection, snuggling, and hippy/commie-biting properties.

His potential lifespan is questionable, as it is a variable that changes with inverse proportionality to his bad behavior. Good thing he's cute and lovable.

I hope this lesson cures any confusion there might have been regarding this terminology. My goal is your edification.

Article contributed by Conservative UAW Guy.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

What Religion Fits You Quiz

Hat Tip: Committees of Correspondence for this pious quiz.

You fit in with:
Taoism

Your ideals mostly resemble those of the Taoist faith. Spirituality is the most important thing in your life. You strive to live by all of your ideals, and live a very intellectually focused life.

20% spiritual.
20% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

I'm going to have to look up this religion, which I know almost nothing about.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Twas the night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the House
Pelosi was a stirring, with Murtha the louse;

The Dems were asking to hang George without care,
In hopes the troops would soon be back from over there;

While the Dems have been known to be way off their meds,
The voters took to replacing a few Republican talking heads;

The voters fell into the nastiest of traps,
With a choice between loonies or pork belly flaps;

With pork belly spending getting fatter and fatter,
The voters didn’t know what to do with the matter;

The voters had enough of the Republican trash,
But will their decision end up giving a rash;

Now you’d think with such a devastating blow,
The Republicans would eat some of their crow.

You might even guess they’d have something to fear,
That their jobs would be gone in some other year;

But Rumsfeld was gone as George threw him out quick,
Enough to make some voters overly sick.

Just when some thought Republicans would own some of the blame,
In the end the conservative base will get more of the same;

Well 2008 is going to give them a fixin',
Their heads in their arse so they’ll get another good lick’en;

The Republicans still have more room for a fall,
And next time with Hillary in charge of it all;

Now the Democrats have a bigger piece of the pie,
That has to be said with an unfortunate sigh;

And worse yet still, it will stay that way too,
So long as the Republicans hold on to their poo;

So more of John Kerry the tall Heinz aloof,
And more of Ted Kennedy the old fat goof;

Principles will be lacking and narrowly found,
Where conservative ideas aren’t around;

Republican leaders you best seek some input,
From your base or you’ll see something afoot;

Republicans best start sending illegals on back,
And make sure the fence building stays upon track;

Fight hard to put originalists upon the judiciary,
As whom the Democrats want will no doubt be scary;

Don’t act like you’ve been abducted by a liberal UFO,
The base wants to see some serious get-up-and-go;

Keep John McCain from kicking the base in the teeth,
You might want to tie him up in some sort of sheathe;

The base doesn’t want a House full of nervous Nellies,
Nor does the base want their leaders stuffing their potbellies;

Don’t treat tax payer money like a trough for yourself,
Getting kickbacks or cars or even a new mantelshelf;

Start thinking like Reagan-his thoughts in your head,
And the base can go back to fearing Democrats instead;

The Republicans need to get back to their work,
Before the base replaces them with some other jerk;

You can be sure the voters won’t be holding their nose,
And vote for a Republican who smells less than a rose;

So next time the base feels another dismissal,
The Republican Party will be sent to an abyssal;

So for now the government has turned away from the right,
But the hope is the end of that will soon be in sight.

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Posted by MrBig at 09:03 AM | Permalink

Intro To Moron Of The Week #58

Blogonomicon was the winner last week for knowing that Al Franken is a moron.

So, will you be able to beat Blogonomicon, or will Blogonomicon remain the holder of the throne?

Good luck to everyone.

Here is the standard info for the game:

To your right is the Moron Of The Week posting from which you will be able to guess who you believe is the moron in the picture, then submit your answer in the comment section of this article. On Friday, I will provide the correct answer along with a link to the winning guess's site. Will you be the winner this week?

PS - this isn't going to be easy as there is no shortage of morons out there: politicians, journalists, celebrities, frothing-at-the-mouth moonbats, and the like.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Another Caption Contest - Bush Flips the Bird! [by Right Pundits]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (24)