The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

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Posted by Samantha at 01:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This article contributed by 123beta.

More proof that teenagers are crazy...

Recently, an eighteen year-old in Ohio thought it would be freakin' hilarious to streak the student body during lunch time.

He added some extra precautions to help prevent himself from being caught. He apparently thought that if he covered his body in grape seed oil, so he could avoid being captured. Didn't work.

What the heck is grape seed oil? Is that a generation XX thing? I'd like a double grape seed latte' please!

Why not use Wesson Oil? Or motor oil? Or extra virgin olive oil?

He was being held at the county jail Monday, and it was not known whether he had a lawyer.

Good move ex-lax.

Article contributed by 123beta.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

Thanks once more goes to Jim for sending these news bit in.

A Connecticut company (454 Life Sciences) and Germany's Max Planck Institute have made recent breakthroughs in developing the genome of a Neanderthal man, which shows a 99 percent-plus similarity with that of humans, according to a July New York Times report. If they succeed, it might be possible to bring the species back to life by implanting the genes into a human egg (provided, of course, that some woman volunteers to bear a Neanderthal baby). [Austin American-Statesman-New York Times, 7-21-06]

B*tch deserves a neaderthal child, but I'm sure even that kid would be more intelligent than her.

"I've always had the desire to play (the cello) naked," said Ms. Jesse Hale, a music major at Austin Peay State University (Clarksville, Tenn.) and member of the CJ Boyd Sexxxtet of nude cellists who play their experimental, chant-like songs in concert around the country. Hale, who says she's been playing naked since sixth grade, explained to Austin Peay's newspaper in September that cellists "make full body contact with
(their) instrument," and their legs even "wrap" around it so that "(i)t just feels natural." [The All State, 9-6-06]

And, I like to sit on the drums while playing them naked just to feel the vibration.

I just wonder if they've ever gotten their pubes caught in the strings.

Ouch!

The magazine Time Out New York reported in September on the "artistic palettes" of the Sprinkle Brigade of artists who dress up dog droppings on New York City streets with glittering candy bits and colorful toothpicks, for "urban beautification." [Time Out New York, 9-21-06]

What do they call themselves, the Pretty Poo Patrol? Or, maybe the Stylish Sh*t Squad? How 'bout the Classy Cr*p Convoy?

F*cking morons.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

This article contributed by The Cubicle Reverend

Pretty soon President Bush is going to be committing 20,000 for the war in Iraq. This announcement has made no one happy. Not the D's or the R's because depending on who you ask:

The peace nicks who believe we are living in the most oppressive regime in history cry out how we are committing atrocities against mankind and we must cut and run.

And the hawkish rogues who believe the president is the second coming say twenty thousand is enough for we must go onward and upward to fight for the cause.

Politicians, pundits, and preachers voices are being heard loud and clear. Yelling at each other like a group of children at a pizza joint trying to agree on what topping to have. Google Ward Churchill, Pat Robertson, Bill Maher, Rush Limbaugh or any other big time politico and sure you'll find verbal gas passing to stink up a room. And the irony is many of them are making these observations from the comfort of their homes. For whatever reasons the soldiers and Iraqis who are actually there are rarely heard from.

Over the past few months I've been meeting a lot of soldiers who've had varying lengths of tour of duty over in Iraq from a variety of ages and backgrounds. Whenever I asked about their experience they usually tell me the same thing:

“In spite of what you see on the news things aren't as bad as they make it seem. Is there violence, yes. Not nearly as much as others would like to have you believe. I just wish people would realize we have a job to do and we do not want to be pulled out until we are done.” I do not know if the Iraqis feel the same way or not. Has anyone ever bothered to ask them?

Hearing what the soldiers tell me how they feel made me less assured on my stance on the war. Having all these voices telling me what I should believe only makes me swing emotionally from one extreme to the other. I am starting to be more inclined to take the advice of the Florida Rep. in the video below. Caution, Belzer's language does tend to get a tad saucy.

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Posted by The Cubicle Reverend at 02:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

We can all thank MacBro's Place for sending in this YouTube find.

I thought the last guy I wrote about doing celebrity impressions was bad, but this is one of the newest dweebs to hit the web.

Was there any impression in that mix that was semi-decent? I mean, sure, anyone can do Christopher Walken.

Whoopty-doo.

But, now it seems the latest thrill is doing impressions of Borat (Sacha Baron Cohen). As if everyone and their dog won't be able to copy that, too, eh.

But, he does do an uncanny Roseanne Barr and Sandra Bernhard, doesn't he?

Ya, thanks again MacBro's Place, lol.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

This article contributed by McCain of RightPundits.

“Man is the Measure of all Things” – Protagoras

Looks like the men in India aren’t sporting tomahawks. Vienna Sausage is more like it. No wonder the Indians were dominated by the British empire for hundreds of years. Indian men have no cojones. Full monty details are in this tiny link.

A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men.

The study found that more than half of the men measured had penises that were shorter than international standards for condoms.

It has led to a call for condoms of mixed sizes to be made more widely available in India.

The two-year study was carried out by the Indian Council of Medical Research.

Over 1,200 volunteers from the length and breadth of the country had their penises measured precisely, down to the last millimetre.

The scientists even checked their sample was representative of India as a whole in terms of class, religion and urban and rural dwellers.

It’s not size, it’s what you do with it that matters

The conclusion of all this scientific endeavour is that about 60% of Indian men have penises which are between three and five centimetres shorter than international standards used in condom manufacture.

Please note that this is a continuation of an educational series on primitive cultures. This piece follows our expose titled What is “Scotland”?

Article by McCain of RightPundits.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Thanks goes to RightCelebrity for sending in another great article by Risemoon.

This video has been around a while but we haven’t shown it yet. The reason its been in the top 20 for 4 months is obvious to us. Remember those college days? You had the booze. You played the quarters. Maybe you lost. You losers did the drugs. And a few of you liars had a hot girlfriend, you know, like once. But did you ever play quarters on top of your sexy hot girlfriend this way?

Sex, drugs, rock n roll ….. and quarters…

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

This article contributed by McCain of RightPundits.

“The noblest prospect which a Scotchman ever sees, is the high road that leads him to England!”
– Boswell: The Life and Times of Samuel Johnson

Once proud and glorious Great Britain, who dominated the world with outposts on all continents may lose one in her own backyard. Scotland, yes that’s right, tiny unassuming, peaceful, mysterious, primitive, sheep-smelling Scotland is rising up in rebeliion.

The rebels aren’t actually taking up arms yet, and they haven’t thrown any tea parties, but rather the Scotchmen are following the stoic democratic notion that the pen is mightier than the sword. They plan to cast away the British yoke of slavery in parliament and at the ballot box.

For those of you who have never heard of “Scotland”, we’ve done a little research on this topic. In the rare map above, you will find the Scottish wilderness in purple just above industrialized England and across the Irish sea from familiar Northern Ireland.

Typical Scottish Villager with Family

We’ve also done sociological research on the peoples of Scotland. They have had one important resident in their history, the writer Boswell, but he lived a long long time ago and left soon for England. A typical modern-day Scotchman lives in village tribal clans as depicted above. They have a fascination for music and normally dress conservatively in plaid.

Prime Minister
Tony Blair has warned against any bid to break Britain apart, saying it would be “a crazy” step 300 years after Scotland and England united.

Blair’s warning Tuesday came as the Scottish National Party (SNP) used the anniversary of their union to launch a fresh drive for independence, while some opinion polls suggested a majority of Scots and English want to separate.

Speaking at his monthly press conference, Blair said Britons should celebrate “with pride” Tuesday’s tercentenary of the merger of the Scottish and English parliaments.

“In commerce, in trade, in security and above all in shared values, the union of England and Scotland continues to be good for England, good for Scotland and right for the future of Britain,” Blair said.

It would be “crazy for Scotland to be wrenched out of the United Kingdom” of Britain and Northern Ireland, he added, noting that 2.5 million Scots live in England, half Scotland’s total. England’s population is some 50 million.

“Separation is a retreat into an old-fashioned view of the world that would be bizarre in the 21st century,” Blair warned. “It would be an incredibly regressive and reactionary step to break it apart now.”
Source

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Posted by Samantha at 12:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

I heard this story on the radio this morning and just about wet myself laughing. Rest assured, I did catch myself in ample time to prevent an embarassing miscue, basically because I remembered that the car was not the best place to relieve myself (at least not on my way to work).

Police: Boys escape detention, take train on joy ride
Associated Press
NELSONVILLE, Ohio - Two boys are back in detention today after an early morning joy ride in a stolen train.

(APCredit: Alissa Griffith, WOUB, Athens)

The next part is what really got me giggling.

The radio report to which I was listening also added a tasty little nugget of information that was not included in the above article, and that's unfortunate. I personally feel that it was rather pertinent. The reason the two boys only made it 11 miles? Evidently, according to WOWO radio out of Fort Wayne, IN, the boys stopped the locomotive to get some snacks.

The folly of youth never ceases to amuse...err, amaze me.

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Posted by Andrew Kaduk at 07:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Ya, you read that correct.

Warning: the following link contains adult content. Viewer discretion is advised.

It looks like you, or someone you know, could be the next BIG thing.

An online adult shopping centre, LoveHoney, is hosting a casting call for all male exhibitionists, or any men who are proud of their "package".

If you make the "cut", you may be the next "member" to show your "cock" (oh wait, that last word didn't need an emphasis) to the online world.

They won't say what this is all about, but they do let you know that it has nothing to do with actual stunt cocks ("A 'stunt cock' is also the guy who supplies surplus semen during the making of a porn movie.").

Intriguing, isn't it?

Here's what you'll need:

An erect penis (for no longer than two minutes)
A small amount of dexterity
The ability to follow written instructions
A digital camera
An assistant (though you could do it on your own)
A cloth to clean up afterwards

Yup, get out your "mayonnaise pistol" or your "six shooter", or even your "super soaker", and begin dancing around the "maypole" because you might be the next "real deal".

Or, if you have that special musical talent, whip out your "trombone", "tuba" or "trouser flute", and play us all a neat little tune.

I just hope you're not the one to get the "shaft".

K, I'm done.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

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Posted by Samantha at 09:58 PM | Permalink

Here is some more great news that headed my way care of the extraordinary, Jim.

A more conventional fetishist, Masashi Kamata, 28, was arrested in Nagoya, Japan, in October after police found about 5,000 pairs of used girls' and boys' shoes at a rented warehouse. "I was enjoying their smell," he said, according to Mainichi Daily News. [Mainichi Daily News, 11-1-06]

F*cking nutball.

Is there a contest going on encouraging people to be the world's biggest 'tard, or something?

In yet another case of a person practicing what is allegedly acceptable in another country but illegal in the United States, a 28-year-old woman from Cambodia was arrested in Las Vegas, Nev., in October for kissing her 6-year-old son's penis, which she said was simply an expression of motherly love. An official in California's Cambodian Association of America confirmed the custom to the Las Vegas Review-Journal but said it never extends past age 2. [Las Vegas Review-Journal, 10-14-06]

*shudder*

The Christian Retail Show in Denver in August demonstrated, said a Los Angeles Times report, nearly a parallel commercial universe, with hundreds of "Christian" versions of products and services, such as sweatbands, pajamas, dolls, health clubs, insurance agencies, tree trimmers and fragrances ("Virtuous Woman" perfume). One Retail Show visitor, though, was dismayed at the efforts to just "slap Jesus on (merchandise)." (Among the tougher sells would appear to be Book22.com, a Christian sex-toy Web site that sells condoms, vibrators and lubricants to married couples, but stocks no pornography or toys that encourage multiple-partner scenes.) [Los Angeles Times, 8-5-06; Toronto Star, 7-8-06]

Well, that's definitely a losing battle. Who in their right mind would go for porn and toys that encourage monogamy rather than fantasy.

Yuck! Blech! Couple sex. How disgusting!

Give me a good ol' three way, any day. Lol.

British performance artist Ian Thorley, working on grants from several local councils, did a week's stint on an Ashington street in October, stepping onto and off of a doormat while wearing a badge identifying him as a government doormat tester. [BBC News, 10-11-06]

Wooo... doormat tester. That's just genius artistry. Boy, I wish I could buy that and display at my house. What a masterpiece!

In case you didn't realise, I'm being sarcastic.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Too busy slackin'. Forgot to put up this Open Trackback post, but here it is now before the end of the weekend, lol.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Article by Risemoon of RightCelebrity.

First is was ‘Dick in a Box’ and now it is ‘My Box in a Box’ We think ‘Box in a Box’ wins the battle of spoofs, but we have both videos for you here so that you can be the judge. And the first was by Saturday Night Live (SNL). My Box in a Box is an amateur production. You go girl with the box!

You just aren’t going to believe the internet’s best video of the day!

Update: Box Girl’s website blog is here and her myspace blog is here. She is a 20-year old babe living in Philadelphia and goes by “Bunny.” And bunnies live in ____. Nice!

[Here's the link to the video]

The key lyrics:

“Britney showed the world her box. But my box is just for you.”
“Bush is ruining our country, but my bush has never lied.”
“And Taco Bell might make you sick, but my taco’s certified.”
“You might like Starbucks muffins, but my muffin tastes good too.”

[Here's the link to this video]

Hat tip: Belleze Gossip.

And don’t forget these hilarious instructions for constructing your very own Dick in a Box!

And read what these guys have to say….

Can you say that on T.V.? How about on the Internet?

It’s the chorus to Andy Samberg’s most recent mock music video, which aired last week on Saturday Night Live, and has been all over the Internet ever since.

Samberg, the comic mind behind the SNL skit “Lazy Sunday” (better known as “The Chronic-What?-cles of Narnia”), infused the late night show with a burst of energy when he joined the cast in September of 2005 and started making mock music videos.

His latest is a holiday jingle called “A Special Christmas Box”, in which he and pop star, Justin Timberlake, sing a song about giving their girlfriends a “dick in a box” for Christmas.
…

This weekend’s SNL debuted another digital short, “A Special Box” (think “Lazy Sunday,” but with Color Me Badd and dicks in boxes instead of nerds and Narnia matinees) that NBC obviously hopes may inspire the same kind of viral video frenzy that the network enjoyed with last December’s hip-hop ode to the simple pleasures of cupcakes and leisurely weekend afternoons, as they’re already offering an uncensored version on their website, hoping to render obsolete the liberally bleeped clip originally broadcast on Saturday night that legions of fans have already let loose on the YouTubes.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

This article contributed by 123beta.

You can now over-spend with the help of KISS. [pic]

My question is why does Visa now think anyone would be interested? Seems like this might have proven profitable perhaps 35 years ago.

I, wanna spend all night...alright...and shopping everyday!

This article contributed by 123beta.

Sam says: I don't know about you, but I'm guessing some members of KISS may be a bit low on their income.

I mean, first there was the scent of Simmons *shudder*, then the Family Jewels "reality" show.

Ya, we really don't want to be thinking of Simmons' aging "jewels".

Now, they're pandering VISA cards?

Whatever.

Here's a hint for KISS: time to put the makeup back on; or better yet, stay indoors and out of the public eye.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

This article contributed by 123beta.

Game manufacturers are big companies with lot's of employees. Sometimes, mistakes happen.

Electronic Arts apparently had a 'mishap' in the stocking of one of it's games recently. A (what I would call lucky) fourteen-year-old boy in Utah expecting to receive the Madden NFL 2007 (whatever) game instead received a porn movie.

He was obviously distraught over this error.

The dumb-arse reported it to his parents and of course they reported it to the store (Circuit City) where the game was purchased.

Mumsy and Dadsy, I WANT THE MADDEN NFL 2007 GAME! Damn it!

He'll receive a replacement for the Christmas gift, along with several other games to curb his 'game' libido.

Little dumb sh*t....

This article contributed by 123beta.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Too busy slackin'. Forgot to put up this Open Trackback post, but here it is now before the end of the weekend, lol.

Trackbacking info: Showcase your best work; attract new readers (linking this article in return of course). Do NOT link your open trackback post here. Use Linkfest Haven Deluxe instead. To the right, you will find OTA members who are doing open trackbacks for the day.

When done, play Diane's Stuff's Dead Guy on the Sidebar.
And, please click some blogads to support this site.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

This article contributed by 123beta.

And smelly too.

Apparently, a very drunk West Virginia University fan thought it would be funny...or something, to defecate on the seats of the Georgia Tech band during the Gator Bowl. Nothing like showing your team's colors...and I thought WVU's colors were blue and gold.

The poopatrator was video tapped and later arrested. When confronted with the images he stopped protesting and vomited down the front of his shirt (a dead giveaway).

Unfortunately, there are pics of this ...um, event.

But, I doubt that anybody would really want to see them.

Geez, now that's gonna be a heck of a story to tell the grandchildren.

Go Mountaineers!

This article contributed by 123beta.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Poopatrator [by 123beta]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

For those offering to guest post here, I'll probably be able to respond Monday night or Tuesday. Thanks for your patience and for offering.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Too busy slackin'. Forgot to put up this Open Trackback post, but here it is now before the end of the weekend, lol.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I received some awesome Christmas gifts (thank you *hugs* - you know who you are), and I've been using the books I got to practise becoming a better drawer/artist.

And, here are the fruits of holiday practising:

From Drawing: The Head and Figure...

From Manga...

Not perfect, but also not a bad start, eh?

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Posted by Samantha at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

As some of you know, I've been attempting to take out more time in my life to participate in personal hobbies and such, and this choice is making it difficult for me to blog and interact with other bloggers the way I have been previously.

I know this isn't an unusual dilemma as many other bloggers have struggled with the same issue, but it's stressful nonetheless. I consider the online community and my readers as friends who I've interacted with on a daily basis for over a year now, so it's not easy to slow down on blogging.

I'm still struggling with how I should go about maintaining my blog - how many times per week I should post; and, checking my emails has become more and more infrequent for me as well. I'm definitely taking Friday and the weekend off from writing articles, leaving only the OTA open trackback thread up during that time (so that means an extra day of trackbacking). I will probably also post one or two open trackback articles during the week to give people more opportunities to share their work.

As for writing articles, I haven't been feeling up to it as much for about a month now (perhaps I've hit a burnout stage, or something), and I'm not sure what to do about that.

The only thing I can think to do is post articles more randomly, and offer you the chance to become a blogger at this site. If you think you'd like to add your voice to this blog, please email me and mention your desire. Of course, there is no pay in it, but you may find some other form of satisfaction in being a part of a wonderful online community.

I don't have any restrictions at this point on what can be written here, so please email if you're interested in posting a few times per week and, in the email, please explain the sort of writing you would like to do (ranting/raving, political, random thinking/observations, celebrity stuff, etc.).

In the meantime, I'll post when the mood strikes me (or when the moonbats p*ss me off), so be sure to check back here from time to time, and hopefully my mojo will come back to me after a bit of a break.

I apologise to all my faithful reader friends, but perhaps the break will do me good to come back full of the 'p*ss and vinegar' I've been missing lately.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
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Posted by Samantha at 12:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Here's a list of a whole lot of companies and how they came up with their brand name.

If you don't already know, learn how Nike, Reebok, Sanyo, Sprint, Tesco, Xerox, and others got their names.

But, for a whole shwack of brand names, wikipedia has tons listed alphabetically as company name etymologies.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink

I thought this find from Macbro's Place was such a good one, and had to share it some more.

Check out these awesome computer illusion.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

This post submitted via the internet by Lostinlimaohio and approved from hundreds of miles away via the internet by Sam.

35% of American's Don't Read Sam:

Not only do they not read Sam, they don't have internet access. That's down right scary, but true according to a recent study of people who are too dumb to use computers. (Hey, I can insult them all I want- let's face it, it's not like they are going to read this and get mad!)

I don't want to be mean to everyone, I realise that there are those who simply cannot afford to have computers and internet connections.

And there are those who are just too old- it's like sex after 60- you shouldn't engage in it.

And there are those who, well let's face it, they are just lazy, and have way to much money. Yeah, they brag that they don't use the internet, and how it's so much better for them that way, but they are lying:

John W. Rogers Jr. The CEO of Ariel Capital Management LLC doesn't use the Internet at work or at home. The 47-year-old Princeton University grad thinks the Net is largely a waste of time. Assistants print out e-mails for him and researchers give him paper copies of Wall Street analysts reports from the Web. He prefers to spend his time reading, talking directly with his staff, working out at the gym, or spending time with his teenage daughter. "If you're spending all your time on e-mail, you're not listening and reading," says Rogers

I'm sorry but that is just like a man. "Oh the internet is a waste of time- honey go print my emails off for me" What the ??? Clearly what he should have said is that the internet is a waste of HIS time, because he has enough money to pay someone to do all the internet type stuff.

And just who are these assistants? I hope to *** that if they happen across this they will look up at their lazy boss and tell him to "research this". (IMHO number two seems most fitting in this case)

Now, I don't mean to insult his lowly "internet" employees- but does this idiot realize that he is indeed using the internet, he's just doing it via other people. I mean, if you are going to state that you "don't use the internet" and then act all high and mighty about it- I don't want to even hear about you coming within say two hundred feet of a online connection. Otherwise, shut up and admit it- you do use the internet, in fact you're so addicted to it- you even pay other people to check your inbox.

Source of my aggravation for today can be found here.

*** After writing this I realised that this guy with too much money should hire the people with not enough money, then everyone could be on the internet, and reading Sam.

This post submitted by Lostinlimaohio, who happens to be willing to admit that "I am completely addicted to the internet- but not enough to pay other people to do my surfing for me".

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Posted by Samantha at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

PS - THIS IS AN ALL DAY OPEN TRACKBACK POST SINCE I SCREWED UP THIS WEEKEND.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)