The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

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Posted by Samantha at 08:00 PM | Permalink

Please VOTE TODAY for your favourites and me at the Canadian Blog Awards.

My category: Best Humour Blog
I believe I'm in last place, so give it all you've got to push me up there.

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Posted by Samantha at 07:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

This may not be the time of year for many people to be looking at this sort of stuff, but here's a video showing you how you can get a farmer's tan corrected.

Ya, that's much better than taking your shirt off completely.

Duh.

And, he freaked me out when he first took his top off.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Sunday Funnies [by Stop The ACLU]

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink

Here's a toss game in which you can play either a winter toss or summer toss.

Somehow it screwed up while I was playing and a winter character ended up throwing an umbrella in the summer game.

Odd.

But, when you're playing against the computer, you may want to skip the advertising bits - it's pretty lame.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:01 PM | Permalink

Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do, and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women.

Another Musical Interlude

Liberals: Making fun of rednecks and gays

Dems Break 9/11 Commission Promises

PS. You may link your daily best articles here, see OTA FAQ.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:10 AM | Permalink

imaginekitty remains the winner!

The correct guess, which imaginekitty made, is Natalie Maines - lead singer of the Ditsy Twits, I mean Dixie Chicks.

Yes, our countries (US and Canada alike) are fortunate to have freedom of speech; however, it would be nice if some morons waved that right.

And, with that, I'm talking about Natalie Maines' routine anti-war/anti-Bush ramblings. It all started with Maines insulting the US president while in another country:

The Dixie Chicks are drawing criticism from country music fans for remarks singer Natalie Maines made about President George W. Bush during a recent performance in London.

Maines told the audience earlier this week, “Just so you know, we're ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas.”

Angry phone calls flooded Nashville radio station WKDF-FM on Thursday, some demanding a boycott of the Texas trio's music.

I mean, to say it is one thing (one very stupid and nasty thing), but to say it to another country is borderline treasonous (if not borderline, then undeniably treasonous).

Off with her head!

Lol.

And, after all the backlash and criticism from fans, the country music world, and loyal US citizens, Maines decides to apologise.

Ya, right.

It was reported that Maines made an apology in a Diane Sawyer interview that was less than sincere:

I think it came down to, it was ... that it was in a foreign country and it was that it was an off-the-cuff statement…And I think the way I said it was disrespectful. The wording I used, the way I said it, that was disrespectful…

And, she goes on to say,

People have quoted we don’t support the troops, which is the opposite of anything we have ever said. There is not a correlation between not wanting a war and not supporting the troops who are doing their job…

Freakin' moonbats.

I guess our only solace is seeing that their record sales dropped significantly and boycotts of their music were in effect.

That's excellent considering their music sucks donkey balls.

Oh ya, and when that excuse didn't work with the public, she tried for the "it was a joke" cover-up:

Maines admitted that she told a London concert audience that the group was ashamed that the President is from their home state of Texas, but added, "It was a joke and it wasn't planned.

That explains why you have that "documentary" insulting the country, as well as have taken back your pseudo-apology:

The Dixie Chicks' Natalie Maines apologized for disrespecting President Bush during a London concert in 2003. But now, she's taking it back.

"I don't feel that way anymore," she told Time magazine for its issue hitting newsstands Monday. "I don't feel he is owed any respect whatsoever."

You thought, hey, we could make some money off our anti-war/anti-Bush ramblings now that Cindy Sheehan and other loonie moonbats are squawking.

Pandering to the feeble minded, that's all it is.

What a dumbf*ck.

Heh.

Of course, this is also the knucklehead who dedicated a song to Kevin Federline upon his divorce with Britney Spears.

"I'm gonna dedicate this next song to K-Fed," Maines said at the concert, that counted the cast of NBC's "Heroes" among those in attendance.

"I was just thinking, I bet nobody's dedicated a song to him today," she added.

Perhaps this will be the next moronic couple to hit the tabloid stands.

Just watch out K-Fed, if you end up with her, you may be asking for your own demise (not that that would be a bad thing). It seems moron Maines used to cry in the shower and dream of her first hubby's death while they were married.

Cuckoo.

Anyhow, that's enough of this moron. Congrats again, imaginekitty, on maintaining the throne.

More on the moron:
Natalie Maines Is Worthless Scum
DIXIE CHICKS QUESTION YOUR PATRIOTISM
Dixie Chicks singer apologizes for Bush comment
Heart of Dixie
Natalie Maines wiki

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Posted by Samantha at 12:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

No, this isn't going to turn into a recipes blog, but I thought I'd share one of the quickest, easiest ways to add some poundage over the holidays.

Ingredients
2 1/2 tbsp butter
1 c. marshmallows
1/4 tsp vanilla
2 c. rice crispies cereal

In microwave-safe bowl, melt butter and marshmallows together. Stir in vanilla, add cereal and stir 'til coated.

Press into pan. Cool. Cut into Squares. Devour.

Makes 8 squares, enough for one or one people (supposed to be one or two people, but you know you'll eat the whole lot).

Of course, if that's too much work for you, then there's always 7-11.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Gotta love it when amazon has a little fun with the products they're selling.

Here are Products That Aren't Adult Toys But Look Like They Should Be.

Wonder what this looks like.

And, these have always disturbed me just a little bit.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Hat Tip: Thanks goes to The View From The Nest for inspiring me to write about Santy Claus.

I am assuming (hoping) that my primary reader base is adults (considering the content I often post), nonetheless I want to raise awareness that NORAD tracks Santa.

Yes, now you can go online to the NORAD (The North American Aerospace Defense Command) military site to track Santa's progress.

NORAD uses four high-tech systems to track Santa - radar, satellites, Santa Cams, and jet fighter aircraft.

And, while perusing the net, I encountered a few other sites you may want to share with the wee ones (as with all things related to children online, check the sites yourself first to make sure they're appropriate):

Claus.com
The North Pole
And, learn all about Kris Kringle as wikipedia.
Santa's Journal
Santa's Workshop
Write and Email Santa (perhaps best to do this with adult supervision, if you trust it)

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink

As a live-in nanny, short of actually being sick, I really have no excuses I can use to get out of work.

Kinda hard to tell my boss, MR.BIG (also my techie for those unaware), that a raging bull is setting to charge outside my suite door and I can't get out to work.

But, for those who can use various reasons to ditch work, here is a list of the weirdest stories I've heard in a while:

1) Employee was poisoned by his mother-in-law.
2) A buffalo escaped from the game reserve and kept charging the employee every time she tried to go to her car from her house.
3) Employee was feeling all the symptoms of his expecting wife.
4) Employee called from his cell phone, said he was accidentally locked in a restroom stall and no one was around to let him out.
5) Employee broke his leg snowboarding off his roof while drunk.
6) Employee's wife said he couldn't come into work because he had a lot of chores to do around the house.
7) One of the walls in the employee's home fell off the night before.
8) Employee's mother was in jail.
9) A skunk got into the employee's house and sprayed all of his uniforms.
10) Employee had bad hiccups.
11) Employee blew his nose so hard, his back went out.
12) Employee's horses got loose and were running down the highway.
13) Employee was hit by a bus while walking.
14) Employee's dog swallowed her bus pass.
15) Employee was sad.

I guess I could actually use #5 with all the snow we have here right now.

Lol.

So, have you ever given a bizarre reason for skipping out?

Let us hear it.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Hopefully this person made plenty of room for all his/her big mistakes.

And, just so you know, we're also ashamed of you, but don't get your feelings hurt over it.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Also known as Men's Room Etiquette.

Possibly a future teaching aid for school kids???

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Some readers may enjoy this one more than others, but head to the mammoplasty place to see if you can tell the difference between real ones and fake ones.

I'm not a booby master. My score: 57%

Except, I got the Pamela Anderson one wrong, and I'm sure that picture was taken after she got them removed. You tell me.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I just saw the commercial for the 2006 Billboard Music Awards and got a mini laugh out of it.

Apparently, they're trying to sell the show based on the fact that Janet Jackson will be performing live on it.

They're saying something like, "you never know what's going to happen", referring, of course, to her breast exposure at that football game.

Well, I've got something to say about that...

Whoopy.

We've already seen it. We can see it right now. Again and again.

It's been done. She's old news.

And, I mean old.

The only way it could be topped is with full nudity, and that's something I don't think anyone should be subjected to.

Oh ya, and don't give me that bologna that it was an accident. Nobody puts on pasties without planning to expose them.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

You know, when I began this blog, I never thought I'd be writing about panda porn.

I never thought such a thing existed.

But, it seems Thailand - the land of sex and sexuality - has thought enough to create some panda pornography to get their bears mating:

After years of painstaking research, scientists say they have unleashed a baby boom among one of the world’s most beloved but endangered animals, China’s giant panda.

A bit of panda porn has helped too, they say.

“It works,” enthuses Zhang Zhihe, a leading Chinese expert, about showing uninitiated males DVDs of fellow pandas mating.

I mean, I know they have to be raised in captivity these days because human developments have taken away their habitat and all, but what's the point of hanging onto a thread?

I guess until they actually do go extinct, they've got their porn to keep them going.

And, in other panda news, it seems the animal's poo can bring in quite a profit for the zoo in Thailand.

When keepers of the country's panda couple - Chuang Chuang and Lin Hui - tired of disposing the 25 kilograms of feces daily produced by the duo, Prasertsak Buntragulpoontawee came up with the idea of turning it into notebooks, fans, bookmarks and key chains.

"At first the Chinese were very skeptical," said the head of Chiang Mai Zoo's panda unit, referring to the proprietary attitude China takes toward its iconic animal.

But the multicoloured paper products have proven hot selling-items at the zoo, with the the equivalent of about C$9,350 earned to date helping balance the accounts of panda keeping.

I just hope I don't get any mail from Thailand; I'm not sure I'll want to touch it.

And, imagine fanning yourself with sh*t.

I think that would make for both a hot and smelly day.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

At least, that's what it did for me.

It's bad enough the game's written in French (although, you don't need instructions to understand the concept of the game), but it's tough too.

Don't ask me what it's called; I don't do French.

4.734 seconds is my time for first try. That's bad.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Here are some more Christmas items I just know you'd love to get your whole family.

Fruity fartin' Fred
Stale BeerFarts, Jr.
And, of course, the age-old poo poo platter.

But, I really would love to own one of these: mooning gnome. Too bad it isn't holding a welcome sign.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

More news bits come our way thanks to Jim.

Hard-working Britain: The Birmingham City Council revealed in October, first, that a man whose job is to paint white lines in the street made more than twice the average annual British wage, and then that a city lightbulb-changer was paid at about the same rate. [Reuters, 11-1-06]

Plus, street line painting is a prestigious occupation. Wouldn't you like that job? I know I would.

Heh heh heh.

And in October, London's Daily Mail profiled Keith Jackson, 57, an engineer for the AquaTec Coatings company in Wales, whose occupation for the last 30 years has been watching paint dry (to gauge its application time). He said the job pays "fairly well" but "can be stressful." [Daily Mail (London), 10-5-06]

How f*cking lazy is this guy if he gets stressed out over WATCHING PAINT DRY?

Lawrence Roach of Seminole, Fla., complained in October that the $1,200 monthly alimony payments he has been making to his ex-wife should end, now that she has undergone a sex-change. Said Roach, "I'm a man, and I don't want to be paying alimony to a man." (Legal experts were pessimistic about his chances.) [BayNews9.com (Tampa-St. Petersburg), 10-4-06]

Sucks for him, but I'm sure he'll have to pay anyhow seeing as it's the person, not the gender, that he is obligated to.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I mean nativity.

Hat Tip: 123beta for this news about preposterous PETA .

It seems PETA did something stupid recently - surprise, surprise - as they've mistakenly targeted an Alaska church nativity scene.

The Rev. Jason Armstrong was confused by an e-mail this week from PETA, which admonished him for subjecting animals "to cruel treatment and danger," by forcing them into roles in the church's annual manger scene.

"We've never had live animals, so I just figured this was some spam thing," Armstrong said. "It's rough enough on us people standing out there in the cold. So we're definitely not using animals."

Jackie Vergerio, PETA's captive animals in entertainment specialist, said her organization tracks churches nationwide that use real animals in "living nativity scenes."

I say, mmm... roadkill, gurgle.

Shut the f*ck up PETA. Meat is here on this planet to eat, and if you don't like it, eat your d*mn veggies and shut up.

(ignore the fact that I just said that while being the PERV President)

But, leave it to PETA to confuse people dressed as manger animals for real animals.

Duh.

They're probably just thanking their lucky stars that they didn't blow up the church without substantial proof of some "violation" (na, I'm sure those ignoramuses don't care either way).

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Posted by Samantha at 12:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Here is a list of some bloggers I know of whom you may be interested in voting on. I encourage you all to get out there and read some good stuff from my fellow Canucks.

SmartCanucks.ca Best Blog
Abandoned Stuff by Saskboy Best Progressive Blog
NASCAR Ranting and Raving Best Sports Blog, Best Blog Post
Harper Valley Best New Blog, Best Blog Post Series, Best Humour Blog (my competition)
And, of course, Samantha Burns in the Humour Category.

I'm sure I missed a few, so please add them in the comment section below if I did. I went through the list pretty fast.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Blog Navel Gazing - Endorsement grazing [by Abandoned Stuff by Saskboy]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

2007 DOG POOP CALENDAR

Need I say more?

Put that up on your office wall and see how long it takes you to get fired, lol.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
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Posted by Samantha at 05:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Perhaps you'd enjoy heading to the insult finder to get the best insult for your needs. Some are timeless; some are freshly pulled out of people's arses; and perhaps you'd like to add your own.

Some of my favourites:

Your mom must be a dog and your dad must be a donkey, because you're sure one jacka$$ son of a b*tch.

You're the only person I know that could f*ck up a wet dream.

If your parents got a divorce would they still be brother and sister?

If I was in a room with you and two werewolves, and I had a gun with two silver bullets, I'd shoot you... twice.

Heh.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

At least, that's the way it seems these days as more and more weird doggy products become available. From wigs to clothing to psychological analysis, your dog can be pampered better than you ever were and ever will be.

With all that's going on, I wouldn't doubt if some day dogs rise up to take over the world. Screw worrying about alien life takeovers, we need to fear dogs... and no, I don't have cynophobia.

But, for those of you who choose to bow-wow down to the new poochie overlords, here is the latest popular puppy privilege: Canine Cafés.

The spare decor is understatedly chic. Whimsical sales displays hold $100 hand-woven dog collars imported from Germany and rhinestone covered leash grips.

The menu offers gourmet coffee, green tea and, for four-legged foodies, homemade ostrich liver biscuits and cakes with mashed-potato icing.

Some clients may have a pedigree, others a hazier though no less noble lineage. But the rules apply to all -- no leash, no service. Brawling and excessive barking prohibited.

What people are spending on their pets these days is what they used to spend on kids, if not more.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Well, congratulations goes to imaginekitty gaining the win and knowing David Letterman is a moron.

So, will imaginekitty maintain the throne for another week, or will you be the next champ?

Good luck to everyone.

Here is the standard info for the game:

To your right is the Moron Of The Week posting from which you will be able to guess who you believe is the moron in the picture, then submit your answer in the comment section of this article. On Friday, I will provide the correct answer along with a link to the winning guess's site. Will you be the winner this week?

PS - this isn't going to be easy as there is no shortage of morons out there: politicians, journalists, celebrities, frothing-at-the-mouth moonbats, and the like.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)