The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns: June 10, 2007

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Posted by Samantha at 02:22 AM | Permalink

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Paris's Potty Problems And Other Painful Paris Poop

Oh, I'm not getting totally sick and tired of the name Paris, are you?

Yet another reason to dislike France, eh, coming up with a name like that.

Blech!

Let's begin, if we must. It seems that after going in and out of prison this past little while, poor Paris Hilton has become scared to take a dookie on the dumper.

Paris Hilton is so petrified of being photographed on the toilet in jail she is refusing to eat or drink.

Ya, I'm sure that's why she won't eat or drink. Like it has nothing to do with keeping up an anorexic-looking figure while in the slammer. Perhaps she's trying to maintain her figure in the hopes of getting a date.

But, rest assured, that chicklet will never be anyone's b*tch, despite her frail appearance. I don't know about you, but she just strikes me as the type to be the aggressor while behind bars - the one to do the b*tchslapping and clawing, not the one receiving. And, with her system all backed up from refusing to sit on the royal throne, I'm sure she's ripe with irritation and frustration (if not constipation) enough to slap the bajebus out of anyone in her way.

Oh ya, and let's not forget the anger she must be feeling towards her talent agency since it dropped her recently.

Sounds like another person we know who got the boot for being a useless role model.

And, I'm sure that right about now, Paris has a bit of resentment towards her friend, Nicole Richie. I mean, at least Nicole could squeeze herself through those prison bars to make her escape.

Fat ol' Paris could never do that!

Anyhow, by now, I'm sure you realise that I'm being facetious about this whole fiasco. I have to be, because In my opinion, this whole story is just a ruse. All of a sudden, this publicly known weird and wild celebrity moron is making changes in her life for the better? As a result of her vacation in prison?

I don't think so.

I wouldn't doubt for a second that it was set up from the get-go - drinking, car crashes, drunk driving, smashy smashy. I'm thinking Hilton may be tired of her wild and crazy party lifestyle persona and the only way she could think to change it (with the aid of family and agents, of course, because we all know Paris can't think on her own) without having the public forget about her completely, was to have an epiphany in prison.

How blasé.

Couldn't they have come up with something more unique? It's like a tv movie of the week, or something.

*yawn*

Anyhow, I'm done with this, but here's the spoof video for you if you haven't already seen it.