The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

Thank you, Jim, for these news pieces. They're always great finds.

In September, police in the Georgia towns of Perry and Americus were investigating incidents probably involving the same unnamed man, who provided an additional dimension to the typical foot-fetishist: religion. An 80-year-old Wal-Mart shopper in Perry reported that the man was sitting on the floor of an aisle and asked her for help with his "religious" ritual. The lady accommodated him by stepping on his hands and then spitting on him, but when he began to lick her feet, she called for help. [Macon Telegraph, 9- 20-06]

How sick do you have to be, licking?

Least Competent Drug Agents: Just after federal and local narcotics agents cut down and bundled for destruction massive quantities of marijuana plants at a site in California's Marin County in September, officials reported that, despite security, 1,200 of the plants had been stolen before they could be taken away. [Marin Independent Journal, 9-2-06]

No agent would ever steal drugs; they're all innocent.

Either that, or they really are incompetent.

And, now for some news from some nether regions:

The Latest News From Places That Lack Sunshine: According to a September Reuters report, four gang-member inmates at the maximum-security Zacatecoluca lockup in El Salvador were caught with "cell phones, a phone charger and spare chips" in their rectums, "far enough (in) to reach their intestines," according to prison official Ramon Arevalo. [Reuters, 9-7-06]

Yes, I have a cell, but I also know there are a lot of rude idiots out there with them, too.

And in September, arrestee Melissa Roberge, 25, allegedly set fire to the mattress and blanket in her jail cell in Conway, N.H. She had earlier been frisked, but after the fire, a full-body search revealed a cigarette lighter in an unspecified "body cavity." [Caledonian-Record (St. Johnsbury, Vt.)-AP, 9-2-06]