The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

You know, I always took joy in getting a Happy Meal from McD's when I was a kid because the toys inside were so fun to get. But, now that I'm older, the thrill is gone.

Or..., it was.

It seems McD's is offering a new kind of satisfaction as some granny found a condom in her granddaughter's Happy Meal.

I don't want to know what she did with it.

Ew.

Spokeswoman Joanna Redfern-Hardisty said because of its popularity, the previous happy meal gift had sold out at the outlet and prepackaged sports bags were substituted as children's gifts.

(I'm going to have to start eating McDonalds again)

Na, I still can't stomach it.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 AM | Permalink

Aw, they're so lovely and furry and snuggly and something-y.

Blech!

This is how much I love them....

The cow: IT tastes great on a bun with ketchup and even great grilled and served with peppercorn sauce.

The fish: it is great feeling the tug of IT, WHICH is on my hook as I reel IT into my boat. And, it is also wonderful gutting, cleaning, and frying IT up.

The (fill-in-the-blank): ah, h*ll... they're all good.

No, I haven't lost it. I'm just poking a little fun at PETA after they sent a complaint letter, telling journalists to stop referring to animals as "it" and "which".

Apparently, they would prefer to be called "he", "she", and "who" ('cause animals are just so astute, eh).

PETA dispatched a letter to Norm Goldstein, editor of The Associated Press Stylebook, suggesting that it is time to revise the book’s language guidelines—which currently characterize animals as inanimate objects—and bring the references in line with 21st century attitudes.

Morons.

They're dinner. Plain and simple. Dinner.

Check out Malkin's article for more, and if you love eating chicken or just plain old hate PETA and all those wackos, head on over to the KFC Cruelty site and poke a little fun at PETA with the sign generator.

Here's mine:

To learn more about PERV, here are the previous PERV posts.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

That's my way of saying "bite me" to all those eco-freaks out there.

Of course, this is primarily in response to Sheryl Crow's toilet paper limitation idea. If you hadn't already heard, singer Sheryl Crow apparently believes people can wipe their a$$e$ with only one frickin' square sheet of toilet paper.

I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

Not to mention there'd be an over-consumption of water as washing machines will be working overtime to clean all that dirty underwear on a daily basis.

I don't quite understand the dimwitted ideologies of those fruitcakes. I mean, let's travel around in "three tractor trailers, four buses, and six cars" and tout the "boo-hoo's" of global warming.

Ya, global warming is real, you f*cknuts, it's called the natural cycle of this solar system. It's the natural warming of this globe due to a cyclical solar pattern, NOT due to human err.

But, those are big words for you eco-screwjobs out there, so I don't expect you to get it.

More on the square one here.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

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Posted by Samantha at 12:03 AM | Permalink

Thanks goes to Right Celebrity who has sent in another hilarious piece written by Risemoon.

Here is a hot babe giving an instructive video on how to shower. She does it very well. There is a guy in this shower too for some reason, also demonstrating proper showering technique for his sex. Men are such pigs. Hilarious!

At this point, you may be wondering about the history of the shower. I anticipated your knowledge deficiency and found the world’s foremost authority on shower history. You can gain such exciting knowledge as:

“Plumbers joined the game in the early 1800s. As plumbing moved indoors and became more common among the privileged homeowners, alternatives to the bath emerged.” And don’t miss that fact that “shower” in German is ‘douche’.

Your study continues here.

Article contributed by Right Celebrity.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

If I were to start a university focusing on the education of sex and sexuality, I'd call it F*ck University, or F*ck U for short.

Someone: What school do you go to?

Response: FU

Someone: Don't get nasty; it was just a question.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

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Posted by Samantha at 12:09 AM | Permalink

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Posted by Samantha at 04:42 AM | Permalink

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Posted by Samantha at 12:40 AM | Permalink

Had to share this hilarious link with you all: it's Rudy's last chance to save New York City.

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Posted by Samantha at 02:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

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Posted by Samantha at 04:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Some of you may know that I've written about The P-Mate in the past, but you must admit it's one item that never gets too old to laugh at. So, when Alabama Improper sent this article in to me, I just felt I had to publish it.

This article contributed by Alabama Improper.

I have found the next big thing in female products.

Check out the PeeMate.

OK, I definitely have seen it all.

Wait, I had better not say that again, I am always proven wrong. It's kind of like that never say never phrase? Yeah.

Well, I don't think I'd ever need the PeeMate, but one never can tell.

P-Mate was invented by a creative Dutch woman. They allow girls and women of all ages the ability to neatly pee standing up.

The P-Mate is basically like a cardboard shoe with the toe cut off. You place the entrance of the 'shoe' directly under your urethra, between your legs, pee into the shoe and then make sure that the hole at the toe end is funnelling the urine out somewhere other than on your feet.

Whoot! Just what I have always wanted. You know, I am often out in the fields, on the side of the roads, frequent several filthy restrooms so yeah, I think this would come in handy.

Gah, I hope ya'll know I am KIDDING!

The PeeMate website also boasts -

• The P-Mate is a revolutionary way for women to pee discreetly without having to pull down their pants and squat.
• The P-Mate allows women to pee standing up.
• The P-Mate is the most amazing female urinary device.
• The P-Mate gives women the freedom to pee like men.
• The P-Mate is clean and hygienic.
• The P-Mate is covered with a 4-leaf clover design as it is good luck to have one with you when you are in need.
• The P-Mate does NOT get all wet and soggy after use. You can easily slip it back into a pocket or bag for later disposal if you are outdoors where there is no garbage can.

Good grief, who is writing their promotional brochures? LOL In their defense I suppose there is only so much one can say about this particular product.

Well?! What are you waiting for? Get on over and order yours today.

Men - don't even think about getting this for your woman as some sort of gift. Sheeesh.

I found it while Stumbling.

Article contributed by Alabama Improper.

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Posted by Samantha at 02:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)