The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

Thanks goes to Right Celebrity who has sent in another hilarious piece written by Risemoon.

Here is a hot babe giving an instructive video on how to shower. She does it very well. There is a guy in this shower too for some reason, also demonstrating proper showering technique for his sex. Men are such pigs. Hilarious!

At this point, you may be wondering about the history of the shower. I anticipated your knowledge deficiency and found the world’s foremost authority on shower history. You can gain such exciting knowledge as:

“Plumbers joined the game in the early 1800s. As plumbing moved indoors and became more common among the privileged homeowners, alternatives to the bath emerged.” And don’t miss that fact that “shower” in German is ‘douche’.

Your study continues here.

Article contributed by Right Celebrity.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Some of you may know that I've written about The P-Mate in the past, but you must admit it's one item that never gets too old to laugh at. So, when Alabama Improper sent this article in to me, I just felt I had to publish it.

This article contributed by Alabama Improper.

I have found the next big thing in female products.

Check out the PeeMate.

OK, I definitely have seen it all.

Wait, I had better not say that again, I am always proven wrong. It's kind of like that never say never phrase? Yeah.

Well, I don't think I'd ever need the PeeMate, but one never can tell.

P-Mate was invented by a creative Dutch woman. They allow girls and women of all ages the ability to neatly pee standing up.

The P-Mate is basically like a cardboard shoe with the toe cut off. You place the entrance of the 'shoe' directly under your urethra, between your legs, pee into the shoe and then make sure that the hole at the toe end is funnelling the urine out somewhere other than on your feet.

Whoot! Just what I have always wanted. You know, I am often out in the fields, on the side of the roads, frequent several filthy restrooms so yeah, I think this would come in handy.

Gah, I hope ya'll know I am KIDDING!

The PeeMate website also boasts -

• The P-Mate is a revolutionary way for women to pee discreetly without having to pull down their pants and squat.
• The P-Mate allows women to pee standing up.
• The P-Mate is the most amazing female urinary device.
• The P-Mate gives women the freedom to pee like men.
• The P-Mate is clean and hygienic.
• The P-Mate is covered with a 4-leaf clover design as it is good luck to have one with you when you are in need.
• The P-Mate does NOT get all wet and soggy after use. You can easily slip it back into a pocket or bag for later disposal if you are outdoors where there is no garbage can.

Good grief, who is writing their promotional brochures? LOL In their defense I suppose there is only so much one can say about this particular product.

Well?! What are you waiting for? Get on over and order yours today.

Men - don't even think about getting this for your woman as some sort of gift. Sheeesh.

I found it while Stumbling.

Article contributed by Alabama Improper.

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Posted by Samantha at 02:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

This blog was posted by The Cubicle Reverend:

I love it when the Hollywood elite spend their days in their castle telling us common folks how to live our lives. Who knows more about reality than people who live in a fantasy world? I am a huge fan of Alec Baldwin the actor, but why do these guys think we give a crap about their opinion on anything other than what movies we should want to see? Seriously, Baldwin, baby, kiddo, bubby... go back to doing what you do well. Do your little movies, make nice entertainments that make our lives a little more enjoyable (at least when they are good). Please, please, please tell your kind to leave us alone and let us go about our business.

By the way... you ruled in Glengarry Glen Ross.

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Posted by The Cubicle Reverend at 08:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This article contributed by 123beta.

I guess there really is a website for everything:

Alibinetwork.com provides you with discreet alibi's and excuses.

Need an alibi for work? Having an affair?

Are you unemployed, but would like everyone to think you make six figures?

Are you just a sneaky little creep? Then this site is for you!

And it only costs... $75.00 a year. Wow! What a bargain :)

Welcome to the 21st century...

Article contributed by 123beta.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

This article contributed by Risemoon of Right Celebrity.

Watch this Ninja impress his girl. HA!

Ninjas

Article contributed by Risemoon of Right Celebrity.

Sam adds: Gotta love that wacky British humour, lol.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This article contributed by 123beta.

More proof that Hollywood is freakin' nuts...and thinks we'll pay money to watch just about anything.

Who in their right mind would pay money to view the Milli Vanilli story?

Here's a quick summation of that majestic career: Two untalented hacks somehow get recording contract then fool the public with a lip-synced Grammy performance, as a result has to give their Grammy Award back, then one member gets jail time for robbery and dies of drug over-dose.

Oh yeah, really *good* stuff.

I'd rather watch grass grow... or nurse a cold... or...

Article contributed by 123beta.

Sam adds: Oh great, and we all know that news like this will bring that famously cr*ptacular song, Girl You Know It's True, back to the radio stations.

UGH!

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Posted by Samantha at 12:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

This article was posted by the Cubicle Reverend:

Having spent the better part of a decade volunteering with youth ministries I am always interested in reading as many articles on the subject as I can. Most are pretty tame, safe, little puff peaces that really don't mean much of anything. Once in a blue moon someone comes up with something fascinating or controversial. Some orginization called The Religious Institute (I've never heard of them) have come out with an open letter to get churches to finally start talking about sexuality with our kids. Because sexuality is healthy and good in all stages of life.... Maybe my feelings on the matter are antiquated, but I still believe in the virtue of waiting til marriage to have sex. They don't really bring that subject up at all in the letter. Oddly enough, it is an idea that has become less popular in many churches in the past few years. I know of at least one youth pastor carries condoms with them for the simple reason that kids are going to have sex anyway so we might as well make sure they are protected. No wonder kids are confused or have bad views about sexuality. I am curious to see what the people who receive this letter will do in reaction. Some will cry it is an outrage. Others will just nod their heads in agreement and promptly move it to their recycle bin. Whatever conversation we might have will be silenced.

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Posted by The Cubicle Reverend at 08:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This article contributed by McCain of RightPundits.

Ha ha! This hilarious video of Spiders on Drugs has been around all month, but I’ve never watched it just because the title sounded boring. How am I, a mere Blogger, qualified to judge science? Lindsay Lohan on booze videos just sounded more entertaining. But nooooooo, you gotta see it. You just gotta!

Article contributed by RightPundits.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

This article contributed by 123beta.

A Dutch gym is now offering a 'clothes optional' day. Oh yeah, sign me up!

Note to self: Remember, it's rude to stare!

My guess is that there will be five times as many males to show-up as females.

Wanna place a bet?

Article contributed by 123beta.

Sam adds: What about naked Monday thru Saturday?

And, I don't know about you, but I wouldn't exactly be too excited working out next to someone whose arse is engulfing the entire bicycle seat, or watching butt cheeks flapping while they jog on the treadmill, or how about being the one spotting the dude who's doing the leg press.

You might actually catch a glimps of some orifices you had hoped you'd never see in your lifetime.

Ugh.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This article contributed by 123beta.

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere):

1. BLAMESTORMING:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
then leaves.

3. CUBE FARM:
An office filled with cubicles.

7. MOUSE POTATO:
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

4. STRESS PUPPY:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

5. SWIPEOUT:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic
strip is worn away from extensive use.

6. XEROX SUBSIDY:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

7. IRRITAINMENT:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find
yourself unable to stop watching them.

8. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.

9. 404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

10. OHNOSECOND:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake.)

Bonus word:

11. CROP DUSTING:
Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

Feel free to add to this um, list...

Article contributed by 123beta.

PS from Sam - HAPPY BLOGIVERSARY 123beta. It was on the 26th, so I hope you don't mind a belated Happy! Keep listening out for that knock on the door; I guess I have to locate your home first, lol. *HUGS*

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

This article contributed by 123beta.

More proof that teenagers are crazy...

Recently, an eighteen year-old in Ohio thought it would be freakin' hilarious to streak the student body during lunch time.

He added some extra precautions to help prevent himself from being caught. He apparently thought that if he covered his body in grape seed oil, so he could avoid being captured. Didn't work.

What the heck is grape seed oil? Is that a generation XX thing? I'd like a double grape seed latte' please!

Why not use Wesson Oil? Or motor oil? Or extra virgin olive oil?

He was being held at the county jail Monday, and it was not known whether he had a lawyer.

Good move ex-lax.

Article contributed by 123beta.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This article contributed by The Cubicle Reverend

Pretty soon President Bush is going to be committing 20,000 for the war in Iraq. This announcement has made no one happy. Not the D's or the R's because depending on who you ask:

The peace nicks who believe we are living in the most oppressive regime in history cry out how we are committing atrocities against mankind and we must cut and run.

And the hawkish rogues who believe the president is the second coming say twenty thousand is enough for we must go onward and upward to fight for the cause.

Politicians, pundits, and preachers voices are being heard loud and clear. Yelling at each other like a group of children at a pizza joint trying to agree on what topping to have. Google Ward Churchill, Pat Robertson, Bill Maher, Rush Limbaugh or any other big time politico and sure you'll find verbal gas passing to stink up a room. And the irony is many of them are making these observations from the comfort of their homes. For whatever reasons the soldiers and Iraqis who are actually there are rarely heard from.

Over the past few months I've been meeting a lot of soldiers who've had varying lengths of tour of duty over in Iraq from a variety of ages and backgrounds. Whenever I asked about their experience they usually tell me the same thing:

“In spite of what you see on the news things aren't as bad as they make it seem. Is there violence, yes. Not nearly as much as others would like to have you believe. I just wish people would realize we have a job to do and we do not want to be pulled out until we are done.” I do not know if the Iraqis feel the same way or not. Has anyone ever bothered to ask them?

Hearing what the soldiers tell me how they feel made me less assured on my stance on the war. Having all these voices telling me what I should believe only makes me swing emotionally from one extreme to the other. I am starting to be more inclined to take the advice of the Florida Rep. in the video below. Caution, Belzer's language does tend to get a tad saucy.

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Posted by The Cubicle Reverend at 02:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This article contributed by McCain of RightPundits.

“Man is the Measure of all Things” – Protagoras

Looks like the men in India aren’t sporting tomahawks. Vienna Sausage is more like it. No wonder the Indians were dominated by the British empire for hundreds of years. Indian men have no cojones. Full monty details are in this tiny link.

A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men.

The study found that more than half of the men measured had penises that were shorter than international standards for condoms.

It has led to a call for condoms of mixed sizes to be made more widely available in India.

The two-year study was carried out by the Indian Council of Medical Research.

Over 1,200 volunteers from the length and breadth of the country had their penises measured precisely, down to the last millimetre.

The scientists even checked their sample was representative of India as a whole in terms of class, religion and urban and rural dwellers.

It’s not size, it’s what you do with it that matters

The conclusion of all this scientific endeavour is that about 60% of Indian men have penises which are between three and five centimetres shorter than international standards used in condom manufacture.

Please note that this is a continuation of an educational series on primitive cultures. This piece follows our expose titled What is “Scotland”?

Article by McCain of RightPundits.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Thanks goes to RightCelebrity for sending in another great article by Risemoon.

This video has been around a while but we haven’t shown it yet. The reason its been in the top 20 for 4 months is obvious to us. Remember those college days? You had the booze. You played the quarters. Maybe you lost. You losers did the drugs. And a few of you liars had a hot girlfriend, you know, like once. But did you ever play quarters on top of your sexy hot girlfriend this way?

Sex, drugs, rock n roll ….. and quarters…

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

This article contributed by McCain of RightPundits.

“The noblest prospect which a Scotchman ever sees, is the high road that leads him to England!”
– Boswell: The Life and Times of Samuel Johnson

Once proud and glorious Great Britain, who dominated the world with outposts on all continents may lose one in her own backyard. Scotland, yes that’s right, tiny unassuming, peaceful, mysterious, primitive, sheep-smelling Scotland is rising up in rebeliion.

The rebels aren’t actually taking up arms yet, and they haven’t thrown any tea parties, but rather the Scotchmen are following the stoic democratic notion that the pen is mightier than the sword. They plan to cast away the British yoke of slavery in parliament and at the ballot box.

For those of you who have never heard of “Scotland”, we’ve done a little research on this topic. In the rare map above, you will find the Scottish wilderness in purple just above industrialized England and across the Irish sea from familiar Northern Ireland.

Typical Scottish Villager with Family

We’ve also done sociological research on the peoples of Scotland. They have had one important resident in their history, the writer Boswell, but he lived a long long time ago and left soon for England. A typical modern-day Scotchman lives in village tribal clans as depicted above. They have a fascination for music and normally dress conservatively in plaid.

Prime Minister
Tony Blair has warned against any bid to break Britain apart, saying it would be “a crazy” step 300 years after Scotland and England united.

Blair’s warning Tuesday came as the Scottish National Party (SNP) used the anniversary of their union to launch a fresh drive for independence, while some opinion polls suggested a majority of Scots and English want to separate.

Speaking at his monthly press conference, Blair said Britons should celebrate “with pride” Tuesday’s tercentenary of the merger of the Scottish and English parliaments.

“In commerce, in trade, in security and above all in shared values, the union of England and Scotland continues to be good for England, good for Scotland and right for the future of Britain,” Blair said.

It would be “crazy for Scotland to be wrenched out of the United Kingdom” of Britain and Northern Ireland, he added, noting that 2.5 million Scots live in England, half Scotland’s total. England’s population is some 50 million.

“Separation is a retreat into an old-fashioned view of the world that would be bizarre in the 21st century,” Blair warned. “It would be an incredibly regressive and reactionary step to break it apart now.”
Source

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
What is “Scotland” ? » Right Pundits [by Pentimento]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Article by Risemoon of RightCelebrity.

First is was ‘Dick in a Box’ and now it is ‘My Box in a Box’ We think ‘Box in a Box’ wins the battle of spoofs, but we have both videos for you here so that you can be the judge. And the first was by Saturday Night Live (SNL). My Box in a Box is an amateur production. You go girl with the box!

You just aren’t going to believe the internet’s best video of the day!

Update: Box Girl’s website blog is here and her myspace blog is here. She is a 20-year old babe living in Philadelphia and goes by “Bunny.” And bunnies live in ____. Nice!

[Here's the link to the video]

The key lyrics:

“Britney showed the world her box. But my box is just for you.”
“Bush is ruining our country, but my bush has never lied.”
“And Taco Bell might make you sick, but my taco’s certified.”
“You might like Starbucks muffins, but my muffin tastes good too.”

[Here's the link to this video]

Hat tip: Belleze Gossip.

And don’t forget these hilarious instructions for constructing your very own Dick in a Box!

And read what these guys have to say….

Can you say that on T.V.? How about on the Internet?

It’s the chorus to Andy Samberg’s most recent mock music video, which aired last week on Saturday Night Live, and has been all over the Internet ever since.

Samberg, the comic mind behind the SNL skit “Lazy Sunday” (better known as “The Chronic-What?-cles of Narnia”), infused the late night show with a burst of energy when he joined the cast in September of 2005 and started making mock music videos.

His latest is a holiday jingle called “A Special Christmas Box”, in which he and pop star, Justin Timberlake, sing a song about giving their girlfriends a “dick in a box” for Christmas.
…

This weekend’s SNL debuted another digital short, “A Special Box” (think “Lazy Sunday,” but with Color Me Badd and dicks in boxes instead of nerds and Narnia matinees) that NBC obviously hopes may inspire the same kind of viral video frenzy that the network enjoyed with last December’s hip-hop ode to the simple pleasures of cupcakes and leisurely weekend afternoons, as they’re already offering an uncensored version on their website, hoping to render obsolete the liberally bleeped clip originally broadcast on Saturday night that legions of fans have already let loose on the YouTubes.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

This article contributed by 123beta.

You can now over-spend with the help of KISS. [pic]

My question is why does Visa now think anyone would be interested? Seems like this might have proven profitable perhaps 35 years ago.

I, wanna spend all night...alright...and shopping everyday!

This article contributed by 123beta.

Sam says: I don't know about you, but I'm guessing some members of KISS may be a bit low on their income.

I mean, first there was the scent of Simmons *shudder*, then the Family Jewels "reality" show.

Ya, we really don't want to be thinking of Simmons' aging "jewels".

Now, they're pandering VISA cards?

Whatever.

Here's a hint for KISS: time to put the makeup back on; or better yet, stay indoors and out of the public eye.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

This article contributed by 123beta.

Game manufacturers are big companies with lot's of employees. Sometimes, mistakes happen.

Electronic Arts apparently had a 'mishap' in the stocking of one of it's games recently. A (what I would call lucky) fourteen-year-old boy in Utah expecting to receive the Madden NFL 2007 (whatever) game instead received a porn movie.

He was obviously distraught over this error.

The dumb-arse reported it to his parents and of course they reported it to the store (Circuit City) where the game was purchased.

Mumsy and Dadsy, I WANT THE MADDEN NFL 2007 GAME! Damn it!

He'll receive a replacement for the Christmas gift, along with several other games to curb his 'game' libido.

Little dumb sh*t....

This article contributed by 123beta.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

This article contributed by 123beta.

And smelly too.

Apparently, a very drunk West Virginia University fan thought it would be funny...or something, to defecate on the seats of the Georgia Tech band during the Gator Bowl. Nothing like showing your team's colors...and I thought WVU's colors were blue and gold.

The poopatrator was video tapped and later arrested. When confronted with the images he stopped protesting and vomited down the front of his shirt (a dead giveaway).

Unfortunately, there are pics of this ...um, event.

But, I doubt that anybody would really want to see them.

Geez, now that's gonna be a heck of a story to tell the grandchildren.

Go Mountaineers!

This article contributed by 123beta.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Poopatrator [by 123beta]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This post submitted via the internet by Lostinlimaohio and approved from hundreds of miles away via the internet by Sam.

35% of American's Don't Read Sam:

Not only do they not read Sam, they don't have internet access. That's down right scary, but true according to a recent study of people who are too dumb to use computers. (Hey, I can insult them all I want- let's face it, it's not like they are going to read this and get mad!)

I don't want to be mean to everyone, I realise that there are those who simply cannot afford to have computers and internet connections.

And there are those who are just too old- it's like sex after 60- you shouldn't engage in it.

And there are those who, well let's face it, they are just lazy, and have way to much money. Yeah, they brag that they don't use the internet, and how it's so much better for them that way, but they are lying:

John W. Rogers Jr. The CEO of Ariel Capital Management LLC doesn't use the Internet at work or at home. The 47-year-old Princeton University grad thinks the Net is largely a waste of time. Assistants print out e-mails for him and researchers give him paper copies of Wall Street analysts reports from the Web. He prefers to spend his time reading, talking directly with his staff, working out at the gym, or spending time with his teenage daughter. "If you're spending all your time on e-mail, you're not listening and reading," says Rogers

I'm sorry but that is just like a man. "Oh the internet is a waste of time- honey go print my emails off for me" What the ??? Clearly what he should have said is that the internet is a waste of HIS time, because he has enough money to pay someone to do all the internet type stuff.

And just who are these assistants? I hope to *** that if they happen across this they will look up at their lazy boss and tell him to "research this". (IMHO number two seems most fitting in this case)

Now, I don't mean to insult his lowly "internet" employees- but does this idiot realize that he is indeed using the internet, he's just doing it via other people. I mean, if you are going to state that you "don't use the internet" and then act all high and mighty about it- I don't want to even hear about you coming within say two hundred feet of a online connection. Otherwise, shut up and admit it- you do use the internet, in fact you're so addicted to it- you even pay other people to check your inbox.

Source of my aggravation for today can be found here.

*** After writing this I realised that this guy with too much money should hire the people with not enough money, then everyone could be on the internet, and reading Sam.

This post submitted by Lostinlimaohio, who happens to be willing to admit that "I am completely addicted to the internet- but not enough to pay other people to do my surfing for me".

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Posted by Samantha at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This entry submitted by Lostinlimaohio, and approved by Sam...

I was reading the news when suddenly it hit me... the world is just wrong. I'm not sure when it started, but I am starting to fear that it is only going to get worse. I'll never understand how we came to be like this:

Evidently Canadians aren't as generous with their apologies as they are with their maple syrup- because it seems that in order for them to be willing to tell someone they've screwed that they are sorry... there has to be a law on it.

Americans, especially ones in Nevada have become so freaking fat that they need special ambulances just to make it to the hospital to pump some of the lard out of their ever widening posteriors.

Other countries seem to be in this sad state too- in India a woman refused to serve her husband meat for dinner. So he set himself on fire in protest... guess he really did want barbeque.

It's not just people that are ruining things either, even animals are causing problems. A crazy cat named Lewis has begun a war against visitors to a neighborhood in Connecticut, to the point that police issued a restraining order against him after he attacked an Avon lady. Rumor has it that the cat was a big Mary Kay fan.

As all of this has really been bothering me, I thought I would try to find a solution.

First, Canada needs to just apologize for shipping the syrup to Nevada and making the people fat... once the heavies finish sucking the syrup down by the barrel full, they could attempt to walk off some of that excess meat... and do a little dieting at this quaint little hut in India... who might consider barbecuing a little furry cat.

This article contributed by Lostinlimaohio

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the House
Pelosi was a stirring, with Murtha the louse;

The Dems were asking to hang George without care,
In hopes the troops would soon be back from over there;

While the Dems have been known to be way off their meds,
The voters took to replacing a few Republican talking heads;

The voters fell into the nastiest of traps,
With a choice between loonies or pork belly flaps;

With pork belly spending getting fatter and fatter,
The voters didn’t know what to do with the matter;

Continue reading "'Twas the night before Christmas Revisited" »

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink

This article contributed by The Conservative UAW Guy

So, the Frogs are going on-air with an international news station:

Jacques Chirac's dream of a global TV news network á la française, to counter Anglo-Saxon global media dominance, becomes reality tonight as France launches a bilingual 24-hour news service.

Those dang Anglo-Saxons! (Does that mean "Jooooooos!"?)

Of course, being the superior news network you have come to expect, C-U-G Headline News has uncovered mucho information about the new "all frogs all the time" network (France 24).

Here we have a picture of the station's new transmitter tower, surreptitiously taken by ace reporter, American patriot, and gun nut, jimmyb:

Additionally, here is a leaked memo containing possible French News Tag-Lines:

Like MSNBC, only smellier.

Watch us! We hate America almost as much at the American MSN and universities!!

All the Leftism that's fit to air.

Now with more condescension and snooty looks!

Don't hit us, we give!

If you can find news reports that sound any gayer, watch them.

We can hire Melissa Theuriau, and you can't.

After some intense research, we have uncovered these Fun Facts about France 24:

It smokes.

John Kerry, a major shareholder, will christen France 24 by breaking a bottle of over-rated, over-priced wine on it. He will then slander American troops.
(Go to college kids or you'll end up dead on a beach in Normandy!)

The resulting crash of glass will send 3/4 of the population running.
Alert level: Cower (sniveling optional).

It's called France 24 because the French government is hoping to steal some ratings from curious "24" fans. Jack Bauer will probably punch them in the face later.

There are plans for a new French alternative life-style show called "Cheesy-Poofs".

It has a competitively priced subscription fee, and is totally free for Germans and angry Muslims.

A plan is already in place to appease, and then surrender to, the al-Jazeer Network.

It has a little white flag waving in the bottom left-hand corner.

AccuFire 3000 Doppler Unrest-Radar - Gives hourly updates for the latest information on burning cars and buildings, as well as up-to-the-minute info on roving gangs of rioting Muslim youths.

The Sharia Hour of Power Show!

Guest op-eds by Pepe LePew. (Heh. Le cool.)

First week: 20 minute op-ed piece on why soap control/registration is imperative to national safety. (Of course, we all know this will lead to soap confiscation over there...)

Coming attractions:
30 week series on pre-emptive surrendering.
30 minute true French crime show with Inspector Cleuseau.
30 second show on French military victories.
3 second show on how to be polite.
0.3 second show on bathing.

Look for the new show France's Most Wanted: Featuring John Kerry and Jerry Lewis.

When signing off, instead of waving goodbye with one hand like the stupid Americans, they will sign off by raising both hands. Very high, and very slowly...

Looks like a win-win, folks.
I hope this report was insightful for you.
Just doing my part to culturefy the masses.
I feel so Euro now.

Diversitudiness, thy name is CUG.

Article contributed by The Conservative UAW Guy

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This article contributed by 123beta.

Japan's most recent robot, Ubiko, is meant to replace humans for various 'grunt' tasks such as welcoming clients and promoting products on site, amongst others.

An obvious attempt to reduce expenditures.

George the robot is playing hide-and-seek with scientist Alan Schultz.

Um...hiding what? And where?

[Sam's remark] Plus, I'm not really comfortable with this commentary on the bot:

For a robot to actually find a place to hide, and then hunt for its human playmate is a new level of human interaction.

And finally, Stanford scientists plan to make a robot capable of performing everyday tasks, such as unloading the dishwasher.

Woo-hoo!

Hey, let me know when a robot can drive a car, make supper, go to work for me when I'm sick or prepare my tax returns...

Submitted by 123beta.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

This article contributed by Conservative UAW Guy.

Sometimes when I speak, there are questions as to what I am referring to.
Case in point -

This is a pop-tart:

A pop-tart sings (kind of), acts (poorly) and sells images of sexuality and eroticism to underage girls after displaying an initial facade of innocence and wholesomeness to rope them and their parents in. They then becoming increasingly slutty as more dollars roll in.
They come filled with simplistic ideas of life and the universe, along with a vapid personality. Pop-tarts generally have a limited useful lifespan, and are expensive to maintain.

This (below) is a Kellogg's Pop-Tart.

It is a warm, delicious toaster pastry, which comes filled with yummy trans-fat and a sweet fruit filling.
Mmmmmm...trans fat and fruit filling....
They have no personality, but who cares when they're so tasty! Very low maintenance.
Economical, but with a very short lifespan (gulp!)

This next picture is of a pup-tard.

A pup-tard is neither a hyper-sexualized "entertainer", nor a warm, tasty toaster pastry. He is warm however, and expensive to maintain, as he likes to eat most anything. He comes filled with love, teeth, insatiable curiosity, piss, vinegar, and oodles of personality. High maintenance, but worth it for the protection, snuggling, and hippy/commie-biting properties.

His potential lifespan is questionable, as it is a variable that changes with inverse proportionality to his bad behavior. Good thing he's cute and lovable.

I hope this lesson cures any confusion there might have been regarding this terminology. My goal is your edification.

Article contributed by Conservative UAW Guy.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This post submitted by Lostinlimaohio, and approved out of sympathy by Sam.

By nature, I am a lazy person- which may explain why the "weekly guest spot" I fill here isn't always as "weekly" as it was suppose to be. But, dang it- I'm lazy at times. And that laziness is the simple reason I went from blogging (and commenting) as Lostinlimaohio to Lilo. Because, to be honest- I just got tired of having to type all those letters. For those who don't see the connection:

L ost
I n
L ima
O hio

See? Lilo. Short, sweet and just few enough letters that I don't become overwhelmed while typing it out a hundred times a day.

The odd thing was, when I started the whole "Lilo" business, the only other one I knew of was the famous little Lilo, from Lilo and Stitch. (I blame the kids for this knowledge) So, when I found "The History of Lilos" online, I was excited. E X C I T E D! I tell you. And amused. Because, I was on there. Along with funny little comments that, though not directed at this Lilo, were funny when I thought of them being said in reference to me.

Lilos were recently immortalised across the oceans by a Muggle called "Dodgy Dirk" in a Harry Potter story holding forth about how his inflatable lilo was punctured by a "dirty great flying lizard" otherwise known as the Common Welsh Green Dragon.

Ha, I was punctured. By a dirty great flying lizard.

I also found that I was beheaded in 1938... which may be a better excuse for my lack of weekly guest writing than just saying I'm lazy.

Norfolk District Council sensibly teaches children good lilo common sense urging children not to play on lilos on the sea unless the lilo is secured by a rope.

Oh, yeah... I'd like to see anyone attempt to secure me by a rope.

There has been poetry written about me, and I've been used as a safety device, and used as a bunker buster in wars. But, the best and so far funniest chunk of info about "me" came in the form of a warning... not to over inflate "your lilo".

(BTW, the site even has a great list of "place to take your lilo", if anyone is in the mood to vacation with me.)

So, if you've ever been interested in learning a bunch of stuff about me, while not really having anything at all to do with me, check it out.

This post submitted by Lostinlimaohio

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Posted by lostinlimaohio at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This article submitted by 123beta.

Unfortunately, these
fine urinals, shaped like a woman's mouth are soon to be history.

Austrian businessman, Neuhold Gerhard, is bowing to public pressure and promises to get rid of them. He said he found it odd that the urinals only became an issue during Austria's recent national election campaign.

Humour-less liberals at work? Probably.

Sigh. Some people just don't appreciate art...

Speaking of toilets...earlier this year I found the perfect toilet for Sam!

Article contributed by 123beta.

[Sam's reply] If I had a toilet like that, I'd never have time for blogging ;-P

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This post submitted by Lostinlimaohio, and half heartedly approved by Sam.

I have this "friend" who likes to post IM conversations he has with people on his Flickr account. The thing is, he always posts the worst parts of the conversations, you know the ones that end up making the people he is chatting with look bad. And by bad I mean, like crazy sex addicts.

In my defense, we usually are chatting about PHP, or databases, or how to make some feature of a website work or the use of little hacks. And we do a lot of "small talk". It might have something to do with the simple fact that neither of us have normal sleeping hours, and both of us have Google Chat.

Well, last night, was another one of those conversations that I just know he's going to post somewhere to make me look bad. So, in pure self defense- I thought I would beat him too it. Plus, it has the added benefit of proving to Sam that I am not some crazy sex crazed deviant. You know how she likes to make those suggestions about me.

If you bother to read the entire thing- you'll even see the threat he snuck in there about capturing the conversation in an image.

Continue reading "Late Nite Conversations" »

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Posted by lostinlimaohio at 12:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

This priceless article submitted by The Conservative UAW Guy.

Box of Trojans:

$7.95

Cheap teddy thingy:

$23.99

Bottle of Jack Daniels:

$21.00

The look on a pedotard's face when Chris Hansen from Dateline walks through the door instead of a 14 year old girl:

Freakin' priceless!

There are some things money can't buy, but I'll pay to smite a pedotard.

A commonality noted about these pervs - they all have the same story:

1. "I'm not here for sex."

2. "I've never done this before; this is the first time."

3. "I'll never do it again."

My other favorite part of the show is when the cops take the perv down outside and they cry like a little girl.

Mmmmm....irony...

Submitted by The Conservative UAW Guy.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This post submitted by Lostinlimaohio, and happily approved by Sam. (Although that last part may be a complete lie).

There's always been the question of just who is smarter, men or women. I could have settled this debate years ago- had anyone bothered to ask me. It's women. We are the smarter sex. Not that you men have to be ashamed of it, in fact personally I believe you should openly embrace this fact. Think of all the trouble situations that you could get out of by admitting your less intelligent than your female counterpart:

You come home 5 hours late, and smelling of beer, the wife gets mad as she reminds you that you were suppose to have been home early to eat dinner with her mother. She asks what you were thinking- you hang your head and tell her you're sorry, it's just that you aren't as smart as her so it's hard to remember these things.

You get caught playing around by your female boss, while on the clock. She asks you to explain what you were doing... you simply call into account how you aren't as smart as she is and that you really thought that covering the ceiling with spit balls was part of your job.

Honestly, there are thousands of reason why you should be happy that you aren't as smart as women are.

And now, there is even more reason to be happy about this "women are smarter than men" situation. Because, it turns out that besides just being smarter than you, we actually use more words that you. It says so right here.

``The Female Brain" has made quite a splash since its publication last month, and this word-count claim is one of the most striking facts supporting her argument that the female brain is ``a lean, mean communicating machine." The 20,000 vs. 7,000 numbers have been cited in reviews all over the world, from The New York Times to the Mumbai Mirror.

Just remember, keep your part of the conversation short, and play your 'less smart" card.

This post submitted by Lostinlimaohio.

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Posted by lostinlimaohio at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

This post written in sudden haste by Lostinlimaohio, and approved by Sam where permitted by law.

I was going to enlighten you all about the man found sleeping in a video store wearing nothing, but women's underwear and the stores curtain, except something happened that demands I write about this instead.

I was spending the day avoiding work at every possible moment when I ran out of Bubb-a-loons. Since I was half way done making a complete 3 generation bubble family, I knew that I had to make a quick run to the corner store for more.

That's when it happened.

I was preparing to make a right turn into the parking lot when some complete idiot attempted to pass me... by going around the RIGHT side of me. Not right as in the correct side, but right as in opposite of left.

Now, I am no wonderful driver, but this woman, well she's the poster child for why women should be banned from driving. It wasn't just that she attempted to hospitalize me, via attempting to ram the rear right side of my mommavan, but then she FLICKED me off.

Sadly, had my window up so she couldn't h